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How do you deal with a spouse who won't listen to you?
Married Life / 11:03 AM - Wednesday June 24, 2009

How do you deal with a spouse who won't listen to you?

I'm not talking physical abuse but I'm talking about a husband who just doesn't understand you?

I am having a very difficult time communicating with my husband. He doesn't seem to understand where I'm coming from or even want to listen to me. Every discussion turns into an argument. I can't take it anymore.

He refuses to go to marriage counseling. I am in counseling myself to learn how to cope with being in this marriage. It's stressing me out! And we have a 9 month old and I am her primary caretaker. He doesn't really help me out with her so it's just me.

I am just tired of being sick and tired. We haven't even celebrated our one year wedding anniversary yet and already, I'm tired.

How do you deal with a husband who has hurt you? Or who won't listen to you?

- Asked by Female, 36-45

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This probably isn't going to be helpful for you, but personally, I wouldn't have married & reproduced with someone like that. And I don't believe he magically changed after the wedding - he was probably always like that.

- Response by justpassingthru, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Financial / Banking

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I believe your problem is not knowing how to communicate with him...it sounds like your on one level and he is on another....

For instance....way way way back when my wife and I had a problem and it was with communicating....she new what she wanted to say and I didn't have a problem with that....it was the tone that she used.....I wouldn't augue because of what she said but because of the tone she said it in....it would just piss me off....but over the years we have both changed and now it's fine....try communicating in a different way....

- Response by lab01, A Father Figure, Male, 46-55, St.Louis, Other Profession

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having gone through similar times, I'd have to say, you have to decide if YOU are WILLING to live like this for duration of THIS marriage ...my husband did, upon mention of divorce, go to counseling w/me ...he wasn't forthcoming w/info., he may as well not have been there initially but he did make the effort to go w/me for 6 sessions ...he did finally "Get It" and he tells me that the driving force for him was OUR LITTLE FAMILY, we have 2 daughters (now 23 & 15) ...sounds to me like your husband isn't nearly as "in love" or "driven" by your little family, you may have to RE-EVALUATE this marriage ...marriage is a 2 person, husband/wife, partnership where ideally both WORK TOGETHER toward same goal ...perhaps his ethnicity could be a factor in how he sees you in wife role as in how he is treating you ...don't blame him or anyone else should YOU DECIDE that you want to stay in this marriage -

Remember you NOW have an innocent child/baby to keep safe as well as to have her in a loving, non-violent environment ...your young daughter should NOT see abuse as acceptable, no matter what type of abuse goes on within your marriage -

I sincerely wish you well ...blessed be -

- Response by knowledgeispower, A Trendsetter, Female, 46-55, Self-Employed

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Unfortunately it sounds like he doesn't really care about the relationship. Relationships are only successful if both parties invest equal time into them. What is his reason for not wanting to attend counseling with you? Either he doesn't beleive that there is a proublem or he just doesn't care. Either the way you need to know. Does he want to contribute to the marriage or not? You need to find this out, so that you and your child can move forward.

Best of Luck!

- Response by raiders1, A Career Man, Male, 56-65, San Francisco, Transportation

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Sorry to hear this. Sounds like he doesn't want to be with you and doesn't want to be responsible for his child. If he refuses to go to counceling, that mean's he is refusing to even try to do things differently.

Did you guys get married because you were going to have a child? If so, he may feel trapped. I don't think he's going to listen to you or anyone else. Hopefully, he will listen to the Divorce Judge who will tell him how much support money he will be giving you. Sorry, but that seems the only way to salvage YOUR sanity and that of your daughters.

- Response by bob49, A Rebel, Male, 56-65, Seattle, Transportation

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Some men are like that, and very often, their wives end up leaving them. The men don't know why, even though she has told him for years what is wrong. It is something in what they say about all men being a little autistic...
He has married you and given you a child, and now he imagines that his job is over.
The only advice I can give you is to keep trying, he is not mean is he? He just does not seem able to hear you. Talk to him, keep calm, and if he gets angry, tell him that you will continue the conversation later when he has cooled down.
It must be very hard to get a child, its not something one hears a lot about, but I just see people with kids, and they all look so tired and worn out. Two people can deal with it a lot better than one, and when he decided to become a father, he should have considered the responsibility that comes with it.

- Response by klaxometro, An Alternative Girl, Female, 29-35, Who Cares?

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Communication is great and all but this sounds like a general relationship stagnation problem. You need to ask yourself if you still have attraction for one another. If not then it's probably because you stopped doing the things you did and behaving the way you did at first when things were passionate.

If you aren't going out a couple times per wk and taking fun trips, etc. then your relationship will suffer. Having a kid is not an excuse to stop doing these things either, on the contrary you have a responsibility to do them for the child so your marriage stays strong.

also forget counseling, it's as much a pseudo science as palm reading or tarot cards. Don't expect a man to participate in it any more than you would expect him to watch Oprah or read horoscopes.

- Response by clearspiral, A Guy Critical, Male, 29-35

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The ultimate problem most likely is that neither one of you are getting your needs met by the other person. This causes the man to "shut down" emotionally, and the woman to talk through the problems from every possible angle. But with him shutting down and you talking, it doesn't work. It's like trying to play a basketball game using a football.

I've got an experiment you and your husband can try that should really help your marriage. It's very easy if you want to give it a shot. Let me know if you're interested in hearing about it.

- Response by A Career Man, Male, 36-45, Portland

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Make your child the center of your life and eventually your husband will want to be involved. Make all the plans with the child and if he wants to spend time with her he has to cooperate with you.

- Response by bigdog52, A Father Figure, Male, 56-65, Oklahoma City, Science / Engineering

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