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How do you deal with losing the love of your life?
Dating / 4:42 AM - Sunday July 26, 2009

how do you deal with losing the love of your life?

i lost my fiancee on april 3rd she was 5/5 short brown hair, hispanic and brown eyes that made me fall deeply in love with her.she kept me strong and was there for me when i needed someone. my life was a constant struggle with family and school issues and then when i met her i completely changed. my troubles decreased and i felt truly happy because she stayed by my side as my life got harder the older i got. we were friends for 3 years then we were together for 2 years. due to a heart attack that she had during an operation trying to remove a tumor. she was scared from the start and the doctors told me she had a 20% chance of making it. nevertheless i stayed strong for both of us and told her everything was going to be okay and yet everything inside me was crushed with her passing. day by day friends and family try to comfort me but how do you deal with the loss of someone so important in your life? everything seems hopeless for me and sometimes the pain would stop and then come back. i try to understand what others tell me and yet nothing helps me inside.any advice on how to deal with this or have a similar problem or am i alone :(

- Asked by A Guy Critical, Male, 22-25, Los Angeles, Student

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Hello..........I am really sorry you have had to go through this. I can from my own life experiences tell you what I think and what worked for me and sad to say for most everyone in my family and my life now.

This is kind of a long response so if you don't ready it all it's OK as I was really searching to try and offer you help.

You asked " i try to understand what others tell me and yet nothing helps me inside.any advice on how to deal with this or have a similar problem or am i alone :( "

I do not believe anything will make this easier for you.The pain, the mind numbing hurt of heart and soul, anxiety, depressions, the questions about why her and you had to go through this, the fears and doubts if you could have done something sooner to help, questioning why you weren't married , had kids, moved.....there are so many things that you must think, all the time. The void - the silence - touching - just sharing your life with someone so completely with such trust - is gone. That is the hard part - she is gone.

So I repeat myself - I do not believe anything will make this easier for you but just the passing of TIME will make it easier ... not one minute at a time or day or week, but month by month it will slowly get easier - not great - just a little easier.

You can be active with other (then I would always know I was the oddball in the group and they were being nice to me), you can force fun, work too much, sit and watch TV too much, make a home that is still all about her and her stuff a shrine so to speak - but everyday you are home you then hurt more because it is a reminder of your terrible loss.

Time - cruel thing time is in our suffering a loss, we suffer and time just drags on and on - we think "I can never stand this hurt and pain" but we can and do.

Be active - made me remember my loss even more as I knew I was doing something to try and forget her.

My final advice is this - only time will make this hurt/pain/loss go away. Yes - you can go on as I assume your fiancee would want you to and of course she would want you to be "strong for both of us". This is not about staying strong because of school and family problems; this is about being strong for yourself and what great lessons you learned from being with your fiancee and then what you learned about being strong for others. Go to school - try to do well, don't fight with the family - there is no winning - hang with good people - accept it is OK to cry, feel hurt and depression, laugh, smile :>) , and accept that other people tell you that you can and will get past all of this, because you will.

The solution is in you - not others - just take the time to care about yourself and remember her as you go forward in life. It just sucks that as we keep working to go forward in life while it still hurts so much.

Hang in there it will get better - I promise!

- Response by marc2u, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 46-55, Los Angeles

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Darlin! You need to cry and hurt and miss her desperately. You need to do it with all of the intensity that you feel necessary. You might find it helpful to create a journal where you write her notes every day; whenever the feeling comes to you and you find yourself needing to be close to her. Birthdays and anniversaries and other holidays that she really enjoyed, you need to talk to her. Use the journal.

Anniversaries and birthdays will pass and with them more tears and memories of times lost. Mourn and grieve and write to her.

You will find that it will get a bit easier and easier to think about her without the tears. After about two years, you will find yourself remembering more of the times that she made you laugh and more of the funny things you both shared; as opposed to pure tears and sadness.

I lost the love of my life prematurely in Feb. 2006. I thought I would never get past it. We only got married in 2000. I did exactly what I am telling you to do. I have just gotten to the point that I will see things he liked or enjoyed and smile with the memory. I have his birthday programmed on my cell phone and on that day I will think about him all day and wish him a Happy Birthday. He will always live in my heart.

I counsel people that have lost their loves ones. This experience helped me to better help them. The thought that came to me was: If you had a choice right this minute, feeling all of the pain that you are feeling, to erase your fiancee from ever having entered your life, WOULD YOU?

I asked myself that question. My answer was: I would not trade that eight years of my life, that was filled with pure joy, for anything in the world. I did not suffer a loss, as much as I gained the fabulous experience of KNOWING SUCH A BEAUTIFUL SOUL as my husband had. I would rather have had HIM for eight years and maybe never love again; than to have never had his eight years at all.

This was an event that is life-changing. It is terribly sad. It is, as I am learning, as I get older, only the beginning as far as losing loved ones. But, all of them were little treasures that added to and made up, who you are today. They are pieces of YOUR puzzle. Her life ended; your must continue on. Carry her memory with you and allow those memories to make you a wiser and more loving human being. Make it all worth SOMETHING GOOD.

I too, lost my best friend in the entire world and will never forget him. I don't have to. You will get to a peaceful place when it is time. For now, just miss her and remember her and take care of yourself. Never forget all of those around YOU that would be just as devastated if something ever happened to you. It made me more aware of just that. Turn to the people that love you the most for comfort. Allow them to hold you and listen to you and mourn with you. Let others in. Keep your heart open. :)

Take care dear one.

- Response by randyl, A Thinker, Female, Who Cares?, Technical

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Don't forget that she is with you in spirit that you had the wonderful pleasure of meeting such an amazing human being, she was a mentor lover and friend and that is a bond that can never be broken. You fell in love and there people in this life that never find the love of their life, you were lucky! Your will make it through, there is nothing worse that losing soneone you love. Huggs and tears

- Response by cococrispy68, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Sacramento, Home Maker

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Only time will heal this hurt to where you can finally bear it. Losing a loved one is losing part of yourself and it can never be replaced. There isn't anything anyone can say or do, at this point, that is going to make that hurt go away.. Ask God for help in understanding and strength to get through this. It take 2 years to be able to feel like you are almost normal and ready to get on with your life.
One day somewhere doown the road, you will realize she was no the only thought on your mind or you hadn't thought about her for most of the day...and then you will feel guilty about it, but that is the day your healing will actually being. It is OK not to think of them every moment. When you have gotten to that point you will have some understanding. Your love will not deminish just becasue you didn't think of her, ut you are beginning to put your life back together...I will pray for you and her soul. God Bless you!!!!

- Response by barbb, An Alternative Girl, Female, Who Cares?, Other Profession

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Dude, I wish I could be more helpful here right now- your post moved me more than any I've read in two years here on AO- I used to be a crisis counselor and spent time as 'Father Confessor' to the folks in my charge in the military...If you don't find sage, soothing words from the kind folks here, PM me and I'll be back in the morning.
God Bless.

- Response by stillagoodguy1, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 56-65, Political / Government

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sweety, i lost the love of my life, aug 1st will be 3 years, and it still haunts me to this day.. as i found him and couldn't save him... there is nothing that can be said or done .. you have to go thru the grief process, and it's no joke.. grief can take a toll on ones husband was also hispanic, just when you said about the brown eyes, i pictured my nelson's face , and pictured his almond shaped brown eyes, the pain will never go away, we just learn to live/deal with it...i aug 1st will be 3 years aand it seems like yesterday..i will always miss him, let alone love him.. but he is with me in spirit..they say time heals, not for me, the longer i didn't see,hear,feel, the more reality sunk in...that i will never see mu husband again.. and we were almost 15 years together knew each other 20 years.. but hey if you need to talk we are here .. there are many wonderful people on here on ao.. and i'll never forget who was there for me, the same friends of mine on ao will be there for you as they were for me, so if i ain't around to help i know they will be for you.. take care..

- Response by mburgos, A Cool Mom, Female, 46-55, Philadelphia, Who Cares?

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You are never alone!
I read all the other responses, and every one of them is right on. You MUST grieve, and cry your eyes out. When you feel like you can't shed another tear, cry some more. It's the only way to achieve healing.
I lost a beautiful friend twenty five years ago, and I still feel the hurt.
It never goes away.
Here's a book you might check out, by Robert Schwartz, "Your Soul's Plan". It won't ease the hurt, but it will help you make better sense of it all. It's cheap, at Yoursoulsplan dot com. I recommend it highly.

- Response by chesterdad, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 66 or older, San Francisco

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:( all i can say is it gets easier with time. just remember all the great times. this will always hurt you. but she wouldn't want you to be sad. just live your life to its fullest potential in her memory. my condolences.

- Response by j3s5e, A Rebel, Male, 29-35, Who Cares?

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Ifeel foryou having lost my angel 3yrs ago, I actually lost the will to live and an now not afraid of death, it will give me peace

- Response by duggers, A Guy Critical, Male, 66 or older

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im sorry for your loss- a true love and i have only had one, hurts bad when its gone- the void it leaves can be unbearable at times. grief is the toughest emotion..start running or cycling long distances- the athletic activity will ease some of the pain temporarily. a part of you will never be the same

- Response by A Career Man, Male, 46-55, New York, Who Cares?

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