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Active Questions

Should I leave my wife?
Sex & Intimacy / 7:03 PM - Monday April 06, 2009

Should I leave my wife?

We have been married 14yrs and together 19yrs. We have two children. She is a good mother.
We have had issues in the bedroom the past 7yrs
I dont feel connected to her at all I dont even know when her period is. Sex has become less and less to where if I dont ask I dont get. When we do it feels like she is just laying there. I have one foot out the door. We have only had sex 3x for the year.

- Asked by tisdale, A Father Figure, Male, 46-55, Financial / Banking

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ok... i was the woman in that exact situation. I wasn't interested in sex with my husband and it was a chore. I was never really attracted to him once i grew up. We got together at 16 and by 20, the attraction was gone. I stuck it out for 15 years of marriage before i left.

I left but let me tell you... It's NOT an easy thing. You don't realize how hard it is to separate everything... cars, house, loans, pensions and stocks. It's been a year since i've left and we are still going through the divorse process. We haven't fought until just now. We are fighting over the kids now. If you leave her, you have to be prepared that you will more then likely lose that constant interaction with your kids and depending on their ages you may be down to every other weekend with them and paying out the wazoo for child support. You will also need to understand that the woman you married will NOT be the one you are divorsing. Claws will come out in places you didn't know she had. My best friend of 19 years was shocked at my husbands behavior. She was abused by her ex and my husband was a wuss and he acted worse during the divorse than her husband.

If you can get to counseling, DO IT! you have to leave ONLY as a LAST resort.

My huband and i were together 19 years and married 15 with two kids ages 16 and 13. I don't know your kids ages but on the rest we are in the same boat! It's just not as easy as walking out the door and not going back. I have met a great guy who is the guy of my dreams but he lives in RI and I in FL so now i have to deal with moving. My ex wants to move to TX if he gets a transfer their so we have to figure all that out with the kids. He wants to take them both and my son has a say and the judges don't like to separate so they might let my son speak for both of them. My son wants to go with his dad.

It's a nightmare! Please try EVERYTHING you can before leaving!

- Response by joent612, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Tampa, Administrative

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The question is: Do you still love her? If things changed in the bedroom would you change your mind? IF the answer to these 2 question's are that you do and yes...then you need to find a good marriage therapist. IF your wife is your age (36-45) she might be having hormonal problems and not her fault. Then she needs to find a good OBGYN. There are many things they can do to help her. I personally recommend a woman because I've been to many guy doc's and not one of them understood the hormone thing.

- Response by solstess, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Detroit, Artist / Musician / Writer

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She may have a hormone imbalance and be pre-menopausal. I'd ask her to look into that.

...try taking her out on dates and getting out of the house more... maybe even rent a hotel room so you're completely away from the kids...

Work together on some options before you end it.

- Response by snafu, A Career Woman, Female, 29-35, Toronto, Financial / Banking

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Well, there are definitely other problems in the marriage that is showing up in the lack of sex life. Normally one says that the partner who is holding back is very angry about something. You guys need to talk. Go as soon as you can (even to a sliding scale place) for immediate counceling. Don't throw away all those years and uproot your children's lives over this, if it can be fixed!!! Don't forget also that foreplay begins all day, not just when you have a hard on.

If the problem is not your lack of love and attention and romance, then try to think of what is holding her back. Did you cheat? Do you guys have a good communication going? Try, try and try some more. Too many people take the easy way out then regret it. You have a long history with this woman.

- Response by englishrose4945, A Life of the Party, Female, 66 or older, Miami, Alternative Medicine

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Youre keeping track of how many times you've had sex....that isn't good. Have you already left emotionally? If a woman thinks you've left emotionally, she tends to "leave" physically. If your marriage is important to you, then NO, YOU DON'T LEAVE YOUR WIFE.

Is there another woman who is giving you attention? I don't mean "are you having sex with someone else", but sometimes it is difficult to put 100% into your current relationship when there is another person who you don't have to try to hard with.

KNow why I ask all these things? My wife and I, together for 12 years, had a very similar situation as to the one you explained. I got tired of it....sick and tired of it....and told her "I was done" and explained how I felt. We needed some space apart from each other. However, now? She has renewed her vigor when it comes to sex and blows me away. She got so caught up in herself and the kids and life in general that she forgot me and honestly, I did with her too!

A good relationship is always worth the effort.

BTW....I am signing this anonymously as I don't want my wife to know my answer on this if she comes across the question. I am hoping she will answer it too, but I don't want to affect it!

- Response by A Mr. Married Guy, Male, 46-55, Medical / Dental

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The question is have you been doing anything to spice things up? You guys have been having sex for what I'm assuming is 19 years. Try putting the heat back into your sex life, or sitting down and talking to her about it. Personally, I'd try shocking her first... get the kids out of the house for the night, send them off to grandma's or something for the weekend, and either go get a nice hotel, or set the house up and romance her. Take her back to when you were courting her... reinact your first date or something like that. Or tell her you want to do something a little interesting and tell her to meet you at a bar, and you're going to pretend like you guys don't know each other... and your objective is to get her to go home with you. Or just cook a nice dinner, set out some candles, draw her a nice bath, and then take her to bed and try some new positions. Or take her hand one day, and guide her into a sex shop. You can also set up a pure romance night, and have a sex toy seller come to your place and set up a romantic evening to check things out. Honestly, it just sounds like she's bored. Do something out of the ordinary. My parents have been married for 25 years... and sex is the one thing they have never had a problem with because they experiment. Sit down and talk to her, and find out what's going on. Maybe there's a hormone imbalance she might need to get checked out for... but you've been together 19 years... sex can be fixed. Sit down and work this out with her, and don't be shy... express what you guys feel and what you need in bed. Maybe you'll find out she's been hiding a thing or two she's been wanting to try.

- Response by neuroticallyyours2005, A Creative, Female, 26-28, Artist / Musician / Writer

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Ok, I'm kind of an expert on this issue. I'll keep this short.

1) THE most important sexual organ is the brain. Grab her mind and her body will follow.

2) Foreplay is 24/7!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!

3) Women need to feel 'connected' (I know guy, it sucks, but this translates into communication...

4) The number ONE thing women want is: ATTENTION!

5) The woman has to RESPECT her man.

Yes, there is more, but hey, you're male so we cant count past one hand on women issues... ha ha ha...

Now, keep in mind: women teach us to lie to them, so start lying... tell her nice things, do nice things, etc...

1) Don't beg... she will have no respect
2) Think... what will grab her mind? helping with the kids... just doing something nice without sexual expectations.
3) 'Shake it up a bit'... take her for a couples massage, just give her a hug and tell her how much you appreciate her and her mothering. Change locations (hotel?). Role play: Costume, wig, etc.
4) Oh, I did say communication... make sure to discuss her passive aggressive or low self esteem issues before you waste time on this other stuff. SHE knows the answer, make sure she tells you what is going on... its YOUR marriage TOO!

- Response by mks4fun, A Guy Critical, Male, 46-55, Kansas City, Self-Employed

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- Response by godlovesu777, A Married Girl, Female, 36-45, Oklahoma City, Student

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why doesnt she leave you

- Response by A Father Figure, Male, 66 or older, Atlanta, Retired

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You both need councilling

- Response by duggers, A Guy Critical, Male, 66 or older

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