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Is it normal for my Boyfriend to pull my hair really hard while we are having sex?
Sex & Intimacy / 11:56 PM - Tuesday May 19, 2009

Is it normal for my Boyfriend to pull my hair really hard while we are having sex?

Just wondering if it is a sign he is into some type of pain pleasure (which I am not). I've been dating him for about 5 months and things are great otherwise, this is my only concern. Any comments?

- Asked by Female, 46-55

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You need to let him in on your likes/dislikes right now- if he is into pain/pleasure- then you could get inadvertantly hurt.
Preety sure he's not trying to hurt you...

- Response by shiny, A Creative, Female, 36-45, Artist / Musician / Writer

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Have you told him you don't like it? Does he do it anyway?

If so, he doesn't have a whole lot of respect for you, now does he?

If you haven't told him, then you are in a tacit way, telling him its ok. So, of course he will continue to do it, if he likes to.

Communication...and mutual respect. Get that, and then all parts will be great. :)

- Response by mamom04, A Sweet Sarah, Female, 56-65, Phoenix

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Tell him he can live out his fantasies but to be more gentle.Some men do'nt know thier own strength.

- Response by frenchkiss49, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Tampa, Who Cares?

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OOOOOOUUUCH. If my husband did that to me, he'd have me pulling on his little short hairs, IJS. That's not loving, that's controlling and painful to you. It is a red flag that he's "in control" of you during sex, and I wouldn't go further with him, because who knows what he'll decide he likes to pull on next?

- Response by bnotafraid, A Creative, Female, Who Cares?, Artist / Musician / Writer

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I have to disagree with the responses that suspect that this behavior is a precursor to hidden demons and that he might suddenly grow fangs.

Take a step back and ask yourself how you, or most people, learn about their partners sexual preferences, likes, disklikes, and boundaries. We all like to think that we are open and forthright, and 'talk about it'. In reality, we seldom talk. We get to the point of being intimate without verbally discussing details - it is too unnatural to do that. So we ease in and slowly touch, kiss and play. As one partner tries something and s/he gets a positive or neutral response from the other, they learn that the given act was 'ok' or acceptable, or pleasurable. We do this again and again until we learn about our partners preferences, likes and dislikes.

I, for eg, like doing waht your bf does - pull on my partners hair hard. I don't always do it, neither do I start off with that the first time I'm with someone. It is gradual, and over time, I learn whether my partner is into it, or can accept it. If I get no resistance, I assume that it is okay. I'm inclined to think that your bf is making a similar deduction/assumption - you haven't complained, he likes it - so he assumes that all is well. If all is not well, it is up to you to make that clear.

Is it normal? Yes, it's normal. Just do a search on this site for question about why long hair is considered sexy, and you'll notice that many of the answers teasingly imply this as one of the main benefits of having long hair ;) But you are right that it is not 100% common - there are lots of men and women who are into this, and other forms of pain. To be perfectly honest,sex always involves a small amount of pain and pleasure mixed together - doesn't it? So where is the un-naturalness in another sexual act that depends on mutual pleasure-pain responses as long as it is consensual?

If he insists after you tell him that you don't like it, he would be in the wrong and disrespecting you. But I suspect that this could be a deal-breaker for him. So unless you are willing to risk the relationship, I would suggest that you try to find a middle-ground.

- Response by An Intellectual Guy, Male, 26-28, Seattle, Technical

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I love it.......but Hubby knows I love it.........he also knows what I don't like.......

You need to tell him that you DO NOT LIKE IT.....If you don't, there is no way for him to know......btw......ask him if there is anything that you do that he may not enjoy.....
It works both ways.......

- Response by zibet58, A Thinker, Female, Who Cares?, Teaching

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Not normal. If you don't like it tell him. Simple. If he is into that kinda stuff get him to open up about it. You might like some of it, you may hate it all.

- Response by gmoney21, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Philadelphia, Fitness

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Does he do this while in any position? I'm aware that some men will pull their partner's hair while having sex from behind, kind of like holding the mane of a horse while riding. Not sure why, but maybe it adds to the allure of the power position.

Anyway, if you don't like it you should ask him to please stop. If he continues doing it after you've told him it hurts and you don't like it, then you've got issues.

- Response by mcquack, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 36-45, Portland

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I don't believe there any things which are "normal" between two adults. I'm not into the behavior that you described but more importantly neither are you. Since you've let it go on and if you no longer want to you will need to bring up the subject of not liking it outside the bedroom. Don't be surprised if he wonders if there are other things which you don't like.

- Response by Passion4Travel, A Guy Critical, Male, 46-55, San Diego

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Does he even realize that he is doing it? As unbelievable as it may sound some people don't even realize that they are doing and/or saying things during sex. It is literally like they are having an out of body (or out of mind ... if you prefer) experience while they are having sex.

- Response by mike4545, A Creative, Male, 46-55

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