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What would you do if you saw your husband checking out porn on the web?
Sex & Intimacy / 7:57 PM - Sunday April 12, 2009

What would you do if you saw your husband checking out porn on the web?

I woke up to see my husband checking porn on the web. I need to know how to deal with this for myself. I've already talked to him about it and this is the second time. I told him the next time I will divorce him. I can't help but think about what he did and how he is making me feel right now bc I'm an outstanding looking chick and I please him in anyway possible!!

- Asked by rubis, A Creative, Female, 29-35, Columbus, Hospitality

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I'm making a stand; porn is a BAD THING!!!!!

If a person is in a relationship, they shouldn't have to look at gratuitous, naked GARBAGE for satisfaction. There is NO redeeming value to pornography; how the bar of social acceptability got dropped so low, I have no idea. It is disrespectful to one's loved one, and serves no purpose except degrading self-satisfaction-matur e, loving, respectable individuals shouls have more regard for their mates than to fall into the pit of moral decay that is porn...it is despicable, and HOW it got to be so commonplace and have an air of respectability floors me!

- Response by stillagoodguy1, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 56-65, Celebrity

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Pretty fuckin dumb to divorce a man for looking at porn three times. You may think you're outstanding, but you clearly don't love him, and maybe that's why he needs the porn.

- Response by sweetness04, A Trendsetter, Female, 26-28, Artist / Musician / Writer

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I don't have a husband, but if I did, I'd think it was okay.

BTW: I also don't think it is such a BAD thing for a man OR woman to watch porn.

Sometimes it helps add a little spice to a relationship. Especially if you both watch it together.

- Response by coolstud, A Life of the Party, Male, Who Cares?, Portland, Self-Employed

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dkont' divorce him over it, it's curiosity, try sitting down with him and looking at it together, sometimes it's either a turn off or it can be a turn on. My fiance looks at porn online, the best way I deal with it is I sit on his lap and we surf it together, then we have sex......but if that's not your style then let him know that you are not interested in looking at porn and you wish for him to respect you and not look at it either. Express yourself before you leap into the "i want a divorce" thing!

- Response by rere36, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Managerial

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Nothing. Porn isn't a bad thing.

- Response by lavender, A Hippie Chick, Female, 46-55, San Francisco

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I would scream at him, "who are you and why are you looking at porn in my house?" Then, I would say, "I'm a guy too, we don't live in a state that allows gay marriage. How could you be my husband?" Then, I would throw my hands in the air and run in circles, mumbling.

- Response by daglinch, A Creative, Male, 46-55, Teaching

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Him looking at porn, most likely has nothing to do with you. I have a playlist of porn. Its great. The only thing porn does is stimulate the mind.

I highly doubt your husband is compairing you to the girls in porn. If I found my husband watching porn, I'd request that he watch it with me. Its hot, that's all there is to it.

- Response by ashmcawesome, An Alternative Girl, Female, 29-35

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Pornographic curiosity should not be a relationship deal breaker. Cut him some slack. This is not a contest between you and the actresses on the screen or even an indicator that the way they behave is a real interest of his. It is just visual fantasy. And most of it is very boring. Once you have seen the position done a couple of times you move on... Self-limiting entertainment.

- Response by siouxzen, A Career Woman, Female, Who Cares?, Guadalajara, Self-Employed

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Porn can become addictive, if he likes to watch it more than he likes you, or if he isn't satisfied with you.

Most guys that I know who are happily married have looked at porn on occassion.

You guys should go to marital counselling and maybe to sex-therapy. He shouldn't be sneaking things behind your back, but, if you're happily married, he shouldn't have to. As you said, you try to please him in any-way possible. Why not watch a movie with him or talk about fantasies with him?

I can understand not having a threesome or something if having another person involved is too risky... that's totally fine.

So many marriages, to good, decent men, are completely destroyed because the woman has extremely high standards about what is and isn't ok for her man to do. I'd bet you $1,000 that he thinks you are totally hot, and that he would not want to screw those women he is watching on his computer...

It sounds like you guys need to re-connect. He needs to re-prioritize you, and you should consider using positive re-enforcement.

If he feels that you are negative about him or his behavior too often, he'll wear down under the strain of it.

Hey, even wrinkled old Doctor Ruth suggests that a couple can watch porn together, especially if the woman makes sure she gets something that won't make her feel too degraded.

Also, don't go out of your way to feel degraded. Again, I'd bet serious money that your man loves you, and that he isn't comparing you to these other women.

Guys need five things in a marriage:
- Exciting sex (sounds like you do this)
- Recreational Companionship
- Respect and Admiration (this might be a problem due to the downward spiral going on with the porn)
- Attraction to their spouse (sounds like this is not an issue)
- Peace and quiet from time to time

If he has those things, plus affection and a good connection with you, he should be thrilled, happy, and in love with you more than life.

So, I dunno... don't be too quick to throw away your marriage and then go trade this guy in for some other guy who may have cheated on his ex-wife, also watches porn, is an extreme zealot about religion, or has some other problems.

If you married this guy for the right reasons and you've been in love with him, you should really try to fight for your relationship.

I don't think enough people are willing to fight for a good relationship, and instead they talk about ending it over something like you mention which, while upsetting, is very common.



- Response by wp2007, A Creative, Male, 36-45, Pittsburgh, Artist / Musician / Writer

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Are you insane? You're going to divorce your husband because he looked at porn?

You are a self centered child.

- Response by llafsroh, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 46-55, Boston, Science / Engineering

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If you keep issuing ultimatums, you're just going to push him away. This is not worth even getting upset about, let along threatening divorce.

My girl is OK with me looking at porn as long as it isn't interfering with our relationship. That is, it would be a problem if I would rather look at porn than spend time with her, or if I masturbated so much that I wasn't interested in having sex with her. Neither of those is the case. If I look at porn it's usually because I haven't seen her in a couple days, or I need a release and I don't want to disturb her 'cause she's sleeping.

Anyway, my girl's cool about it and I respect her for it. It hasn't been a problem between us at all. I suggest you follow her example.

- Response by A Rebel, Male, 29-35, Washington, DC, Self-Employed

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Although you might not like this answer -- it's very important to take a look at it from an "open minded" perspective. You mentioned that you "...please him in anyway possible." Understand that there is absolutely no issue with that. He loves you, married you, and is not looking for more sex. The bottom line here is that most men are drawn to porn. Before the internet was around it was simply hiding a few magazines under the bed (or somewhere). It's VERY natural for men -- even married men. The reality is that it's nothing to be jealous about. Porn is about "fantasy" and has nothing to do with reality for men. Women are better at "fantasy" in their own thoughts than men are. It would be hard for me to believe that you never notice a good looking man in public or think of another "fantasy" man while masterbating (ok, I don't know you so I don't know if you do -- but it's common for women). Men are more aroused by visual stimulation. Photos of women that he doesn't know, and will never know, are considered purely fantasy. It takes nothing away from the reality of your marriage and sex life. Taken one step farther, would your ask that he doesn't ever masterbate? That's a pretty strict order! It would make no sense to get divorced over this type of issue. It's strictly fantasy. My best advice, have a "real" talk with him about why he looks at porn on the internet. No arguing, no accusing, no upsetness --- just a real in depth communication. The reality here is that you would just get divorced and likely marry again and find your next husband viewing the same thing. The reality here is that this has absolutely no reflection on you, your relationship, and his desire for you -- the real person that he married. Unless you can honestly say that you NEVER have any sexual fantasies that don't include your husband (including noticing a good looking man out in public and including remembering an encounter you had in your past) then you are being a hipocrate. Men "fantasize" differently than women -- typically. Again, men are drawn to visual stimulation. It's simply a natural thing. As long as his fantasy stimulation does not become "real" then there is nothing to worry about. Making him feel bad about his own natural tendencies is not going to help the marriage either. You need to have an open minded communication with him --- learn more about your husband and stop threatening things like divorce. Yikes! He could just as easily turn around and call you a hipocrite for taking a marriage vow so lightly instead of learning more about him, and men in general. If you think this is a "marriage" breaker, wait until you see what "life" can really throw at you.

- Response by markm, A Guy Critical, Male, 36-45, San Diego

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Why does this bother you? Is he addicted to it or is he just doing it occasionally? Does he have sex with you less? Men want to look at naked women, a variety of them, it's who we are, most men look at porn, it's only a problem if it's all the time. It has no bearing on his attraction to you unless it's affecting your sex life. Does he give you the same grief about reading romantic novels, it's equivalent.

- Response by Passion4Travel, A Guy Critical, Male, 46-55, San Diego

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I think a bunch of you guys need to chill out. It's true that lots of guys in relationships like to look at porn, but that doesn't mean that if it makes a girl uncomfortable that she has to accept it. On the other hand, divorcing someone over looking at porn is probably drastic. I guess if it's totally intolerable to you, then I can't blame you, but I'm sure you guys could work on it first.

- Response by ihatescreennames, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 26-28

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tell him "to hit the gate" whats next? ordering a mail-bride? geesh*

- Response by osieboo, A Thinker, Female, 56-65

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2 chances already youve seemed very gracious

1) marriage counseling has got to Happen
( most solid churches offer it for FREE)

2) He loses his computer privledges or it goes in the family room for all to see

( or you can subscribe to covenant eyes $6 a month and it monitors all web sites visited)

3} dis - connect your internet (altho radical it may be neccasary

- Response by rockee, A Father Figure, Male, 46-55, Transportation

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So...have you stopped shopping and anything that brings you joy or entertainmnet. Alos have you stopped having you period, because if you are trying to tell him to stop something that is harmless and natural, I would expect you to do the same thing to show you are capable of doing what you expect him to do. What you are really saying is that you use sex as a tool to manipulate, and feel like you are using power when he sexually pleases himself. Grow up and get over it.

- Response by juandontbeg, A Career Man, Male, 36-45, Self-Employed

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Not everything is about you. Sometimes he might just want a little him time.

- Response by cjnotoj, A Life of the Party, Male, 46-55, Norfolk, Who Cares?

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Laugh at him..then check out what he's checking out.

- Response by bikerchick1, A Life of the Party, Female, 36-45, Atlanta, Financial / Banking

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If he knows how you feel about it, then he shouldn't be doing it. To do it behind your back when he's promised not to is pretty disrespectful.

You need to decide what you can accept in a relationship and what you can't, then if he's not willing to provide that then you know that you can't be with him. Be honest with him about your needs, and ask if he can honestly fulfill that.

I wouldn't mind if he was looking at erotica, something you wouldn't feel was degrading or trashy, but porn is a different story. I personally wouldn't want my husband looking at it and he doesn't, but he sure as hell wouldn't be getting any from me if he chose to look at nasty internet whores.

I think it's a form of infidelity and disrespect to share your sexuality with images of other naked women whoring themselves out, not to mention that most porn is so trashy that I can't respect it or want to share my sexuality with a hard core porn fiend.

Looking a couple of times out of curiosity is pretty harmless, but if he's looking regularly and it bothers you, then talk to him about it. Don't feel obligated to be ok with it if you are not, he should respect and value you enough to respect your bounds of fidelity.

If he needs naked pictures to look at and it bothers you that he's looking at other naked women, give him some hot ones of yourself.

I know that a lot of people think porn is harmless, but it bothers just as many-as shown by the number of women on this site complaining about their s/o doing it. I don't know when or why it became the social norm, or why women are expected to all pretend that they are fine with it when they are not. People seem to be more accepting of women not wanting their s/o to leave the sock around than not wanting them to look at other naked women, or freak out about "emotional affairs"-which I personally don't think exist. We accept that some people wait until sex for marriage, or have open swinging relationships, and don't feel justified in pushing those values on others, but for some reason we're all supposed to be fine with porn because a bunch of other folks are. The fact is, if you're not o.k. with it, you should tell your partner and if he respects you he will refrain. Otherwise, you two should come to an agreement that you are both ok with, or find a partner who fits you better.







- Response by milla, A Thinker, Female, 36-45

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If it bothers you that much, then all you can do is try to convince him to stop.

But I urge you to think about it before being rash. Do you ever watch romance movies or read romance novels? It's the same thing; the female equivalent of porn. I can assure you from a male perspective, porn is not related to intimacy or relationships. While a porn addiction can be harmful, so can anything else: sex, food, alcohol, internet. Yet we don't say these things are bad because of that.

Porn is often, and unfortunately, used as a substitute for intimacy. Thus, I think it's much more important for someone to actually love their significant other than for them to simply supress the urges that they were born with.

- Response by greeeentea, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 26-28

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Just get a divorce now. If this is enough to end it wait till a real issue occurs. Don't have any kids thats for sure...

- Response by newnumbersguy32, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 36-45, Financial / Banking

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Porn is an appetite that many people of both genders enjoy purely for its own sake and have no reflection on their loved partner. Since you are so positively dogmatic and draconic on the matter, I wish to suggest that this relationship will not last long. Gee, what do you suppose your overreaction would be to a real problem that comes up.

- Response by gilpill, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 46-55, Chicago, Internet / New Media

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Sweetie, it's very normal for men--they are very visual creatures. Suggest watching it together!! That can be very hot!

However, some of the *newer stuff*...the golden showers, squirting, cumming on your face...if he wants to do stuff to you that makes you uncomfortable, then that's when you put a STOP to it.

Otherwise, try and watch some with him!! He'll love ya all the more!

- Response by laceylibra, A Cool Mom, Female, 56-65, Medical / Dental

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Well hun just a lil tip from what i have found out it aint bad try and join him with. Stupid to divorce over something so lil really my husband has pics he saves on his computer and at first it bothered me but know i just look to see what is catching his eye and i try and dress like he likes and do things to him that he fantasizes about. I watch and look with him but there is times he just wants to do it alone its a man thing not a big deal as long as he is satisfiying you then let him look. I have been married 11 years and just finding out what all my husband likes as well as him finding out what i have held back

- Response by A Cool Mom, Female, 29-35, Who Cares?

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