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My 42 year old wife says she dosent want to be married anymore.What is really going on with her?
Married Life / 5:38 PM - Saturday May 02, 2009

My 42 year old wife says she dosent want to be married anymore.What is really going on with her?

2 days before christmas, out of the blue, she tells me she wants a divorce. We rarely fight about anything. I thought things were going great. She dosen't want to talk to me about it and dosen't want to go to a counselor either. she says she just wants to be alone. She moved out 3-1 into an apartment 6 blocks away. We get along great when we do see each other like nothing is wrong. Im confused and frustrated !

- Asked by A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 46-55

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I know exactly what's wrong - friends and I were talking about this issue just a few days ago.

See, women in her age group and older grew up hearing that marriage and a husband were the pot at the end of the rainbow. Women manipulated, clawed and whined their way into marriage because that was what was expected of them by their parents, friends, by society.

Then came the realization that husbands, children, households, homework, laundry, inlaws, jobs and pets were just a lot of work. Draining, demanding, thankless and not nearly as rewarding as people tried to get us to believe!! And they TAKE and rarely give. Children always ask for something from Mom. Husbands always ask for something from their wives. Neither thinks of doing things to help Mom out, or to not bug the hell out of her for things they can easily do themselves. Nope. So Mom gets worn out, depressed, exhausted, frustrated and angry.

So at some point a woman realizes she is getting older, that her looks will soon fade and her body change with menopause. She doesn't want to miss the opportunities for self actualization she felt she was denied in her 20s in her haste to be a good daughter, good wife, good mother. All about someone else's expectations and meeting other people's demands.

So once you realize marriage isn't all its cracked up to be, you don't want to be married anymore. You want to have time and space to find out WHO YOU ARE without meeting anyone else's expectations.

That is what is going on with your wife. Let her go. If she stayed married to you she would be miserably unhappy. She needs to be alone to grow and find satisfaction with herself before she dies. Nothing really to do with you so don't take it personally. Its unfortunately just a representation of the snowjob society has done on women about marriage.

- Response by msheartbeat, A Trendsetter, Female, 46-55, San Francisco, Self-Employed

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Community Rating: Community Star

I'm sorry to hear that... my advise is give her her space be friends with her so that she can re-develope trust. With time she'll open up. I know it frustrating but she might be going threw some hormonal issues, such as menopause. just be patient and let her know that whatever the issue is you're more than happy to help/fix it. be supportive. If you'd even like, you can began going to counseling on your own. I'm not putting blame on either. these issues happen ALOT. patience is a great tool. I suggest you utilize it.

- Response by A Married Girl, Female, 36-45

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In my past experience, someone needing "alone time" is really just wanting that "alone time" to spend it with someone else. I haven't heard this one since I was a teenager, and it certainly seems like she's acting like one.

- Response by tortureu2, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Other Profession

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It sounds to me like the female version of .... um, what do you call it? Kinda like the 7 year itch? That middle-age thing. I don't think she's having an affair or she wouldn't have moved so close to you. I think she's just evaluating her life and wondering what's missing - if anything.

- Response by twocents47, A Sweet Sarah, Female, 46-55, Who Cares?

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Soooooooooo many variables here....
Could just be her.
Could be she's bored.
Do you still woo her and do nice little "just because" things for her or have you turned into homebound boring guy?
Could also be she is having an affair.
No real way to guess unless she is willing to at least talk about it.....

- Response by singledad281, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 46-55, Houston, Hospitality

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Not sure how long you all have been married or if kids are involved. I know this is hard. But, if she won't go to couseling, then divorce her and try to move on, it's all you can do. She might just want out of the marriage, there might be another person involved, but really that makes NO difference. She wants out. Let her go. Good luck!!!

- Response by nursefromky, A Career Woman, Female, 46-55, Medical / Dental

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My heart goes out to you in this situation. Possibly your wife is having a mid-life crisis - menopause could be a factor. Give her the space she is requesting, be supportive without begging her to come back, and possibly in time things will work themselves out.

- Response by experience101, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Who Cares?

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...i think she owes u an explanation..a real one..that is really lame what she is doing...

- Response by michellekia, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, St.Louis, Financial / Banking

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I am really sorry, you must be in alot of pain! It's painful to have a break-up, but add the mystery and frustration! Wow. Double whammy. I would keep an eye on her, in any way that she feels is comfortable. Give her that space, as you have. Is is possible for you to have a family member give updates? Not to spy, just to make sure she is okay, and not depressed or anything. Could be she is confused too!

- Response by A Hippie Chick, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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Man if you are not nice to people on AO and give them 0s and -ses, then how have you been with your wife???
I wonder how many years she put up with your crap, hide the pain in her heart and never fight as you mentioned. I wish her love and happiness. Next time be nice to people.

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Other Profession

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wow! I feel for ya....sad! Everyone changes, but to not be able to explain it? Maybe she met someone and doesnt want to tell you or hurt your feelings?

- Response by lam0366, A Sweet Sarah, Female, 46-55, Administrative

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I can't imagine what she is thinking. If she had anoher man I could understand.

- Response by lacey07, A Life of the Party, Female, Who Cares?, Other Profession

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Give her the divorce. Move on and begin your life all over. Not that big of a deal in the long run. Avoid her and find something else to do. She's got somebody else and you are just going to agonize over the split for a long time unless you cut the line now.

- Response by william45, A Career Man, Male, 46-55, Chicago, Teaching

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I don't know why she did so but I know that men do it all the time.

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Other Profession

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She is bored with you dude. She needs some DRAMA in her life.
Get the divorce before she changes her mind.

Why would you want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you anyway?

Take a trip to Thailand after you file. You will feel better.
When she talks about getting back together, take another trip to Thailand.

- Response by traveler6442, A Guy Critical, Male, 46-55, Who Cares?

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She is in love ... or she feels the NEED to BE in love - and has decided you can't give her that spark. SHE ISN'T TELLING YOU EVERYTHING ... Do you REALLY want to know? if so, there is hope for you to have a mutually satisfying relationship. You need to find out everything she doesn't want to tell you - THEN the two of you will experience PLENTY of sparks along the way. You won't be confused anymore - and probably not frustrated, either. Oh, by the way - you also have to be willing to tell HER everything you've thought you shouldn't -which she may be reluctant to hear, also. OH - a VITAL KEY to this working is you are not to "discuss" what she reveals - just hear everything she has to say - and acknowledge without protest or justification. [[You will probably need assistance to do this - it is a rare and wonderful practice of communication - I hope that you (both) get to experience it with partners.]] Contact me if you have the possible determination to pursue it.

- Response by lovebookauthor, A Creative, Male, 66 or older, Self-Employed

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I feel for you. Marriage is a difficult thing because it takes two people to make it work, and one to make it not work.

She is going through something that she does not want to talk to you about for some reason. See if any of her friends are willing to talk that is about the only way, short of her tell you what is going on that you are going to get an answer.

- Response by attorneydad, A Guy Critical, Male, 36-45, Lawyer

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Is she also seeing someone else? Other than that I couldn't even beging to guess at the mind of a woman. As long as you're dating and enjoying each other have a good time and enjoy the privacy. That's about all I cold think of. Good Luck!

- Response by bigdog52, A Father Figure, Male, 56-65, Oklahoma City, Science / Engineering

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This is happening quite a quite. women 40-45 are deciding they want a change. I kind feel like I am going through the same thing.

- Response by atticus, A Guy Critical, Male, 46-55, Atlanta, Managerial

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I'm the same way with my husband - we never fight because I just don't give a crap anymore. We've lived for years with him taking everything I do (and I do everything) for granted while complaining that he feels "unappreciated." Please. I'm just waiting for my kids to be grown and out of college before I drop the "I just don't want to be married anymore" line on him. I guess then he will figure out just how unappreciated he really is, and I will get to stop doing everything short of wiping his nose for him. See, win-win for both of us!

- Response by casablanca1, A Thinker, Female, 46-55

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- Response by vank356, A Guy Critical, Male, 56-65, Technical

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she's probably having an affair. or she doesn't like being under a man's thumb, never taking her anywhere or showing her romance.

- Response by pizzatroll, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 46-55, Science / Engineering

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