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I think I'm falling in love with my guy friend. What do I do?
Dating / 9:44 AM - Sunday April 26, 2009

I think I'm falling in love with my guy friend. What do I do?

I've known this guy for 4 years. We went to med school together. We are both in residency training now. He is in DC and I'm in California. We were good friends and confidants in med school. At that time, I was involved with someone and so was he. I used to talk to him all the time about my loser ex-boyfriend (who I thankfully dumped over 1 year ago). Interestingly, my guy friend used to call & confide in me about his "crazy" ex-girlfriends. LOL. I feel like I can tell him anything. And, he shares a lot of personal things with me. Last Christmas, we spent hours on the phone talking about how hard it is to find a "good and faithful mate." During the converstaion, I realized how he and I could really have a great relationship because we share the same values. Now, I find myself thinking about him a lot. Wanting to be with him romantically. He is such a good friend, and I think he would be an incredible lover. But I don't know how to tell him my feelings. From years of dating, I've observed that men are naturally hunters and like to initiate rather than be chased. I want to share my feelings but I don't want to seem desperate, or aggressive. Then there's the issue of geographic distance. Ultimately, I want to be with him. How do I handle this situation?


Update: May 02, 2009.
Well, I think maybe I spoke too soon. Though we've kept in regular communication via phone since graduation last year, I'm beginning to really question whether he truly has feelings for more than just friendship. Eventhough he says he does , I'm confused because, in retrospect, in all the time I've been in California (9 months), he has never visited me, despite 2 invitations from me. He's also never invited me to DC. I figured once I confessed my feelings for him, I would see him make more of an initiative to see me, but he still only continues to just call me. When I told him that I liked him, he reciprocated the same feelings. But the next day, he also said that he didn't know where he'd be in the next few months (he's looking at taking an open residency spot in another city). I'm in the same boat too (I'm finishing a transitional year and will be going into consulting). He asked me how I felt about long distance relationships and I told him I'm open to it. He said that he's only done it once and it got "expensive" flying back and forth, and they eventually broke up. He says he knows a few happy married and engaged couples that make their long distance relationship work, but he didn't sound too enthusiastic. I asked him on Friday if he was working May 30 (I was secretly considering flying to see him), but he started rambling on about work, and never answered my question. Anyways, he still hasn't made any plans to visit me (and he's never even brought up visting me, despite the fact that I've invited him twice). And I don't know if I'm being to unreasonable when I think that maybe I should not take his "I like you too" seriously. Honestly, my ego is a bit hurt. First of all, I'm used to a guy pursuing me, not the other way around. I'm an attractive and intelligent woman. I get approached regularly by men (which my guy friend knows. In fact, he admitted having a crush on me in med school, but figured I was out of his league). Anyways, I thought I would experience more enthusiasm from my friend, if he was truly feeling the same way I'm feeling. But, I'm not seeing the gestures on his part. Any thoughts?

Update: April 28, 2009.
Good morning everyone! To all that encouraged me to tell my guyfriend how I really felt, I'm happy to report that I told my guy friend last night about how I have romantic feelings towards him and...... he said he has felt the same for me! He said that he had these feelings for me since the first time we met! But he never told me b/c I was in a serious relationship (I had been with my ex for 3 years when I met my friend). He also said that he observed how I turned down many guys at our school that wanted to date me as well, and he was worried that I would reject him too. He said he thinks I'm "fantastic, beautiful, and intelligent." So he never let me know how he felt b/c he was afraid of rejection. But, he's so excited that we are both reciprocating feelings, and he'd like to start a relationship! We have more to discuss (the long distance is definitely an issue), but I'm very optimistic. I'm just so glad that I was honest with him about my feelings. I'm so happy. This could be the start of something so much more beautiful than what we already had!!

Update: April 26, 2009.
It has been very hard enough to find a guy that understands me professionally (it's like being a female physician is some sort of "good guy" repellant. LOL) But to also find someone that I can connect with emotionally, has been a journey and I feel like I've found this in my friend. Interestingly, during one of our first conversations as acquaintances, I made a remark (in front of him), that I would "never seriously date or marry a surgeon." I only said it because my experience with male surgeons had been very bad; they always seemed very arrogant, work-obsessed, self-absorbed, plain mean, condescending, and the divorce rate among them is very high. My guyfriend (who was only an acquaintance of mine at the time) seemed astonished by my comment and tried to argue that not "all surgeons were jerks." But I wasn't hearing it. LOL Once our relationship evolved, and I matured, I realized that it's not the specialty one chooses, but rather the type of person they are inside. So, now I'm wondering if the "I would never date/marry a surgeon" conversation may have caused him to shelve any idea of ever dating me. I know that he finds me attractive. He tells me how any guy would be priveledged to be with me. But, I'm wondering if I did damage to "us" ever being together by what I said in the past. What do you think?

- Asked by A Thinker, Female, 29-35

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I would say that he is a bit interested in you as well. Has he opened any doors for a chance to express your feelings.

He might be afraid of lossing your friendship if he initiated anything.

Watch for openings to say something. Or the next time you all have a chance to hang out. Offer a bit of flirting and see if he responses.

- Response by laney3166, A Cool Mom, Female, 46-55, Kansas City, Who Cares?

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if he feels the same about you it does not matter if you tell him. And telling him that you love him will not change much if you don't actually start pestering him with calls.

Chasing is when you keep calling the guy 24/7. Tell him you like him but dont change the way you always act around him. If he refuses dont make a big deal out of it.

(And trust me i've had a guy try to be good friends with him after i told him i like him and then lost connection for some reason.)

Just telling a guy you love him is nto chasing.. irritating him with calls and being possessive is what drives them away.

- Response by cuteartist0212, An Alternative Girl, Female, 26-28, Delhi, Artist / Musician / Writer

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It's really hard to find someone you can possibly talk about anything, share same values and same interest. I'm a medical student and I know how tough it is to be a lady physician and its even harder to find a partner whose equally competent and able to bear with you and through all your career demands. The ony advise I can give you is to give it a try. Open up the way you feel in a more subtle way.. Like tell him you're starting to grow fonder of him and don't want to sabotage your friendship though.. things like that. Its worth taking the risk. But be ready for the possible repercussions. Leave no expectations and hope that it will turn out well.. And focus also on other aspects of your life. You'll need extra strength and sense of balance in case things won't turn out well. If he's not seeing anyone. more likely he feels same thing towards you..Other option is you wait until he finally got the nerve to tell you his real feelings.. But it may or may not happen..

- Response by winluvnsparkle, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Medical / Dental

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Aside from the geographic distance between y'all, I think this is a great situation in which to be. Haven't you ever admired people who can honestly say, "My husband/wife is my best friend."? I think it's alright to let him know you think the two of you have potential. Like you, I'm sure he also wants an intellectual partner. You can relate to each other, especially during this busy period of your careers. You know about each other's past relationships, which already gives you insight into each other as potential partners.

Some of the other advice you've been given is solid: Look for opportunities to let him know you're interested in him as a mate. I really don't think you need to hide that, though I'd advise against overwelming him by going "over-board". Take advantage of opportunities to see each other when your busy schedules allow it (a rendezvous in Kansas City? Half-way between your locations, and it might be fun to get to explore a place together I'm assuming neither of you know. :-).

And imagine this: Maybe he's thinking the same thing about you! Surely he's thought of it. There are no fireworks more explosive or exciting than when two great friends take the big step and explore moving their relationship to a new, deeper level. Good luck to you!

- Response by 19tp71, A Guy Critical, Male, 36-45, San Antonio, Administrative

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