My boyfriend wants a few nights a week to himself...am I being irrational?
My boyfriend and I have been together for a year. We have been more than awesome. He is the sweetest man I have ever met in my life. We laugh all the time, which is something I value. To me, he's my absolute soul-mate and best friend(which I didn't think existed before him). I know he feels we are wonderful for each other, too. He's 26 and I'm 24.
He lives an hour away from me. He recently bought his own place right where he grew up and in a urban, fun place. I am from a suburban town and never thought I could live somewhere urban, but it's also right by the beaches (which I grew up at in my town).
Anyway, because of the distance, we have always slept over each other's places (I still live at home)...since DAY 1. It evolved to me being at his place approx 95% of the time (even when he's not). He has always suggested that I do that, or if he hasn't suggested that I stay when he's not home...he's always said he doesn't mind. I'm close with his sister and hang out with her often, too.
The past 2 days he was cranky and short with me. SO not like him. He finally admitted that he just wants a night or two to himself every week. It kills me because I ask him EVERY single time I leave work if he wants me to come over or go "home" (aka my parents house). He always says come over and I always tell him, "Just tell me no if you want to just hang by yourself." SO, I've given him more than enough chances (daily) to tell me not to come over.
He claims he doesn't want to upset me and say "no." He also tells me that me asking daily whether or not I should come over just proves that I don't understand that he needs a day or two to himself a week.
Now, he's a firefighter and works 24 hour shifts. So, I get plenty of my own alone time, which I think I forget. However, if he works 2-3 nights a week (the days and times fluctuate like crazy and it's impossible to keep up with his schedule) and plays basketball and volleyball with the boys on 2 separate nights...that doesn't leave me much time to be around...
I have gone to his volleyball game 1x, but I am often just "home" (aka at his place) and see him when he gets back.
So, we decided that I will not ask him if he wants me to come over everyday (I work 30 mins away from him so it influences the direction or "home" I go to after work...I don't want to go to my parents and then him want to hang out but be an hour away and 7pm).
Now, I'm just supposed to wait to see if he wants me to come over and HE will be the one to ask me. I proposed this to him and he said "OK," but now I feel like I'm waiting on his decisions. He said he'd come to my parents once in awhile (but he can't sleep well there).
So, I've gone from living w/my bf thinking there was no problem, to now waiting everyday to see if he wants me to come over.
Again, I go back to living out of a bag in my car (even though he doesn't mind some of my clothes here--which they are).
I was very upset because I don't do well with change (I am a very structured and routined person...but I can't be with his schedule). He kept telling me he hates to see me upset, which is why he held this all in. He wants me to know he is still so in love with me (and I know he is)...
Was I being ridiculous for being there so much? I was never given a signal or told not to be when I asked...Also, is there a better way to figure out when we'll see each other then me waiting to hear if he wants me over or not? He calls me all the time and I just feel like I'll be hanging at the edge of his words to see if he's going to say, "come over tonight."
Am I giving him too much power in this (besides my need to be less dependent on him?)
Thanks for reading!
Update: July 10, 2009.
I now have my own apartment...moving in Aug 1! I'm excited!! Thanks everyone. You're right...I needed to see it in writing! And my man IS wonderful :-)
Update: July 07, 2009.
I really appreciate everyone's responses. I just wanted to clarify something that I did leave out.
I have my master's. I am a speech therapist a spec. ed preschool for children with autism. This is really MY life.
I admit 100% that in the past 7 months (somewhere along in this relationship), I've lost part of me (the woman who went to Nicaragua 3x and built houses for weeks on end for people in poverty, the woman who set up fundraisers at reception halls bringing in close to $10,000 to help victims of Katrina, the girl who WORKED OUT and was in the best shape of her life, etc...)
Trust me, I do know what drive and ambition are. I have my master's. I want to get my Ph.D. once I can better afford it. I've done all of the above and then some (and very recently). I LOVE the children I work and the job I get to do each day. I'm home sick, unfortunately, and have called 3 co-workers to check on some of "my kids."
I am with you on that I have become WAAAAAAAAY too dependent on my bf. You are all RIGHT on that. I just wanted to better explain who I am and the ambition I still have (even though I've lost a little). I think you have all given me a reality check and I appreciate that. You put a jump into my step again. I needed that.
I have already e-mailed 5 people and called on broker to set up appointments to rent my own place. It might be a "waste" of money in terms of credit. However, in terms of my own LIFE it is needed at this point.
Thanks everyone :-)
- Asked by A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Teaching