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Should I attend Husband's Ex-wife's funeral?
Family & Parenting / 11:09 AM - Tuesday July 28, 2009

Should I attend Husband's Ex-wife's funeral?

My Husband's ex-wife is terminally ill with cancer. She recently had an argument with my Husband and she accused me of certain things which were untrue and now we do not speak. This has also effected my relationship with my stepdaughters 18 & 15 as they always side with their Mother. I am SO angry that I feel I will never speak with her again.
When her funeral happens, my Husband will attend the funeral because of the children, but should I attend also? I feel hypocritical if I was to attend as funerals are supposed to be a celebration of someone's life and I certainly will not be celebrating her life because she has been a bitch to me on more than one occasion. Incidentally the arrangements are that the two girls will not come and live with us when she passes on as they want to live & stay in Mum's house!

- Asked by Female, 56-65, London

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She won't be around to argue with you anymore. Let go of the grudge and attend the funeral for support of your husband's two daughters..Put aside your anger for the living. rosey

- Response by roseytalks, A Thinker, Female, Who Cares?, Tampa, Who Cares?

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Hmm I would think you would want to be there to suport your step children, but if that's not how you feel, you can't force it.

- Response by ready4sumfun, A Creative, Female, 29-35, Who Cares?

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Out of respect to your step daughters I think you would want to attend. Your relationship with your stepdaughters is what is important.

- Response by almostcoolmom4, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, New York, Other Profession

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ever heard of forgiveness?

forgive her for everything she said about you.. She's dying for crying out loud.

- Response by girlpower08, A Sportif, Female, 36-45

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Unless she and your stepdaughters have specified that they don't want you at her funeral, I would attend out of respect and support for your husband. At some point, you have to let the anger go and realize that she is terminally ill. It could be that her illiness has made her act irrationally, too. Good luck to you and God Bless. :)

- Response by scrapper1941, A Thinker, Female, 66 or older, Retired

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Nelson Mandela said, "Not to forgive is like drinking a glass of poison and waiting for your enemies to die." Yes, she was awful to you, but that is HER problem, and not the least of them. The woman is dying. Her husband divorced her. You get to live, and live with the man you love. Who WOULDN'T be upset about that? Forgiving her does not condone what she did, but it is the right thing to do, if only as an example to your husband and step-daughters that you are a bigger person than your husband's ex-wife. In time, you will gain respect from all of them for this. As for the funeral, you should go to support your husband, just as he will be there to support his daughters. It won't be easy for any of you, but again, it is the right thing to do and something that will make a lasting statement.

- Response by writerc, Female, 46-55, Artist / Musician / Writer

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Only if she did you a favor, by them getting a divorce...
Or just bury the hatchet & attend for the mutual benefit of the living, & maybe the girls wont resent you, only time will tell...IJS

- Response by billpayer, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 66 or older, Who Cares?

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Cancer causes a huge change in emotions and mental capabilities. You didn't say when she made the accusations against you, but people I've known with terminal cancer have become quite confused before doctors realised it had spread to the brain.

For your stepdaughters you should go. You may be the second wife, but you're a part of the family and a lynchpin of support in this instance.

Is there any way you can talk to her candidly and explain how the accusations are going to cause her daughters pain after she is gone? They will be even more hurt if they think their father is with someone awful than if they had been told the truth by their mother.

- Response by alex86, A Hippie Chick, Female, 26-28

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While funerals are, to a certain extent, a celebration of the life that has passed, they also are a way of giving comfort and support to the loved ones "left behind." I would encourage you to go as a demonstration of your love and support for your husband and your step-daughters.

- Response by carinabay, A Cool Mom, Female, 46-55, Lawyer

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you may not have been too fond of her, but dont be selfish. everybody has tension with somebody. Celebrate her life as thou you were a friend of hers....bitterness just weighs you down in the end. its not going to effect her when she is dead, so why do this to yourself. Not to mention it will make you look like the bigger person....

- Response by schell, A Married Girl, Female, 29-35, Celebrity

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I wonder "if my husbands ex-wife died"...would I attend....the answer would be yes...I don't care if she's been a bitch to me...cuz she has! But i would do it for the children...whom they've lost the person they love. Now if i die...would I want her to go...HELL no...she has no ties to me what so ever! But I would go to hers...for support to the children!

- Response by daysimay, A Married Girl, Female, 29-35, Other Profession

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You need to put your pride, ego, and selfishness aside. This woman is dying! When people are faced with death they say and do things that are sometimes inappropriate. She is dealing with knowing she is not going to be around to see her children grow up, her children are trying to come to grips with not having a mother around, and here you thinking about yourself.

Here's the deal whether or not these children choose to live with you and your husband after her death is besides the point. You two will still be an integral part of these kids lives. You will have to step up and be MOM! Right now they don't like you very much, but as they grow older they will need advice, direction and support that only a mother, or step-mom can give. You will be this person, and it's your job to put aside your hurt feelings and be there for these kids. Kids say cruel things to there parents all the time, but we love them no less.

I think you need to attend her funeral not only to support your husband, but to support his kids. It doesn't matter if your relationship wasn't that great with this woman. She is still someone to be remembered and was loved by many and that is to be celebrated regardless if you liked her or not. All life has value!

- Response by kdtxchic30, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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Ask the girls what they want you to do. Then do as they wish.

- Response by jmks01, Female, 56-65

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