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Why does my ex-boyfriend insist on being friends?
Dating / 8:12 AM - Wednesday March 11, 2009

why does my ex-boyfriend insist on being friends?

My ex and I broke up four months ago. He lied about several things, so therefore, I couldn't trust him anymore, so I broke things off. He still insists that we maintain a friendship; in fact, he's friends with nearly every girl he's dated.
The thing is, I don't want to be friends with, and I've told him this several times. I've been nice and not-so-nice. Since I can't trust him, why would I want to be friends with him? He has a new girlfriend already and I really have a problem with him calling and trying to confide things in me and I don't think she would like it either.
Since I don't answer my cell phone when he calls, he's started to dial my work number and leave messages. I last talked to him about three weeks ago and said, very firmly, "I do not want to talk to you. Please leave me alone. I do not want to be friends with you." To which he replied, "Well, you've given me several hints that you don't want to be friends with me, but I've pretty much ignored them I guess." The last thing he said to me was, "Just because I'm not calling you anymore (as if it was HIS idea), doesn't mean I don't care about you...I really do care about you." I replied, "No, you don't care, because if you did, you wouldn't have lied to me."
He started calling again yesterday. What's his problem?

- Asked by Female, 29-35

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In some relationships it is natural to be friends after the breakup. You were together for a reason. In this instance it sounds like there could be a few reasons why he is pursuing a friendship with you. A) he thought you would deal with his lies and he really is not ready to loose you B) he needs to keep you as a friend to prove to himself that he is a likable guy and he really didn't do anything wrong, C)By keeping you close there is still a chance you may get back with him....even if only for sex. Men, just like women, want to be wanted. Having friends of the opposite sex may be innocent but to a third party it makes the person look desirable. By what you have said it sounds like he "needs" to keep you around for one reason or another, and by you answering the phone and telling him to stop calling...he is still getting your attention. Best thing to do is planned ignoring. Don't answer, don't engage in any interaction if you "really" want him to go away. If you find it hard to do that, then you subconsciously might want him to stick around for your ego's sake.

- Response by crickitt25, A Creative, Female, 29-35, Other Profession

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In HIS mind---he doesn't want to accept full responsibility for his actions, so by pretending that everything is "nice" and that he's "the good guy", he can gloss over your pain.

You're right to want to end it and move on without him clutching at you and trying to make you behave in a way that shores up his masked behavior. It sounds like you've done so with a lot of class.

- Response by cardinalis, A Thinker, Female, Who Cares?, Who Cares?

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His problem is that he can't stand the thought of not being liked by someone; anyone. You are handling it right--you may have to step it up a notch though. Don't worry about being rude or hurting his feelings. People like him just don't get it. And don't engage with him anymore. Notice how when you replied to him ("no you don't care...") he took that as a green light to continue talking to you. He has to have the last word and, again, he can't stand the idea of someone ignoring him. He MAY even be a narcissist.

- Response by makinit40, A Cool Mom, Female, 46-55, Self-Employed

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It sounds to me as though he is trying to redeem hiself by staying "friends" with you. Maybe he believes that if he can remain your friend that it somehow will undo the bad things he has done to you in the past. If he is still friends with all of his ex-girlfriends and you are the only one to say no to a friendship then he might see this as a challenge because he isn't used to rejection. It might just be a control issue on his part. I would stay firm in my decision to not be friends. Sometimes you have to put things in perspective for them and be a little harsh. Explain to the guy that he lied to you which makes you not trust him and that you don't want someone like that in your life. Let him know that you know what you want and he isn't it, not even as a friend. Be firm, stand your ground and he should get the picture eventually. If not, check into getting a restraining order or some sort of harrassment charges. Good luck!

- Response by sassyredhead, A Married Girl, Female, 36-45, Managerial

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He was the reason for the break-up, and probably he can't stand the thought of someone (especially u) not liking him or something.....it's all about the ego for some guys.....
Next time he gets u on the phone at work somehow, just hang up.... don't even bother to say anything.. not even "stop calling"..... he needs to be completely ignored.....
What a jerk..... sounds like u are WAY better off without him..
Good luck..

- Response by bluzone123, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, New York

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I am with you, I don't want to be friends with an ex even if we parted on good terms. They are part of my past and I want them to stay there. Just ignore him until he gets the message, do not respond to him at all. Do not even answer his calls. If he is a sane normal man he will leave you alone. Good luck.

- Response by mallowcup, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Self-Employed

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I've got 2 words for you.. Restraining order!! This guy is not leaving you alone, even after you have told him to stop calling you.. So it is probably a good idea to get someone else involved.

- Response by yankeegirl47, A Life of the Party, Female, 29-35, Managerial

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