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How do I leave a good marriage for greener pastures?
Married Life / 3:35 PM - Sunday July 19, 2009

How do I leave a good marriage for greener pastures?

You know how everyone here is always saying they don't judge people and quoting "Judge not lest you be judged" or "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone".

Keep that in mind as you answer my question.

Nothing is wrong with my marriage. I just want more. There's a certain lady client of mine that I would like to pursue a relationship with. I would like have a trial relationship with her before I do something big as leaving my wife. I want to make sure it works and everything's fine because there's no reason to leave my wife unless I get with someone better.

I've heard horror stories of people leaving their spouses to be with someone else and then things don't work out. I don't want to be just another one of those statistics.

Update: July 20, 2009.
We've been married over 10 years. Those years of loyalty, providing for my wife and children, being an excellent husband and father, those years must mean something and should be taken into consideration. When those of you who cast stones and judged me, when you yourself are judged by others, why do you cry "I don't judge others" and that God is the only one who can judge someone? Do you spew hypocrisy only when judgment is passed upon you but you are guilty of doing things you hate people doing to you? I laugh at your self righteousness and holier than thou attitude. One mistake does not take away years of good.

- Asked by A Mr. Married Guy, Male, 36-45, New York, Consulting

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Ive found myself in a similar situation awhile back. Dont listen to anyone but your heart. but Id really tell you to stay with your wife. If you want to go find someone "better" than you have a few screws to tighten in your marriage. Are you truley happy? If you think that your wife deserves more, than by all means, leave her. But if you are doing it for your own gain, than dont. The foridden fruit always looks better to you b4 you actually eat it. How long have you been married?

- Response by schell, A Married Girl, Female, 29-35, Celebrity

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you know you'll end up with neither one....so screw up any way you want............the results will be the same................... your gonna be alone ...fat and bald...and paying toothless crack ho's for Sex...... Hows that for Greener pastures... Dillweed??

- Response by boxer1, A Guy Critical, Male, 46-55, Self-Employed

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OMG-you and I are in the EXACT same boat-only I'm not married. I've been with this guy now for 3 years and I love him very much and he is nuts about me-only problem is-I feel as though I've settled for him and should have nipped it in the bud and not have stayed in the relationship. I was never really physically attracted to him and he has problems with jobs to the point where the bosses scream at him-he also has ADD, which could be the problem-and I'm just not in love with him.

I'm having a very hard time deciding whether to stay with him or to go with this other guy I work with, whom I've been involved with for almost a year. I feel the same way-I don't want to break it off with my current boyfriend because I want to "wait and see" how things will turn out.

So, that being said, if you don't mind my asking, what is it about your wife that you are not happy with? How long have you been married to her?

- Response by sexylisa, A Career Woman, Female, 46-55, Miami, Administrative

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I NEVER say "judge not lest ye be judged." I believe we're all perfectly entitled to disapprove of other people's behavior, as long as we don't think our disapproval entitles us to control their behavior.

So, I think you're a prick of the first order. I hope your wife is ALREADY trying what you're thinking about.

- Response by justpassingthru, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Financial / Banking

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Douch bag! And good for you boxer 1. You sound like a great husband. You're wife is very lucky. As for you, Mr. Married Guy, you are a coward. Divorce first or better yet share with your wife and let her know how you feel, if she is smart she'll divorce you!!!! My x did that to me after 31 years of marriage and he is alone now and I told him it would happen but he thought he was in love. The douchbag coward just like you.

- Response by daisyduke68025, A Creative, Female, 56-65

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Is this a joke? I mean, this sounds like the kind of mindless drivel a woman would post haha.

- Response by An Intellectual Guy, Male, 36-45, Teaching

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I hear that Alah gives out virgins in the afterlife. So there you go... Become a Muslim, SHOOT yourself and have the Greenest of Pastures.

- Response by depecheduran, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 36-45, Other Profession

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You sound DAMN stupid and naive, read your post! Goodness, I can't believe your age range. Either you're total loser or you must be going through middle age crisis. sheesh. my ex hubby did that but i was smart enough to find out before he divorced me. I friggin' divorce him, now what? he's ALL ALONE and desperate to get back me and our kid, he's been trying for 4 years. He looks terrible, unhealthy and unhappy. You seem to deserve to be unhappy, divorce your wife, I'm sure she can do better than a retarded jerk like you.

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Moscow, Other Profession

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This is why women call men pigs; the tiny minority do stupid, childish things and make sure to get noticed, while the vast majority of nice guys go quietly on doing what is right and being the kind of MAN they are supposed to be.

Only a gutless, childish coward would forsake his wife and marriage to use TWO hearts as punching bags for his own enjoyment.

- Response by stillagoodguy1, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 46-55, Celebrity

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Regarding your update:

Well, I'm an atheist, so your "God" argument doesn't hold water with me. Again - I have *never* said "judge not" or "God is the only one who should judge" so please spare me your "hypocrite" accusations.

And...excuse me, but you did not "make a mistake." You are PLANNING on how to cheat on your wife, and you are looking for approval from us for doing it. Why are you trying to make it sound like those 10 years of being faithful are SO special? Being faithful is what's EXPECTED of you when you get married! It's NOT like you did something so wonderful - you simply did what you PROMISED to do.

You're a prick and all your excuses and yor finger-pointing at others won't change that.

- Response by justpassingthru, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Financial / Banking

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Based on your update, you were clearing more interested in seeing if people judge you than in getting responses to your question. So to answer your question, I would say "Don't ask questions if you don't want people to judge you."

- Response by lmarks, A Life of the Party, Male, 29-35, Los Angeles, Who Cares?

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Hmm, havin your cake and eatin it too.... maybe you could make the 2 of them bid on you

- Response by wallvis, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 66 or older, Retired

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You have take risks in life to get wwhat you really want...it sounds like you want to play things safe. If you play things safe you may not get what you want, if you take a risk you may also not get wwhat you want. Do what is RIGHT and what you SHOULD do by your own standards.

- Response by lasirenamorena, A Career Woman, Female, 36-45, Executive

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Grass is not greener on the other side. It's the same grass.
Sounds like you're going to break your wifes heart no matter what road you take.
If you have a good marriage, and a good wife, at least leave her some dignity and tell her the truth. If you try to decieve her, she will most likely find out anyway. People can be obvious when they are lying and decieving. Telling the truth is easier on everyone.


- Response by tattoolady1, A Creative, Female, 29-35

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Many times we leave looking for the greener grass on the other side, and when we get there, we find out it was really Astro-turf. When you meet a person and begin dating them, what you are really dating is who they would like you to think they are. After some time, the real deal pops out of the box. You say there is nothing wrong with your marriage, but obviously something is or you wouldn't want to leave it. You sound like you're bored and discontented for some reason, and it probably lies within yourself, not your wife. We are responsible for our own happiness - there is no person on God's green earth that can make us happy if we are not already happy and secure within. And by the way, I've met people who have left their spouses for someone who they thought would be better, and are miserable and wish they'd never left.

- Response by experience101, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Who Cares?

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You play the game, you pay the entrance fee, bro: if you want to play, you should cross the Rubicon and tell your wife you want to play. She will find someone else, and you will be stuck with your winnings or losses.

- Response by electragold21, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, New York, Teaching

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Take a step back and ask yourself how you would feel if your wife planned on doing this to you??? You need to decide whether you want to stay married or have a relationship with the other woman. It sounds like your wife will be hurt when you tell her you want a divorce so why disrespect and humiliate her further by sleeping with this woman before you divorce? If you do things the right way maybe things will work out the way you want them to, but if you disrespect your wife in the process karma will come back to bite you in the butt.

- Response by cocoacurevelous, A Hip Hop Girl, Female, 46-55, Administrative

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The pastures may be greener, but it still needs to be watered and mowed.

And this is not fair to your wife. You should tell her your plans so she can divorce you and find someone who will honor and respect her. Put yourself in her shoes and think of how you'd feel if she did this to you...not a fuzzy warm feeling, is it?

- Response by seductivepisces9, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Who Cares?

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Sorry Bud, but this is the case where the saying "You can't have your cake and eat it too" applys. There is no way of having a relationship with this woman without hurting your wife in the process. You could end up with neither a relationship or a marriage.

- Response by MaryAnne, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Regina, Managerial

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you don't leave a good marriage. with a good marriage there is no greener pastures. if you seem to think so you are the biggset idiot this side of the ocean.

- Response by arkwolf, A Couch Potato, Male, 46-55, Who Cares?

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Greener pastures? No such thing because no matter where you go its still just grass.

- Response by boggob, A Guy Critical, Male, 29-35, Political / Government

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What makes you think you won't end up feeling the same way about the new woman? (Because you will) No one's perfect, and you already have something great... don't ruin it.

- Response by mousepad, A Creative, Female, 26-28, Student

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Here is a different post for you. I'm in the exact same position as you are. Yep, female client in my office. Yep, want her bad, and yes I'm married.

Welcome bud!! Maybe we should go get a beer together!

- Response by A Life of the Party, Male, 46-55, Science / Engineering

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You've got yo be kidding me right? So there is nothing really wrong with your marriage except for the fact that you are selfish and have no regard for your wife and/or her feelings. Great! Let's just say the grass is not always greener on the other side. Also, why not man up! If you want more, and no longer want your wife then get a divorce. There are no trial affairs. Either leave or work on your marriage, but don't destroy others just because you want to give into your selfish desires.

- Response by kdtxchic30, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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Take two steps back and re-read what you just wrote. I am really trying to be non-judgemental here.

Did you or did you not promise to "love honor and cherish" the woman you are currently married to? Where is your integrity? Is your word/vow not to be trusted?
If you do not love your legal wife enough to give her 100% then at least let her out of the farce you are making of your marriage vows...she deserves better.

What type of man do you wish to be remembered as...a man of his word...a man of integrity...an honest man?

Patresi wrote a very good answer for you about trying to "spice up" your marriage because in the end YOU will have nothing.

- Response by A Married Girl, Female, 56-65, Artist / Musician / Writer

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have your cake and eat it too?
haha i am guilty. tell your wife you feel uncomfortable and would like a break. not a divorce or separation. but you will need to tell her if you decide to come back and have failed with the other woman. it will eat you up inside if you arent honest about what you did while "on break"

- Response by undercoverpenislover, A Hippie Chick, Female, 22-25, Chicago, Who Cares?

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I agree with Lasir. You are looking for adventure, go for it. Why do you ask and think much. Just leave your life and go with the other girl. If you feel like looking out then there is something wrong with your marriage, the least is it doesn't fulfill your need for an adventure. Life is short, jump, move, run do whatever makes your heart happy.
The only thing is don't play it behind your wife back. Tell her my heart needs some fireworks and I am going for it.

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Other Profession

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Sometimes people are emotionally defective - And you are one of those people. Your partner has been fair and kind to you for years and in return you are being totally insincere with her and wasting what could be years of her life until the right exit option for you becomes available?

Many budhists believe in a type of karma where how a person chooses to act or the decisions they make are like walking in a meadow. If you keep walking on the same ground it eventually makes a path and then it becomes so much easier to walk on the path and that becomes where you naturally travel every time. I think you are thinking that however horribly you treat your wife that if you leave her behind that none of this evil you have done will contaminate your next relationship - But I think this version of karma is probably right. You will probably find it difficult not to keep reaping the benefits associated with not caring about hurting the people around you and there will be consequences in your relationships.

I think you should do the right thing, set your wife free and start treating people with the respect and compassion they have earned. Why? Because that is how you would want to be treated by other people and the game of life is better when everyone plays this way.

- Response by bailarenfuego, A Guy Critical, Male, 46-55, Technical

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You don't deserve your wife. Plain and simple. I feel bad for her because she has a very weak and sneaky husband who lacks loyalty to her. She probably thinks she has a great marriage and meanwhile you are thinking about leaving her for someone else, but ONLY if that lady is willing to have an affair with you (and if she is she isn't a lady, but a tramp). Otherwise you would rather stay, because someone is better than no one, right? Sound like your wife is your "back up plan" in case nothing beter comes along.

If you want to date, then have the backbone to divorce first. Don't start a new relationship before ending your current one. You are PLANNING on cheating. You took vows when you married your wife. Does that mean nothing to you? You are disrespecting your wife and your marriage by even asking this question.

And what makes you think your lady client would want to help you cheat? Have you no respect for her either?

You are a poor excuse for a husband and I am glad I am not your wife. I really feel bad for her. Do her a favor and divorce her. She will likely find someone better and more loyal than you. How would you feel if SHE was thinking about trading up?

- Response by silver75, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Stockholm, Other Profession

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If you believe anything that you've wrote, then take $50,000 out of your savings and take it to a gambling casino, playing every dollar on any game. On the upside, you could triple your money but you have to RISK your financial future.

Why not ask your wife if you could take a marital break to pursue your flight of fancy. Let's see what she would say about your "trial relationship" while you see if there's something better on the other side. Do you think that she will wait for you?

So, I'm not sure what you're asking. Do you want to convince yourself to have an affair or have an open relationship? No woman would want to be tested out on either side.

There's another biblical quote that missed. "Thou shalt not commit adultery."

- Response by rhunt0210, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 46-55, Other Profession

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buddy you are so getting slammed here.
i have two words for you.

pork bellies.
you don't get it do you?
i don't either.


- Response by stevieann, A Sweet Sarah, Female, 46-55, Who Cares?

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so you want a secured investment? i see; better take out a policy with LLoyds of London, guaranteeing if the greener pasture idea, is a long shot and you lose,,,your wife will take you back, without a hitch,,notta unkind word..puhleeze your wife deserves better. jump the fence and find out how it is and let us know if we should take the gamble.

- Response by dreamspinner, A Thinker, Female, Who Cares?, Chicago

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Remember that film, "An Unmarried Woman"? Similar story. Guys leaves his wife and kid for a young chick. Relationship doesn't work out, but wife won't take hubby back. Anyway, my candid advice: Take a taste of what is "out there", ie, have an affair. You'll either love the thrill, however brief, or you may miss the security of family life. But I'd think long and hard before leaving you spouse. Once you officially leave, you can't come back to the roost. Good luck.

- Response by betterbird, A Creative, Male, 46-55, San Francisco, Administrative

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Don't do it pal, you have it good now it sounds like. The grass is alway greener over the septic tank, but then you end up in shit. Think long and hard before you betray your wife's love and trust.

- Response by mysticdream44, A Sweet Sarah, Female, 56-65, Who Cares?

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you= "Nothing is wrong with my marriage" If there is nothing wrong with your marriage then why the heck would you consider leaving your girl for another?? I am guessing you are not happy with your wife, thats why you want something else. Why would you want to leave your wife if your marriage is good?? Doesnt make sense buddy.. You dont know what you got til its gone. If your not happy then leave, but dont say your marrage is good then ask about leaving your girl for another... think about it..

- Response by A Career Man, Male, 29-35, Toronto

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Ok . so really your want your cake and eat it to.Open relationship with the who eva and when all not well with ne u have the other. mmmmmm
So how about the wife will u allow her the same?? She have someone else and u 2 on the off days .. mmmmm

Face it buddy it wont work comfortably for either of u . Why on earth would u want to wreck what u say is a good marraiage just for sex with someone else. Talk to your wife and get some zing into your relationship. It does take to to make it work .

- Response by berri, A Career Woman, Female, 46-55, New South Wales, Who Cares?

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Been in your shoes, fell in love with my client and left a long term marriage for him. I've been successfully married to him for 10 years but not without a price. I know I'll meet my maker one day and I'll be judged for that decision. My ex-husband, a police officer at the time, fell apart, nearly drank himself to death, was fired from the department, lost our family home and was even homeless for a period of time. My oldest took him in and nearly wrecked her own marriage in the process. Now he might have done these things regardless of my decision but I'll never know. I can live with what passed between me and my ex (so much more to that story) but the pain the kids went through haunts me. If you were my brother I'd tell you to have a descrete affair and get it out of your system. Have you considered the financial ramifications of divorce? If you're on the later end of the age range in your profile you don't have a lot of time to recoup if you have to give up 50% of your retirement savings!

- Response by Female, 56-65, Financial / Banking

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Governor Sanford is that you???? I say if you're not satisfied then leave and go for the life you want. However I think hedging your bets and keeping your wife as a safety net or fall back is cowardly....actually it's pathetic. Having and affair is one thing...it happens. Leaving a marriage is another...but doing what you're doing....is actually I don't know that there's a word for it. Take responsibilty for your actions. Also who's to say your wife isn't screwing her personal trainer or a coworker of hers or the gardener. If she's smart that's exactly what she's doing.

- Response by baybreeze69, A Career Woman, Female, 29-35, Who Cares?

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Clearly, you've posed this question to test the level of hypocrisy and double standard we give to wives vrs. husbands who leave a marriage when bored.

- Response by periwinkle, A Career Woman, Female, 56-65, Other Profession

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Yes one mistake does take away years of good, what the hell, so if lived a great holy life for 30 years living and providing for other people and then you screw them all over you think that's okay, that one action erases any good you did.

- Response by akinaa, A Hippie Chick, Female, 22-25

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The 10 years of loyalty count for nothing if you ditch your wife and children in favor of some new stuff.

What do you think your initial honeymoon period is going to be like with the strange? Clearly, you have very limited experience with women.

- Response by ibskutch, A Rebel, Male, 46-55

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Two things:

1.)Did you or did you not make a VOW to be married to your wife FOR LIFE?

2.)For all the idiots who just LOVE to quote "Judge not lest ye be judged", NO ONE seems to read that in context. the entire command is: " Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." Matthew 7:1

THIS MEANS there is a STANDARD that applies to EVERYONE. I am faithful in my marriage and am fine being judged by the same standard I expect others to uphold.

- Response by 1loohoo, A Thinker, Female, 36-45

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I know you have gotten a lot of responses, but I hope you take the time to read mine.

I think that you're right in not leaving your wife without knowing who you are leaving her for. Look before you leap.

But in that vein of thought, there are several things you should consider before risking a divorce. (Apart from the consequences of a divorce: alimony payments, child support, not seeing your kids as much, legal fees, heartache, having to move, etc)

What I am talking about is: you are telling me that your marriage is good, from which I assume that you feel loved, respected, and trusted within the marriage. These feelings have been there, building up, for more than 10 years. You've invested more than 10 years of your life into this woman and this family.

When you start a new relationship, it starts from scratch. Usually, there is an initial infatuation lasting about 3 months (but sometimes as long as 2 years) during which your new partner can do no wrong, arguments are quickly forgiven, faults are ignored, and you don't mind going out of your way to do stuff for her. This is the "honeymoon" phase of the relationship. During this phase you WILL feel like you love this new woman more than your wife.

The thing to remember is, honeymoons pass. And once they do, just as you had to do with your wife, you need to make the choice to keep at the relationship, keep putting work in, keep investing time and effort, keep compromising through arguments, and keep remembering her birthday, and keep showing her in lots of little ways you still care. it will turn into hard work all over again. And this time, you'll have an ex-wife and children and all THOSE issues to argue about, in addition to the usual money, sex, and whose turn is it to take out the trash arguments.

My point is. you've invested ten years working through these problems with one woman, getting to know her, building long term trust and good will and years and years of lovely memories. I personally wouldn't throw that away and start all over again unless there was something terribly wrong and unfixable with my marriage.

Meaning, the grass may be greener, but think about all that lawn mowing you'll need to do.


- Response by js800, A Thinker, Female, 26-28, Chicago, Student

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You are going to bring God into a question about leaving your wife but only if you are sure its going to work out. Nice!!

- Response by tnix123, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 36-45, New York, Managerial

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You are kidding right, just to see how many who spout "judge not" will actually judge you? Yeah....you are, I can tell!

- Response by mistyjean, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Self-Employed

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If these responses don't tell you the truth your not going to get any better advise.

- Response by Ghostrider8t0, A Guy Critical, Male, Who Cares?, Technical

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What are you thinking - you have a good marriage already and want more??? DO you know how many ppl have bad marriages and stick them out...you sound so incredibly selfish!

- Response by rory76, A Hippie Chick, Female, 36-45, Student

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You want more. How selfish. Trial relationship? Either your wife is worth every bad moment in your life or this lady friend is worth the risk. You can't "try" things in life.

I'll pray for you and your poor wife.


- Response by mlcoast2, A Sweet Sarah, Female, 22-25

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Well, all I can say is - if you spotted your wife here asking if she should have a trial relationship with a certain gentleman she knows...just to make sure it would work out...before leaving you, what would you advise her to do?


- Response by uniquelyme2, A Creative, Female, 46-55, Artist / Musician / Writer

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file for divorce.

- Response by ready4sumfun, A Creative, Female, 29-35, Who Cares?

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