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What would you do if your husband frequently lied to you? You love him, but the lies are changing it
What would you do if your husband frequently lied to you?
Today I found out that my husband has gone back on his word on two important things, then lied to try to get out of it. After being caught with the first series, he at least admitted to it (although there was no denying it). Then he lied twice in trying to explain why he went back on his word for the second thing. His first explanation was at first believable, but then he tried to explain something else and contradicted his other explanation.
At this point, I'm really upset with him for not being dependable, then for continuing to lie to cover his ass. I'm having trouble trusting him with anything, as it seems that he just lies and bends truths when it's convenient for him and he only keeps his word when he feels like it.
I'm really upset with him and want nothing but distance. I wish I had a husband who I could believe in.
What would you do if you couldn't trust your spouse to be truthful?
Update: January 23, 2009.
The issue is that he makes promises that he doesn't follow through on, then just lies thinking I won't find out, or lies just long enough for it to be too late.
The first one is about finances, we were supposed to make a joint decision and had been looking at options together, he went ahead and made it when I was sick. Then I told him I wasn't comfortable with it, I pretty sad about it and told him I was hurt that we agreed to make a joint decision and he excluded me. He said no problem, he understood and we would revisit it together that week, then make a decision. I trusted him, no problem, in the end I thought that once we looked at it together I would probably be ok with it.
He ends up saying to bring the contract by without waiting for us to look at it as we agreed, an hour after promising me we would look at it together to make the decision. The next day, when the contract was there, he goes ahead and signs it then informs me after. He even lied to me about it and said he hadn't sent it out yet, then the guy just "happened to show up at the last minute and I wasn't there". If he had told me, I would have waited for the contract to arrive, but since he didn't tell me I went out for errands. Then it turns out he invited the guy to come, and just thought it would be fine if I looked at it after it was signed!
That's one thing, pretty annoying but for the consequences really just annoying because of the lie. In the end, the contract is something I probably would have been fine with, now I don't want anything to do with it though because of the way it was done. A happy thing has been ruined by his lies.
As luck would have it, we got a virus on the computer so while I'm cleaning the computer off I see that at least once a week for the last month he's been looking at porn sites behind my back. He had promised me in the past that he wouldn't look at porn, I said that I would not marry him if he did, that I would leave a man who did. He assured it would never be an issue, looked me in the eyes and said he wouldn't. This was something we argued about a couple of times when we were dating, but he promised me that he wouldn't look at it anymore and that was a condition of my marrying him. Now I find out that he's been lying to me about it for at least a year and just hiding his tracks, the whole time lying to my face.
He promised not to and knew that my marrying him was dependent on that. I've told him that I would not stay married to someone who looks at porn behind my back, I know that a lot of people don't care about it and that's great for them, but those are my limits. What gets me is that despite knowing that I would possibly leave him for it, and definitely feel sexually distant from him because of it, he went ahead and did it once a week for the last month. I really want to forgive him, but honestly want nothing to do with him right now. I can intellectually forgive him, but I could not even sleep next to him. His lying is the worst part of it.
It is annoying, we had great sex Monday and Tuesday, I felt closer to him than I have in a long time, and even told him yesterday that I really wanted to have sex last night and he was also looking forward to it. Next thing I find 30 some odd porn pictures, I couldn't even sleep next to him.
The last days have made me just want to pack up my bags and be away from him for at least a while. I don't even want to be in the same room as him. His words just seem insincere, and my past trust in him was now based on him just covering his tracks well and lying to manipulate me. I feel like no matter what, he'll just tell me what I want to hear until I find out the truth, or he'll just placate me until it's too late. For all I know, he'll buy a house without telling me until after he signs the title, or have an affair for a year and not bother to inform me until I bump into the truth.
I really don't know what to do at this point. In a way, I want to forgive him and have the nice weekend he's offering to help make up, on the other hand I just want him to stay away from me. I am just so upset even looking at him.
Sorry for the long response, and thank you for listening. :(
- Asked by A Thinker, Female, 36-45