I feel like my best friend doesn't want me around anymore.
My best friend and I have been friends for about 10 years, and extremely close for about 5. We've been through a lot together but we've always been able to talk about anything that upsets us, whether its about each other or other people, or just whatever is going on in our lives. I don't know what I would do without her, she's given me strength and supported me through a lot of really hard times.
About a year ago she started smoking pot regularly. It started out as just a fairly occasional thing, once a week or so. Then, about 6 months ago she reconnected with a good male friend that we went to high school with (I knew him but wasn't really friends with him back then). He's a major pothead and now they smoke daily. He's over at her house all the time, and she's basically in love with him. He's a good guy and I have no problem with him at all, but he doesn't seem to love her the way she loves him.
Since she started hanging out with this guy a lot, our hanging out has gradually dropped. If I'm over there I'll smoke with them, and I enjoy it, but its not something I want to do daily, although I've never protested to the amount that she smokes. Until a few weeks ago I saw her about once or twice a week, which was fine, although I was starting to notice that it seemed like I was always the one calling her.
Then two weeks ago her father, who had cancer, took a drastic turn for the worse. I've seen her twice since then, and again only because I called her. He died early last week, and I've tried so hard to be a good friend to her. I've called her pretty much every day to make sure she doesn't need anything, and asked her if she needed a friend to talk to. Nearly every time I've called her, there were other people over (usually the guy I mentioned before), so it's not like she just wants to be alone. But she has only once asked me over since he died, and I really got the impression that she only did it because she could tell I felt left out. I couldn't even really talk to her because there were so many other people around.
The funeral was yesterday and I couldn't go, even though I really really wanted to. I had to work, and didn't know about the funeral until two days before. I asked everyone I could to cover my shift but no one was available to do it. I felt horrible and apologized profusely, and then called her last night when I got off work to check on her and make sure she was okay -- she didn't answer. I saw her online later and asked if she was okay and if she needed anything, and she said she was doing pretty well. As always, there were a bunch of people over there, and as always she didn't invite me. I told her that I was off work both today and tomorrow and to call me if she wanted to hang out, and she said she would.
It's almost 4 now and I haven't heard from her, but the guy I talked about earlier is over there according to his facebook status. I should mention that all of the people that have been over there in a constant rotation are people that I get along well with, and a few of whom I would consider to be friends. I've always gotten kind of a vibe from "the guy" that he was sort of indifferent to me, bordering on maybe not liking me so much, but my friend swears he likes me but just doesn't know me that well.
I feel so distant from her now and it really upsets me. I'm trying to keep my mouth shut because I don't want to bother her with this on top of everything else she's going through right now, which I know has to be hell. But she won't talk to me about it, or anything else, and I really feel like she just doesn't want me around. I don't know why and it's really bothering me, but I don't feel like I can say anything because I'm worried she'll just label me as being selfish for being concerned about my feelings, without even listening to what I have to say. Every time that I talk to her and she has half a dozen people over there and doesn't invite me I feel like crying.
I've decided not to call her for a few days and give her her space. She knows my number, she knows when I'm off work, and she knows that she can call me any hour of the day if she needs someone to be there for her. But more and more I feel like if I put it in her hands, I'll never talk to her again. I would really like to know what's going on, but I'm afraid to ask her . . . especially when other people are around and she can't talk freely and honestly, and there are ALWAYS other people around.
I just want my friend back. What do I do?
- Asked by A Sweet Sarah, Female, 29-35, Who Cares?