Back to Home

Active Questions

I'm miserable with my husband. I don't know if I should stay or leave for the sake of our son.
Married Life / 4:37 AM - Tuesday July 21, 2009

I'm miserable with my husband. I don't know if I should stay or leave for the sake of our son.

I can't count the number of times he's made me cry.

This morning he flipped out and called me terrible names (a not so nice way of saying stubborn idiot etc.) because I booked our babies vaccinations in a place he didn't advise. He asked why I did it, I said because it was where I first made the appointment, and it was the only place with appointments. I didn't remember which place he suggested anyways and there was a star next to both places, and the one I picked had a set appointment and the one he wanted had only waiting hours and we could be waiting all day. Either way though, the way he reacted was really mean and uncalled for.

The long and short of it is that my asking him if he knew where the place was ended in him calling me disrespectful names and making me cry-again.

I really am not happy. I wonder if being around this is worse for our baby than being in a divorced home.

I want to do what is best for our baby, at this point I really don't know what that is. I'm not happy with my husband though, and although I would love for a happy marriage, at this point I'm just exhausted by my husband and just want him to stay away for a while.

- Asked by A Thinker, Female, 36-45

Read more about the Rating System


Every marriage goes through rough patches and it sounds like yours is going through that now. If it wasn't for your son I would say to get separated but you do have your child. I think it's important especially during the early years that the child has both the mother and the father together. I would suggest maybe to try marriage councelling. Good Luck.

- Response by A Sportif, Female, 36-45, Vancouver, Who Cares?

Rating Received:


would you take the sound advice given you anyway, unlike a couple who have told horror stories on here before?
Or are you just using this board as a sympathy sounding board to help feel sorry for yourself?

- Response by A Father Figure, Male, 56-65

Rating Received:

Community Rating: Community Star

You DON'T need that crap. If you can get away from him for awhile and sort things out the baby will pick up the stress in you and that's not healthy..Best of luck

- Response by oldman52, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 56-65, Sydney, Retired

Rating Received:


ONLY YOU can determine whether or not you can handle living with him. Nobody can tell you to leave him; or make you boot him out.

I can only tell you, that if you think you can make it financially without him, DO IT. Sooner rather than later. When I did it, I did it for my son. I was not important enough. But, when I passed my baby's crib and saw my husband smack him and tell him to shut up, that gave me the courage, strength and determination, to get the hell out of Dodge!

I never looked back and I never regretted it. To this day all I can think of is all the misery I saved that boy from. Today, I am sure that he is a healthier and happier man, because of what HE DID NOT ENDURE or WITNESS as a child.

If you are not special or important enough, then think about your child.

Then your MOMMA MODE WILL KICK IN!

:)

- Response by randyl, A Thinker, Female, Who Cares?, Los Angeles, Who Cares?

Rating Received:


Take his money and his son, like all bloodsucking American women

- Response by seanc, A Guy Critical, Male, 29-35, Financial / Banking

Rating Received:


I'm sorry.Your husband has lost respect for you.Whether this is due to a shortcoming of his whether real or percieved which he takes out on you or whether you have changed I can't say.But at some point he has come to feel that his opinion is more important than yours is.

What you haven't mentioned in this post is talking to him about this.Telling him how you feel.I would suggest printing this letter and showing it to him then telling him things have to change if he wants the marriage to work.He has to understand how badly he's treating you and how it makes you feel.He has to understand your an adult just as he is and an equal partner.

- Response by justme38271, A Mr. Married Guy, Male, 46-55, Consulting

Rating Received:


I'm sorry.Your husband has lost respect for you.Whether this is due to a shortcoming of his whether real or percieved which he takes out on you or whether you have changed I can't say.But at some point he has come to feel that his opinion is more important than yours is.

What you haven't mentioned in this post is talking to him about this.Telling him how you feel.I would suggest printing this letter and showing it to him then telling him things have to change if he wants the marriage to work.He has to understand how badly he's treating you and how it makes you feel.He has to understand your an adult just as he is and an equal partner.

- Response by justme38271, A Mr. Married Guy, Male, 46-55, Consulting

Rating Received:


Your husband clearly cannot control his emotions. No one deserves to be called names and belittled. You have to decide whether it is healthy for you to continually endure your husband's foul behavior. Remember as your son grows up he will hear your husband's verbal abuse and either grow to hate his father or think that his behavior is acceptable. Since your husband is disrespectful to you, your son may in turn treat you with the same disrepect. If you can afford it get yourself some counseling.

- Response by cocoacurevelous, A Hip Hop Girl, Female, 46-55, Administrative

Rating Received:


It's a funny thing kids can always tell how there parents are feeling regardless of how well they try to cover it up. Would you rather your son was brought up in an environment as such or leave him and bring him up in a loving environment in which you feel happy? Please don't sacrifice yourself, you will end up hating yourself or projecting your hate on to other. Do what you have to do to make yourself happy, leave him for a while, please.

- Response by croft1423, A Sportif, Female, 26-28, Student

Rating Received:


Divorcing him may be necessary. It 'sounds' as though he is a controlling, verbally abusive a$$. I was married to one and the example you gave brought back alot of bad memories for me. It's about control. He wants you to defer to him on everything and it's ridiculous. If it wasn't the doc appt. it would be something else.
However, before divorce, I hope you will try some other things. If he can change, it will be better for your son to have an intact family. But if he can't or won't, you will have to get away from him.
You should do 2 things:
1. Start standing up to him. Instead of crying, tell him he's being an ass and that you will not stand for it any longer! Then mean it. Walk away, leave the room when he gets like this.
2. Insist on marriage counseling. Tell him how close to leaving you really are. Go by yourself if he refuses.

- Response by makinit40, A Cool Mom, Female, 46-55, Self-Employed

Rating Received:


After 27 years of disrespect I finally found the courage to leave my husband.
Yes, it took a terrible toll on my children...his behavior seemed "normal" to them.
I wish I had left earlier.

- Response by gettingstronger, A Cool Mom, Female, 46-55, Teaching

Rating Received:


A child does not thrive in a home where his or her mother is called names or abused. For your baby's sake your husband either agrees to counselling or you move out. Do this for the health of your child..end the abuse cycle. Rosey

- Response by roseytalks, A Thinker, Female, Who Cares?, Tampa, Who Cares?

Rating Received:


Are you sure that you are just not being overly sensitive. You said baby which I am assuming you have a very young child. When did you deliver? Some of this emotional mess may be caused by your hormones not being balanced yet.

Now a husband should never disrespect his wife regardless so this issue needs to be addressed. Just know that a baby can bring on alot of stress and there are so many adjustments both you and your husband are having to go through. I wouldn't make any rash decisions here unless you feel like your life is in danger i.e. abuse. Instead maybe some counseling, or just learning how to communicate will help here. Also, you may want to visit your obgyn and see if he can help you with your hormones, etc. It takes time and many people go through such things after a baby you two just need to learn how to argue, as well be respectful in the process.

- Response by kdtxchic30, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

Rating Received:


Have you ALWAYS been unhappy or has it just started? If you have been unhappy for a LONG time then you REALLY know what you need to do. To stay with the dad just for the children 9in your case child) is not the answer. In most cases they never work out. Deciding now is bettr than later. Make a list of what is making you unhappy and what will make you happy. Take the list and think if he would actually be able to provide those things to you? Make the decision for yourself dont use your son as an excuse to hold on to a relationship that is truly not making you happy.

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 29-35

Rating Received:


You need to go. No one deserves to be called degrading name and your not happy with this man anyway, its time to cut your losses and get out with your child. You want to do what is best for your baby, well what is best is for your child not to witness his father calling mommy names and making her cry. If your happy the baby will be happy. Good luck. And if you do decide to go, then go to a lawyer to find out what your rights are and what your entitled too. Make sure that is something you do before you make your move. Again good luck to you and I hope everything works out.

- Response by mysticdream44, A Sweet Sarah, Female, 56-65, Who Cares?

Rating Received:


what a bully...

- Response by osieboo, A Thinker, Female, 56-65

Rating Received:


go to marriage counil, at least you can have a safe place to express yourself. i know you love your son, yet he may have a negative impact to the way how he treated women.

- Response by tracybut, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Managerial

Rating Received:


It is really hard to say what is the best route to go, especially when its regarding children and we are not part of the actual situation.

I've never seen an arguement escalate without both people provoking it... chances are that the communication between you and your husband is lacking proper strength. When two people can talk with each other, even about the things that they know are going to provoke conflicts, it says alot about the strength of their marriage.

Coming from a divorced family, in my case it was much better that my parents split up. Living in a environment of conflict is going to do nothing but breed a person who condones or hates conflict. There are no guarantees which way that person will go, that is a personal choice.

Ultimately you have to do what is best not just for you, but your children. Divorce or dedication... either choice is not going to be easy, but then again the good things never are.

- Response by dreamguide66, An Intellectual Guy, Male, Who Cares?, Technical

Rating Received:


Miserable, then leave. Take the son and as much money as you can. GL

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Other Profession

Rating Received:


I was once in the same position. I was reading different advice articles and one statement i read was.. "better to come from a broken home than to live in one"....that statement spoke volumes to me.

Good luck to you.

- Response by upallnitetoo, A Creative, Female, 46-55

Rating Received:


I was once in the same position. I was reading different advice articles and one statement i read was.. "better to come from a broken home than to live in one"....that statement spoke volumes to me.

Good luck to you.

- Response by upallnitetoo, A Creative, Female, 46-55

Rating Received:


Personally, I think divorce is best for the both of you. He'll learn that he can't treat women that way, and you'll be able to have peace in your own home. Just think: is it going to hurt your child more to stay in a household that's constantly fighting or to be in a household with one loving parent? Good luck!!

- Response by zhzfs5, A Cool Mom, Female, 26-28

Rating Received:


Honey, your husband is what is called verbally abusive. And if you are not happy and he's making you cry with the foul things he says to you, it's time for you to leave and take your baby before you wind up having even MORE babies with this cruel man. Your baby does not need to see his/her mother being berated like that, it sets a terrible example.

- Response by engelheart, A Creative, Female, 29-35

Rating Received:


Just simply remember that the best for you and for your child is to be happy. Just imagine what you wanted when in your childood. And don't forget that above your mariage and your child you are a person with dreams. If you live up your dreams you will happy and give the best of the examples to your son.

- Response by rico78, A Guy Critical, Male, 36-45, Who Cares?

Rating Received:


Since you have stated that you want to do what is best for your baby, the 'best' thing you can do is to try marriage counselling or therapy because no matter how much you try to 'hide' the arguing and tension from your baby, the baby still 'senses' that something is not right and will/can begin to 'act up' because of it(he can go from being a quiet child to one that throws tantrums, has 'angry' fits, begins yelling, etc because that is what he may see or sense)...people may think that when/if things aren't going right in their marriage that the children don't know but the truth is that children sense/see/act out anything they see their parents doing...if you truly want to do what's best for your baby(and yourself), find someone you can talk to and someone that you and your husband can talk to so that the insults and crying aren't things your baby has to grow up around and so you can have the happy marriage you want...:D

- Response by fastball, A Cool Mom, Female, 36-45, Edmonton, Self-Employed

Rating Received:


I think staying in an unhappy and unhealthy marriage for the sake of the children is never good for the children. I think it's best to have parents that are happy. My cousin is finally leaving her husband who has been emotionally abusive and controlling throughout their entire marriage. This marriage and the way her husband treated her really has affected and impacted the kids. I'm not sure if your relationship is emotionally abusive but if he is calling names and insulting you it definately sounds like one. Also do you want your child to grow up and think that is an acceptable way to speake to a woman and treat your child's mother?

- Response by baybreeze69, A Career Woman, Female, 29-35, Who Cares?

Rating Received:


marriage counseling for both of you and anger management for him!!

- Response by richsifu, A Rebel, Male, 46-55, Science / Engineering

Rating Received:


I have never seen a long term relationship where the arguing and disrespect flowed only one way. I am guessing both of you are the types to start fights. The problem with two people with this personality type is that fighting is only fun for the person winning and in this sort of win/lose game somebody has to lose.

Perhaps divorcing and getting out of a dysfunctional relationship is part of the solution but if you like to fight with partners then there will be more personal work beyond the divorce before the fighting with other people problem is solved.

- Response by bailarenfuego, A Guy Critical, Male, 46-55, Technical

Rating Received:


Perhaps actually listening to your husband will help alliviate alot of the turmoil. Nothing iritates a husband more than to be disrespected by having his wishes be known and then ignored. As another poster stated, its pretty rare that there is only one hostile party in a troubled relationship. We know you're not going to come on here and be truely open and honest... about him sure, about yourself, thats pretty rare.

As with all problems, the best place to start is with one's self and not others. You need to look at your behavior and ask what you're doing to make this situation so hostile and then correct that. I'm not excusing him; I'd tell him the same thing... the issue here though is essentially, someone has to go first, someone has to put the 'sword' down first, and since I'm talking to you; I'll suggest to you that you do it. You child deserves your best effort to make this relatioship work.

- Response by An Intellectual Guy, Male, 36-45, Teaching

Rating Received: