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My boyfriend wants a few nights a week to himself...am I being irrational?
Dating / 11:40 AM - Tuesday July 07, 2009

My boyfriend wants a few nights a week to himself...am I being irrational?

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year. We have been more than awesome. He is the sweetest man I have ever met in my life. We laugh all the time, which is something I value. To me, he's my absolute soul-mate and best friend(which I didn't think existed before him). I know he feels we are wonderful for each other, too. He's 26 and I'm 24.

He lives an hour away from me. He recently bought his own place right where he grew up and in a urban, fun place. I am from a suburban town and never thought I could live somewhere urban, but it's also right by the beaches (which I grew up at in my town).

Anyway, because of the distance, we have always slept over each other's places (I still live at home)...since DAY 1. It evolved to me being at his place approx 95% of the time (even when he's not). He has always suggested that I do that, or if he hasn't suggested that I stay when he's not home...he's always said he doesn't mind. I'm close with his sister and hang out with her often, too.

The past 2 days he was cranky and short with me. SO not like him. He finally admitted that he just wants a night or two to himself every week. It kills me because I ask him EVERY single time I leave work if he wants me to come over or go "home" (aka my parents house). He always says come over and I always tell him, "Just tell me no if you want to just hang by yourself." SO, I've given him more than enough chances (daily) to tell me not to come over.

He claims he doesn't want to upset me and say "no." He also tells me that me asking daily whether or not I should come over just proves that I don't understand that he needs a day or two to himself a week.

Now, he's a firefighter and works 24 hour shifts. So, I get plenty of my own alone time, which I think I forget. However, if he works 2-3 nights a week (the days and times fluctuate like crazy and it's impossible to keep up with his schedule) and plays basketball and volleyball with the boys on 2 separate nights...that doesn't leave me much time to be around...

I have gone to his volleyball game 1x, but I am often just "home" (aka at his place) and see him when he gets back.

So, we decided that I will not ask him if he wants me to come over everyday (I work 30 mins away from him so it influences the direction or "home" I go to after work...I don't want to go to my parents and then him want to hang out but be an hour away and 7pm).

Now, I'm just supposed to wait to see if he wants me to come over and HE will be the one to ask me. I proposed this to him and he said "OK," but now I feel like I'm waiting on his decisions. He said he'd come to my parents once in awhile (but he can't sleep well there).

So, I've gone from living w/my bf thinking there was no problem, to now waiting everyday to see if he wants me to come over.

Again, I go back to living out of a bag in my car (even though he doesn't mind some of my clothes here--which they are).

I was very upset because I don't do well with change (I am a very structured and routined person...but I can't be with his schedule). He kept telling me he hates to see me upset, which is why he held this all in. He wants me to know he is still so in love with me (and I know he is)...

Was I being ridiculous for being there so much? I was never given a signal or told not to be when I asked...Also, is there a better way to figure out when we'll see each other then me waiting to hear if he wants me over or not? He calls me all the time and I just feel like I'll be hanging at the edge of his words to see if he's going to say, "come over tonight."

Am I giving him too much power in this (besides my need to be less dependent on him?)

Thanks for reading!

Update: July 10, 2009.
I now have my own apartment...moving in Aug 1! I'm excited!! Thanks everyone. You're right...I needed to see it in writing! And my man IS wonderful :-)

Update: July 07, 2009.
I really appreciate everyone's responses. I just wanted to clarify something that I did leave out. I have my master's. I am a speech therapist a spec. ed preschool for children with autism. This is really MY life. I admit 100% that in the past 7 months (somewhere along in this relationship), I've lost part of me (the woman who went to Nicaragua 3x and built houses for weeks on end for people in poverty, the woman who set up fundraisers at reception halls bringing in close to $10,000 to help victims of Katrina, the girl who WORKED OUT and was in the best shape of her life, etc...) Trust me, I do know what drive and ambition are. I have my master's. I want to get my Ph.D. once I can better afford it. I've done all of the above and then some (and very recently). I LOVE the children I work and the job I get to do each day. I'm home sick, unfortunately, and have called 3 co-workers to check on some of "my kids." I am with you on that I have become WAAAAAAAAY too dependent on my bf. You are all RIGHT on that. I just wanted to better explain who I am and the ambition I still have (even though I've lost a little). I think you have all given me a reality check and I appreciate that. You put a jump into my step again. I needed that. I have already e-mailed 5 people and called on broker to set up appointments to rent my own place. It might be a "waste" of money in terms of credit. However, in terms of my own LIFE it is needed at this point. Thanks everyone :-)

- Asked by A Thinker, Female, 26-28, Teaching

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I think when you buy a home, you hit a new level of maturity. I know I did. In the early months, I did enjoy being there alone kinda like "my own little piece of America".
You on the other hand live at home with Parents. That's kinda not.. well not cool at 24 (unless its normal part of your culture). He can't come there and sleep--that's awfully uncomfortable. So think of this; He just made a big leap in Maturity and Responsibility and you are still at Home with Parents. There's a maturity 'gap' between you now that may be growing wider fast and making him look at things different. He, the grown man firefighter with his own friends and own place. You, the girl that still lives home and doesn't seem to have friends outside of his sister. If you are at his house 95% of the time, I'm assuming you never go and hang out with your own friends without him unless its his sister, which doesn't really count?? You are at his home waiting on him to come home...

Do you see where I'm going with this--Your whole life is wrapped up in him and he's probably trying to get a little of that pressure off of himself, some breathing room. (No, I don't mean you pressure him but it puts someone on the spot if they have to answer daily "do you want me to come there"). He probably wants to see more independence of you. He may be thinking you want to move from your Parents to his House and well, that's not really appealing. It doesn't show much uhm...initiative or self-reliance, which is important.

Are you dependent on your Parents financially? If not, why haven't you moved out? Have you lived there all the time you've dated him? Do you have plans to move out soon to your own place? Have you ever lived alone with no roommates or anything? (I mean beyond College).

Yeah, I think this is about much more than he bought a house and want a couple nights alone. Think about what you bring to the table and see if you can't bring a bit more. Good luck!

- Response by thottienc, A Career Woman, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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I think the problem here is thast you live at home. No offense, but when you pay a mortgage and work full time sometimes you need a day or two to yourself.

- Response by clueless37, An Alternative Girl, Female, 36-45, Celebrity

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Give the guy some space. Let him call you when he wants to see you.

- Response by busyb704, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Other Profession

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From the way your acting I cant say I blame him. First of all it appears that you need to get a life OUTSIDE your man, from your post you say that your at his house even when he isn't, You shouldn't, when he leaves you should leave too, dont you have other things to do? You choose to live out of things in your car instead of setting boundaries with him and yourself, there is no damn way I would ever spend the night at my mans house EVERY night and I dont live with him, if I have to take my clothes when I go, Im not staying there nightly. He said he never told yoou no b/c he didnt want you to get upset. Looks like he is right, he spoke his mind and said that he needs some alone time and you get mad.
What you need to do is start going home and sleeping in your bed by yourself sometime, I would only spend the night maybe 2 times a week, I would stay there more once we lived together and/or got married. Im not a sure bet, the proverbial constant booty call, but then again I have a life and a career.
Good luck

- Response by misssparkle, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Atlanta, Administrative

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It's hard sometimes to realize how much alone time he gets. I know that first hand. When he's not at work, he feels obligated to spend time with you and doesn't make time for himself. Doing that after so long will make him forget or lose touch with the things he really enjoys doing. He needs at least one night to himself to do the things he enjoys. Of course he still loves you and still wants to be with you. It's definitely nothing to be taken personally.

- Response by boudoirnovelties, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Consulting

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I think you just wanted to see it in writing how dependent you had become... it's good to have your independence back!! Don't worry... I think it will work out between you and your b/f... If not, you have the determination to look for someone else, someone whose worthy of you!

- Response by mperez7806, A Married Girl, Female, 29-35, Administrative

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I don't want to sound harsh but you need a life and hobbies of your onw your bf is just a part of your life not the center of it and you only notice all the things he's doing because you're doing nothing join a club hang with some friends don't be so available when you guys spend time together it will be great but not too much and when he need he's space you won't feel left out because your day will be fill and you will need space also

- Response by freespirited138, A Career Woman, Female, 22-25, Student

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I don't want to sound harsh but you need a life and hobbies of your onw your bf is just a part of your life not the center of it and you only notice all the things he's doing because you're doing nothing join a club hang with some friends don't be so available when you guys spend time together it will be great but not too much and when he need he's space you won't feel left out because your day will be fill and you will need space also

- Response by freespirited138, A Career Woman, Female, 22-25, Student

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Hey,

Just reading this and wondering how things went for you. I just read your question, a year later and read all of the harsh responses. I just wanted to say that learning to take space is difficult. My boyfriend and I both wanted/didn't want space. Finally we agreed to a set schedule, which we stuck to religiously for a few months. We took three nights a week to ourselves (after "basically living together" for 2 years) - always in his space, though for the first year I had my own house (albeit 8 hours from his) - we didn't meet online, fyi, we met at a mutual friend's wedding in Los Angeles while I was going to school in Berkeley. Anyhow, setting the schedule and keeping it really made it much easier.. there was no waiting around to see what the other person was doing, no expectations to live up to (or not, as the fear may be). Now we have no problem taking space. I tell him when I need to spend the night by myself and he does the same.. no hard feelings! It's good. I actually came on the internet to see if other people found a desire to have 2-3 nights to themselves a week.

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 29-35

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Hey,

Just reading this and wondering how things went for you. I just read your question, a year later and read all of the harsh responses. I just wanted to say that learning to take space is difficult. My boyfriend and I both wanted/didn't want space. Finally we agreed to a set schedule, which we stuck to religiously for a few months. We took three nights a week to ourselves (after "basically living together" for 2 years) - always in his space, though for the first year I had my own house (albeit 8 hours from his) - we didn't meet online, fyi, we met at a mutual friend's wedding in Los Angeles while I was going to school in Berkeley. Anyhow, setting the schedule and keeping it really made it much easier.. there was no waiting around to see what the other person was doing, no expectations to live up to (or not, as the fear may be). Now we have no problem taking space. I tell him when I need to spend the night by myself and he does the same.. no hard feelings! It's good. I actually came on the internet to see if other people found a desire to have 2-3 nights to themselves a week.

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 29-35

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It is stupid and he is creepy. Forget all the advice on the internet from counselors, because they'll tell you only what they think you want to hear. I think that you need to get this guy to commit to you immediately or tell him to jump in a lake. Give him an inch and he will take a mile. So what if he is a fire fighter, he is only human and is using you for sex.

- Response by dinosaujrs, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Seattle, Veterinary

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