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How much space & time should you give someone?
Dating / 3:04 PM - Friday January 23, 2009

How much space & time should you give someone?

My boyfriend is going thru some difficult times right now...he has put our relationship on hold for now because he needs to deal w/it on his own. He thinks it would be better this way so his distractions do not make me feel worse. Its been almost a week & I havent heard from him...he is NOT your typical jerk...he is genuinally a good guy. we've started dating about 9 months ago.

Update: January 23, 2009.
I liked your respomse & I know all this w/out even having to ask...but its very hard to be strong & confident when another part of me feels like he should lean on me & he should feel like he can depend on me to see him thru what he is going thru. thank u

- Asked by atwork2008, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Phoenix, Other Profession

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I think for your own mental health, you should consider you two broken up.

There is no such thing as "on hold." Either he's your man or he's not.

And since he's decided he would do better WITHOUT you in his life, then he's NOT your boyfriend anymore.

I mean really...the one person he should feel comfortable leaning on and confiding in during hard times SHOULD be his GIRLFRIEND. The fact that he DUMPED his girlfriend when times got hard tells me he don't see you as a person he can share hard times with. ONLY GOOD TIMES.

NOT a good thing, and NOT a reason to "stick around on hold" while he fixes his life. You two should be helping each other, confiding in each other,leaning on each other, depending on each other, during good times and bad times.

He shouldn't feel the need to distance himself from the one person who SHOULD BE THERE to help him thru difficult times.

- Response by hnygrl, A Career Woman, Female, 46-55, Managerial

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I could be wrong, but the way I see it, anyone who wants to put the relationship on "hold" is dealing with their own stuff and basically asking you to wait to see if he/she decides they want to be with you or not.

I sorta think it just means, I like you but I can't handle a relationship right now.

- Response by cubbiegal, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Chicago, Administrative

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What does "on hold" mean to him/you? To me being "on hold" means things are in limbo, nothing changes, you wait until it is your turn again. ie. I am on hold with the cable company.
If you are literally on hold waiting for him to resume his life with you, and you are okay with that, then maybe you should agree to touch base every x amount of days. But if his definition of "on hold" is that the relationship doesn't really exist for now and later down the road it may or may not be revisited, then you need to go on out and start smelling the roses and living your life as a single available woman. You need clarity more than someone to define a time line for you.

- Response by bbmcgee1, A Married Girl, Female, 46-55, Los Angeles, Home Maker

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One thing I have learned through the years with men, is that their sense of time and our sense of time are two very different concepts. We agonize over an hour or a day for a phone call and a week is nothing for a guy. Try to occupy yourself with other friends, hobbies, and personal goals during this difficult time. The more space you give him, the more he is likely to bounce back whole hearted to the relationship. The more he sees you have a side of you that is independant of him, and the inner strength you have without him in your every day life the more attractive you will become to him also. Best-Deborah

- Response by nysbikergirl, An Alternative Girl, Female, 46-55, Who Cares?

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Even if he is going through something terrible right now...so are you with him ignoring you. You are suppose to be his comfort zone, try to keep you close for peace of mind. He is just making excuses....Call him and ask him when is he going to come around? If ever?

Good Luck

- Response by daysimay, A Married Girl, Female, 29-35, Other Profession

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I guess it's dependant on what his issues are. If he's commited to a "team-effort" like dating someone suggests, then his belief's that he's somehow protecting you from something are backfiring. It sounds like his absence in your life is causing you more grief than being able to support him though this crisis. A relationship is a living breathing thing, something that is born, raised and God forbid mourned if/when dies. It cannot be put on hold no more than parenting a child. This genuinely good guy has gone lone wolf on you and thats not going to encourage growth for you guys. Let him know you're there for him but since we grow most during our trials and tribulations, he's preventing your relationship from growing. I detect major esteem issues- it sounds like he doesn't believe anyone could be there for him...

- Response by brvhart001, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 36-45, Medical / Dental

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When you are in a healthy, happy soild relationship, you don't break-up because you need to deal with issues. You lean on the other person for help and support. This may be his way of breaking up with you without actually doing it.

I would not wait. I would heal, mourne and then move on with your life. My guess is that you will be waiting a lot more than one week. This is a grown man, not a teenager. He should be able to handle life's problems while he is in a relationship.


- Response by myndseye711, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Bilbao, Celebrity

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I just finished writing an article on this very topic and some insight may help you understand that your response to this cooling off period is very important. There are archetypes that influence men's thoughts and towards toward's their relationship partners. My intuition tells me he is possessed by the Emperor.
From my article: Overshadowed by the legacy of the Emperor
For a man who believes men rule, it may be hard for him to respect a woman enough to keep his word. Dating etiquette means little to him and he will demonstrate it's a man's prerogative to do as he pleases. His self-serving attitude is likely to put his work or business first and his excuse for not calling will be that he was tied up all day in meetings even if he spent the whole afternoon playing tennis with his buddy. He will expect a woman to turn this negative behavior into a positive, by giving him accolades for how hard he works. A woman challenged by the Emperor will have to put on a Mulan Princess Warrior attitude and lay down some laws of her own. Her Prince is suffering from centuries of conditioning and if the relationship is to stand a chance she'll have to demonstrate she will be an equal partner who demands respect. If he has an ounce of Prince in him, he will trade his throne for his equal complement.

- Response by ariadneg33, A Sweet Sarah, Female, 56-65, San Francisco, Artist / Musician / Writer

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I would personally try to move on. If he does come crawling back I believe in giving someone a second chance if you didn't part on bad terms...

- Response by kira85, A Sweet Sarah, Female, 26-28, Dallas, Financial / Banking

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Since he's asked to put the relationship on hold, it might be best to accept that he may need more than just a week or two to figure things out, especially if he's doing it on his own because he may need more time than you may be willing to give him...some guys don't make decisions about relationships right away and if he is expecting you to wait around, you may end up finding out from him that he's not wanting to continue the relationship later on...do you really want to 'waste' time waiting and then find out that he wants to move on or do you think that it's time to let him know that you expect an answer by a certain day and then move on if he doesn't give you an answer by that day...you have to do what is right for you and know that whatever you choose to do is going to be okay because if you wait around for him, you may end up being the one that gets hurt...:D

- Response by fastball, A Cool Mom, Female, 36-45, Edmonton, Self-Employed

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