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No contact does NOT work
Dating / 2:49 PM - Saturday March 21, 2009

No contact does NOT work

This no-contact shit doesn't work.

We've been split for over 8 months now...he left me basically for some other girl he's now dating. Always practically begs to stay friends and says how much he enjoys talking to me, and we met for drinks once a month ago and everything went surprisingly well. I thought friends would work...but it doesnt for me, since I'm obviously still hurt.

I cut off contact and its been a month. Its SO hard, but I know its for the best. However, I thought no contact was suppose to help you get over them and get over the pain.

Its not working at all..I am dying to talk to him, and always wondering what he's up to.

Any success stories on no contact? Any advice? Should I just accept him as a friend and keep him in my life to make things easier???

- Asked by Female, 36-45

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No contact is hard but it is for the best now if he has moved on. Seeing him and remaining as friends would be a constant reminder and you are still trying to get over him. What you need to do is get busy with other things and not dwell on him, get rid of any remaining reminders of him, put it away in a box in your closet or toss them all together. Get involved with a new hobby or project, or volunteer to help others. Time will help ease the pain but seeing him will only make things harder for you to move on right now.

- Response by hulagirl55, A Sportif, Female, Who Cares?, Who Cares?

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If the benefits of staying his friend outweigh those of ending your friendship, then I think you should accept what he's offering. From what you've said, however, I get the impression that you're still hurting over what he did, so I'm not really sure how chilling with him and pretending like everything's good and the two of you are bffs (with no hard feelings) is going to help you overcome it. The whole concept behind no-contact is to allow a person time to get over the relationship, especially if things didn't end on good terms with their ex. You accepting him as a friend to keep him in your life seems almost counterproductive, since you still obviously have feelings for him. You won't be able to move past it if everytime you meet up is a reminder of what you had, only for the hard reality to hit that he's happily with someone else (whom he left you for).

- Response by outspokeyou, A Creative, Female, 22-25, Toronto, Who Cares?

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Community Rating: Community Star

It's only been one month, don't give up just yet. I ended a relationship some years ago in which I talked to and e-mailed with the man every day. It was excruciating not to speak to him or have any contact for that matter. I am not kidding when I tell you for no less than 2 years afterward, it hurt like mad. There wasn't a day that went by that I didn't think of him but I stayed the course and eventually I just didn't think about him as often and then the day came I didn't think of him at all. He contacted me about a year and a half ago and at that point I was strong enough to talk to him and I even saw him one time. That is when I realized I was finally over him and was able to move on.

Don't give up, it does work and hanging onto someone you know you shouldn't be with will prevent you from moving forward and finding The One that is right for you. I'm sorry you're going through this - I really wish I had the magic words to make this all better for you and take away your pain. It will happen in due time, you just have to be patient and know that this is all for a purpose and one day you will be glad you did.

- Response by meandmrjones, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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The things that matter aren't easy. No contact takes time, as does any grieving process. It will heal in its own time. I wish there was an easy short cut through your loss, but there isn't. Time will heal it... (((hugs)))

- Response by siouxzen, A Career Woman, Female, Who Cares?, Los Angeles, Self-Employed

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It does
esspecially when you really dont want to talk to that person
works great
trust me

- Response by vank356, A Guy Critical, Male, 56-65, Technical

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no contacts since a month and u expect wonders???? i am surprised that you even spoke to him and met him over have lowered your self esteem to a level which would be more hurting to you in the long run......choose between your love and ur this case i would contacts means no interest.....and let me tell you no contact really works but for women who follow all the other rules as well and not a needy woman.

- Response by lostindaworld, A Hippie Chick, Female, 29-35

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Keep up the no contact. All talking to him does is prolong your pain.
If he wanted you in his life that much then he would be with you instead of her.
I broke up with no contact with several. Worked every time, just takes time.

- Response by A Creative, Female, 46-55, Who Cares?

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Absolutely not. You are doing the right thing. Find other things to keep your mind off of him. I broke up with my b/f of 5years. He asked if we could be friends, and I said NO. There was no way I could be a friend with someone I onced loved so much. I didn't call or text after 4 months he came back, wanting to get back together. And I ultimately did. But I think it was because I was able to move on that made him realize that hmmm, maybe I cain't live without her. Keep being strong you can do it. Just picture him kissing and loving on the other woman, you don't want her seconds. You can do it.

- Response by A Career Woman, Female, 46-55, Los Angeles, Financial / Banking

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I'm so sorry you're going through does suck. What you need to do now is break your "addiction" to thinking about him.
You have to get outta that habit! There is more than one special person for any of us, and if your thoughts are wrapped up in him, you are not leaving room to appreciate another's energy. I highly recommend reading Louise Hay, You Can Heal Your Life, and also check out a suprisingly simple treatment called EFT or "tapping" at Really put some time and attention into these, and I think you will start to feel better. Best wishes to you!

- Response by painterose, A Creative, Female, 56-65, Toronto, Self-Employed

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I tried, and it was tougher than nails...4 months, and really hard...then back and forth, and then another 4 months. :(

I think the thing that made it hard for me, is that he didn't move on either...if he had, maybe that would've forced me to. Many times I wished he had moved on...I don't deal with this too much anymore...

But...he "is" still a friend in my life. I know "we'll" never be...and I've been thankful for his friendship...but its been 4 years now (since we broke up) you really want to go through this?

- Response by mamom04, A Sweet Sarah, Female, 56-65, Phoenix

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A-aa, nope. No contact does work in the end. Much better than paining yourself with seeing him. The thing is, when you lose a bf, you lose a lot of the activety you used to have in your life, and this gap needs to be filled with new things. Stay strong and do not see him, and start doing lots of things for YOU! Good luck!

- Response by klaxometro, An Alternative Girl, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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I know it's hard, but stick with it. Trust me, it's the best in the end. I've been there and the grass is greener on the other side, you'll be happy you stuck it out.

- Response by A Sweet Sarah, Female, 29-35, Teaching

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yes, me. you need to start up contact with your friends and family and pick up a hobby. once you fill the time, you no longer want to call that other person. and for gods sake, DON'T accept one of his calls. its like falling off the wagon from booze or taking a puff on a cigaretter after going cold turkey for years. DON'T DO IT!

you don't have to be friends. just ex's. and ex's don't NEED to keep in contact, go out for drinks, talk about their sex lives to each other OR be intimate again.

- Response by pizzatroll, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 46-55, Science / Engineering

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Neither is easy. It's better to have no contact at all. You will have to work really hard at busying yourself with work, hobbies, meet new people. He's dating someone and still wants to see you for drinks?! How long were you together? Do you want him back? It's normal to be attracted to other people, even if you are in a relationship. Accept it but don't act on it. He left you for another! So what was he up to?? Was he honest about it from the very beginning and told you he had met someone? Or was it out of the blue? Did he wait until he had a sure thing with her and then let you go? If he did the latter then, he does not deserve any friendship from you. As I said. It happens. People can meet and me attracted to other people. It's good for our egos. But do you risk what you have. Is the grass always greener. He's keeping you warm, just in case. Does the new lady even know he's met you for drinks? Think about it. It hurts, I know.

- Response by lilithbe, A Creative, Female, 46-55

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No contact has work for me, I really recomend it but is hard some days you feel strong and others you feel sad again, but I don´t let myself go down. If you continue obsesing over him you probably need therapy, but for what I read you are just in one of those days that you see everything black, remember the pain will go away if you wan to.
Keep him in your life if you want to continue to suffer or feel like you do right now.

- Response by scandia, A Thinker, Female, 36-45

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Not talking to him is excruciating I'm sure I've been there... but so is talking to him. I broke up with an ex a year ago and we were sleeping together for months after that and it was horrible. I couldn't get over him until I started dating my current bf. For me the only way to stop thinking about one guy is to be with someone else- even if it isn't serious. It's not fair to you to give him the benefit of your friendship and not the rest of it when that's what you want from him. Don't give him that power, if I could change what I did last year I would do everything completely differently.

- Response by lolllaa, A Thinker, Female, 26-28, Toronto

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No contact does work. It will seems really hard at first, but it definitely gets easier. Every time you think about talking to him, call up an older friend. I had this guy who got this girl pregnant while we were going out. I was heart devastated. I cut all communication with him. It took a while but I got over him.

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 29-35

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geez..been there..done that..quit it girl..move on..if he has some respect for you, he would not have cheated on you..and ass, he still ask for your friendship?..

moving on doesnt take a month or so, but it doesnt take forever too to forget you know? strong..know whats for you..know what you really want and need..go someone..have a life without him..get out of the world you've created with him..

there's a lot of fish in the ocean, you know..

- Response by beautyandmadness, A Player, Female, 26-28, Fashion

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well you have to get over him some way because he moved on so think of his girl now.. speaking from experience because my bf is still friends with his ex and talks to her and about her so he never has time to move on because he still has contact so if u want to get over him cut off all contact but if not then ur going to have to live with that pain cuz everytime u see him or talk to him that is what he will remind u of pain!! good luck!!

- Response by arabrose12356, A Trendsetter, Female, 22-25, Cleveland

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My theory is that people obsess about the past when not enough good things are going on in the present. I think you should force yourself to go out and engage in life more. Start an exercise program, take classes, join a club, go out more with friends, try a new hobby...

- Response by bailarenfuego, A Guy Critical, Male, 46-55, Technical

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I was with my guy for 19 months and when we first broke up, we agreed to remain friends and to talk to each other, regardless of what happened between us, we wanted to continue being friends...well, we continued to talk after we broke up and it just made it harder for me to move on because I still had contact with him and still had hope we would get back together...I finally realized that if I was going to move forward and accept that we weren't together anymore, I had to stop contact because being around him and trying to be friends wasn't something I was ready for...this could be the same for you and that's probably why you are having a hard time when you don't talk to him because he has been a part of your life and it's always hard to work through issues that have been a part of your life...give yourself the chance to work through your emotions before you try being friends with him again because you need to be strong and able to accept that you aren't together anymore...and most importantly, give it some time because it's not always simple to lose someone important in your life...:D

- Response by fastball, A Cool Mom, Female, 36-45, Edmonton, Self-Employed

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I, think the only thing that helps is getting on with your life and time. This happened to me about 8 months ago. I was crazy about a man I had dated for 6 months. After I was able to step back and look at the relationship I realized he was not Mr. Right but I was so caught up in him I couldn't see the whole picture. He has continued calling me every week, wants to be friends and I am now able to see him just as a friend. And really I am seeing I like him better as a friend than a boyfriend. Oh, when I decided to get on eith my life an amazing man came along and I am taking things slower with him.... GOOD LUCK!

- Response by A Player, Female, 56-65, Self-Employed

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I've always found it easier to keep in contact, know that I can ring if I want to, and know that we are still friends. Whenever I have tried no contact, it just kills me, and makes me miss him so much more. I don't think no contact always works, it depends on the person. For some, it is easier to stay in touch.

- Response by sunset77, A Sweet Sarah, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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I say no contact is best, but it take more than just a month to get over someone you cared about. Keeping him as a friend wont make your life easier if you are still pinning for him. Cut him off, and get real busy in something else.

- Response by bikermommy, A Thinker, Female, 36-45

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Men want all women to continue to feel in love with them. They will keep them at arms length to feed their egos. Friends? What is a true friend? Does he care about how you feel about being replaced by someone else? No. It is his own ego that he wants you in his life. It keeps you from finding someone else who would be true to you and be better for you. You still hold out hope for the relationship with him, but do you really want someone back who would cheat on you? He would do it again, and again....If you really knew the truth about why he still wants to be friends and his real motives, you probably would not respect this man anymore. You need someone who you respect and trust and who treats you the same way.

- Response by A Sportif, Female, 46-55

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no contact works, trust me it has work for me... It will just take time. Just stick to it and stay busy. Hope this helps... Best of luck

- Response by nuelalinen52, A Thinker, Female, 29-35

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No contact is NOT working for me. It may work for some. The point I thought of no contact is to have no new pain from new contact. But the fact is it does not erase the love shared, nor the pain caused by the loss or stop you from thinking about someone who you truly loved. It actually feels worse than some limited contact in a lot of ways to me. But I decided to go this route as I felt my x was being deceptive and making me feel as if he wanted a reconciliation while he was trying to begin with someone else. Each situation is different and I know many people do get over someone with NC. For me I feel horrible with C or with NC and my feelings are not changing/evolving.

- Response by A Creative, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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No contact is NOT working for me. It may work for some. The point I thought of no contact is to have no new pain from new contact. But the fact is it may do this but it does not erase the love shared, nor the pain caused by the loss nor stop you from thinking about someone who you truly loved.

It actually feels worse than some limited contact in a lot of ways to me. But I decided to go this route as I felt my x was being deceptive in making me feel as if he wanted a reconciliation while he was trying to begin with someone else.

Each situation is different and I know many people do get over someone with NC. I feel horrible with C or with NC and my feelings are not changing/evolving with NC and dating.

- Response by 78910, A Creative, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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