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My wife told me last night that her family comes first in her life before me...
Married Life / 9:42 AM - Thursday August 13, 2009

My wife told me last night that her family comes first in her life before me...

My wifes dad was just diagnosed with cancer but he is still up and running and doing things just like he was and I know my wife is worred about him. But my wife was on the phone with my mother the other day and she told me she got mad at my mother because my mother told her to not forget about me and put me first in her life and she told my mother under anger that her dad comes first in her life in this situation. My wife has been gone over to her folks and not home and not cooking, just nonthing. And when she told me what she told my mother and how mad she was at her, I told her she used a poor choise of words and she should have said I was understanding. I fill like I come in second to all her family and now that she said it my heart has broken...I mean I took a vowel to take care of her thru sickness and in health and do anything in the world for her but I dont get the same back. I mean her son should come first in her life no matter what but it seems like I should come before her family...

Update: August 13, 2009.
Not all but most of you who responded are way out of line and the ones who decide to judge me that dont even know me, maybe you need to read my question again...You need to understand its not the cooking and cleaning, I'm worried about its her not putting me first in her life, its been like that even before her dad got cancer...I understand a person being close to there family but there has been more then a hand full of times im setting at the house sick as a dog and im left to fend for myself, or even have to drive myself to the hospital with second degree burns because my wife is not at home...When I took my vowels I'm there for her thru thick and thin and always put her first in my life, but now since her dad has cancer, when I do see her she is in bed asleep or wants nonthing to do with me...So like most of you who have judged me before asking I have been doing the cooking and cleaning and have been way before her dad got cancer...

- Asked by Male, 36-45

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dude her dad has cancer. sure she could be handling things better but why not think about what you would be willing to do if your mother had cancer. Pick up the slack and all the other stuff will work out as pops over there under goes treatment.

- Response by drallig9399, A Hip Hop Guy, Male, 29-35, Dallas, Military

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your mother was a moron to say something like that to your wife while your wife was under so much stress. Your wife got angry and defensive at your mother's comments (i dont' blame her). Her father is suffering with cancer and all your mother cares about is making sure you get dinner on time and stuff like that?? wtf?
Your wife is stressed right now, she doesn't need your mother telling her how to behave.

- Response by beanielou, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Who Cares?

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Well in a marriage your husband or wife should come first, but there are times in life where your focus has to be somewhere else and even though her attention is with her father and family right now you do still come first.

Cancer is a cruel illness. Believe me I watched my Dad die of it, and I'm now watching my mom's s/o die of it. When tragedy strikes a family everyone needs to pitch in and right now she is thinking the worse and would like to spend as much time with her family and Dad as possible. The days are numbered, and this is how it should be! She has a lifetime to spend with you.

Actually I don't know why you are not picking up some of the slack around the house why she is supporting her family. You should be supporting her during this time and you should be man enough to take care of yourself! This is an adjustment I know, but you need to step to the plate and quit with the poor me, my wife chooses her family. As you said she said "at this time" they are her priority. Get over it!

- Response by kdtxchic30, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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I would say she has a very wise mom.....

- Response by kutie56, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Newark, Other Profession

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You dont know how you would react to a situation until you're in it. Dont give your wife shit right now. Thats the last thing she needs. I think its more about everyone putting theirselves first in life- naturally you're thinking about your dinners and the housework thats not being done and she is sidetracker with losing her father. With her dad having cancer and herself being first, her emotions are more towards her dad right now. Pick up some slack to show your support. You dont know how you would feel if your mother had cancer.

- Response by fallingalive, A Thinker, Female, 29-35

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Your mom was out of line to tell her how To take care of you.Who is she to butt into her business espcialy after hearing about her dad.When my brother had cancer I dropped everything and was by his side for his hard journey.My husband backed me up and took me there when needed.Parents are not forever.When things like this come up there is more to worry about than if she is cooking your dinner.Cook it yourself.She is dealing with a nightmare and if you would back her on this instead of feeling sorry for yourself you might have a real marriage.Had I not spent time with my brother I would have resented the time I spent making a stupid dinner.My husband made his own dinner and mine so that I could be with him.He died the last day I went to see him.We all come second to emergencies.When his mom was sick she came first.When he had to be there for her and I had other plans guess what came first.I do'nt resent it.I found it admireable.Your mom should keep her opinions to herself.It's a bit self centered.If her dad dies how then will she feel.Care about that instead of your not getting your dinner.

- Response by frenchkiss49, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Tampa, Who Cares?

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Just stop putting her first. She obviously doesn't deserve it. If other people have to remind her that she has a husband and that makes her mad; you're being too good to her.

Time to start taking care of YOU. Don't be so dependable, start doing your own thing without her. Let her handle her problems on her own. She obviously doesn't deserve your help anyways.

- Response by An Intellectual Guy, Male, 36-45, Teaching

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your wife is doing what any normal child would do for their parents, take care of them when they're ill! do you want your child to stop taking care of you after you've been diagnosed with cancer because his/her spouse can't make their own dinner and do their own laundry?

the only comparable situation you'll ever have is if you AND her father both have cancer and she consistently chose her father over taking care of you. you need to see both her parents are having rough times, your wife is distressed, you need to take care of HER right now. do you even care about what she's going through right now? you're not losing your mom to cancer, are you? you can only imagine how painful this event is for her family. put this into perspective...please!

- Response by A Career Woman, Female, 29-35

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Well her family was her life before you, maybe she wants to spend as much time with him as possible before his departure so she can let go when it comes time. And if your an ass about this and can't be there for her and her family through this painful time, then she might not be there for you when you need her. Get the picture? And you should be trying to help pick up the slack, and offering your help to her family as well. This is showing love to your spouse and her family!!!!!!

- Response by juszbusiness, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Atlanta

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To your second response..... In that case if that's been goin on for awhile, before the news of her dad then....I'd tell her that if she didn't want to be in a marriage then she needed to pack her shit and move back home.

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Atlanta

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Your wife needs you to put on your big boy pants for a bit and stop being a baby..... Tragedies will either strengthen or destroy a marriage.....

Be who she needs you to be.... It wont always be that way, and if you stand by her now she will repay you tenfold in the future..

Good luck!

- Response by nicolegillenwater, A Thinker, Female, 36-45

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YOUR WIFE EVIDENTLY DOES NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT MARRIAGE IS AND IS CARRYING DADDY'S LITTLE GIRL TO THE EXTREME.HER MOTHER IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE CARE OF HER HUSBAND AND THEIR HOUSEHOLD.IF HER FATHER IS FUNCTIONING WHILE FIGHTING HIS ILLNESS THEN SHE NEEDS TO CARE ABOUT HIM BUT NOT TO THE POINT OF NEGLECTING HER RESPONSIBILITIES OF HER OWN FAMILY AND HOME. YOU MAY WISH TO CONSIDER THAT THIS BEHAVIOR IS NOT ACCEPTABLE,IT NEVER WAS,AND DIVORCE IS GOING TO BE THE EVENTUAL OUTCOME. I SUGGEST YOU GIVE HER THE CHOICE OF LIVING AND PROVIDING WHAT SHE VOWED TO DO OR MOVE IN WITH HER PARENTS. THIS APPEARS TO BE THE BEHAVIOR OF A VERY IMMATURE WOMAN WHO SHOULD NEVER HAVE GOTTEN MARRIED IN THE FIRST PLACE.IF HER FATHER'S ILLNESS IS TERMINAL THERE IS NOTHING TO BE GAINED BY NEGLECTING HER FAMILY UNTILL THE INEVITABLE HAPPENS.YOU SHOULD CONSIDER MOVING ON WHILE YOU ARE STILL YOUNG ENOUGH TO DO SO. SHE IS BEING EXCEPTIONALLY SELFISH AND IT APPEARS SHE ALWAYS WILL BE.SORRY TO HEAR SO MANY PEOPLE JUDGED YOU AND NOT HER.

- Response by dangomezrrt, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 66 or older, Medical / Dental

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Right now, you should support her. She needs you. Her dad has a potentially terminal disease. She said "In this SITUATION, my dad comes first". That doesn't mean he ALWYS comes first. She is trying to spend as much time with him as she can, because he may not be here for that much longer. Your mom should frankly mind her own business. Your wife sounds depressed since she is sleeping so much and doesn't want to talk. I understand tis must be really frustrating for you, but all you can do is support her. She is going thrugh a hard time right now.

- Response by silver75, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Stockholm, Other Profession

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If her dad was going through a hard tmie trying to decide wheteher or no to buy a boat or not then I could agree qith you.
Her dad has cancer. He could be dead soon. You want her home cooking and making sure you feel good? In this case I would encourage her to speak to him as much as possible and comfort him. After he dies and she grieves and comes to terms with it Will she be back home for you guys? I think you could be more understanding in this case.

- Response by genericname, A Father Figure, Male, 36-45, Other Profession

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