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What do I do? My husband does not sleep or have sex with me anymore.
Sex & Intimacy / 6:33 AM - Wednesday September 16, 2009

What do I do? My husband does not sleep or have sex with me anymore.

We have been married nine years. He says he loves me. He has no time for an affair. We have unfufilling sex maybe once every two or three months and it is quick. He does not spend time with forplay. Just a little. Won't take pills either, they give him headaches. I usually end up going down on him and him on me and then it is another three months. He does not sleep with me, but sleeps in the spare room because I snore and wheeze. I have ashthma and we both smoke. (I know) He says I toss and turn and if it's not that it is his back. He says it's his fybromalagia or his depression meds or something that keeps him from sex and sleeping with me. It wasn't always this way, but over the last two years it is bad. If he does try to sleep with me he goes to the other bed when he thinks I'm asleep. He is affectionate when I complain, but it just goes back to a peck good bye in the morning. I've started dreaming of other men I don't know and some I do. I don't want to have an affair, but marrige like this is against my idea of love. We had counseling and I became the focus. I am bi-polar and steady. I work, ride a motorcycle, write and cook and clean and just don't think I am a bad woman or unloveable. What the hell has happended. I know something has got to give here. I am so lonely and starved for affection, being touched. Being cared for. I think he is depressed again. When he is around other people he lights up, but around me he is sullen and quiet. We have money problems yes, we live right at the edge. We won't loose our house or cars and jobs, but we are unable to save due to my medical bills. Oh it is such a long story. He is not mean to me and can be a lot of fun, but the fun and friendship are burried somewhere in him. I don't want to leave, I love him with all my heart, I just don't know what to do. I go on iwth my own stuff, I am affectionate to him and he does not turn away. But I get nothing back. I have talked aobut it to him till I can't say it anymore. I can't cry anymore. I am attractive even tho I weigh 160 at 5'5" and the last two years added the last 20 lbs. I eat to sooth me. I dont do drugs, drink booze. I quit that 18 years ago.I work full time and we don't have any kids togather and my son is 27 and lives away from us. I work full time and make good money. People, what the hell is going on? I am lost here and need some opinions. I am hurting and lonely. I ride on my bike alone, do a hundred miles and go home to nothing. it is empty there, no matter how many flowers I plant or rooms I decorate. I even asked him if he was gay. He said no. i asked if he was having an internet affair or any affair, was he in love or interested in someone else. No. Does anyone have any thoughts or similar situations? Solutions?

Update: September 29, 2009.
Thanks. it was not the meds. it was not the pain, he is in remission. he admits it is my mood disorder. I don't want to cheat. He isn't cheating. I moved into the other room. He is happy with that. He also is more affectionate now and we are talking. His Doc wants us to do more things togather and he is trying. Again it is my mood disorder. I am not sure how I feel. But I ain't leaving or going out looking for anything. i love him and just want to be loved back. But this hurts.

Update: September 29, 2009.
It was the bi-polar. No, I won't leave. He has to be the one. Then me. Seperating is not for me. I married and intend on keeping all my vows. AS old fashioned as it sounds. It hurts to know though that it was the mood disorder. Been that way all my life, just labeled it later in life is all. Shit.

Update: September 29, 2009.
The sex does not hurt him. He is in remission. A.

Update: September 29, 2009.
Thanks. Here is an update for you. Instead of harping on it , I wrote him a letter and then instead of leaving for him, I told him wrote it and left it at that. In the letter I told him how much I loved him and that it wasnt the sex, and that I needed him and wanted his love. One week later we had a long talk. He had changed some, relaxed. NO sex, but after moving into the other bed room and re-arranging it to make it mine, I feel a little lost. He just doesnt have the libido, not because of physical pain, but due to my illness. My weight gain, my emotional liability. Strange after he said all this, he became more affectionate. I told him that is all I want. That my accepting the situation as it is now would be alot easier for me if he would at least be affectionate and considerate. He told me that he talked to his PCP and the PCP says that for our age it is a life stage of a marrige. Ok... accepted. Funny thing now. He wanted to have sex this morning and I did not want to. I never say no. It seems his Doc. wanted us to spend Sundays togather and for him to make time for me. Well, funny thing. Now that he is and I love it, and believe me I am affectionate back, I don't think I want to have sex for awhile. i told my husband when he said that my being bi-polar had somethign to do with all this, i told him "I have news for you, I have always been bi-polar, long before you met me, when you met me and now. We just didn't know it" Now it is me who feels a little on the leary side. But ok, that just is where I am at. I want to thank you tho for your ideas. Hate to tell you this, done that and been there again. All I want to have is to be held and told I am loved. something so simple. No big deal right. Ha Ha, we are the most complex creatures on earth. Again thanks.

- Asked by Female, 46-55

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Normally Hon, in these circumstances, there's something else going on within the relationship that is causing the rift between you two. Maybe its an old unresolved issue, or a preception of nagging. . . whatever... but the end result is that you slowly grow apart and STOP seeing each other as sexual beings.

The SOLUTION, in 99% of the cases, is for you two to sit down and reestablish open, honest communication. Resolve any issues together and then never speak of them, again!--Re-Learn why you fell in love with each other in the first place.

The sex will soon follow, and likely be even better than before, in the renewal of your love.

- Response by bytor, A Rebel, Male, 46-55, Pittsburgh, Artist / Musician / Writer

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Community Rating: Community Star

have you ever just flat out asked him why hes not affectionate with you much? look i don't have the sex life i would like to have either but like my wife your husband has a medical reason for not wanting to fool around hes clinically depressed and those pills he takes really put a damper on the sex drive. if you don't believe him when he says that get the name of his meds and look it up. you gotta understand you cant force some one to be a curtain way. because of how you feel. i have been with my wife for 10 years and just because i havent got it all the time doesnt mean i m going to cheat. maybe look at your self on that one.

- Response by j3s5e, A Rebel, Male, 29-35, Who Cares?

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sounds like he's either cheating or lost all love for you due to your bi-polar disorder. he's DEFINITELY a selfish lover, that's for sure.

have you considered separation. perhaps that might wake him up.

- Response by pizzatroll, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 46-55, Science / Engineering

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the man has fibromyalgia, sex likely hurts for him and fibromyalgia is exhausting. Go to the doctors with him and try to find some solutions for this.

- Response by beanielou, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Who Cares?

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