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My wife dates. Is this a good or bad thing? Here is our story so please keep an open mind.
Sex & Intimacy / 12:54 PM - Friday September 04, 2009

My wife dates. Is this a good or bad thing? Here is our story so please keep an open mind.

I was in a terrible marriage. I told my wife I was tired of not being happy and asked her what she thought the problem was. I was ready for divorce and had even spoke to an attorney to start the ball rolling.

My wife explained she needed more in life and felt bored. No matter what else we had tried to bring excitment it just wasn't happening. I just asked her if she wanted a lover to bring excitment to her life. At first she wasn't sure but then asked if I would truly be fine with it. After much discussion we came to an understanding and both of us have never been happier. It has been nearly six months now that my wife has had a lover and we can't be happier. It saved my marriage. Her sex drive has increased many times over. Her lover does not know I am aware of their relationship and that makes it easier as at any time she can just say she can't meet him as I am home or whatever reason. Everyone is happy. Well I don't know if her lovers wife is happy as I don't know her but my wife says her and her lover agree it is just sex and from what I am told her has no plans to leave his wife and is very clear about that with her. What a great situation we have.

So my wife has a lover. We are now both happy, it saved our marriage so my question is.... Is it good or bad? Seems pretty good to me but certainly not the norm so like to hear what others think.

- Asked by Male, 46-55

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I don't care to get a whole pascel of PM's on this but I will tell you that their are groups currently in the world today where it is expected that a women will take on a lover. Everyone looks the other way because it is seen to produce happiness and health in her in a way that makes her much more productive in her role as wife and mother. I think there are variations in human behavior and there is evidence that a large percentage of us are not monogamous as a species...then health and well-being for this groups looks different...no matter how we sanction against it.
I am happy that you were able to step outside the box and find that an exceptional solution to a very old problem worked for both of you. It takes great courage to pursue alternative options without judgement.

- Response by joybird, A Hippie Chick, Female, 46-55, Who Cares?

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I would not step away from a solution to my marriage because the masses believe this is "not normal". I personally agree that having some experiences outside of the relationship (and I mean if you're deeply committed) makes your relationship stronger. My boyfriend probably wouldn't agree though, and I congratulate you on having such an open mind! :) I'm sure the jealousy bites a little sometimes, but it's for a good cause.

I have a suggestion if you want it. You do know what "swingers" are, right? Basically people who get together as couples to "swinger parties", and hook up with one another. The purpose is to strengthen and bring excitement to relationships. It might be safer if you're there together, if it's about sex anyway. There are usually rules that go with swinger groups, like that there is no hooking up allowed outside of the parties, you must come and leave with the same person, etc. All in all, it's like what you're doing only a little more organized, and you take part in it too. Most swingers say that swinging makes their relationships stronger.

Good luck, and again - it's not up to others how you run your marriage. You only need your wife's and your own consent, the rest doesn't matter. :)

- Response by richy26, A Hippie Chick, Female, 22-25, Student

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Community Rating: Community Star

If she needs a lover to save your marriage, then you don't have a marriage to save.

I don't get it, but it doesn't matter what *I* think.

If it works for you guys, then keep doing it.

- Response by myndseye711, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Bilbao, Celebrity

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To me that's a violation of my views of Marriage but whatever floats your boats. I just wonder how long it'll be before this too becomes boring and things go even further... There can be a point of no return and everything goes up in flames and disaster. In the least she should have a Single Lover because this guys Wife probably didn't agree to this little thing that's going on.

Excitement can be had without such a situation in my opinion. But if you're going to do it, then at least make sure EVERY party is on the same page and ok with it...leaving the Wife out of the loop is where all the trouble will start *unless she's ok with it too when she finds out.

- Response by thottienc, A Career Woman, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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What's so important about saving the marriage that you'd have some guy boning your wife while you're downstairs reading the paper? Is she paying the bills or something and you need her to stay? If so, I could see that. Otherwise, no.

- Response by istillhatescreennames, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 66 or older

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some people swing for that reason and I have seen it work well for some couples

- Response by bigcurt, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 56-65, Pittsburgh, Self-Employed

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Well if I had to guess, I would say that it is definitely NOT the norm. At least the arrangement you and your wife have would NEVER work in my relationship. But, as the old saying goes, different strokes for different folks, right? I would think that this would hurt most marriages, however you somehow make it work, so kudos to you and your wife!

As long as you and your wife are communicating with each other and you are both very well aware of what the situation is that you are in, AND you're both comfortable with it, then I see nothing "wrong" with what you're doing.


- Response by 20something, A Mr. Married Guy, Male, 29-35, Consulting

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Since [by your own admission] you can't keep her happy, or provide enough sex to satisfy wife.. I dont see where its good or bad. you folks are consentual adults.

Unless it graduates into a swingers club, where youre known by other members, I would definitely keep in the confines or the 3 of you. glad all is happy and hey you are still married!!

- Response by dreamspinner, A Thinker, Female, Who Cares?, Chicago

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My husband and I have an open marriage and it works for us. We have rules we both have to follow. Most of the time, if I hook up with another guy it is when I am out of town on travel. But not always. He doesn't travel like I do, but has a local girl friend.

It is whatever works for your marriage.

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 26-28, Who Cares?

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Whatever floats your boat, dude. I hope she doesn't get pregnant.

Good luck and God bless

- Response by kravjar666, A Father Figure, Male, 46-55, Los Angeles, Consulting

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Her taking a lover saved your marriage and you a okay with it. So to hell with what everyone else thinks. If everything else about the marriage was good, you are in a win-win situation. My wife and I have threesomes with a friend all the time. It keeps things interesting and it's just sex.

- Response by hnimsoc, A Creative, Male, 56-65, Edmonton, Retired

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Though this is an unconventional marriage--hey whatever works

- Response by gilpill, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 46-55, Chicago, Internet / New Media

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Hmmmm. I hadn't thought of this but I would let my wife have a lover it would make her happy and save our marriage.

- Response by A Career Man, Male, 46-55, Portland

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If it works for you go for it.
I have been in threesome with a couple and it works for them.
The huggy is straight and so amd I, it was for her pleasure.
She feels so lucky to have him as her husband

- Response by he4she, A Career Man, Male, 46-55, Other Profession

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I applaud you for finding a unique way to resolve your issues. I admit when I first read this I thought you were a crazy but given my marriage is a mess and I was ready to end it I asked my wife if she wanted a lover. She said no but I could tell she found the idea intersting. Within a week she opened up and told me she didn't think it would be possible but asked if I would really be OK with the idea. After a lot of reasurance she confessed she has wanted this for a long time. A few months later it became a reality and things are much better between us now. Not perfect but much much better than they have been in a long time. My wife appreciates the freedom and yet does not abuse it. She visits her lover about once a week for four or five hours and the rest of the time we have together and she is usualy in a great mood. I don't ask about how it is with them and we speak of it very little other than she ask me before she makes plans to see him. We both reassure each other we are happy with the marriage and our sex life has never been better.

Thank you for your story as it clearly has helped us.

- Response by A Career Man, Male, 36-45, Technical

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My wife dates other men quite often and it certainly works for us. I don't see anyone else, however, because my wife would get very jealous. She started out seeing a co-worker from her work two years ago and that has blossomed into seeing another fellow out of town when she travels on business, and a third guy that she met in a coffee shop. Her co-worker makes love to her during the week on lunch break sometimes, and sometimes immediately after work. Her out of town boyfriend is a once a month affair. And her coffeehouse boyfriend comes over on Saturday mornings and they spend the day in bed together. (She usually greets him at the door wearing lingerie, or nothing at all!)

I prefer that she brings her friends over whenever she can rather than seeing them someplace else. I love to listen to their lovemaking. Of course, I enjoy being with her afterward as well. We have a great sex life (so do those guys!) Of course, her sex life is better than mine, I guess, but I get a thrill out of knowing that my wife is so sexually indulgent.

- Response by A Creative, Male, 36-45, Dallas

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This is far better than cheating behind your back, cheating involves lying and more lies to cover the other lies.
Is this a good or bad thing?
You're both happy now, so it a good thing.

- Response by onemale, A Guy Critical, Male, 46-55, Self-Employed

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Different strokes for different folks (pun intended)
If it works for you, then it's a good thing.
After being married to a frigid woman for eight years, now I'm looking for a very sexual woman.

- Response by onemale, A Guy Critical, Male, 46-55, Self-Employed

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Different strokes for different folks (pun intended)
If it works for you, then it's a good thing.
After being married to a frigid woman for eight years, now I'm looking for a very sexual woman.

- Response by onemale, A Guy Critical, Male, 46-55, Self-Employed

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I have the same kind of experience, so you are not alone. For years we had no sex, When I said to her that I didn't mind when she had a lover, she could not believe her ears. She started fantasizing and dating and at an evening the called that she would stay that night with another man. I was so excited that I could not sleep the whole night and this excitement made me addicted to these events. When I see her dressing and preparing before she goes to him, I get excited. Sometimes we have sex, now. I can't tell it to anybody, so I tell it here. I know that most people will find it strange, but it does not bother me. So, go on; there is nothing wrong with it. You are happy and your wife is happy.

- Response by A Mr. Married Guy, Male, 56-65, Retired

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I am also in a terrible marriage and following your example I said to my wife that it was OK for me when she would date another man. First, she was shocked, but now she has found her first date. She is very excited about it and I am curious. So, you are no more alone and I think that for some people it is a good idea.

- Response by boeddha, A Mr. Married Guy, Male, 56-65

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You broke the vows your made when you got married. "Foresaking all others". I guess you both forgot that. But, hey, if you having your wife sleep with other men is okay with you, then whatever. I hope you will be okay when it's not just one guy, but several, and you aren't getting ANY sex at all.

- Response by roaminginsomniac, An Alternative Girl, Female, 46-55, Law Enforcement

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I can't believe that you guys have an arrangement like that. though it may be good now you could never tell what would take place in the future! I know if I were sexing with a guy I would get attached after a while. thats just crazy

- Response by naughtysaint, Female, 29-35, Miami, Home Maker

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If it works for you, hey.

Open marriages are increasingly becomming in vogue, as monogamy is virtually impossible biologically.




- Response by boggob, A Guy Critical, Male, 29-35, Political / Government

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