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How do I tell my 19 yo daugher her boyfriend's a jerk and to dump him without saying it.
Dating / 9:06 PM - Monday February 23, 2009

How do I tell my 19 yo daugher her boyfriend's a jerk and to dump him without saying it.

My daughter and I have a really good relationship and we talk about almost everything. So when she talks to me about her relationship problems I handle it the same way I would a friend, I don't get too involved, don't give too much advise. I listen and let her talk it out, but she isn't a friend and the "problems" they have are becoming way too consuming for a girl her age. they want to spend more time together (both students in different schools with jobs) but he is never flexible in the plans and then make her feel guilty when she isn't flexible. She makes plans he breaks them. Then there is the whole who were you with last nite when you didn't answer your cell. But anyone with female teenagers know that as soon as you forbid something, that is exactly when they decide that is exactly what they need to do or they will die.

- Asked by A Creative, Female, 36-45, Political / Government

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Buy the books "He's Just Not That Into You" and "Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives" and have her read them. I know she's an adult and you can't control her anymore, but maybe she'll heed your advice.

- Response by msadvise, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Transportation

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I have been in these types of situations, but not with a child. I have had girlfriends who complained, but I knew wouldn't take my advice. You know what I did?

I simply asked them "How does that make you feel when he does that?"

I FORCED them to verbalize their feelings. If you notice, she probably talks more about the logistics of what has happened and not her feelings.

Once she starts being open about her feelings, probe more..

Would you do that to someone you respected?
Does he listen when you talk to him?
Do you feel things will ever change?

Se...you aren't telling her anything...you are just leading her down the path.

Good luck.


- Response by myndseye711, A Cool Mom, Female, 29-35

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As a mother who has 2 daugthers, one 25 now, and the other is 18. We as mothers never know what we are talking about, so they think. :) The problem comes when we try to protect them, so they wont go through the pain we entailed. The conclusion is, that we cant. :) We can lend a listening ear, but unless it involves abuse, we cant make a difference, and sometimes even with abuse, they dont seem to care what we're saying. Be there for her, and allow her to see for herself. As much as it will hurt you watching, if you try to get to involved, she will turn on you, and run to him. Just sit back and enjoy a cup of coffee, and be there to sooth her pain, never saying I told you so.

- Response by mzzbrown1, A Cool Mom, Female, 46-55, Sacramento, Transportation

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Well, then don't forbid her, but just tell her what you think. Just tell her that he's being a jerk, and every time she tells you about something he did wrong, just let her know that that is unacceptable, and maybe remind her what he SHOULD have done, and maybe she will start to realize on her own. She may already know things are bad, but if she thinks her mother doesn't see a problem she might just think she's imagining it.

- Response by mousepad, A Creative, Female, 26-28, Student

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you cant say anything but just give advice on certain situations and the out comes. ... and no matter how much u want to ,dont bash him because it wont work or help i should know im going thru the same thing with my sons girlfriend, shes rude to him doesnt like to spend no time at our house, always has to be at her house, he goes thru alot of emotions which he doesnt need to be , hes only 16yrs old, but you have to be patient and hope that they will here some of what you have to say and use the advice and see what they r doing?

- Response by babygirlronda, A Life of the Party, Female, 36-45, San Antonio, Other Profession

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Even the best of friends sometimes have to say the most difficult of things. You're her mother and her friend; tell her why you don't think she should go out with him. Tell her about the problems you're noticing; and tell her that as someone who knows her well (after all you better than anyone get to claim your knowledge of her) your true feelings. My best friends tell me like it is, whether or not I like it. Often it's what I need to hear rather than what I want to hear. BTW, I count my mom as one of those friends, I know she's always going to tell me straight, that's what I love best about talking to her. She's thinking about me, and what's good for me. She knows me best since she watched me grow up and form my personality.

- Response by lioness21, A Player, Female, 29-35, Consulting

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I will be 21 soon and when i was 18 and 19 dated this guy that wasnt a bad guy at all but my parents hated the guy and at the time i would get really mad anytime my mom would say anything and we have always had a great relationship i can talk to her about anything she is like my best friend but what finally got me really reconcidering the relationship was when she would make me think about what i wanted for my future and if being with him would make me happy and offered support regardless of what i chose

- Response by missvannahsunshine, A Sweet Sarah, Female, 26-28, Other Profession

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sign her up for that MTV show parental control..

- Response by A Trendsetter, Female, 29-35, Miami, Student

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sometimes you just can't help they need to make the mistake for themselfs and i know you don't want her to resent you but stay on her ass about it but like i said she just may need to make the mistake my mom did the same thing with my sister now my sister of course belives my mom but there were extremly close and she still didn't listen to her she relized on her own that the guy was a jerk when she met a great guy who treated her with respect instead of the jerk who was well a jerk good luck......

- Response by 420weedgodess420, A Trendsetter, Female, 22-25, Vancouver, Student

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you simply cant.with my daughters i answered direct questions directly. but to their open ended complaints i simply answered that they know they deserved better than that and should want more for themselves then what they are settling for

- Response by bhindth8ball, A Thinker, Female, 46-55

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the next time she brings up something negative that he did or said to her just tell her that you honestly cant see her being with him for too long because she is too mature for him. mkae her feel like she is better then him without putting him down or she WILL get defensive. tell her that she needs her freedom and deserves it at her age. something like " hunny your like me and you like to live your own life how you want to, you cant be with some one who doesnt support you...your just to mature for him"
thats what my mom said and hell if i was gona take her advice at first but when time past i realize how right she was

- Response by lovegames89, A Life of the Party, Female, 22-25, Toronto

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If this helps when I would talk about my boyfriend and my mother didn't like him she would just comment back with things like "hmmm." I could tell she dissaproved. Then I would ask her and she'd say "Honey...it's your life." ANd that's what it comes down to. It's her life, she has to have her own triumphs...and mistakes, to learn what is best for her.

- Response by sweetmama247, A Sweet Sarah, Female, 29-35, Buffalo, Home Maker

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She has to learn on her own, so she has to figure it out on her own. She may learn the hard way.

- Response by chessplayer, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 36-45, Administrative

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i have a teen daughter and teen son and congrats on your good relationship, except she is not your friend. She is your daughter and it is your job to guide her through these times and help her to make SMART decisions and realize that she deserves better in life. Tell her what YOU would do in that situation. I watch tv shows with my kids and point out stupid things people do and when they are treated poorly or when they are treated well and speak my opinion on what I would do in such situations. She is looking to yuo for guidance and at 19 you can't forbid her anyhow. Just tell her you honest opinion. She will thank you for it later. Just do it gently and with love.

- Response by atenderheart42, A Sweet Sarah, Female, 46-55, Who Cares?

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If he says that to her about not answering the phone she needs to ask him if he has ever missed answering the phone. She needs to ask him why he is not flexible and she is. She needs to tell him she didn't answer the phone because she was with Dennis Rodman and was a bit busy. Play his card. Make him stick up for his attitude. She needs someone that respects her not a jerk that accuses her of things she is not doing.

- Response by dreamdancer, A Creative, Female, 36-45, Houston, Other Profession

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I just gave Mindseye a star vote!

One thing you can do is take a tip from the dating gurus, when they talk about "boyfriend destroyer" techniques:
NEVER tell her what a jerk her boyfriend is; instead, play him up as a wonderful, SWEET, Nice Guy. Know what being a "Nice Guy" actually means to a girl: harmless, superficial, and NO attraction chemistry. Do not give your daughter validation by agreeing when she whines and complains about his jerkoid behaviour. When she does that, turn it around and tell her what a lovely boy he is, and how much you approve.

- Response by chesterdad, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 56-65, San Francisco

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I dated an absolute jerk from 16-19. Now that I'm older and wiser..and since my mom and I have always had a very open relationship, we've talked about how hard it was for her to sit back all those years and watch somebody treat me so badly. It must have been so hard on her, but she knew I had to figure it out for myself. On the many, many nights i would come to her crying - like when he never showed for the birthday dinner I made him, or when I ran into another girl who also said she was dating him (yah, I was that stupid)...she would only tell me that any boy who makes you cry is not worth the salt in your tears.

As hard as it must be, the only thing you can do is try to be a friendly voice of reason. The hard lesson she will learn from this experience will stay with her the rest of her life. When she finally comes that conclusion you have to refrain from the "i told you so" statements and just reassure her how she is that much closer to finding someone who is really right for her. Good luck!

- Response by A Creative, Female, 22-25, Chicago, Who Cares?

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Mum u can see whats going on Your daughter cannot see what u see clearly. U cannot ask your daughter to just stop seeing the jerk cause u think its best and without any explanation.. U need to explain why and how u see it. She also has do it herself. Have u spent time with the young man and do u know abit about him or just going by your daughters behaviour?

- Response by berri, A Career Woman, Female, 46-55, New South Wales, Who Cares?

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i told my daughter her boyfriend was a jerk,she was 18 and was trying too fix him ,after 5 years she decided he was not changing.she kicked him out.

- Response by bluebird300, A Creative, Female, 46-55, Pittsburgh, Farming

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Yes, I can see how you would have to proceed carefully. If the two of you have a very close relationship then I would just tell her the same way you would a friend. She is 19 so if she was going to rebel she probably would have done it already.

Good luck to you.

- Response by gummibeark, A Married Girl, Female, 36-45, Financial / Banking

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