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Why is it that men that have already been married... refuse to marry again?
Married Life / 12:45 PM - Monday June 15, 2009

Why is it that men that have already been married... refuse to marry again?

At my age, 35, it is hard to find someone like myself that has never been married. Why do men that have been married in the past act like they are in shell-shock still and swear off ever doing that again? It isn't fair to the women that didn't burn them, for us to have to suffer because their ex did something terrible like cheating, etc.

So why is that?

- Asked by darkflower73, An Alternative Girl, Female, 36-45

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It's not out of the question. Some of us just have to be sure that you mean you want to accept us as we are and enjoy the same and communicate your needs to us as we want to communicate to you. It's hard finding each other.

- Response by lifestyle, A Father Figure, Male, 56-65, Houston

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A cat who sits on a very hot stove will not even sit on a cold stove,again

- Response by cocoon, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 46-55, New York, Alternative Medicine

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Community Rating: Community Star

you are absolutely right, they ARE shell shocked and continue to treat other women like they ALL are the same. a man must be pretty selfish and stupid to think all women are that way.

however, those times when they see a friend getting burned yet again by divorce or when a woman just takes a man for all he's worth, it causes us to stop and think just one more time if we really want to do this.

- Response by pizzatroll, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 46-55, Science / Engineering

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....because sometimes the damage done by the previous marriage was such that NO MATTER how long the odds are against ever having an exact repeat marriage, that's STILL too high of odds to take the chance.

- Response by nameacarl, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, Who Cares?, Oostende, Self-Employed

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Men are more "sensitive" than they want any of us to believe. Besides the brutal financial and family destruction that a divorce entails, the emotional toll of having messed up on the most important decision of his life is very rough. Divorced men seem to be of two flavors: Those that hop right into another marriage within 2 years, and those that "never want to do that again"... The first are frightening and the second usually come around within 5 years.

- Response by siouxzen, A Career Woman, Female, Who Cares?, Los Angeles, Self-Employed

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You can't really blame them. If they've been burned badly enough, why would they want to risk it again? There are *no* guarentees the same thing won't happen again. Maybe YOU know you'd never hurt him, but HE doesn't know that.

- Response by justpassingthru, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Financial / Banking

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I think they just lose trust in women, I have never married but had one serious long term relatiobship and I wanted to marry her. After the pain she caused me I cant see myself ever letting someone that close to me again or trusting anyone as much as I did her. When you stick your hand in fire you tend not to do it again, and personally i would rather stick my hand in a fire again than let someone get as close to me as she did.

- Response by fitnessfreak, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 26-28, Student

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Those men are sexist and have decided that all women are the same. don't waste your time with them. you'll be compared to his ex constantly.
Not all men are like that luckily, a prime example is my s/o he's been married before and would love it if i married him right now. that's pretty good considering his ex burned him bad!

- Response by beanielou, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Who Cares?

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It isn't until they experience divorce that they realise how stacked against them and pro woman the divorce industy is. So I'll have to say experience, is why.
They know it is easy for any woman to change her mind some day and know they have him unprotected from their wrath.

- Response by jjcabin, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 46-55, Washington, DC, Technical

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Marriage isn't out of the question, and in fact I would really like to, but I will be extremely cautious with anyone else. Men don't want to do it again many times for the simple reason that the first one took half of his life accomplishments already and the thought of potentially splitting the remainder again or even 2-3 times more isn't an acceptable option. That's why prenups are so common. The first go round was out of trust and love. Subsequent cohabitation's or marriages are fine but he's concerned about protecting assets more than "fairy tale love, together forever" stuff. The sad fact is that most women size a guy up by what he has and not the spiritual person. Also, in your case, you might run into a bit of caution about either the bio-clock thing or why hasn't she been married before. It's not fair but it is true........

- Response by singledad281, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 46-55, Houston, Hospitality

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well I actually feel as they do and I'm sure the man who will enter my life will feel the same as you are feeling now that it isn't fair to suffer for the sins of my past, while I know it isn't I am once bitten and twice shy.and I'm quite sure the men feel the same way. after you have been hurt so bad the last thing you ever want to do is experience that again.I can honestly say that I don't ever want to marry again, and actually mean it,because I have lumped all guys in a basic catagory based on the way (sadly to say)this one man treated me and far too often any man I meet fall right into that catagory. it's like it's the norm. so I say why even bother. so my advice to you are anyone who's trying to get a marriage commitment from anyone who has sworn it off,if you don't have patience move on,,because it's going to take a lot of patience and still theres no sure shot that they will even commit then so it would be best to put a date out there and if that date is not met move on.I know it sounds harsh but reality is harsh. good luck

- Response by mslifeslessons, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Self-Employed

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Marriage is the holiest and purest form of relationship, where sex is meant to be given and taken only to the married partner.

But now with so many forms of relationships coming into vogue, men (and women too) find it stifling if they enter into marriage. Perhaps they think, why enter into relationship, when they can get everything without that?

Much larger number of women on the other hand still yearn for a stable relationship.

Now everyone has a match, and will find it sooner or later (maybe soon).

Have faith in God and mankind.

- Response by counsellor, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 66 or older, Delhi, Self-Employed

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When I met my husband neither of us wanted marriage.But things change.Four years is a long time without a commitment.If you are ok with no marriage that's fine.If you knew in 5 more years you would be unmarried would you stay.If not you need to tell him to make up his mind or you need to be free to find someone who will commit to you.

- Response by frenchkiss49, A Thinker, Female, 66 or older, Tampa, Who Cares?

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Reason I won't is because the older I get the less I trust people. I've been hurt over the years and have found that the women I meet say one thing and do something totally different. They promise you things before you get married and then when you are, those promises don't mean shit. Women change at the drop of a hat. I'd be so afraid of going down that aisle again knowing that she will pull the plug on me as soon as the ring is on my finger. And the fact that most I have met are looking for money in the end so screw it.

- Response by fenderfatstrat, A Life of the Party, Male, 46-55, Science / Engineering

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I think a lot of men use this for an excuse to not get married.

- Response by shyrich, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 46-55, Seattle, Other Profession

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It's said that a second marriage is a triumph of optimism over experience.

As bad as the financial impact of a divorce is, I couldn't really see myself remarrying if I divorced.

Good luck and God bless

- Response by kravjar666, A Father Figure, Male, 46-55, Los Angeles, Consulting

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Heck, I dated a guy who had been through four wives. Of course, the alarm bells rang just as loud and clear when I heard that, as when I heard the stories of the men I was dating who had reached their forties and had never been married. It's a big toss up which of them turned out to be the most screwed up. The ones who had never managed to pull off a non-married relationship lasting more than about a year were as messed up as the one who had been married four times, truth be told.

I'm wife #3 for my to-be husband, and while that raised a red flag in the early days, I've learned something of the unfortunate details since then. He's OK. And he has no problem being madly in love and committing. I get the impression that I'm his "great love," if one could ever have one.

- Response by pandorasfault, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Teaching

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I had a heart to heart with my brother in law a while back. He is 52 and he just lost his s/o because he refused to marry her. He felt she made an "ultimatum" of her own and carried it out on his own. He was happy and content with the relationship where it was and so was she, but she wanted the marriage certificate. When he refused to give it to her, she did leave. He misses her, but he feels it just wasn't meant to be. Because if it was, the relationship would have worked it's way out and on terms agreeable to both.

Another reason is plain and simple money. He has four kids and an ex-wife to pay alimony to. She took half of his worth, agreeable. Since he has gone that route before, he knows it is possible again, and if you look at the odds, they are stacked against him. So if things don't work out, he could loose half of his half left over and that would leave him alone, aging and poor.

After talking with him, I see his side of the story. I agree with him too, let me tell you why. If he was hopelessly, madly in love with her, they way a girl truly wants to be loved, he would throw caution into the wind, dash his bank account and marry her at the closest city hall. Anything less then that, is settling. Settling is just not worth the risk!

I truly hope you find that special someone. The one that you never have to ask yourself, did I settle?


- Response by azhippy, Female, 46-55, Retired

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could be that as he looks around him and sees the marriages that

failed, he's not trying to be another statistic.

- Response by kevsmoml, Female, 56-65, Who Cares?

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Some men who have been married and divorce tend to see marriage as something that could possibly 'hurt' them and make them feel less than they are and if they marry and go through a divorce, it just makes them that much more afraid that if they marry again, they stand to lose not only their confidence but all those things they worked hard to achieve as has nothing to do with the women they date or the women they live with, but it does have a lot to do with a man feeling like he's losing control when/if he marries and it ends in divorce...they hate to be hurt and sometimes will avoid marriage again in the hopes of avoiding getting hurt again...:D

- Response by fastball, A Cool Mom, Female, 36-45, Edmonton, Self-Employed

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Have you heard of the proverb, "Once bit, twice shy?" Most men DO get remarried because they cannot stand to be alone. But there is a growing number of men that refuse to go through life on eggshells with another woman. To these men, women are just the same, just different names. And there is some validity that he will have to "change" in order to make a life with his new wife. These men are just tired of changing who they are in order to live their lives. On the other hand, married men live longer than single men. The single men say that the married men were wishing that they were dead earlier.

- Response by rhunt0210, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 46-55, Other Profession

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Yes, I am the product of a unilateral divorce initiated by my wife of 25 years. Did I lose 1/2 of everything? Yes. Do I blame her or the system? Both... she had a choice and made it. Would I have accepted alimony from her if the court allowed me to? No, I can make it on my own without her assistance - why women who initiate divorce, want their freedom/independence and persist on fleecing their ex - when he wouldn't do it to them out of pride if the roles were reversed - is a mystery to me. I find it convienient that women tend to blame men for not wanting to get married... of course this misleading. The responsible parties for men's reluctance to marry is in reality is the woman (or women) they were married to that violated their trust and bank accounts. When I said, "Till death do us part" as part of my wedding vows, I meant it and never stopped until she used the power of the state to crush our wedding vows. Ladies... until the trend of a high divorce rate initiated 70% of the time by women becomes 0% of the time... and people actually stick to their wedding vows, the alarming trend of men going on marriage strike will continue and grow. Don't blame men... blame the millions of women who initiate divorces via the no fault provision in the law and violate the trust of their men, children and families. Oh did I forget to mention blaming the female biased legal system?

- Response by A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 46-55, Lawyer

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I am 42 and have been married, and we simply weren't a good match, and saw the light in time to get out before we had a child.
That said I love my freedom, the ability to choose where I want with my golf clubs in tow, to be free to go home to quiet house after a family party involving get the drift.
I love women, trust them and are attracted to lots of them, but marriage and compromise leave me cold at the moment. And the thought of raising a toddler even colder.
For the record I don't chase younger women, and one night stands.
It would be nice if someone came into my life and we wowed each other, and lived happily ever after without kids.

- Response by ausmatty, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 46-55, Self-Employed

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