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DO I leave wife of 44 years for old flame of 45 years ago
Sex & Intimacy / 3:29 PM - Tuesday June 16, 2009

DO I leave wife of 44 years for old flame of 45 years ago

Eight months ago I started recieving emails from one of those locater sites that some one was looking for me from my old home town. At first I didn't answer it and just deleted it, but one day I decided to answer it. I had a pretty good idea who it was. and sure enough it was an old girl friend I had 45 years ago. She is a widow and has been for the last 3 years. We started emailing each other and we fell inlove over the inter net. It was solidified this May when I went home to visit relatives and made some time to visit her. It was love all over again. I really fell in love with her. I can't get her out of my mind. I am very much in love with her and not with my wife.

Now about my wife we have been together for 44 years and have had 4 children who are all gone. We haven't had relations in over two years. I just don't have any interest in her. She is not a very affectionate women. She wants too once in a while but I don't. She spends a lot of time with various functions and her lady friends. She's deep into church work. I'm not.

I want to give up everything and be with the love of my life. I don't know why I dumped her 45 years ago but she is still the most beautiful woman I know. I guess I should also tell you that my wife is over 200 pounds and has let herself go. When we married she was at 125. Even after 4 kids she was only 135. So she just doesn't care about herself.

My friend has a tie up about breaking up a marriage. I can't seem to convince her that she shouldn't feel that way. Even with that in her head she still loves me and wants me but won't be with me because of my spouse. I am going nuts trying to figure out how to solve this mess.

Help

Wanting in PA.

Update: June 18, 2009.
What do you all think this 44 year get together has been all peaches and cream. I stayed at first because of the kids. Now they are gone. Now she does her own thing while I sit at home doing house work. We have nothing in common and I don't want to find anything we have in common. And to the person who said she will get everything, I don't think so. We have a community property state and I have a good lawyer. She will only get half. That still leaves plenty for me to enjoy what time i have left on this earth. This marriage has not been good for the last 20 years. Don't tell me any of you would stick it out for that long. I wasn't looking for this when it came along, now that it has I want to enjoy what little time I may have left on this earth.

- Asked by Male, 66 or older

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The fact that she continued contact when she learned you were married shows she really doesn't care about your wife and family only herself. A wife letting herself go is a shame but it sounds like she doesn't have much of a marriage and maybe letting you go she will lose some dead weight. I think you should tell your wife all about the ex girlfriend and chances are she will help you pack your bags ....Cheaters instill lack of trust in partners and I say you and the ex gf deserve each other. Let your wife find someone who will love her. And of course hopefully she takes you to the cleaners . rosey

- Response by roseytalks, A Thinker, Female, Who Cares?, Tampa, Who Cares?

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Community Rating: Community Star

So you sit down and tell your wife of 44 years you are leaving her everything -- the house, all the pensions, savings, every piece of furniture, cars, boats, every single asset -- and you are filing for divorce.

Be prepared -- to have your kids pissed as shit at you, to never see your grandkids, and for your 'old flame' to no longer be interested.

Hope that works out for you.

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Managerial

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I felt your pain until you started bringing up your wife's appearance. Maybe she has changed over the years but I think you are trying to rationalize a break up and putting it on her.
If you don't love her and want this other woman, get out of the marriage but don't make your wife the scapegoat. Buck up and take responsibility. If you hung with her for 44 years, obviously she is beautiful and should be treated with respect.

- Response by livestolaugh, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Managerial

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Well, you are still living with a fantasy. You haven't lived and learned and fought and made love to her, you just have your memories and believe me that is misleading.

Second, if she doesn't care if you are married, she will not care if the next guy is married.

If you have kids, they will hate you, your friends will support her and you are going to start over at 66+.................... ....................... .good luck you poor soul.

- Response by mallowcup, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Self-Employed

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Are you f&$^cking kidding me???!!!! What the hell are you thinking? Maybe you need to pay more attention to your wife and sit down with her and discuss things. She probably ran to food because you are ignoring her or not being a caring and sensitive husband... I base this on you even considering throwing such a long marriage away... I can't believe you. This is EXACTLY what gives men a bad, bad name...
REally... I cannot believe this... this has to be a joke...
Talk to your wife and be good to her and cherish her loyalty for sticking with YOU for that many years...
Damn dude! How blind are you?!!!

- Response by timeforanoverhaul, A Father Figure, Male, 36-45, Managerial

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Wedding vows are "till death do us part", not till "the old girlfriend shows up again". You do not leave your wife for someone else after 44 years.
IF you have to leave, your wife (who has been faithfully by your side, not cheating with some old guy that she knew), should get EVERYTHING you own, save for your clothes.
I am often a therapist to someone who leaves their wife/husband for their old love, only to realize a year later that their Old Girl/boy friend is NOT what they thought.
The grass is NOT greener on the other side of the fence, you just don't know that.

- Response by nursefromky, A Career Woman, Female, 46-55, Medical / Dental

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Its a strong combination of hormones and nostalgia that has floored you. I would take a long time to think about this before I left my wife if I were you. Consider what life would be like with a new girlfriend - what would happen to you friendships, your family? Do you really want to start something as painful and hard as a new relationship with someone you left in the past?
If your only problem with your wife is that she's fat, why don't you try to help her loose weight first?


- Response by klaxometro, An Alternative Girl, Female, 29-35, Who Cares?

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What you have with your old flame is a fantasy. You honestly don't know how much a person changes in that amount of time. You're not the same person, she's not the same person. You both probably over glamorized yourself to the other. You are probably imagining how your life would be different with this woman than with your wife. You probably thinks it's for the better. I understand that "what if's" but you married your wife for a reason. Do you remember the reasons?
You shouldn't be so concerned with her weight, people do gain weight as they age. She most likely is depressed because when she does try to initiate affection with you, you turn her down. I think maybe you should focus on your marriage. Put your all into it, rediscover the woman you fell in love with. Get rid of the fantasy. There is a reason you and your ex broke up; if she were really the one for you, you would have married her 45 years ago, no matter what.
I am not trying to be mean here, I am just wanting to point out that you have a lot at stake. You have to ask yourself, is it worth it? Is it worth losing your wife, who you spent the last 44 years with. Is it worth having your 4 children resent you? Is it worth losing all that you own for one person? A person, you may or may not even be compatible with. You are basing this lust for her over a few internet chats and one visit... maybe if you and your wife tried bringing back your past (look through old photo albums) you will start to develope some of your old feelings for her.

- Response by boudoirnovelties, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Consulting

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no you don't leave your wife! just meet up with her, have a cup of coffee and tell her you are married :)

- Response by honey1306, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Denver, Who Cares?

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Of course you don't leave your wife! Marriage is about commiting to another person for LIFE, not till you just don't feel like it anymore. How to solve this is to be a man and honor the commitment you made 44 years ago. Tell the tramp that is trying to break up your marriage she ought to be ashamed of herself and to go away.

- Response by 1loohoo, A Thinker, Female, 36-45

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Wow. So she's the most beautiful woman you know, huh? Well THERE'S a good reason to fuck up a 45-year-long marriage.

- Response by justpassingthru, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Financial / Banking

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Decision making is a process of risk vs reward. There have been many posts about staying in a marriage no matter what here. Posts by people not even born when you had already been married for a decade. While sticktoitiveness is important, it is not the only factor here.

I came across your story because I am in a similar situation myself. I have not been married as long, and I don't have any children. I empathize with your situation.

There's a couple of assumptions about this story that I think are unfair to make. We all have natural barriers against finding ourselves in this situation. I have often wondered how one manages to make an emotional connection with someone other than their spouse without tripping an internal alarm.

The answer in this case is that the connection was already there. I don't think it is fair to brand this person as a philandering husband at this stage. He seems to have been content to live out his days in a dull and unrewarding existence until recently.

Also, there have been several accusations of lust driving this from responses. I didn't see any indication from the original post that his interest in the old flame is sexual.

Sometimes married couples develop vastly different emotional needs. Sometimes it is not reconcilable. I think you should consider counseling. Not because it's a magic wand, but because it is a neutral place to discuss why you are unhappy. You could find that your wife and you want the same things but don't know how to get there. You could also find that counseling brings you both to the realization together that you shouldn't be together.

Your old flame is in a stable situation. I suggest that you use caution with regards to getting involved seriously with this woman before you are out of your marriage. Keeping the two situations separate will go a long way towards your guilt in the long run.

I don't think you are trapped. I don't think it is unreasonable to leave a bad marriage after 44 years. Whatever you decide, don't let us here give you a hard time.

- Response by A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 36-45

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Hi,
I have seen many of the quick responses people have sent you and some are very judgemental and right down accusatory. It is obvious you have some relationship issues and we all know relationships are a lot of work. I'm male, 54, married for 25 years and still trying to help my kids make it into the world. As we all who have done know it, it's a lot of work to hold it together.
Having said that let me try to provide some logical advice without getting like many of the people who responded.
I too have had a person or two who I loved very much in the past but things didn't work out then, and I know the reasons why, it was not me or her. We were just too young and unprepared for life. I still hold a warm place in my heart for them and don't feel ashamed of it and share it with my wife. My wife knows she is the one I love the most and she is here with me today and that is what counts. Once you have loved someone you don't have to forget and hate. Many times we painfully have to depart loved ones on our pathway of life and meet others who allows us to love again and find companionship and happines.

In your situation I would think there should not be a contest of the wife and the old girlfriend. If I were you I would resolve my problems in my marriage, and then if they can't be resolved would end it up based solely on the facts affecting the relationship. You got to give the relationship isolated attention. Once you involved a third party things are going to get confusing, ugly and messy. If you can't resolve issues within, then you can consider the relationship with ex-girlfriend( easier said than done).
I understand your dilemma and only disagree with your meeting old girlfriend only if you were unfaithful to your wife.
Old relationships can be maintained after breaking up. And the fact that you talked or saw your ex-girlfriend is not bad unless it was done surreptitiously.

Best of luck to you!

- Response by wilsonpkt20, A Mr. Married Guy, Male, 56-65, Columbus, Science / Engineering

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Hi,
I have seen many of the quick responses people have sent you and some are very judgemental and right down accusatory. It is obvious you have some relationship issues and we all know relationships are a lot of work. I'm male, 54, married for 25 years and still trying to help my kids make it into the world. As we all who have done know it, it's a lot of work to hold it together.
Having said that let me try to provide some logical advice without getting like many of the people who responded.
I too have had a person or two who I loved very much in the past but things didn't work out then, and I know the reasons why, it was not me or her. We were just too young and unprepared for life. I still hold a warm place in my heart for them and don't feel ashamed of it and share it with my wife. My wife knows she is the one I love the most and she is here with me today and that is what counts. Once you have loved someone you don't have to forget and hate. Many times we painfully have to depart loved ones on our pathway of life and meet others who allows us to love again and find companionship and happines.

In your situation I would think there should not be a contest of the wife and the old girlfriend. If I were you I would resolve my problems in my marriage, and then if they can't be resolved would end it up based solely on the facts affecting the relationship. You got to give the relationship isolated attention. Once you involved a third party things are going to get confusing, ugly and messy. If you can't resolve issues within, then you can consider the relationship with ex-girlfriend( easier said than done).
I understand your dilemma and only disagree with your meeting old girlfriend only if you were unfaithful to your wife.
Old relationships can be maintained after breaking up. And the fact that you talked or saw your ex-girlfriend is not bad unless it was done surreptitiously.

Best of luck to you!

- Response by wilsonpkt20, A Mr. Married Guy, Male, 56-65, Columbus, Science / Engineering

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Dude, you are not helping us younger fellas out when we are trying to make an argument about maintaining friendships with women from our past. DAMN!!!!!!! 45 years later and a few emails you are in love......DAMN!!! MAN!!

YOU ARE FUCKING IT UP FOR THE REST OF US.

BTW, on a more serious note, DUDE YOU CANNOT LEAVE YOUR WIFE AFTER 45 YEARS OF MARRIAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!

- Response by handsomedetroitguy, A Father Figure, Male, 36-45, Detroit, Political / Government

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