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Active Questions

How do you just trust someone again?
Dating / 9:07 AM - Thursday January 22, 2009

How do you just trust someone again?

Have you ever been so hurt in past relationships that you want a full assessment on the nature of all your new so's relationships to measure your probability of being hurt again?

How do you simply trust someone after being betrayed in every possible way in the past? How do you deal without encuraging that person to repeat the offense against you?

Where do you draw the line between being trusting and being stupid or naive? Would you share some examples with me?

I'm checking to see if maybe my expectations are becoming too exclusive or demanding since I've endured so much pain in my past.


- Asked by A Creative, Male, 36-45, Washington, DC, Technical

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You have to make an effort, and first determine if the person is worth your trust.

I understand, I have hella trust issues. It goes against everything in your nature to try to trust.

You need to at least have an open mind.

If I can do it, I'm sure you can.

- Response by mistresswench69, A Player, Female, 26-28, Who Cares?

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I know what you mean. You are not they only one ho has been hurt by someone that you cared me I feel for you.
What you have to remember is this: people make mistakes, this is not an excuse for letting them walk over you, but if they do, try to forgive them. Ask yourself, what kind of relationship are you REALLY looking for? Is it the kind with uncondional love...or just "something like that"
Trust is earned, don't let smeone too close if you can't trust them, but always give them the CHANCE to get that close.
Personally, I would draw the line if someone I loved cheated on me. It would be naive for me to think he would just "quite." however, if he lied to me about something that really was not that big of a deal. Then I would forget t happend.
In relationships, there needs to be room for some "grace" but trust is also something that MUST be applied. You are not expecting too much, just do your best with the situation and ask what need to be gone...Oh, and good luck.

- Response by carolin3lov3, An Alternative Girl, Female, 22-25, Student

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I don't make people suffer because of other peoples actions in the past.

- Response by bikerchick1, A Life of the Party, Female, 36-45, Atlanta, Financial / Banking

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its tough. especially if you were hurt by someone who was a great liar.

i was with someone who could have been a professional liar, and after having been lied to like that its tough to believe anyone.

- Response by weekendbrew, A Jock, Male, 29-35, Miami, Technical

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It's hard to trust when you've been hurt badly but commend yourself for having the courage to try. First and foremost you must give yourself time to heal. You need to spend some time alone and thinking about what you really want. People will tell you to think about what went wrong and what you can do better. That's good advice except that it's easy to become obsessed. You can spend all of yout time blaming and questioning and actually learn nothing. Another thing I find very important is to accept responsibility for any role that you may have had. By that I mean there may have been signs that the person was not good for you or there may have been times when you made poor choices. Maybe you chose to ignore the signs or maybe you reacted from past hurt. Again, don't dwell on these things but think about them. The most important thing is to focus on your needs and wants and make a commitment to yourself not to settle for less than you deserve. Surround yourself with positive people, true friends who will support you and are good for helping you figure out what you want and what you deserve. It's not any easy course. It's a long road back from hurt but it's worth taking the time out to heal and really spend time getting to know yourself and waht you have to offer in a relationship. You sound like a very senstive and caring guy. Someone will appreciate that. Don't let your past hurt paralyze you with fear.

- Response by honestkey, A Sweet Sarah, Female, 36-45, Administrative

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so you are instead of giving the person a fair shot, going to hold them hostage to all the mistakes made by previous mates? Eventually you will be so paranoid that no woman will come close to meeting this process. you have to be able to learn from the past, but also break from it. Being naive or foolish is refusing to learn from the past. Stupid is intentionally repeating the same process and expecting different results. You have to let go of the pain. The more you shield yourself from making mistakes, the more you will eliminate the possibility of finding peace.

- Response by hoopsjunkie, A Rebel, Male, 46-55, Indianapolis, Self-Employed

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I think we need to trust ourselves to be okay if we are betrayed. In many cases, the fear of trusting another person is more about our own fear of not being able to handle the betrayal. If you fear you will fall apart if the other person breaks your trust, you will be less likely to trust again. However, if you are confident you are going to be okay even if the other person lets you down, it will be much easier for you to learn to trust again.

When another person's action shatters our ability to trust, it can be very difficult to learn to trust again. Some people never move past a broken heart. However, we can learn to trust again, even after deeply wounded in a past relationship. We simply cannot allow another person's untrustworthiness to taint our future relationship.

The first step is recognizing the need to trust again and understanding that one person does not have to meet all our needs. Learining to be patient with our progess is probably one of the hardest steps to accomplish because after you have been betrayed, it can be a challenge to learn to trust again. We need to give ourselves time and space we need to ease back into trusting another person again. Trust is like Rome, takes years to build but minutes to destroy.

- Response by giltazell, A Trendsetter, Female, 46-55, Medical / Dental

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Oce you've been hurt badly, your eyes will always be open much wider then ever before. Being hurt makes you wiser and not as tolerant of bullshit from the opposite sex as much. It did me anyway. I'm not sure if you call it "drawing the line" so much as you just have your deal-breakers now. I was hurt badly a long time ago. My girlfriend at the time got pregnant by the guy and tried to pass the kid off as mine. I got suspicious, especially after her ex had suddenly popped back into her life after a long time. After the baby was born, I demanded a DNA test. It came out negative. I wasn't the dad. She had cheated on me with her ex and had his baby. I sat there crying like a little girl with that test in my hand. I couldn't believe she had done that to me. Ever since, my trust with women has only gone so far. I just have my deal-breakers now, one being that I refuse to date women who have a lot of male friends or who need to keep their ex around as a so-called "friend." My ex did both, and like a dumbass, I kept taking her word for it when she would tell me that her ex was just a "friend" and nothing more. But I was a lot younger and naive then, so I guess i could use that as an excuse. I'm not controlling and would never tell a woman who she can and can't be friends with, but what I can control is myself, and if a woman needs her ex around, I move on. We can be friends too, but I won't actually date her seriously. I just don't need the drama. I can't take a woman seriously who can't let go. I know that not every woman would cheat on me with her ex or one of her male friends, but I just don't take the chance. Unless they have kids, I have never understood why women need to keep in touch with an ex anyway. Never have understood that one. I think what it boils down to is that you just become wiser once you've been hurt. There are things that you just won't tolerate and that are automatic deal-breakers. We all have them no matter how trusting we are. I don't believe anyone who says they don't have at least one deal-breaker. I think once we've been hurt, we see signs earlier than before and know how to deal with them better.

- Response by newdad, A Jock, Male, 36-45, Las Vegas, Transportation

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I've been that hurt. I've been single since '02. Right now, I'm happy, because I've known my s/o since my teenage years, I know he's s good man, one that only wants the best for me and my children. Sometimes you just have to take that "leap of faith". But don't do it until you are ready. When you least expect him, he will show up on your doorstep (or your yahoo messenger).

- Response by tortureu2, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Other Profession

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First, you have to let go. Easier said than done, I know from experience. It is true though.
Basically what you do is treat this person like they are a new relationship. Don't hold any grudges of what other people have done to you in the past. I have been on both sides and let me tell you, when your s/o is constantly worried about being hurt it drives a wedge in the relationship that will ultimately drive you guys apart.
You just need to let your guard down. There are never any guarantees you won't get hurt again. Just make the best of the time you do have with someone because you never know when they'll be gone for good. That wall you keep up is what is keeping your s/o out of reach. Tear the wall down and let them in and you'll both be happier than you could ever imagine.
Make sure you talk to each other, about everything. It really does make a difference when your s/o is also your best friend.

Good wishes.

- Response by unbrokenfrog, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Home Maker

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