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Should my 18 yr old daughter be allowed to have her bf stay the night?
Family & Parenting / 8:32 AM - Thursday May 21, 2009

Should my 18 yr old daughter be allowed to have her bf stay the night?

Our 18 yr old daughter lives in our home, goes to college full time and has a part time job. My wife and I are having a disagreement over whether her bf should be allowed to spend the night with her under our roof.

I'm against it. My wife isn't thrilled with it either but says that since we charge her rent to live in our home that she should be able to have him stay the night.

What do you think?

- Asked by Male, Who Cares?

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Obviously I don't know your daughter, and you can judge her level of maturity, but ultimately, it's your home and you still control who has access to your house.

I guess the first thing I would ask is, is the BF a decent guy? Someone who you would welcome in the home at other times of day? Does daughter spend the night at his place at times?

At first when I saw 18-year-old, my reaction was "No way," but after thinking about it, if she's an adult (working, paying rent, etc), if you don't oppose her seeing the guy in general, you might consider allowing the overnight visits as long as you have some understanding with daughter about how often it happens, being discreet when he's over, making clear that he's not "moving in," you might be able to reach some agreement. And make clear that he's "on probation" with you to see that he behaves and follows your terms.

But ultimately as the property owners you have the final say about who comes into the house.

- Response by mikehug, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 46-55, Cleveland

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Your wife has a good point however... every apartment complex has it's own rules. You set the rules. If you don't want it, it doesn't matter if she's 18 and paying rent. Some apartments won't let you smoke inside, some won't let you have a bbq grille on the balcony and some will not allow pets. You have a choice... stay renting there or move out.

Your daughter has a choice, she could spend the night at his house. Of course again with that, you make the rules but that one is less enforceable because she is 18 and the only punishment you have (if you prove she stayed with him and not her girlfriend) is to make her move out.

- Response by joent612, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Tampa, Administrative

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Shes legal age and paying rent. I think she should have over whoever she wants for however long she wants.

- Response by shanegalang, A Rebel, Male, 46-55, Transportation

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I will NEVER allow my child to have a bf stay the night under my roof until she is married. It is not that I think she will stay a virgin forever, but I do not want to be an accomplice in the loss of her virtue. If I were "supportive", I would allow it--but that is behavior I don't condone. Other parents I know who have allowed it have found out that their kid was having sex under their roof sooner or later.

- Response by valannetine, A Creative, Female, 36-45

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She sounds pretty responsible from you description, so maybe treat her like an adult.

- Response by cjnotoj, A Life of the Party, Male, 46-55, Norfolk, Who Cares?

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I agree with your wife. The paying of rent implicates that you consider her an adult, I'm sure that is what you wanted when you introduced it, wasn't it? Now you are being thought a lesson as well, and I'm sure it is a hard one, but it is natural that a 18 year old woman has a boyfriend that spends the night from time to time.

- Response by klaxometro, An Alternative Girl, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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i agree, especially if u charge her rent!! come on she should be able to have people come over and spend the she is 18 years old!!

- Response by bhottl, A Hip Hop Girl, Female, 26-28, Philadelphia, Student

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I would say yes. Your daughter is 18 and pays rent. If you say no this could become an issue between the two of you that could negatively alter your relationship. Your daughter may feel you do not trust nor respect her. It is also the 21st century and they are in love.
Lastly your adult daughter may do things in her life that you both are not thrilled over. It is her life. Get over it.

- Response by marcias, An Alternative Girl, Female, 56-65, Denver, Self-Employed

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I'll take...
"are you friekin' crazy" for 1000, Alex.....

My daughter will NEVER be allowed to sleep with a man she't not married to (MAYBE engaged) under my roof.... I don't care how much "rent" she pays......
Just because the "World" accepts a certain behavior, doesn't mean it has to be ok in your home.

- Response by nicolegillenwater, A Thinker, Female, 36-45

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Wow this was an eye opener for me, as I have a 13 year old daughter. I joke with her about bf and over my dead body stuff. But I know that she will grow up soon, faster than I want her too. So this is my take on the situation, after a long a deep thinking.

Respect is key for both you/your wife and your daughter and her bf. First of all she must respect your wishes and rules since its your house. No child understands this til they have children of thier own. If you don't feel comfortable in your own home than she MUST respect that. Rent has nothing to do with it. She is paying rent for responsiblity reasons. That I completely understand. Renters all over have rules; noise, number of guests and so on.

Secondly, you have to respect your daughter is an adult know. She is, so to speak, all grown up. So she WILL be doing adult things.

And thirdly, this is what I thought hard about, we parents share a bedroom and our kids know this. They don't think about what goes on in there. Heck even when we become adults we don't think about what goes on in our parents bedroom(it would ruin our minds, lol). So, inturn we should do the same for our kids when they become adults.

Ultimately, if you feel uncomfortable in YOUR home about it, then she should respect your wishes. But do consider hers first before you react.

- Response by prdmrdman3, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 46-55, Managerial

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I assume she is still living at home because she is paying for college all by herself and can't afford both tuition and room/board or apartment. So really she is stuck in this situation she can't change until she is done with college. Correct me if I'm wrong.

I think that considering that she is a)a legal adult b)paying rent c)in a relationship and d)proving herself to be responsible by going to school and having a job, she has earned some adult privleges.

And cheer up, she may not even be having sex. I had quite a few friends in college who would sleep in the same bed with their bfs and they weren't having sex.

- Response by soccerchica, A Creative, Female, 29-35, Who Cares?

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Still it's your house your rules. I don't think you should allow her to have him stay in her room! That's just opening up a can of worms.

- Response by hulagirl55, A Sportif, Female, Who Cares?, Who Cares?

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My daughter is a straight A student and works 3 long days a week as well. Her boyfriend stays over. Why? because if she were living in an apartment they would be doing the same thing. Be real. She will move out to be with him.

- Response by kypevans, A Career Woman, Female, 56-65, Medical / Dental

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If she was my daughter she would never be allowed to

- Response by bigcurt, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 56-65, Pittsburgh, Self-Employed

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In all honesty, it's your house and YOUR rules and she should either accept them or move out on her own...if she is paying rent, she is still entitled to follow the rules/guidelines set out by the person she is renting from and in some places the people who rent apartments have rules that all tenants abide by and she should realize that your rules are ones she can either live with or not...:D

- Response by fastball, A Cool Mom, Female, 36-45, Edmonton, Self-Employed

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I think she should. She is an adult, she pays rent, there is nothing wrong with having her bf over. She is not a child anymore.

- Response by A Sweet Sarah, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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Your house, your rules! Just because she pays rent does not give her the right to have some fellow spend the night under your roof. Charging her rent has nothing to do with him, but rather being responsible.

- Response by msgg, A Creative, Female, 36-45, Managerial

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If she's paying you rent, there she should be able to have her boyfrind stay......maybe not in her room thou. Its your house, if she doesn't like the rules she can always leave. Set her/him a boundary now. (Is it likely they would ever have sex in your presence do you think) On balance I think he should be allowed to stay, may give you a chance to form an opinion of him.......good bad or indifferent.

- Response by spadeace, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 46-55, Who Cares?

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she's legal....she's paying rent like she would anywhere else, she's responsible....

I have a daughter that's 17 and it kills me to think about it...but in my mind I would rather it be under my roof where it can be controlled vs. her going somewhere else and possibly messing up her future...

under your roof they may be more inhibited to doing things in the same can ensure she continues her schooling and she'll continue to work.....if she leaves your home, it's a free for all...

- Response by sushihoney, A Cool Mom, Female, 36-45, Las Vegas, Other Profession

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I say rent or no, it is still your house and she is still your daughter. if you are against it, and wife aint too thrilled either then BOTH of you should say so. if she wants to spend the night with him, she should go to his house or get a hotel room. she is an adult(legally. i was in similiar situation when i was younger. i was living with grandmother helping to take care of house got engaged but grandma wouldnt have her sleeping in same room with me. so she and my mom slept in the room with 2 beds and i slept in the single bed, untill we got married. then we found a place of our own.

- Response by arkwolf, A Couch Potato, Male, 46-55, Who Cares?

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guest room or couch

- Response by bigmacc, A Guy Critical, Male, 46-55, Rochester

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Well, do you want your daughter to do the deed under your roof? If the answer is no, then boyfriend has to go. (Or at least can't stay at your place).

- Response by attorneydad, A Guy Critical, Male, 36-45, Lawyer

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You lost that battle once you started charging her rent. Have fun.

- Response by drallig9399, A Hip Hop Guy, Male, 29-35, Dallas, Military

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I tend to agree with your wife. The second she started paying rent it stopped being "Your House Your Rules!". She is now a tenant, not your daughter. If you want control back, let her stay for free.

- Response by A Creative, Male, 29-35

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Hell no! Maybe I say this because when I was growing up and was a young adult living at home there is no way in hell that my Dad or Mom would of allowed a guy to spend the night. Even before I was married my husband and I would sleep in separate beds out of respect. Sorry but I'm siding with Dad on this one. There is no reason why her bf needs to stay the night! Of course they are probably having sex, but this doesn't mean that you want to hear it going on, or condone it in your house. Stick to your guns!

- Response by kdtxchic30, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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My boyfriend has spent the night before just out of convenience or if he had to, but he always sleeps in another room. My parents know this and would never let him sleep in the same bed or room as me, and I think it's best if you not let your daughter either.

- Response by mousepad, A Creative, Female, 26-28, Student

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your house your rules
if she wants total freedom then it is time to get aplace of herown

- Response by debsdone, A Hippie Chick, Female, 56-65, St.Louis, Body Work

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My parents let my have my bfs stay the night with me. My father wasnt happy when i said that he was sleeping in my room since im the youngest girl, but he got over that. He realized that im not a little girl anymore, and i've spent the night with him before. Only rule was door had to be open during the day if we were in there. At night i was allowed to shut it though.

- Response by Morgiee4, A Married Girl, Female, 22-25, Home Maker

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she needs to focus on her education...that is more important right now...the boy can wait*

- Response by osieboo, A Thinker, Female, 56-65

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Everyone is different. My daughter is 18 and has been with her 21 year old college boyfriend for 15 months now. They both go to different Universities, live on campus and they come over to my house on the weekends and sometimes spends the night. Her father and I are divorced. He is furious that I am letting him spend the night. She is on Birth Control. The way I look at it is this, if I didn't let him stay here, she would either stay on campus or at his apt. every weekend. I would rather see my daughter on the weekends and know she is safe. I know what they are doing and I know what I was doing at 18. I am sure that there are those that don't approve and feel that it is disrespectful, such as my ex, who by the way started having sex at 13, and told her that. My daughter is smart, a straight A student, opinionated, beautiful and speaks her mind. I have no doubt she will succeed in life and will not put up with anyone's crap or rely on anyone. I want to be a part of her life and we are close. This is not a problem or an obstacle, just a stepping stone. So many parents disagree with their kids and disown them for no following their rules. I have one child and I think I will keep her. I would have never gotten away with this when I was 18. Instead I moved out and got married at 21, divorced at 24 and am on my second divorce. I have decided to raise my child differently. She will not need to run away and marry someone who is not worthy of her because she wanted to move out of the house. This is the 21st century. There are far worst things in life than my daughters boyfriend spending the night on the weekend. P.S. Neither one pays me any rent.

- Response by A Cool Mom, Female, 46-55

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