Back to Home

Active Questions

Is it your husband's fault if he won't stand up for you to his parents when they mistreat you?
Married Life / 10:18 AM - Monday December 22, 2008

Is it your husband's fault if he won't stand up for you to his parents when they mistreat you?


- Asked by february22, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Toronto, Who Cares?

Read more about the Rating System


Yep. It is a cowardly thing for him to do. He hasn't differentiated himself from his parents as an adult and continues to act as if he were a child. He has failed to engage in the assertive diplomacy necessary to establish a new boundary with his parents and establish an alliance with you. He is making a huge mistake...one that usually results in long term resentment by the spouse.

- Response by joybird, A Hippie Chick, Female, 46-55, Who Cares?

Rating Received:


I had an ex-wife who was like this.

I hate to say it, but blood is thicker than anything else. He is wrong to do this, but don't look for him to change. It rarely happens.

- Response by drumboi2, A Guy Critical, Male, 56-65

Rating Received:


yes, it definitely is. you should really put the heat under him to come to your defense and stop "cow towing" to their pressure and prejudice. if he hasn't been able to "leave home" emotionally, then he will never be yours in a proactive and positive way.

- Response by two469, An Alternative Girl, Female, 18-21, Seattle, Science / Engineering

Rating Received:


How are you contributing to your in-laws mistreatment of you? What do you think makes them behave that way toward you? Not blaming you, but sometimes they maybe reacting to something you are not aware of, the blind spot, that is. You will be surprised that once you remove your contribution, the issue tends to go away.

- Response by int24h, A Career Man, Male, 36-45, Alternative Medicine

Rating Received:


You should fight your own battle there, but he should stand behind you!

- Response by loseing, A Guy Critical, Male, Who Cares?, Who Cares?

Rating Received:


My ex husband's mom kept a picture of the girl he wanted him to marry. And yes it was his fault for never standing up for me. She thought I was less than adequete, but it turned out hubby was not any better than his parents, I found out he was bad mouthing me to our own kids. Think about that.

- Response by chillpill703, A Sweet Sarah, Female, 36-45, Atlanta, Administrative

Rating Received:


I wouldn't use the word "fault" but it seems to me that it is his responsibility to stand up for you. That seems to me what marriage is all about.

- Response by wiserman, A Creative, Female, 46-55, Who Cares?

Rating Received:


Oh, hell yeah! The only time my husband ever stood up for me, was when his father implied I was a liar (which was always the one thing my husband and I fought about. I'd rather hear the truth-even if it hurts than be told a lie). My husband who never gets upset, has never been in a fight-I thought he was going to deck his dad. It had been 8 years now, since that day, and we haven't spoken to his family since.

- Response by eclipse, A Creative, Female, 36-45, San Francisco, Artist / Musician / Writer

Rating Received:


Yep, and if your parents mistreat your husband, it's your fault for not standing up to them!

- Response by myrtletyrtle, A Creative, Female, 46-55, Who Cares?

Rating Received:


Yes. This has also happened to me , my inlaws are very rude and not child friendly but when people are around they want to put on an act with my children. PLEASE. We dont go around them a little as possible . My husband doesnt even care to be around them so that says it all . If he wont stand up for u , u have to do it your self or just dont go around them as little as possible. Good Luck

- Response by leeann, A Sweet Sarah, Female, 29-35, Who Cares?

Rating Received:


Not all bad treatment is mistreatment. A married woman with "Who Cares?" in her commitment status isn't worth much.

- Response by bailarenfuego, A Guy Critical, Male, 46-55, Technical

Rating Received:


Regards, Dotsky

Happy Holidays!

- Response by dotsky99, A Creative, Female, 56-65, Oklahoma City, Self-Employed

Rating Received:


Yes it is whether your in the wrong or not ! If he's not defending you ???? Then you really need to be wondering what he thinks of you really. And what he tells you just for you too be quiet?? Actions are louder than words.
But this shouldn't be too much of a surprise HONESTLY because he has let you down before you might have just ignored it ???

- Response by tryteddybear1, A Guy Critical, Male, 46-55, Providence, Financial / Banking

Rating Received:


absolutely YES............forsakin g all others- spoken in the vows- includes parents in the "All Others".......

- Response by outthere, A Life of the Party, Male, 46-55, Construction

Rating Received:


I saw an episode of Dr. Phil on this issue. lol He said (and I agree) that the husband should be the liasion between his wife and his family when there is friction, and vise versa. They are his parents, and depending on what the problem is, and it seems that you might not have the best releationship, it is probably not your place to confront them. you should let you husband know exactly what is bothering you, and let him talk to them. it might not fix the problem, but maybe they will be more open to telling him their side of the story.

- Response by danikamagic54, A Life of the Party, Female, 26-28, Administrative

Rating Received:


Yes. If he's a Christian, tell him that is his one and only job. A man that won't stand up for his wife to anyone, including his parents is not a strong person. I would have nothing to do with people that mistreated me. Maybe you should find something else to do when they come around or when he goes to visit them.

- Response by rhunt0210, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 46-55, Other Profession

Rating Received:


If it's happening he needs to stop being the little boy and tell the parents what he thinks.

- Response by usarmy24id, A Mr. Married Guy, Male, 36-45, Celebrity

Rating Received:


Before we got married, I had a run in with his mother and he stood up for me. Never had a problem with her again. In fact we became great friends.

- Response by jezmebaby, A Hippie Chick, Female, 46-55, Los Angeles, Self-Employed

Rating Received:


yes it is. And it can really hurt a relationship.

- Response by ajeepgirl67, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Medical / Dental

Rating Received:


He should, but if he doesn't now, he never will.
This was a big contributor to my 6 year relationship breaking up..

Makes you dread the Holidays huh???
Best of luck :^)

- Response by nicolegillenwater, A Thinker, Female, 36-45

Rating Received:


Sort of. I mean, he is not the one initiating the conflict. But, as your husband, he should stand up for you. I had a similar problem when I went on a trip with my boyfriend and his family. I overheard his father talking crap about me. I told my bpyfriend and he got really upset with his dad. I overheard him bitching at him.
His parents should have respect for you.

- Response by anonymouspersona, A Hippie Chick, Female, 26-28, Miami, Student

Rating Received:


yep..He should respect you enough to stand up for you! I had this issue with my ex, and I had to stand up for myself and he didn't do a damn thing...one reason he is now my EX!!!

- Response by kira85, A Sweet Sarah, Female, 26-28, Dallas, Financial / Banking

Rating Received:


...yes..

- Response by michellekia, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, St.Louis, Other Profession

Rating Received:


Yes, and your fault to continue to allow him 'not' to.

Perfect example...my sister was married to a man who was wonderful..treated her like a Queen...exepct...his family did not feel the same way...they were really horrible...they treated her like shit...and for 9years...he never stood up to his family...and she just took it...well...she left him....and then after the divorce...he said...that he should have done something...he was wrong.

- Response by divatoonami, A Trendsetter, Female, 36-45, Administrative

Rating Received:


yes i think so, i mean i can see his point not wanting to defend his parents but you are his wife and i think that your wife should outweigh slightly more then your parents. but also why do you have Who Cares in your commitment?

- Response by A Creative, Female, 18-21, Who Cares?

Rating Received:


yes..a man should def. be respectful of his parents but when they get out of line he should let it be known thats its not ok

- Response by dragonflyfairie, A Hippie Chick, Female, 29-35, Teaching

Rating Received:


Yes! You're his family now too and they need to know that, and respect it!

- Response by phillychickie311, A Cool Mom, Female, 29-35, Philadelphia, Administrative

Rating Received:


Actually how can you expect your husband or anyone else to stand up for you when you can't even stand up for yourself. Now I think it is your job to call his parent's on their inappropriate behavior and it is your husband's job to support you and back you up, but this starts with you. You are the one who has to set the boundaries here not your husband!

- Response by kdtxchic30, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

Rating Received:


Yes, it is his fault, if you are in the right. But you have to cut him some slack, because he's trying to respect his parents...they raised him. He does need to give you the same respect, as you are his wife. He's stuck between a "rock and a hard place". If he's at least taking up on your behalf, I'd let this one "go".

- Response by tortureu2, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Other Profession

Rating Received:


its his parents fault for giving him the reason to defend you. but it is his duty as a husband to stand up for you...
my husband always just said they arent gonna listen or they dont care what i say, well maybe we should have quit going over there until they saw how hurtful they were and that my husband and i were a team, treat one of us bad lose the both of us. this didnt happen so in the long run i have lost my husband because i cant wait to be a priority any longer.

- Response by nymphgirl1, An Alternative Girl, Female, 36-45, Civil Service

Rating Received:


I stood up to my mother early on in my marriage the instant I found out that she was bashing my wife as an unfit mother. It had been going on for several months and my wife never told me(a neighbor clued me in). I went to my mother and told her that my wife was the number one lady in my life. She went on a rant about what my wife wasn't doing right. I let her finish and I told her that irrespective of what she thought she would immediately ask my wife for forgiveness. She said she would do no such thing. I stood up and told her she was unwelcome in our home and I was severing all contact with her until she sincerely apologized for her abuse of my wife. It took her six years to to reach a point that made my wife believe and accept her sincere apology. My mother was very reserved at our home after that. I was very close to my mother before that episode andwe are still not close to this day. I felt bad these many years but I never caved in. What a shameful loss of time.

- Response by bringthapain, A Guy Critical, Male, 56-65, Houston

Rating Received:


I wouldn't say it was his 'fault' but he would have some responsibility because I married him, not his parents and for them to say something to me without my husband sticking up for me, would make me wonder if he was avoiding an argument or if he just didn't really care...I think if the parents are 'intentionally' trying to hurt their in-law then the husband should say something, especially if the husband 'expects' the same type of respect/treatment from my parents...:D

- Response by fastball, A Cool Mom, Female, 36-45, Edmonton, Self-Employed

Rating Received:


It should be both of you together. But, hubby needs to stand his ground.

- Response by daffodils2008, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Medical / Dental

Rating Received:


Yes. He needs to have your back. A girl at work is dealing with the same thing. Her in-laws insult her all the time. They have insulted her minutes after she gave birth to their grandchild, in her own house. Every time they get together there is a new insult. Her husband doesn't have her back and she finally snapped a few weeks back.

- Response by tnix123, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 36-45, New York, Managerial

Rating Received:


yes, he should do that for his wife@

- Response by sportsnut7875, A Life of the Party, Male, 36-45, Technical

Rating Received: