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Boundaries between adult brother and sister...
Dating / 3:44 PM - Wednesday July 22, 2009

Boundaries between adult brother and sister...

Should a 28 year old man make his 24 yr old sister a greater priorty than his girlfriend of 4 years?

He told me that he didn't want children and their were enough kids in the world, but he wants to get married.

Two months later, he moves in with his pregnant sister to pay half her rent because her baby daddy is a lame.

Now she gives him pedicures and cooks his meal.

When that used to be OUR things. He even invited her fat ass on our dates.I never got mad to their face,but I called him to talk about it and he called me jealous.Then I went over there again and he went and got her something to eat and told me to wait on dinner.

I really don't understand, I thought her man was supposed to wait on her not mine.

What do you think?

- Asked by juslovely, An Alternative Girl, Female, 29-35, Detroit, Artist / Musician / Writer

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I know God is going to get mad at me for this comment but are you sure the baby is not his???????

- Response by almostcoolmom4, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, New York, Other Profession

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Community Rating: Community Star

You would be better to just walk away...... Find someone that will treat you as you deserve.
Family bonds are good and all, but this is just wrong.

- Response by singledad281, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 46-55, Houston, Hospitality

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Read up on family clans...and then run.

- Response by phoenixbandit, A Guy Critical, Male, 66 or older, Columbus, Law Enforcement

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What part of Kentucky do you live in ?

- Response by nicolegillenwater, A Thinker, Female, 36-45

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I don't really think it is EVER necessary to call people names but hey if you are that unhappy, get out.

- Response by livestolaugh, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Managerial

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something very weird is going there. Maybe you should let this dude go.

- Response by girlpower08, A Sportif, Female, 36-45

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It's a little weird, but maybe it's harmless. They sound very close, hopefully not too close if you know what I mean.

Whatever the dynamic is there, it leaves little room for his own personal life (meaning you). So where does that put you on his list of priorities? Honestly, I can't say since I don't really know him and I'm only hearing your side of the story.

If this is something you can't deal with know some decisions are not exactly easy to make, but in the long run you know they will be best. Before doing anything drastic try to talk to him in a non judgmental way. Don't whine or complain. Just ask him where he sees you in all of this. You'll get your answer even if he lies or is trying to hold onto something he no longer feels a passion for.

- Response by trufflet, A Thinker, Female, 29-35

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Ok, this is kind of weird to me. He's definitely putting her before you. I understand she's going through a hard time, but for him to just move in with her and put your relationship on the back burner is just not right to me. And she gives him pedicures? That's just kind of disturbing.

- Response by bellajayde1, A Trendsetter, Female, 29-35, San Jose, Who Cares?

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My children are close like this,They helped raise each other when I couldnt be there. They have a bond no one cane come between (His girl fusses all the time). If you cant deal with it you will have to get out....

- Response by brezzyblue, A Life of the Party, Female, 46-55, Other Profession

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sounds fishy to me.

- Response by daffodils2008, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Medical / Dental

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Oh hell no. I would feel the same way that you do. If he doesn't care for kids so much, he wouldn't be too concerned that his pregnant sister is in trouble. Being pregnant isn't a diesease. She can do for herself until she's giving birth. If I were you I would explain to him that it hurts your feelings that he's not doing things with you that he normally does. After 4 years of being by his side your date nights are owed to you. I hope it gets better!

- Response by zhzfs5, A Cool Mom, Female, 29-35

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I'm thinking that while it may be strange for him to get pedicures from her, everything else sounds rather okay. I mean, family ties ALWAYS trump other relationships, because outside relationships can end, but family will always be family. He recognizes that his sister is in a rough spot and wants to help her, though to you it may seem like he is being weird and incestuous. Her cooking him meals is not something to be worried about, so I'm not sure why you listed it.

He most likely doesn't understand why you are feeling neglected and upset because he sees himself as doing the right thing for his sister. I would suggest speaking to him in a way that is not accusatory, and avoid speaking ill of his sister (calling her a fat ass is quite out of line) because he will see it as insulting. Tell him that you are wondering when he plans to withdraw his support and continue on with the plans you two have made.

- Response by kitanachan, An Alternative Girl, Female, 26-28, Phoenix, Technical

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I think its more odd that a girlfriend is upset that he is helping his sister out and views it with jealousy. I think he should dump you with that type of mind. Rosey

- Response by roseytalks, A Thinker, Female, Who Cares?, Tampa, Who Cares?

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um....are you sure this baby is not his (her brother's). Sounds sickening, but I can see where he might want to help out but this sounds like it's more than that....

- Response by chiromissy, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Financial / Banking

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i know this is hard but you gotta find another person who will show you how he cares about you and how special you are, it is good that he is close to his sister but still he made a committment with you so he should show how important you are

- Response by pearl0518, A Career Woman, Female, 26-28, Other Profession

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Ha ha....FRiggin West Virgina Babby!!! .,......... Oh well I guess that answers my question..... If your Boyfriend Gats a Divorce from his first Wife...are they still Brother and Sister????

- Response by boxer1, A Guy Critical, Male, 46-55, Self-Employed

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He is not obligated to you.
What is going on here?

- Response by flwoodpecker, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 36-45, Other Profession

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Ditch the loser and rub a muppet all over your body instead.

- Response by lom2009, A Guy Critical, Male, 46-55

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My God, he's helping his sister-stop being so selfish. It is his blood, and he is trying to make sure she is ok. He's being a good man, knowing that the father is not.

My sisters offered for me to move in when I was pregnant and my husband had been physically abusive. He stopped and I stayed, but knowing that if it happened again my sisters would be there has made all the difference to me.

He includes her on the "dates" so she's not all alone. If you want to be alone with him, request alone time directly with him.

You are jealous, which is normal and ok. Just ask him to provide alone time with you and to not stop doing those things in the relationship that were special to you.

How would you expect your family to treat you if your spouse deserted you?

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 36-45

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When a boyfriend of yours puts you in the back burner for some family member it's best you take those 4 years as a loss. Girl move on....he will always be like this with his family. They come first.

My daughter had the same experience and was with her boyfriend for 4 years , his mother and siblings. No way she was always the last....I told her one day " You need to find yourself a man that has his shit together and that can put you in first place in his life" and she did just that left his ass. She is very happy and excited that she is starting all over and thinking of herself. She is doing herself and thinking for herself.
I advice you the same thing, girl move on and run , run as fast as you can. Do you girl, you really don't need a man to be valued. God Bless.

- Response by thewiselady2004, A Creative, Female, 56-65, Los Angeles, Self-Employed

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OMG this reminds me of that episode of Friends where Rachel dates this guy in her building that behaves completely inappropriately with his sister & sees nothing wrong with it. It was VERY DISTURBING to watch but yet it was one of the most hilarious episodes ever!! However, I can't imagine it in real life - which is what you have to deal with & I'm sure it's not I'm sorry but if you saw the episode you would probably relate. By the way...Rachel got out fast!

- Response by ladiebugss, A Married Girl, Female, 36-45, Detroit, Administrative

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So your brother moves in with his pregnant sister to help take care of her cause the baby's father is obviously not really in the picture... The sister cooks in the apartment they share which frankly sounds very natural... alot of ladies like to cook, most guys don't. She's pregnant and probably alone and so she doesn't feel so alone in the world right now he takes her along with you when you guys going do things...

He sounds like a nice guy that a person could count on and frankly you sound like a jealous bitch who has tried to make this sound weirder than it really is.

And to answer your basic question "Should a 28 year old man make his 24 yr old sister a greater priorty than his girlfriend of 4 years"... the basic answer is "YES". The sister is family and you are just some woman he's dating that will probably not be around in 4 more years.... His sister is family and always will be... and that is why blood is thicker than water.

- Response by An Intellectual Guy, Male, 36-45, Teaching

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Well when your tired of him I'll take you in.. I know how to treat you,

- Response by pepperman46, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 46-55

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Minus the pedicures and meals, I have recently done a similar thing for my sister.

She isn't pregnant, but she has two young daughters and an ex who doesn't help out at all. The guy may show up every few weeks to get the kids for a 1/2 day. So I moved in, rented the spare room and hopefully provide a bit of financial help and stability for the kids, plus a positive male role model in the house.

My GF thinks I'm very unselfish and kind for doing so...

I realize these situations aren't exactly the same, but what it comes down to is this: why are you unhappy? is it because you aren't #1 in his life right now? Are you not getting enough time from him?

It sounds like there may need to be a bit of give and take and you two need to work out what thats going to be

- Response by jdyeah, A Life of the Party, Male, 29-35, San Francisco, Science / Engineering

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Sounds a bit odd to me. But hey maybe in their family they have always taken care of each other and been really close. Either way, if you don't like what you are seeing or experiencing best to end things. Why stick around and feel uncomfortable when you don't have to?

- Response by CursedRomantic, A Thinker, Female, 26-28, Columbus, Student

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Hun, I think brother is looking after pregnant sister and is sharing with the sister for now .. U say the babys father is lame? Does he live there to and are the sister and her partner together?? I get the feeling the father of the baby is not there or wasnt there at the time. Nothing wrong with brother and sister sharing same home.
Hun think u and your parther (the brother) better have a one on one face to face chat (not over the phone? and realize that blood is thick and sister will always be in brothers life. For your relationship to continue u need to adjust and realise that. Talk about your concerns and yes at the moment u do sound jealous as brother is paying more attention to pregnant sister than u. Brother is just helping out pregnant sister hun .. think u are reading to much in to it .
Let us know how u get on .
U both need to chat hun .

- Response by berri, A Career Woman, Female, 46-55, New South Wales, Who Cares?

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I can totaly see where you are coming from, but I think this guy is worth holding on to because it's kind of sweet. Why don't you suggest counselling to him? And if that doesn't work, then move on.

- Response by gemma24, A Trendsetter, Female, 29-35, Teaching

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I would never touch my brother's toes, no matter what he did for me and we are very close. I'd simply say thanks. First thought is that this young lady is not his sister. Was she around before the pregnancy? You take it from there.

- Response by sexyaccountant, A Creative, Female, 46-55, Other Profession

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Stopping short of cooking meals and pedicures, my family is priority to me. Boyfriends came and went, but family is always there.

- Response by seductivepisces9, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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I dunno, short of the pedicures (because I hate other people's feet!) I already make meals for my brother on a regular basis. I don't think anything here is that off. So he's helping his sister out where he can, that's a good man and a better brother than most women could ask for. As his gf of 4 years he probably expects you to understand his position and his relationship with his sister. My brothers and I have considered moving in together many times. I would also be really grateful if I was in between a rock and a hard place that my brother would help me out in any way he could.

You should expect that the way a man treats his sister is the way that he will treat you. Being so good to her is only a sign of how good he can and will be to you when you need him by your side. Of course, you're being nasty, you don't like what he's doing, you call his sister a fat ass, and when he gets her out of the house and takes her with you to dinner (what he believes I expect, is killing two birds with one stone - spending time with the two of you, getting her out instead of held up at home and likely allowing the two of you to bond) you hold it against him.

I think you're the one who needs to straighten up here. I think he's nothing short of awesome.

- Response by sweetness04, A Trendsetter, Female, 26-28, Artist / Musician / Writer

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if you want to screw your brother it is ok with me...

- Response by A Father Figure, Male, 66 or older, Atlanta, Retired

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the problem is not that he is taking care of his sister, but that he neglects you. Don't turn it into a "me vs. her situation".

some men are close to their families. some aren't. that's just life. Me, I'd rather have a man who was loyal to his family than one who could care less, because that shows character and qualities that I admire.

His sister is having a hard time. She made some bad decisions. He's trying to help her out and take care of her. She's showing her appreciation by taking care of him too. And, it's sorta sweet he wants to look after her while she's pregnant. Pregnant women do get tired more easily and need a little extra pampering.

All that being said - I do think it's unacceptable that he invites her out on dates with you guys. It's one thing to have you over for a dinner with his sister, or to occasionally invite her along to the movies or stuff with the two of you, but he should clear that with you first, and your date nights should be just for the two of you.

Talk to him and tell him that while you understand his desire to care for his sister, you also need some attention and one-on-one time. Ask him to set aside a couple of night a week just for the two of you. As long as he is willing to give you his undivided attention during your date nights, don't get bent out of shape about him taking care of his sister.

- Response by curvysmartgirl, A Creative, Female, 46-55, Dallas, Artist / Musician / Writer

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I am very close to my older brothers and to be honest, I sure wouldn't expect or even ask them to do anything like that for me, no matter what condition I was in because it would be just too seems your guy isn't 'listening' to your concerns and is instead trying to make you look like the 'bad guy' because you are questioning the relationship he has with his sister and instead of explaining it to you, he's choosing to make you feel bad for the thoughts you are having...I would talk to the sister and find out what is going on with them and let her know that I tried talking to her brother but he didn't want to talk about it and see if I could come to some conclusion as to why they treat each other like this...if this isn't something you want to do, it might be best to reconsider the relationship and determine if you want to continue to be second in his life, especially after the baby comes...:D

- Response by fastball, A Cool Mom, Female, 36-45, Edmonton, Self-Employed

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It seems quite odd to me that his own sister is giving him pedicures. That seems too intimate to me for a brother and sister. It is not jealousy on your part because he should continue doing that with you and care about your dinner just as much as he does his sister's dinner. Sounds like he is coddling her because she is pregnant and her man is gone. He shouldn't invite her on your dates either. This sounds like a deal breaker to me unless something changes.

- Response by dreamdancer, A Creative, Female, 36-45, Houston, Other Profession

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I've seen behaviors like that a couple of times. I hate to tell you this but in each and every case I found out later that there was incest going on. While there might not be any overt incest here there certainly is enough going on to qualify for something referred to as covert incest. This man is acting as if his sister were his romantic partner or his wife. I wouldn't even bother to try and redirect this behavior...I'd just dump him and move on.

- Response by joybird, A Creative, Female, Who Cares?, Therapist

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Incest happens more than you think in this country, it's just never discussed. And your situation seems to fit the bill. A sister giving a brother a pedicure? Yup, I think the baby is his.

- Response by lmarks, A Life of the Party, Male, 29-35, Los Angeles, Who Cares?

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what the f?

- Response by osieboo, A Thinker, Female, 56-65

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Whats wrong with pregnant sister giving Brother a pedicure . Sister maybe qualified to do so . Ive given my sister a pedicure. Am I classed as weird cause I given my sister a pedicure. Dont see the big deal over it. Whats wrong with Brother getting sister something to eat then asking u to wait for dinner. Obvisiously having something different maybe?
brother is helping his sister out hun . Blood is thicker than water and will always be.
Change your attitude. If u are to remain as his partner u need to except that the brother and sister , they share the same house together etc. Sounds like he is trying also to include u but there u see is always a problem..
Yes U do sound jealous as Brother is paying more attention to pregnant sister than yourself at the moment.

- Response by berri, A Career Woman, Female, 46-55, New South Wales, Who Cares?

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I've actually already answered this.

- Response by ladiebugss, A Married Girl, Female, 36-45, Detroit, Administrative

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Let go of it. If it doesn't feel right and it isn't respectful of your boundaries of trust and respect, then move on. If he's doing "your things" with her, that's odd and inappropriate. If he's been with you four years and you're not engaged, move on. If he isn't open to your thoughts, feelings, ideas and needs, move on. And whether it's his sister or anyone else, I doubt you'll find peace with his inability to make you the priority. Does his sister need support? Yes. But, that doesn't mean he's going to listen to your concerns, needs, and understand that whether or not it's his sister, or anyone else, that there should be an understanding between the two of you of what consitutes appropriate physical touch, intimacy, and nurturing. Some things are special between two people who in love. And those things should not be shared with anyone else. Call Dr. Laura on her radio show and see what she says. I always hear insightful comments from her. And by the way, I am very curious how his sister treats you. I'm guessing she isn't like a best friend to you and would rather have her brother all to herself. This is what is called emotional incest. Not physical incest. Inappropriate emotional bonds between siblings. Not a very nice thing to hear. But, happens often as a result of very dysfunctional childhoods. Take care of yourself.

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 56-65

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Maybe they're just really close. You don't offer too enticing of an alternative I suppose. Work on yourself before dissing others.

- Response by seanc, A Guy Critical, Male, 29-35, Financial / Banking

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