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My wife and I are not sexually compatible, can you provide me some advice?
Sex & Intimacy / 3:40 AM - Monday August 03, 2009

My wife and I are not sexually compatible, can you provide me some advice?

I am madly, deeply, head over heels in love with my wife. I'm 27 and she is 30. Since we got married she does not seem to have an interest in sex. While I enjoy it very much. We have sex about twice a month and I do not feel it is enough. We have an amazing relationship, this is the only thing that hinders us. About 75% of the time I try to initiate sex I am shut down. It hurts, not because I can't get it right then, but because I feel rejected. I've tried talking to her about it and she always says that she will change and we will start to do it more, but it never happens.

There is no other woman that I ever want to be with. I just wish that we could find common ground and solve this issue, we would have the perfect marriage. I've told her this, and it really hasn't changed anything.

Other than counselling is there any suggestions that you can give on what we can do? I'm not trying to get it 5 times a week or anything, but I would like 2 times a week at least. I'm tired of the rejection. I will not leave her over it, I'm too in love with her. I just want her to feel the same sexual attraction to me, that I do her.

Being rejected by your spouse is just about the worst feeling in the world. And talking with her has not helped. I just do not know what to do. I want us to get over this and have the perfect marriage that I know we can have.

- Asked by Male, 22-25

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I cannot imagine anyone wording their issue more eloquently. Do you think you could write her a letter and basically use this post as a template for it?

Sometimes, I have found that writing something in a letter works better than a face to face. In fact, I write many serious and important things down, rather than attempt to talk about them.

The more serious the subject, the more defensive people seem to become and I think, the more they might turn us off, before they give it a chance to sink in.

Maybe when she is alone and reading your words, she will give it the thoughtful consideration that you intend it to have. And, perhaps it will enable you to get the positive reaction you are hoping for.

It sure cannot hurt? Good luck to you!

- Response by randyl, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Los Angeles, Technical

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I can see you love your wife very much and I think she must love you the same. Some women are just not very sex driven and it is not that they dont love their man. The problem that I see here is that it may be a big issue in the future. The problem will be hers because you are building emotions or feeling that may make you stop loving her or to look elsewhere for what is denied. You should once more talk to her and let her know what your feelings are. If it doesnt change you will not have a good marriage. I hope you will soon resolve this problem. Good luck

- Response by rosybarreto, A Married Girl, Female, 56-65, Teaching

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I hope you have talked to her about this and explained how you feel. Marriage counseling would work out some of the problems.

- Response by barbb, An Alternative Girl, Female, Who Cares?, Other Profession

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This poor guy has already stated that he's tried to talk to his wife about this problem. I know this is very difficult for either man or wife when their mate does not respond to their sexual overtures.

I believe that sex is important, and in a marriage, should be as often as both want it. Maybe you should ask your wife if she's just not sexually attracted to you. Then with her answer, you could go on with your life. You're on hold right now, honey.

Sorry. You've got to get it straightened out. I don't know about you having a perfect marriage in time. This sounds like hell to me.

- Response by rholuc, A Thinker, Female, 66 or older, Retired

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Other than counselling?

Dude,you are the problem. You do not sound mature enough for monogamy.

You can not change people. Only they can.

When you start meeting her needs she will start meeting yours.

- Response by llafsroh, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 46-55, Boston, Science / Engineering

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I think this relationship, is missing more than sex. Sex is the entity that is suffering, because some definitely lacks in your relationship. I think changing your game plan of not pushing the issue, of sex is a start. Taking a vacation to rekindle the relationship. Maybe, cooking dinners for her before she comes home, showering her with care of her well being could initiate intimacy. Giving her a sensual message, after a long day could stimulate the sexual tension to rise. Also, there is no such thing as the perfect marriage, get that out your head. I think you need to not act needy on the sex and just add a manly more persona of masculinity to the equation. I think these variables could help the situation to improve on the lack of sex between you both. Limit the pressure of it. Let her initiate the sex thing..it will happen without you pressing it.
'good-luck to ya.'

- Response by pinknblu, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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if she dont put out as much as you like you have to make that clear to her,or find relief without her help. if she is putting out more than she likes you will hear about that real quick. odds are she wont change and you get what you get and thats gonna be it.welcome to marriage,you should of made sure you were sexually compatible first.

- Response by kjman, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 46-55, Construction

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I could be the female in this situation, and i can tell you EXACTLY why I turn my husband down: I work 50 hours a week while he works maybe 20. He takes care of our 2 young children in the day, and I am on instant duty as soon as I walk in the door from work. I make dinner, buy the groceries, pay the bills, bathe the kids, read them bedtime stories, do most of the housework, and the handiwork (once had to change the garbage disposal after a long day of work) because he doesn't have the gumption to step in and do things like this. Then, after my day FINALLY winds down, he makes a comment or two about wanting sex. Um, no, I just want to sit and relax. My point is: Do you feel you do your fair share around the house, or does a lot of the burden fall on your wife? You'd be amazed all the crap most women have running through their heads 24/7 just trying to keep a house functioning.

Then there's the other issue: Since my DH was pretty open when we met to trying new things in the bedroom, I thought things would be OK. It honestly wasn't until 7 years in I realized that I need a certain type of man in the bedroom-and it just is not in his nature to EVER be that type. So we are at an impasse. I have sex with him merely to fulfill a marital obligation, and fantasize about the sex I desire. Have a heart to heart with your wife, and find out exactly what kind of sex she prefers, you might be surprised.

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 36-45

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Has the sex diminished since you got married or has her career gotten busier? It could be stress, tiredness, or routine that is causing this. You don't say how long you've been married, perhaps the newness has worn off and you need to spice things up. Roleplay yours or her favorite sexual fantasies, introduce new toys, new positions, surprise with a romantic weekend getaway or a hot bubble bath for two with music, candles, wine, chocolate covered strawberries and a relaxing massage afterwards. You have talked to her about this and she knows your feelings. Has she given you a reason why things have changed?

- Response by hulagirl55, A Sportif, Female, Who Cares?, Who Cares?

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