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When your boyfriend is ALWAYS, putting his ex-wife and child before you, what does it mean?
Dating / 8:09 PM - Saturday December 06, 2008

When your boyfriend is ALWAYS, putting his ex-wife and child before you, what does it mean?



Update: December 06, 2008.
Thanks to all that responded. I truly understand why he puts his child before me, I put my children before him, but what I can't live with is the ex-wife. If he wanted to put her first he should have never left her. I think he uses the child for an excuse to do just that.

- Asked by alexa1964, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Administrative

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His child should always come before you, but the ex-wife should never come before you. She shouldn't be involved in his life at all. There is no reason he needs to associate with her at all. My ex and I email about the kids. There's no reason to talk on the phone.

I think it's time to have a serious discussion with him. Maybe he's not as invested in the relationship as you. Personally, I wouldn't stand for being second fiddle.


- Response by myndseye711, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Vladivostok, Technical

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it means that they are more important than you are.

- Response by rosebudlea, A Hippie Chick, Female, 46-55

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the child will always come before you if he is a REAL MAN.
if he is putting the ex wife first, other than child support which is for THE CHILD who as stated before will always come first,then he wants teh ex back.



- Response by galdeen, A Creative, Female, 36-45, Administrative

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It means she wants him back and there is probably more going on then meets the eye. A child doesn't come before the primary relationship either....that is the relationship from which the child learns how to conduct their own relationships someday. So if Daddy is playing it pretty loose with his boundaries than his kid will someday also.

- Response by joybird, A Hip Hop Girl, Female, Who Cares?, Who Cares?

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It means he doesn't want to miss out on his child growing up just to be with a woman.

- Response by agesago, A Cool Mom, Female, 56-65, Transportation

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It means that he understands that he has a responsibility to his child for life. He understands that she will always be his child's mother, and that only in working with her, can he support his child into a safe, successful and fulfilling adulthood.

Not that you asked, but it also means that you are going to feel 2nd rate and a bit jealous until you understand the primacy of this relationship before yours. Once you accept it and embrace that this guy is one of the 'good ones', you will do wonderfully. Many people have gone this route before you. Trust us.

- Response by siouxzen, A Career Woman, Female, Who Cares?, Guadalajara, Self-Employed

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Everyone has priorities. His should be his child, first. If you are in a serious relationship with him, then you should be second. His ex-wife should be down the line from you. Do consider, though, that he has to keep a good relationship with his ex because of his child and he will always have her in his life. It's best for his child to have a working relationship between them and that maybe what he is trying to achieve. You need to have to talk with him. Understand that he is in a difficult position and you are too. It takes understanding, patients and a willingness to compromise in order to keep it all working smoothly. I hope you and your guy can work it out.

- Response by dotsky99, A Creative, Female, 56-65, Oklahoma City, Self-Employed

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I am sorry to say this and I doubt that you are going to like it but that is the way it is going to be until at "least" the child turns 18 y/o. I personally know this for a fact for I have been through this. Please feel free to email me if you wish to :)

HUGS

Lady W*

- Response by ladywisteria, A Sweet Sarah, Female, Who Cares?, Who Cares?

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It means if you don't think you can live this way, you better find someone else.

- Response by A Guy Critical, Male, 66 or older, Construction

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It means he's being a responsible MAN and taking care of HIS child and his child's mother because she is the mother of his child and it is apparent he loves his child and will take care of that child. This is the way it will continue to be until the child is of age (18). You are the expendable party here because HIS child will come first and being that child is still attached to the mother, he will make sure things are good for the sake of the child. And he won't cave to pressure by you since he already feels guilty for leaving the family to begin with.

And if you can't get over feeling jealous of this relationship that will continue until the child is of age, then you need to not be in a relationship with a man who has minor children. You have to be flexible and know that although he may find you important, his child will come first. And don't ever challenge that because you will lose in that challenge and him too. It will also so how petty you are and that you'd rather his sacrifice his child and that child's mother over you. Bad deal. Once the child is 18, the mother should not figure in the picture anymore as the child will be a legal adult and there will be no reason for him to be in contact with his ex-wife as frequently unless it has to do with a life event of their child.

Sorry to sound harsh, but this is reality check time. I bet if you were in her position you'd want the father of your child to make sure all is well and be the man he should be - responsible.

- Response by msadvise, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Transportation

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Maybe he is still in love with his ex-wife. And the child naturally should come before anyone in my opinion. Maybe he is using the child to try to get back with his ex..there are a number of reasons why this is so..unfortunately, I do not have no real answers to give because I do not know the situation. Have a talk with him and let him know your feelings but the initial statement I made is the first thing that came to mind. Sorry if I weren't any help.

- Response by truesilky, A Thinker, Female, 46-55

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joybird is right!!!!!! The child nor the ex should come before the relationship... This certainly doesn't mean that he shouldn't take care of or be in his child's life. This can be done without you being/feeling second fiddle. I am going through the exact same situation and have decided to end the relationship. If ending it is not an option for you, then you'll have to deal with it. Keep in mind that it will not suddenly stop when the child turns 18

- Response by sexyaccountant, A Creative, Female, 46-55, Other Profession

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It means that he doesn't realize that his child should be his 'priority', not his ex-wife...the ex should only be involved in issues concerning the child, not in any other aspect of his life...if he can't stop having his ex in his life, he shouldn't have left...maybe it's time to sit him down and talk to him about how having his ex in his life is making you feel less 'important' to him and how you don't mind his having an active part in his child's life, but he shouldn't be a part of his ex's life anymore because the only contact they should have is anything concerning their child...:)

- Response by fastball, A Cool Mom, Female, 36-45, Edmonton, Self-Employed

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It probally means he is a good parent

- Response by bigcurt, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 56-65, Pittsburgh, Self-Employed

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I don't get these people who say that it's appropriate to put the child "before" you. Not if he wants a lifetime relationship with you, honey. Good marriages are the ones in which the couple put each other first before the children. This is not the same as 'abandoning' the children or not seeing to their needs; it's about not treating the kids like deities and not sacrificing adult relationships to their childish whims.

If I were you, I'd walk on, with or without the ex-wife factor. My fiance has an only child who has been coddled beyond reason by his parents, because of their 'guilt' over breaking up the parental unit. Believe me, it has done that boy no good at all. The new rules in my new jurisdiction in consort with the father's is no more coddling. In our house, the kid gets treated as a normal kid who needs to learn how to grow into a civilized, reasonable, unselfish adult human. In my book, that's putting that child, if not first, very close to the top, because it's providing him with valuable survival tools for his impending adult, independent life. If my fiance were to insist that we keep making his son special meals, for example, because Boy Wonder refuses to eat anything other than grilled chicken and spaghetti with butter, I'd know that he's very poor lifelong relationship material and would leave. I find rude table manners and the refusal to eat food prepared for the family intolerable in children, and if putting the child first means allowing him to be a jerk, then good luck to his parents ever being able to hold onto relationships with other adults.

- Response by pandorasfault, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Teaching

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Have you read the bible? God is first, then the spouse or significant other, and then the kids. The ex is an ex for a reason. Get rid of the ex other than when there is a problem with the kid.

- Response by dddeanda, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Who Cares?

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Oh please people. It is not a popularity contest. Just because a man has a child doesn't mean the new woman in his life has to sacrifice her goals and dreams because the ex-wife feels like it and the man does not have a backbone to put an end to this manipulative behavior. My advice is to end the relationship ASAP. There are plenty of men out there that do not have the baggage you are dealing with. Life is to short girl. Live it and do not allow anyone else to dictate it for you.


- Response by A Thinker, Female, 46-55, San Antonio

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Alexa1964,

As I was reading the other responses, I have to say that I agree more with msadvice and siouxzen. Trust is the key here and you can not expect to come before his child especially. Would you put your boyfriend before your child?

- Response by truesilky, A Thinker, Female, 46-55

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