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I have been dating this married man for 2.5 years and now he wont make time for me? What to do?
Dating / 4:25 PM - Thursday August 20, 2009

I have been dating this married man for 2.5 years and now he wont make time for me? What to do?

We have been dating for 2.5 years now and he is going through a divorce now. In the past 6 months he has been spending less and less time with me. I have decided to start dating other people and want to know if this is a good idea or should I give the bf a chance?

- Asked by Female, 29-35

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honey, you're lucky it wasn't my husband, cuz if it was, you would have a lot more to worry about than him not making time for you. like trying to get my FOOT out of your ASS.

- Response by zgrrrl, A Married Girl, Female, 29-35

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Community Rating: Community Star

Hmmmm....let's see....he is MARRIED and you're dating him...he's withdrawing...you were his HO. Now that he doesn't need you anymore, cause he'll be a free man so to speak, he's phazing out.

Maybe next time date people who aren't married, no?

fanny.

- Response by fanny500, A Thinker, Female, 26-28, Financial / Banking

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If it were me, I wouldn't see the boyfriend again until his divorce has been FINAL for two complete years. Then date him. If you haven't found a more suitable guy in the next two years of dating men who are not married.

- Response by utahmom, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Managerial

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It's common for the M /M. to drop the gf he started out with,,and if he ever divorces he'll jump in quickl and marry another. I know of two women it happened too.

It's not over till the fat lady sings..but yes, I would definitely start dating again. Unless he has told you, he is going thru a lot of stress and asked you to wait for him

- Response by A Thinker, Female, Who Cares?, Chicago

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Take my word...he's got another one on the string.

- Response by drumboi2, A Guy Critical, Male, 56-65, Retired

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mark my word, your yesterday news.. he has a new female, and that's your karma for messing with a married man.. i personally can't stand and have no respect for women that screw married men, and try and break-up a family.. so you can now eat shit, and bark at the moon.. you have no sympathy here.. keep strooling you fricken dog

- Response by mburgos, A Cool Mom, Female, 46-55, Philadelphia, Who Cares?

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sounds like you were just outside the home intertainment....

- Response by loseing, A Guy Critical, Male, Who Cares?, Who Cares?

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That's a long time to go with someone who is married and now that he's going through a divorce, he doesn't want to be seen with you.

Well, that can be good or bad. It might "muck" up his chances of getting an "easier" divorce if his wife knows he's dating you (if she doesn't already), or now that he knows he's going to be "free" in the not too far distant future, he wants to drop EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE that has had to do with his past, so he can begin "anew." And that can mean you as well.

Anyway, you can wait it out, but due to your age, I would get active socially "just-in-case" so that if he makes no contact with you, at least you're in the swing of things and won't be weeping by yourself.

So, do what your heart tells you. Embrace new ideas, new things to do. Don't ever depend on one person to be faithful when you're not married, which he was.

- Response by pushkins, A Thinker, Female, 66 or older, Miami, Who Cares?

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Two and a half years and he still hasn't gotten divorced. I think it's time for you to stop wasting your time and get yourself out there. He may never get untangled. So start living your life now and stop wasting it. Meet new people.

- Response by hulagirl55, A Sportif, Female, Who Cares?, Who Cares?

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You might as well start dating other men, unmarried men, because he would not marry you on a bet. You have been his piece of ass on the side and that is all you will ever be.

- Response by barbb, An Alternative Girl, Female, Who Cares?, Other Profession

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I would guess that he stepped out with you in order to help him sort out whether he really wanted to divorce or not. So he was toying with the idea through you but never intended you to be the next long term commitment. So in a round about way you did him a service and now you have to let go and allow him to move on with the rest of his life. He learned what he needed to know and he is now using that information to change his life. It sucks but it goes with the type of territory you wandered into.
There is a psychological phenomenon alot of secondary partners don't understand. Secondary partners have accepted a roll that isn't the first string whether they want to believe this or not. Once you accept a second string position or any position beneath your actual desires, talents, skills, or credentials it's really hard for people to see you in any other way. They aren't going to view you as the A girl because you already settled for less....they don't want someone willing to settle for less and that typically gets you crossed off the list when they get freed up and able to make any real kind of commitment.

So now you have to move on. Learn the lessons of this time in your life and move on.

- Response by joybird, A Hippie Chick, Female, 46-55, Who Cares?

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LMAO! It amazes me how the "other woman" assumes that if and when he gets a divorce they will live happily ever after. Face it you were nothing more then his toy on the side and now that he will have his freedom back he sees no reason to be in another relationship, especially with you. Oh and he's not your bf, married men can not be someone else's boyfriend! Your doing the right thing by going out and dating. I'm just hoping this time he won't be married. No sense in destroying even more families.

- Response by kdtxchic30, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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first of all you would be less stressed if you didnt date a married man. Since he had cheated on his wife with you, hes gona screw you over to, but you reap what you sew.

- Response by tinkymom, A Player, Female, 29-35, Denver, Fashion

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He might recent you because his marriage is now falling apart and he is blaming YOU for it (if that was teh reason for the break-up). THAT could be why he isn't interested to spend time, He is going through a tough time right now and chances are he has other things on his mind and wants to be single for a while. hate to say it, but I think you wasted your time. Time to move on and date others, like you suggested.

- Response by silver75, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Stockholm, Other Profession

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Good idea..the right thing to do is to step away..

- Response by cjs1991, A Creative, Female, 36-45, Teaching

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even "Ray Charles" can see this one!

- Response by osieboo, A Thinker, Female, 56-65

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That married man was never your boyfriend. You should start dating other people. You were the transition person that helped him leave his wife and meet the next love of his life. He knows that if you will cheat with him, you will cheat on him. You were used. You've learned a valuable lesson. Remember how you feel now. This is going to be similar to when your husband leaves you for another woman.

- Response by rhunt0210, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 46-55, Other Profession

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As I see you are very young and I were even younger when you got envolved with this married guy. You did not know better. You were just a kid who did not understand what could happened and didnt have the experience or malice. I know this because I have a daughter who is 22 and still lacks maturity. This experience will help you grow and from now on go after a solid ground relationship. No more chances. You are in a perfect age frame to start a new and better life. God Bless

- Response by rosybarreto, A Married Girl, Female, 56-65, Teaching

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You already know what to do. You were fun while he was married but now that the marriage is over he wants to date around. Just cut him off cold turkey and dont look back and dont answer his calls, and this time find a single man.

- Response by driveinby, A Guy Critical, Male, 36-45

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hahahhahaha He's done with you and moving on. Deserves you right!!!

- Response by ajeepgirl67, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Medical / Dental

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Tell me what happened. How did you wind up with him, some people cannot understand matters of the heart do you love him? or was he just fun? For some reason alot of people don't understand that there are some things especially when it includes the heart that you cannot control. now for him he has no choice but to put space between you guys he is going through a divorce which takes alot out of a person he needs space for clarity not for you for him

- Response by mrsmm, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Who Cares?

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I am no one to judge you..after I have my baby i remained with my baby's daddy. At the time he was not married, but when he married his new gf, I remain being his lover. I was his lover for such a long time. Sometimes he would see me once/twice a week. Sometimes he would only see me once a month. I would cry everytime he would live me. I met him when I was 15 and he was 21...by the time I was 18 i was pregnant. Then he got married with some girl he had just met. My point: Alot of people judged me and didn't understand why I was with him, after he got married. I loved him, he was the only man I had ever had. When i turned 23 I took the decision and left him. I was wasting the best years of my life with a married man. With a man that was not even mine. He would try to see me more than our own daughter. I left him, and never looked back...I was ready, I didn't even cry, I felt good. To tell you the truthe I don't remember the times I had with him. Sometime after I found the true love of my life...my husband. It wasn't until then that I have found true love. It wasn't until then, that I know how love feels and how being loved feels like.

Try to leave this toxic man...You are so young to be wasting your time with a married man. He will never be yours to keep, he will always see you as a good f***, nothing else.

- Response by daysimay, A Married Girl, Female, 29-35, Other Profession

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hopefully your answers on here move you in a new direction. He's married!!! Do yourself a favor and get rid of the baggage and move on. Put yourself in his wife/former wifes situation. Do you want to get married and have that fear that your husband will be messing around with people like you? Until you realize that you are better than that and respect marriage you are no ready for any other commitment and seriously need to step back from the situation you are in. I could never understand cheaters. Now a days, I guess a ring means nothing!

- Response by littlegirl22987, A Life of the Party, Female, 29-35, Student

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Why on earth would you want to be with a married man to begin with..you should've ran when you had the chance. Honey you are not this mans priority you are an option to him, the woman on the side or in your case on the back burner as of right now.

- Response by jae1983, A Sweet Sarah, Female, 29-35, Administrative

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I'm sure your guy has his reasons. Since he is divorcing now, he may feel your presence could make the divorce more difficult for him. Or he may feel like he can spread his wings and see other women. Since he's been distancing himself from you for a number of months, I think it's a good indication that he wants his freedom. That's also a sign that you have your freedom to look around yourself.

- Response by betterbird, A Creative, Male, 46-55, San Francisco, Administrative

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Most women with any core values at all wouldnt date a married man. That doesnt speak very highly of you. You were available & not demanding enough for two & a half years. You were an easy mark. Why did you put up with it. Thats 2 1/2 years you'll never get back.

- Response by blondie1955, Female, 56-65, Administrative

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Get a life and stop dating married men...

- Response by workingsinglemom, A Cool Mom, Female, 56-65, Self-Employed

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WOW! You sure have taken a beating on this one! How are you feeling given all the answer you've gotten from all the Saints on this site? The good thing is you are anon:)

- Response by int24h, A Career Man, Male, 36-45, Alternative Medicine

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Selfrespect
Respect/compassion for other people
Forget (!!) about him

- Response by A Hip Hop Girl, Female, 29-35, Other Profession

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I kind of feel like karma's maybe biting you in the ass right now. Stay away from the married ones. If he did it to a woman he made vows to what made you think he wouldn't do it to you?

- Response by zhzfs5, A Cool Mom, Female, 26-28

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you kinda answered your own question. The Key word here is "Married." That usually also means:"stay away from my man/woman.....Hands off...not yours." My question to you is: "what were you thinking at the time when you met this guy?"
He's seeking an "easy" divorce (like 1 of the girls above mentioned) and so he can't have you around. Once the divorce is final, you'll be a booty call but not the #1 booty call, you'll be relegated to #3 or 4. So I say you should forget about him and NEVER do this again. Now you're paying the consequences down here on earth, I sure don't want to be in your shoes come judgment day. God will show you no mercy for a 2.5 yr long sin. that's my take. Not gospel.

- Response by thethinker, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 46-55, San Antonio, Financial / Banking

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girl leave his ass and find your own man.....bottom line nothing else to it!!!

- Response by ladyexpert, A Life of the Party, Female, 26-28, Detroit, Financial / Banking

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You are so young. I have a daughter around your age. I have her google and look up the info in the white pages for every guy she dates. I know it sounds kind of nutty but I told her that it is best to find out if they are married right away. To find out later, once you are involved, makes it hard to walk away. Men will lie about being married. I actually think it is the most common lie told to young women. This guy you have been seeing is not worth another minute of your time. He is a cheater and will cheat on his next s/o. Start dating nice guys. Watch how a guy treats people, both close to him and strangers. It will tell you how he will treat you throughout time. You are so young, address the choices that put you in this bad relationship and change those choices to have better results. Good luck.

- Response by A Sweet Sarah, Female, 56-65

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I always say dont always listen to what people say, pay more attention to how they treat you. Right now he is not treating you as if you are very important to him. Make your life and stop waiting for him to decide if he wants you.

- Response by A Creative, Female, 36-45, Dallas, Medical / Dental

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What a stupid question booty call .. why has he seen less of u ...ahhh he is married man wants his cake and eat it to .. He found another booty call as well ..
Gee wonder why married man is getting a divorce .. mmmm. Love more than one booty comes to mind .. move on ..and keep away from MARRIED MEN.. ......

- Response by berri, A Career Woman, Female, 46-55, New South Wales, Who Cares?

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You don't deserve time, he's married. . or was until you came along. Shame on you! Start dating other people, great, just make sure they are single.

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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it is amazing to me how harsh people can be about a situation they have never been in and don't understand. It is so immature and ignorant. If you are in love with someone, then you are in love. You cannot always choose who, or how that happens. some marriages fall apart, and not because of other people. They fall apart because they were not mean to be together. obviously the man that cheats was having problems in his life and marriage before he started cheating, and that is what LED him to cheat. Why is everyone so quick to blame her. She is single, he is the one threatening and hurting his marriage and children if he has them by choosing to go outside of it. These situations are not always cut and dry, black and white, and easy. Quit acting like love and life is some simple thing. Shit happens.... people make mistakes, and then make things right.
This is not somthing you deserve. You deserve to be happy, and if he truly loves you then when he finishes the divorce he will come find you. If he truly loves you then he will be with you because that is what he wants. You know him best, and you should know how you feel, and if it feels like it is over then it probably is. If it feels like he is just being distant, well then it is probably the divorce. You have to look at the situation and see for yourself. No one can tell you what you feel inside.
I have been in this situation before. I was there for 2 years... we were/are in love with each other. And... it was not just sex, it was not just a piece of ass. People judge what they don't understand. We are actually together now, and he did get divorced. And it was not because of me. She never knew about me. The problems started way before me.
The unhappiness in a relationship comes way before the cheating, it is because of something else that pushes someone to cheat. I only hope that you pay attention to the signs, and how you truly feel... and then make a decision. If you love him and you think he is going to stay with you then fight for it. If you think it is over, and you have seen the signs then don't waste time and energy on something that needs to be over. Good luck!!!

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Dallas

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