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My boyfriend has hurt me numerous times in the past & I can't seem to get over it, what do I do?
Sex & Intimacy / 6:08 PM - Saturday February 28, 2009

My boyfriend has hurt me numerous times in the past & I can't seem to get over it, what do I do?

Me and my boyfriend have been dating for a little over 3 1/2 years since I was 17 and he was 16, so we basically grew up together. We never went to the same high school or even lived in the same town, so I was never really close with his group of friends. I was never the jealous girlfriend type either; he would call, text, and even hang out with his friends that were girls (girls who I didn't really know none the less) and had no problem with it because I completely trusted him. The first year of our relationship was great and we were totally in love, but then towards the end of our second year together, I began to find out that our relationship was not as perfect as I thought it was. I found out through his best friend's girlfriend that he had crossed the line with a girl he was friends with from school. I gave him the opportunity to come clean about it before accusing him of anything, but he looked me straight in the eye and denied everything. He only admitted to doing it once I confronted him about it, but he swore that he didn't exactly "cheat on me" but he did admit to letting things get too far with the girl. I was eventually able to forgive him and get passed it, not realizing that there was only more to come. A couple months later after that incident, he and I were randomly talking about this girl he use to have a huge crush on. I knew he had a crush on her before we started going out, but me not being the jealous girlfriend type, I didn't mind that he hung out with her because he assured me that he was over it. I had asked him once before, if anything ever happened between him and the girl, and he told me nothing ever happened. But for some reason during our talk, I felt an intuitive feeling to ask him about it again, and this time he actually admitted that they hooked up in the beginning of our relationship. Again, I was so disappointed in him, and was really hurt. However, I was so in love with him because other than these incidences, he was a really good boyfriend; and so I managed to forgive him again. And after this happened, everything was going really well for a while, until I got another slap in the face. Ever since we started dating, I made it clear to him, that I wasn't into guys that do drugs and he made it clear to me that he wasn't into that either. I also made a point that if he ever did make a mistake with drugs that I would want him to be honest about it with me. However, a couple months ago, I found out that during our relationship, he had experimented with drugs and that he had been hiding it from me. I wasn't upset that he experimented with them because I know everyone is not perfect and people do make mistakes; I was more upset about the fact that he hid it from me, like he had with everything else. And this time, I was determined not give in. But in talking to him, he said that when he did this along with all the other things in the first 2 years of our relationship, that he was still in the process of growing up. I understood what he meant and somehow forgave him AGAIN. But now that we have been together for 3 1/2 years I haven't managed to be able to fully trust him again. I can't decide whether I'm being a push over, or if I'm just being too hard on him and should forget about everything that he did in the past since it happened so long ago. Since I have found out about all of these things, it's been really hard for me not to worry when he goes out to parties and/or hangs out with girls. I always have these thoughts in the back of my mind that he is going to do something that will hurt me and that he will just hid it from me like he has done in the past. I try so hard to get over it, but it has been over a year and these feelings will just not go away. I try not to let these feelings show because I don't want him to get mad since he feels as though I should be over it. I agree with him that other than these incidences, he has been a great boyfriend and he has showed me that he can be trustworthy. I just don't know if I should give it more time, or if maybe we should break up because a relationship cannot work if you can't trust one another, even if you love one another. So if anyone can give me some advice, I would appreciate it.

- Asked by Female, 26-28

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In many languages, the fundamental unit of

composition is the paragraph. A paragraph consists

of several sentences that are grouped together. This

group of sentences together discuss one main

subject. In U.S. formal academic English, paragraphs

have three principal parts. These three parts are

the topic sentence, body sentences, and the

concluding sentence. We will also talk briefly about

details in paragraphs.


The Topic Sentence

A topic sentence usually comes at the beginning of a

paragraph; that is, it is usually the first sentence

in a formal academic paragraph. (Sometimes this is

not true, but as you practice writing with this

online lesson site, please keep to this rule unless

you are instructed otherwise.) Not only is a topic

sentence the first sentence of a paragraph, but,

more importantly, it is the most general sentence in

a paragraph. What does "most general" mean? It means

that there are not many details in the sentence, but

that the sentence introduces an overall idea that

you want to discuss later in the paragraph.

For example, suppose that you want to write a

paragraph about the natural landmarks of your

hometown. The first part of your paragraph might

look like this:


My hometown is famous for several amazing natural

features. First, it is noted for the Wheaton River,

which is very wide and beautiful. Also, on the other

side of the town is Wheaton Hill, which is unusual

because it is very steep.

(Notice how the first sentence begins with "My

hometown..." a few spaces to the right of the

paragraph edge. This is an indentation. All

paragraphs in English MUST begin with an

indentation.)

Note how the first sentence, My hometown, Wheaton,

is famous for several amazing geographical

features,is the most general statement. This

sentence is different from the two sentences that

follow it, since the second and third sentences

mention specific details about the town's geography,

and are not general statements.

Here are some examples of sentences that cannot be

used as topic sentences. Can you figure out why they

are inappropriate?


1. My hometown is famous because it is located by

Wheaton River, which is very wide, and because it is

built near an unusually steep hill called Wheaton

Hill.

2. There are two reasons why some people like to buy

cars with automatic transmission and two reasons why

others like cars with manual transmission.

3. Clouds are white.

The problem with sentence #1 is that it contains too

many details. Topic sentences are general, and

details should appear later in the paragraph. A

better topic sentence would be like the one

mentioned above, My hometown is famous for several

amazing geographical features.

Sentence #2 is not appropriate as a topic sentence

because it mentions two topics, not just one.

Paragraphs are usually about one main thing and so

their topic sentences should also be about only one

main thing.

The problem with sentence #3 is that it is

toogeneral. It is also very boring! Would you like

to read a paragraph with this topic sentence? Most

people would not.

We can rewrite sentences #2 and #3 in the following

ways to make it better:


* There are two reasons why some people like to buy

cars with automatic transmission.








OR (in a different paragraph):


* There are two reasons why some people like cars

with manual transmission.

* The shapes of clouds are determined by various

factors.

Supporting Sentences

Consider again the above-mentioned, short paragraph:

My hometown, Wheaton, is famous for several amazing

natural features. First, it is noted for the Wheaton

River, which is very wide and beautiful. Also, on

the other side of the town is Wheaton Hill, which is

unusual because it is very steep.

(Again, note how this paragraph is indented on the

first line, about five or seven spaces in from the

left-hand edge of the paragraph. Always remember to

indent your paragraphs!)

When a reader reads a topic sentence, such as My

hometown, Wheaton, is famous for several amazing

natural features,a question should usually appear in

the reader's mind. In this case, the question should

be like, "What are the natural features that make

Wheaton famous?" The reader should then expect that

the rest of the paragraph will give an answer to

this question.

Now look at the sentences after the topic sentence.

We can see that the second sentence in the

paragraph, First, it is noted for the Wheaton River,

which is very wide and beautiful,indeed gives an

answer to this question. That is, the second

sentence gives some explanation for the fact that

Wheaton is a famous town. Similarly, we can see that

the third sentence also gives some explanation for

the fact that Wheaton is famous by giving another

example of an "amazing natural feature," in this

case, Wheaton Hill.

The second and third sentences are called supporting

sentences. They are called "supporting" because they

"support," or explain, the idea expressed in the

topic sentence. Of course, paragraphs in English

often have more than two supporting ideas. The

paragraph above is actually a very short paragraph.

At minimum, you should have at least five to seven

sentences in your paragraph. Here we can see our

paragraph about Wheaton with a few more supporting

sentences in bold font:


My hometown is famous for several amazing natural

features. First, it is noted for the Wheaton River,

which is very wide and beautiful. Also, on the other

side of the town is Wheaton Hill, which is unusual

because it is very steep. The third amazing feature

is the Big Old Tree. This tree stands two hundred

feet tall and is probably about six hundred years

old.

In this lesson, we will talk about supporting

sentences again in the section, "Details in

Paragraphs," below.


The Concluding Sentence

In formal paragraphs you will sometimes see a

sentence at the end of the paragraph which

summarizes the information that has been presented.

This is the concluding sentence. You can think of a

concluding sentence as a sort of topic sentence in

reverse.

You can understand concluding sentences with this

example. Consider a hamburger that you can buy at a

fast-food restaurant.* A hamburger has a top bun (a

kind of bread), meat, cheese, lettuce, and other

elements in the middle of the hamburger, and a

bottom bun. Note how the top bun and the bottom bun

are very similar. The top bun, in a way, is like a

topic sentence, and the bottom bun is like the

concluding sentence. Both buns "hold" the meat,

onions, and so on. Similarly, the topic sentence and

concluding sentence "hold" the supporting sentences

in the paragraph. Let's see how a concluding

sentence (in bold font) might look in our sample

paragraph about Wheaton:

My hometown is famous for several amazing natural

features. First, it is noted for the Wheaton River,

which is very wide and beautiful. Also, on the other

side of the town is Wheaton Hill, which is unusual

because it is very steep. The third amazing feature

is the Big Old Tree. This tree stands two hundred

feet tall and is probably about six hundred years

old. These three landmarks are truly amazing and

make my hometown a famous place.

Notice how the concluding sentence, These three

landmarks are truly amazing and make my hometown a

famous place,summarizes the information in the

paragraph. Notice also how the concluding sentence

is similar to, but not exactly the same as, the

topic sentence.

Not all academic paragraphs contain concluding

sentences, especially if the paragraph is very

short. However, if your paragraph is very long, it

is a good idea to use a concluding sentence.


Details in Paragraphs

The short paragraph in this lesson is a fairly

complete paragraph, but it lacks details. Whenever

possible, you should include enough details in your

paragraphs to help your reader understand exactly

what you are writing about. In the paragraph about

Wheaton, three natural landmarks are mentioned, but

we do not know very much about them. For example, we

could add a sentence or two about Wheaton river

concerning HOW wide it is or WHY it is beautiful.

Consider this revision (and note the additional

details in bold):


My hometown is famous for several amazing natural

features. First, it is noted for the Wheaton River,

which is very wide and beautiful. On either side of

this river, which is 175 feet wide, are many willow

trees which have long branches that can move

gracefully in the wind. In autumn the leaves of

these trees fall and cover the riverbanks like

golden snow. Also, on the other side of the town is

Wheaton Hill, which is unusual because it is very

steep. Even though it is steep, climbing this hill

is not dangerous, because there are some firm rocks

along the sides that can be used as stairs. There

are no trees around this hill, so it stands clearly

against the sky and can be seen from many miles

away. The third amazing feature is the Big Old Tree.

This tree stands two hundred feet tall and is

probably about six hundred years old. These three

landmarks are truly amazing and make my hometown a

famous place.

If we wished, we could also add more details to the

paragraph to describe the third natural feature of

the area, the Big Old Tree.

Why are details important? Consider the example of

the hamburger, mentioned above.* If the hamburger

buns are the topic and concluding sentences, then

the meat, the cheese, the lettuce, and so on are the

supporting details. Without the food between the

hamburger buns, your hamburger would not be very

delicious! Similarly, without supporting details,

your paragraph would not be very interesting.


A Note on Formality. In addition to having a

particular kind of structure, academic paragraphs

(and multi-paragraph essays, which will be topic of

another lesson) are different from "ordinary

writing" (such as letter writing) in that certain

kinds of expressions are not allowed. For example,

in formal essays, you should not use contractions

such as don't or aren't. Instead, you should write

out the words in full, for example, do not and are

not.

Also, in formal essays you should avoid the first

and second person. That is, do not use the pronouns

I or you. The pronouns we and us are sometimes used

in formal essays in some major fields, but in

general you should not use these unless you are

certain that they are customary in your field and/or

your professor allows them. It is safer simply to

use the third person.




Next lesson: capitalization.


- Response by llafsroh, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 46-55, Boston, Science / Engineering

Rating Received:


Take no notice of llafsroh, paragraphs were meant to be huge...:) IJS


- Response by bluegenel, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, Who Cares?, Technical

Rating Received:


I think you very much answered your own question with your own response. Without trust, you don't have a relationship, even if there is love. Sometimes love just isn't enough to get past all the lies, cheating, and whatever else that aids in damaging trust. I think you need to go with your feelings and not try to avoid them. You can either have a heart to heart with him about how you feel or just break up for a while to see what happens.

- Response by anotherheartbreakinthemakes, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, New Orleans, Who Cares?

Rating Received:


You ask whether you're being too harsh in not fully trusting him again. But the thing is, you are not consciously choosing not to trust him, you simply CAN NOT trust him- and for a logical reason, he has betrayed you time and time again. He has to earn your trust back and he hasn't done this.
This is my philosophy on betrayal within relationships: If you do not make a stand against it, you are saying, "I do not deserve a relationship with someone who is honest and trustworthy."- Do you really believe that?
If you don't believe it, and I hope you don't, please, leave him. You've toiled enough to rebuild your relationship each time he knocks it down and he will not stop the destruction until you become too exhausted to fight for your love.

- Response by scar1etstar1et, An Alternative Girl, Female, 22-25, Therapist

Rating Received: