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I'm seeing a separated but still married man that won't tell his wife about me. should I worry?
Dating / 5:47 PM - Friday December 26, 2008

I'm seeing a separated but still married man that won't tell his wife about me. should I worry?

They've been separated for 10 months and she cheated on him with his brother so, I don't think he's going back to her but, he knows how much it bothers me that she doesn't know and he refuses to tell her. There is a child involved and she's spending the holidays with him and his family not I. I guess that's why it's so frustrating. If he cared about me wouldn't he tell her? Or is it that if I cared about him I'd be more patient?

Update: December 26, 2008.
He doesn't want the added stress that it'll cause. Her family still wants it to work and he doesn't want to hurt them or her. I understand that he's always going to love her but the situation is causing me stress and anxiety. I'm having a hard time understanding why he wouldn't just tell her. I've told him I'll be here for him and whatever happens.

- Asked by Female, 29-35

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It's possible that he might just be waiting until his divorce if finalized because he's worried that she might use the information against him in court. Still, I would consider that a red flag. 10 months should be enough time for him to be able to move on and freely date. I would try talking to him in a non-pressured, non-threatening way. Find out when he expects the divorce to be final. If he hasn't even filed yet, move on without him. If he has filed and it should be final soon, ask him when he intends to tell his ex and the rest of his family about you. If he doesn't give you any solid, reasonable answers, move on.


- Response by uniquelyme2, A Creative, Female, 46-55, Artist / Musician / Writer

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You can certainly do whatever you feel is best, but this is how I view the situation.

He is still married and very much emotionally involved with this wife and their child. This man is not emotionally available to be in a relationship with you.

When I was dating, I had a rule to never date guys unless their divorce had been FINAL for at least two complete years. Many guys are still emotionally attached to their ex even after many years. Sooner than than, and you are just the rebound relationship. I don't have time to play those kinds of games -- especially when children are involved.

- Response by utahmom, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Managerial

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Community Rating: Community Star

this is a hard one.

he's seprated but legally still married.

* he may still have feelings for her...yes she cheated but remember he was married to this woman I don't think you can completetly shut off feelings for someone even if they did you wrong---its just normal we are human.

*I think it would be best to back of a bit and let him finish up divorce plans etc...i know its hard but their marriage and family is what he is thinking about first because his kids are very important to him. and of course he is spending time with them because its his family..he's married to her. why would you put yourself in a situation like this? 10 months is still very recent for him to date while seprated he may still love her to be honest.

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Other Profession

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People who have nothing to hide...hide nothing. If he's not telling her about you...he has not truly moved on even after 10 months.

Personally, I'd tell him to contact me after the divorce and he was truly ready to move on.

- Response by destinyseeker, A Career Woman, Female, 36-45, Teaching

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If you are having a good time and a FWB is what you want, then don't worry.

If you want a long term serious relationship, its not gonna happen. No worries there either.

- Response by greenwind, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 56-65, Construction

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You must not get the part where he has a wife. "separated" does not mean divorced. It just means he is still married under the law and under God, just living in a separate residence. You need to understand that you are a sex outlet and some companionship to reduce his boredom and loneliness, but he is still married for a reason - he wants to be.

That means he still loves her, and is trying to work on saving the marriage.

So if you don't want to be some man's Band-Aid, you need to dump him and move on.

- Response by msheartbeat, A Trendsetter, Female, 46-55, San Francisco, Self-Employed

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10 months is enough time to decide if it is "going anywhere" in my opinion and I would think it is time for him to either sh*t or get off the pot so to speak. Does the rest of his family know? if noone knows i'd be worried, if it just the ex wife then I would wonder what kind of horrible monster she is that he is worried to tell her. Why does he refuse to tell her have you asked him?

- Response by steff1973, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Medical / Dental

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Sweety,As long as they are still married,you are the intruder,the one in the wrong.I suggest you back off and see if he gets divorced.You'll be better off in the long run.

- Response by randolph, A Mr. Married Guy, Male, 56-65, Artist / Musician / Writer

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