Thank you for your many years of support. We want to share the news with you that after much consideration, will cease operations in its present format on October 15th. We appreciate your meaningful contributions over the years.
Back to Home

Active Questions

I think my boyfriend's insensitive & deserves the boot. What do you think?
Dating / 10:36 PM - Wednesday January 21, 2009

I think my boyfriend's insensitive & deserves the boot. What do you think?

My boyfriend did something to me that really hurt my feelings. Last night, while sitting in the car, I expressed my feelings to him & cried hysterically because of the pain I feel. Sitting in his seat, he barely reached over to put a hand on my shoulder. He never hugged me or attempted to upon my upset. Needless to say, it was late, I wasn't feeling any better & he was being insensitive, so I went in.

This morning he sent me a text message asking me how I was & what we can do to get past this. I told him I don't know. He ended up having to go to work & said he'd talk to me soon. After work, he decided to hang out with a friend til well after 9pm, when he finished work at 6pm. He opted to send me text messages while hanging out with his buddy & claims that his doing so shows he cares.

My argument is that knowing how he has hurt me, how upset I was last night & that we hadn't had a decent opportunity to talk things over & that he told me he'd talk to me soon, that he doesn't care about my feelings or this relationship enough if he chose to hang out rather than put us first. When I said something to him about it, he said he didn't think that texting me would be a problem as opposed to a phone call & he said that he figured he spent enough time with me last night & was more than likely going to see me tomorrow, how was he supposed to know he couldn't have a day to himself?

I find his reactions & responses to be very insensitive & uncaring. How bout you?

- Asked by Female, 36-45

Read more about the Rating System

Insensitive and uncaring would be that he wouldn't have even bothered to put a hand on your shoulder, he wouldn't have bothered listening, he wouldn't have bothered texting to tell you where he was, what he was doing and he wouldn't have bothered telling you that he cared.

A lot of times, men have trouble with dealing with women when the women are feeling emotional. They don't know what to do and they feel uncomfortable.

The guy at least showed some interest that you were upset. If he didn't care at all he wouldn't have bothered listening to you in the first place unless you had him trapped and he wouldn't have made ANY effort to try to reach out.

- Response by pookiedoo, A Creative, Female, 46-55, Who Cares?

Rating Received:

Community Rating: Community Star

thats men for ya!

- Response by jojo914, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

Rating Received:

I think if you feel this qualifies as insensitive, then you are in for a lifetime of disappointment. No man wants to be smothered. He made a point of saying he expects a day to himself. That was his signal that he needs space.

- Response by chessplayer, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 36-45, Administrative

Rating Received:

I think he might be insensitive BUT he's a guy. A lot of them have no idea what to do when their SO is crying. Many men just have no clue. They are hard-wired to fix things.

So, if you are upset and you tell a guy, "I'm upset, rub my back", he'll do that for you. If you tell him, "I'm feeling blue, could you go pick up some Chinese food for me", he'll do that, too. But if you start crying for no apparent reason (this is what he is thinking - I mean, you're not bleeding anywhere, no one has died, etc.) then he will be baffled.

This guy might be insensitive, or he could just be the typical clueless guy. If the latter, you need to sit him down and tell him that when you are crying about the relationship, that means you want him to call you as soon as possible and spend time talking to you.

However, to be honest, you might be better off getting the sympathy from your friends or your mom. Or, if it's really important to you that your SO provide this for you, then you will need to find yourself a more sensitive guy. However, they have other problems.

The reality is that no man is perfect, you have to figure out what is important to you and what you can live without and go from there.

- Response by curvysmartgirl, A Creative, Female, 46-55, Dallas, Artist / Musician / Writer

Rating Received:

There could be other possibilities for his behavior that you aren't aware of. People tend to gravitate to one or the other parent behaviors in an attempt to resolve old patterns from their families of origin. When you state you cried "hysterically" I began to sense you might be on the dramatic side. It is possible his mother was histrionic and put on chronic extremely emotional displays in order to get attention. She may have had a borderline personality disorder. As a result he might shut down totally in the presence of exaggerated unnecessary displays of emotion.
Now I don't say this to insult you or hurt your feelings. I'm telling you this because if it rings true you will need to do some changing of your own in order to negotiate changes in him.
It is hardly ever necessary to cry hysterically baring a death in the family or some tragic accident involving dismemberment...loss of a job qualifies as a reason to fall out in death hysterics. There is really not much else that should cause that level of a display. You may want to learn to moderate your responses to what is merely emotional information as opposed to rational information. And you need to let the bf off the hook until you can uncover a better idea of what his growing up looked like.

- Response by joybird, A Creative, Female, Who Cares?, Therapist

Rating Received:

I feel the same way as you. My boyfriend means well for the most part, but his insensitivity has gotten to the point where it is a parody of itself. It's almost as if while he's saying the last thing I want to hear in a given situation (something, completley unnecessary, like a cruel joke that he knows will truly hurt me) he is shocked at the words as they come out of his mouth, but he just won't stop his hurtful behavior. While part of me is feels he is apologetic, I know he won't stop his often enough cruel little remarks because that's part of some weird defense mechanism he has, and, frankly, I'm just tired of dealing with his emotional baggage when it is directly resurrecting all of my emotional baggage from being hurt in the past. So I don't know what to tell you that will help, but as for me, my boyfriend has not been able to quit the insensitive remarks in two years and countless fights over the issue, so I think I'm leaving him very soon. Good Luck to you, though. I think that a boyfriend who loves you should be able to stop hurting you--whether the hurt comes from subtle, verbal cruelties (in your case and mine) or physical abuse (in others' cases). Either way, you're worth more than his inability to shape up.

- Response by 21jaded, A Thinker, Female, 36-45

Rating Received:

hi..We have had almost same feelings.My boyfriend is also similar as yours.But I have to fight for what i feel c0z i love him that much and hoping i can chnge his attitude even not abruptly but slowly c0z for the better. Sometimes I dont knw what to do and asking by myself if he really loves.I also asked him about what i feel but he is always telling me that Im always looking for his negative acts.Im so upset evrytime i told him evrythng.and dont know what to do.But in fairness to him he makes his efforts by calling me and informing me his whereabouts if when his home already.But my problem is same as yours.Because woman wants that their boyfriend cared for us and be sensitive for what we feel.Thats why I open that issue to him but he is always telling me we will talk that topic for antoher day or just ignoring the issue.I know in a realtionship communication is the key,thats why you have to talk it over with him about what is wrong and right.Need some advices too..sometimes i wana give up but Im afraid of loosing him.Thank y0u and have a good day!

- Response by A Cool Mom, Female, 36-45

Rating Received: