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After 30 years of marriage, my husband told me he doesn"t love me anymore.
Married Life / 3:44 PM - Thursday April 30, 2009

After 30 years of marriage, my husband told me he doesn"t love me anymore.

We have 2 beautiful,loving children (both in there 20's)& successful. A beautiful home. No debt. What's wrong with this??

- Asked by A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Chicago, Administrative

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Well... Hopefully, he doesn't love you ANY LESS!

- Response by geester, A Creative, Male, 46-55, Celebrity

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This is just an observation but love should really mean something more than a beautiful home and no debt.

- Response by livestolaugh, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Managerial

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20 years ago he fell asleep and you grew apart. Today he woke up and realized that you two no longer have common interests now that the kids have grown.

- Response by cosmicdog0, A Guy Critical, Male, 56-65, Denver, Science / Engineering

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This can happen and maybe you concentrated on the home and children more than paid attention to him. Suggest a holiday where you two can spend time alone...A little bit of romance and some long talks might save this marriage. Rosey

- Response by roseytalks, A Thinker, Female, Who Cares?, Tampa, Who Cares?

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Taking what he said at face value, what's wrong is that he no longer loves you. We could speculate that it means he's just bored and need to shake things up or if he truly feels no love in his heart for you for many other reasons. He could be in a tumultuous midlife crisis. We could 'maybe this or that' all day long and not have a valid answer.

You speak of a home, good finances and no kids. Well that's not all there is to a good loving marriage. What else was going on? Have you always been a loving, intimate family or has it been 'remote control' and going through the motions for last few years?

I'm asking because some people 'hang in there' until the kids grow up; then bail out after 20+ years. Eventually they get overwhelmed with feeling so out of love that they bail out. Some focus only on the kids until they realize how disconnected they are when the kids grow up.

I suggest you at least try to get him into counseling to see if this is a byproduct of some other issues in his own life or if he's really just done. After 30yrs, it's worth giving counseling a shot. Good luck to you!

- Response by thottienc, A Career Woman, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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you are

- Response by newnumbersguy32, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 36-45, Financial / Banking

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Im really sorry you are going through such a difficult moment. Relationships sure do change through time, but not in an instant. What I mean is that love starts getting colder gradually and this situation is sometimes hidden by our children, our jobs and other daily activities. That is why we don´t notice. At this point, the best thing I think you could do, is having a sincere and calm conversation with your husband, and depending on what both of you want, seek couple therapy. This can be a great oportunity to get to know each other a little more and understand the situation from each other´s point of view through therapy. I wish you the best.

- Response by eternalsoul, A Creative, Female, 29-35, Other Profession

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Damn, that is a long time to live together and him tell you that.
Find a lawyer like Johnny Cochran and give him 25% and you get 75% of everything....and the whole house too....

- Response by amandasboy, A Father Figure, Male, Who Cares?, Other Profession

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What's wrong with this...might be the wrong question. Pehaps he feels the marriage doesn't offer him what he wants to experience. Perhaps it hasn't for some time but he hung in there out of a sense of responsibility to his children. Now they are grown and he isn't financially responsible for them anymore. A house is a container. And having no real debt makes it particularly easy for him to divide assets and walk away to what he might feel are greener pastures and new adventures. Alot of people feel this way. And I believe alot of partners know deep down their partners feel this way and they choose to ignore it for years because it serves them to do so.
Now comes the question of what you do about his admission of not loving you anymore. It may be a true statement. He obviously knows what love feels like and has experienced it in the past with you. You can try to hold on and insist on marital counseling. You can refuse to divorce easily which demands alot of legal costs. OR you can just take all the financial paperwork you can find in the house and take it to a lawyer of your own...like yesterday and start the process of divorcing him and take half of everything...including his retirement.

- Response by joybird, A Hippie Chick, Female, 46-55, Who Cares?

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Midlife Crisis? Did he meet someone new that just smiled at him and made him feel young. If he won't go to marriage counseling, give him a divorce. You need a life too, and if he doesn't want to be married, let him go!

- Response by nursefromky, A Career Woman, Female, 46-55, Medical / Dental

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I think after 30 years of being with you he knows darn well if he's interested in 30 more...the hell with him!

- Response by mscachick, A Creative, Female, 36-45, Minneapolis, Who Cares?

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Midlife crises comes to mind. Perhaps he is getting bored. Everything seems perfect on the surface, but he needs more "excitement"? Maybe is taking you for granted? Did he say he wants divorce? If so, it is time for you to contact a lawyer to protect your assets and think about your options. if he didn't say he wants divorce, then maybe you should play hard ball. He needs to "earn" you back. Some people maybe your husband is one of them) don't know how much they care about something before it's gone. Maybe you should take a vacation by yourself or with a friend to get away and to think and to let HIM miss you and what you do for him.

- Response by silver75, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Stockholm, Other Profession

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Oh, sorry. That ungreatful jerk. 30 years? Maybe he had a late mid-life crisis.

- Response by TheSshhmoe, An Alternative Girl, Female, 22-25, Student

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maybe he is bored try spicing things up

- Response by A Married Girl, Female, 22-25, Atlanta, Who Cares?

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Did he say why? Well this is men. You are not the only one got hurt of men. I think 87% of women on earth faced this. He hate you? give him hate back and let him go to hell.
Let me tell you this, at least you have a 30ys of love and 2 beautiful kids and a home. Some of us don't. I just got hatres from men, non of them gave me home, kids, or long term company.

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Other Profession

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What about his feelings? You don't seem to be in touch with what he wants, only what you want. It's easy for a woman to take a man who is a good father for granted. You feel he has to do his part because it's his responsibility. Well what about his FEELINGS? Perhaps you've been taking him for granted and now he wants to find something he's been missing for a long time. He's only human.


- Response by sfgeekrocker, A Creative, Male, 36-45, San Francisco, Internet / New Media

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Sounds like you and your husband have become so focused on other things like raising children, work, taking care of the house, etc that you 'forgot' to maintain a relationship with one another and have drifted apart...maybe it's time to start planning 'dates' for you and him so that you can start 'finding' one another again and bring back those feelings you had when you were first married and/or dating...sometimes the best way to determine if a marriage is worth saving, is to make time for it and work on those 'issues' that might be causing one or both of you to feel 'lost'...:D

- Response by fastball, A Cool Mom, Female, 36-45, Edmonton, Self-Employed

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When did you stop being his girlfriend and not his business partner. Did you notice that you DID mentioned assets and didn't write a word about being in love with him? Do you love him like you used to or is this a sentence that you feel like you have to serve? He probably comes home to a woman that stopped showing that she craved his body or enjoyed doing things with him.

Not all is lost, though. He just gave you a BIG clue. Make him feel loved. Change something, maybe a few things about yourself. Get a new hair cut, change your makeup or something to make him pay attention. Open the conversation about why he said what he said. Make him tell you what he meant. He could be going through male menepause or just feeling neglected. Go seek counseling.

- Response by rhunt0210, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 46-55, Other Profession

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you can fall in and out of love.

my guess is that he is a dmbarse.

- Response by movi, A Guy Critical, Male, 46-55, Administrative

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So, tell him "There is the door"! I'm sorry you are going through this but you cannot simply hang on to someone hoping they will change their mind. I think him telling you that was very crude, but I bet it was hard on him to come out and tell you how he really feels. You grew apart. Maybe try some counseling, but if he is really ready to get out..let him go. Go find someone who loves you for you!

- Response by kira85, A Sweet Sarah, Female, 26-28, Dallas, Financial / Banking

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Okay.....lets try this....2 beautiful kids, beautiful home, and no debt, right? Did you have any of those things when you first met and fell in love? My guess is no, you didn't. You obtained those accomplishments together. So, there is nothing wrong with those things, but they have nothing to do with your "love" in your marriage.

My guess is that his "feet went to sleep", as did yours probably. Nothing wrong with that, except the 2 of you probably started working towards your goals (as you mentioned above) and forgot to work on each other. So, there is nothing "wrong", but IMO you were focused on your goals rather than each other.

- Response by ecgjyt, A Mr. Married Guy, Male, 36-45, Medical / Dental

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Since when is financial status the sole indicator of a successful marriage?

- Response by lmarks, A Life of the Party, Male, 29-35, Los Angeles, Who Cares?

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three days have passed. Update us plz we are here worry about you.

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Other Profession

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hey girl sorry that you have to go threw this, I know your feeling, It's devastating, Going threw this myself I know it gets better, first did he say why he doesnt love you? Is ther another woman? The find out if there is another woman. If so see if you can win him back with sweetness if not then make th eplaying field even, Find someone yourself, there are plenty of dating sites, Hell this can be a dateing site if you want it to, but plenty of fish is a good one and you dont have to pay for it, Good luck girl

- Response by jeniangel0013, A Player, Female, 56-65, Who Cares?

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girl, lets go out and have a drink...

- Response by osieboo, A Thinker, Female, 56-65

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I know that when things go wrong in our lives we are in desperate need of advise from friends, family and/or people who care about us. We need to ask someone who has gone through what we are going through and has "survived" it. If your husband says he doesn't love you anymore after sharing his life with you for 30 years, you should ask him "what's next?" Where do we go from here? counseling is essential to heal and move on. If you both decide to seek counseling to save the marriage, do it. Love, sex, intimacy and communication are as good assets as owning a home and being debt free. Best wishes, peace of mind and God bless.

- Response by icareucare2, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Self-Employed

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