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Active Questions

Holes in the Wall
Dating / 4:28 PM - Wednesday November 05, 2008

Holes in the Wall

My boyfriend punched a hole in the wall because he was so mad at me for apparently nagging...does he have anger issues, or is that how guys tend to handle it?

- Asked by greeneyed26, A Creative, Female, 29-35, Portland, Medical / Dental

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is a frogs ass water-tight?

- Response by rollinhigheh, A Life of the Party, Male, 36-45, Who Cares?

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That's how a guy often handles it when he reaches his mental breaking point..

I've done it, and I've witnessed nearly every one of my friends do it too. However every guy has a fuse with a different length..

- Response by mritguy, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 29-35, Houston, Technical

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I'd get away from him before his target changes from the wall to you.

- Response by seductivepisces9, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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ANGER ISSUES. (I wish I could type that in HUGE letters)

if he can't keep control himself then dump his overbearing ass!!!

- Response by jaemac, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Vancouver, Artist / Musician / Writer

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He has issues..and I'd run like hell..really.

- Response by bikerchick1, A Life of the Party, Female, 36-45, Atlanta, Financial / Banking

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Anger Issues

- Response by deliaj, A Creative, Female, 36-45, New York, Managerial

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Yes, he has anger management issues.

You need to get out immediately.

The next punch will be on you.

Tell him you will gladly reconsider having a cup of coffee with him after he successfully completes an anger management program.

- Response by utahmom, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Managerial

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yes he has anger issues, becareful if you see more red flags.

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 36-45

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the way i see it is you should thank God he punched the wall instead of u

- Response by morena1112, A Thinker, Female, 36-45

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My dad used to do things like that. Believe me, it only gets worse with time. Run away while you still can.

- Response by justpassingthru, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Financial / Banking

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I have seen and heard of people doing this and if they can't control their anger any better than that, they need anger management classes.

- Response by barbb, An Alternative Girl, Female, Who Cares?, Other Profession

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I'm wondering about your nagging. Do you have a control issue, or is that how women handle it?

- Response by greenwind, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 56-65, Construction

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Punching holes in walls isn't normal behaviour for men or anyone for that matter. He hit the wall to avoid hitting you but some day you will be his target. He needs to find better ways to relieve the anger than punching things. You need to avoid men who have to be physical when frustrated or angry. Rosey

- Response by roseytalks, A Thinker, Female, Who Cares?, Tampa, Who Cares?

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eventually that wall could be you, I would get out... and get out fast. :-)

- Response by mel2583, A Sweet Sarah, Female, 29-35, Self-Employed

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I don't think he has any anger issues any more than anyone else. I would question your admitted nagging. Why do you [and all women] feel it is your right as a woman to nag? There are many ways to express yourself and also promote whatever change you desire, other than constant nagging, bitching or whining.

Intelligent conversation is usually the most effective way to accomplish anything. Sadly, many people flash their emotions much faster than they can form a good sentence.

- Response by singledad281, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 46-55, Houston, Hospitality

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I have done it, and instead of letting my son see it anymore, I got out of the relationship. A lot of guys do it even though it's not always the best way to deal with things. I do have a temper, but never once did I ever hit her. I was in the garage when I actually did it, so my son didn't actually SEE it, but he did hear it. Me and his mom just weren't as compatible as we thought and it was just plain and simply time to pull the plug on a relationship that was basically on life support. I wouldn't say he has anger issues just because he punched a wall. He probably does if that is always the way he handles stuff, but if not, he probably just let a lot of things build up that he just couldn't keep in anymore. I tend to do it myself. I'm not a person who opens up a lot. I don't like to talk to just anyone. I don't condone what he did, but guys just tend to handle things that way sometimes.

- Response by newdad, A Jock, Male, 36-45, Las Vegas, Transportation

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Anger issues? Yes.

Potential abuser? Not necessarily. To say he's eventually gonna hit you because he hit a wall is like saying anyone who hunts deer will eventually shoot a person.

Again, he does have issues and they do need to be addressed, but not in the context of treating him like a potential or future abuser. In my younger, dumber days, I did punch a couple of walls and even broke a couple of lamps in anger, but I've NEVER hit a woman. BIG difference. "Breakfast does not cause lunch."

- Response by rokitman, A Creative, Male, 36-45, Artist / Musician / Writer

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Also, if he keeps punching walls, he's eventually gonna hit a stud in the wall and break his hand. That happens just one time, and I promise you, his wall-punching days will come to a screeching halt....

- Response by rokitman, A Creative, Male, 36-45, Artist / Musician / Writer

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Uhm...dear, that is not healthy....if not the wall...what next? Hitting you? SOunds like he has some major anger issues. Bad temper, violent anger.....that is not goind to be a healthy making of a good stable relationship!

- Response by divatoonami, A Trendsetter, Female, 36-45, Administrative

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A friend of a friend got fired for punching a hole in the wall at work because he was mad at a customer. He asked me out. I stayed far away after hearing this story. Who needs that kind of anger in their life? Don't put up with it.

- Response by waitinggirl22, A Thinker, Female, Who Cares?, Los Angeles

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I've got furious a number of time but not to the point of wanting to punch stuff.

I say he has anger issues.

- Response by troublemaker, A Mr. Married Guy, Male, 29-35, Managerial

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No, guys don't normally handle things this way. He has anger issues, and one day you will be that wall unless he gets help. Depending if you're serious, I mean really serious about being concerned, you should go and volunteer at a women's shelter and talk to some of their residents. Go and ask your father or any of the men in your family. They should know just in case you show up with a bruised body or face.

- Response by rhunt0210, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 46-55, Other Profession

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I'd say he has anger issues and you're not helping him by nagging. I don't like to be nagged either, in fact; I hate it and I understand how he feels. Why don't you talk to him in a sensible manner? My mother is a big nag, so bad that I did not want to visit her. I live too far away now to visit often, I have not seen her in two years. When I did live closer, I would see her more, the first thing she did when I entered her door would be to nag me about something.

Does he become angry over other issues besides nagging? Do you want to continue the relationship with him? If so, try to work something out with him and stop your nagging. Hindsite is always 20/20. I once dated a guy who was quick to anger, the relationship lasted over 3 years. To this day, I regret that I didn't dump his a** before 3 years. I took a lot of crap from him that I shouldn't have but sometimes experience is the best teacher.

If you think you may be in any danger of him hitting you, break up with him. Next time it may be you instead of the wall.

- Response by A Married Girl, Female, Who Cares?, Who Cares?

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People tend to handle frustrations and stressors differently and those who punch holes in the walls may think it's 'easier' to do that than to inflict harm on can be deemed an anger issue but maybe it's the only way he was taught to deal with his anger...:)

- Response by fastball, A Cool Mom, Female, 36-45, Edmonton, Self-Employed

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I will tell you exactly what this is. My whole family does it boy's and girl's. So he probably did this because you probably do nag more then you should. If someone is punching a hole in the wall then he's reached his mental breaking point and youre the cause of it. Im not trying to be rude but maybe you should just back off the nagging.

- Response by babylila, A Player, Female, 26-28, Sacramento

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Wow. You must of gone on and on and on.... drip, drip, drip, Nag, Nag, Nag, Nag, Nag, Nag,Nag, Nag, Nag,Nag, Nag, Nag,Nag, Nag, Nag,Nag, Nag, Nag,Nag, Nag, Nag,Nag, Nag, Nag,Nag, Nag, Nag,Nag, Nag, Nag,Nag, Nag, Nag,Nag, Nag, Nag,Nag, Nag, Nag,Nag, Nag, Nag,...... For him to do that.

Otherwise he has anger issues.

- Response by hands, A Creative, Male, 46-55, Hong Kong, Who Cares?

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He has anger issues.

- Response by bluebird300, A Creative, Female, 46-55, Pittsburgh, Farming

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When he acts that way, you should just walk away and tell him what a piece of white trash he is.

- Response by anonymouspersona, A Hippie Chick, Female, 29-35, Miami, Administrative

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My ex-husband used to do that kind of stuff.

He ended up beating the crap out of me.

He has serious anger issues. He needs to get help. If he doesn't, you need to kick him to the curb. Trust me, as life gets more complicated, it gets much worse.

- Response by myndseye711, A Cool Mom, Female, 29-35, Managerial

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Sounds to me like he has anger issues, and you have nagging issues :)

- Response by mrmusic, A Mr. Married Guy, Male, 56-65, Los Angeles, Artist / Musician / Writer

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No., this isn't the way guys tend to handle things. My X/H used to punch holes in walls, throw things, break things...and blame me for pushing his buttons. Things eventually got worse and I left him. Stay away from men with anger issues. Let them deal with those on their own without you as a teacher. You're way to young and pretty (assuming that's your photo), you're a student so you're advancing your mind and future and have to much going for you to put up with any intimidation from a man (or anyone). And by the way, what a lame excuse ... "apparently nagging". Take care of yourself. xx

- Response by bonairelibra, A Hippie Chick, Female, 46-55, Self-Employed

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Next time he won't punch the wall - he will punch you.

I had one of those. It escalated to throwing my stuff on the floor - I didn't wait around until he threw ME on the floor.

Leave now baby, this is not normal.

- Response by SassyMonique, A Creative, Female, 36-45, Other Profession

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OMG.... I have beeen there and done that, RUN, do not walk away from this man. It WILL escalate. I have had 3 broken ribs, a broken finger, broken left ankle, and almost lost my baby (our baby) because I "made him hit me by not knowing when to shut up". 9 years later, the best decision I ever made was leaving my husband. It's hard, but not as hard as when your parents,family and friends are attending your funeral. GET OUT. If you seriously need help learning how, let me know, I will find you help.

- Response by nicolegillenwater, A Thinker, Female, 36-45

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Yes he has anger issues. Some would says that's better than hitting you, but a real man can control himself and not resort to physical expression.

- Response by dragonblade, A Rebel, Male, Who Cares?, Artist / Musician / Writer

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The good thing is he hit the wall and not you, but he still needs to learn to control his anger. He has issues...

- Response by kira85, A Sweet Sarah, Female, 29-35, Dallas, Financial / Banking

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He has anger issues if he can punch a wall be careful. My ex has anger issues and that leads to abuse. A man knows how to let his anger go eventually.

- Response by debski, A Career Woman, Female, 36-45, Detroit, Science / Engineering

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Underlying issues could have affected his mood even more than usual. I'm not saying he has any excuse to make you feel threatened in any way but I was married once and was told I was the perfect wife and he still lost control of himself and punched walls and broke stuff in our house. I would ask him what issues he's going through. If he can't control himself, then he needs to at least talk about it and/or walk away the next time he wants to damage anything or anyone valuable including you!

- Response by surfer30, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Charlotte, Internet / New Media

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First, it seems like almost 100% of the women are in agreement about this and they're all pretty much wrong.

Anger comes out when a person hits a breaking point of frustration. So, your guy might need to learn some better tools for dealing with his anger rather than punching things.

But just about every guy has a breaking point. The ones who say they don't haven't dated the wrong people I guess.

I'm trying to think of any guy I know who has never punched anything when he got mad...

...the only guys that I can think of who never "act out" either have great partners or they are cheating on their partner so it doesn't matter to them what she does.

The best guy, best father, best dad that I know among all of my friends has punched a hole in a wall a few times. His kids are totally great, his wife is very bright and intelligent, and they value each other enough to stay married. They have a GREAT and LOVING family.

What is he supposed to do? Go in the bathroom and cry with tissues if he gets upset? Of course not.

Sure, he shouldn't lose his temper and hit the wall but, over a lifetime, just about every guy has done that once or twice.

Women have this absolute, complete, utter bullshit that says, "Get out, if he hit the wall, he'll hit your face next."

What this means is, they are paranoid because they've been abused...

But saying that a guy is going to beat you because he hit a wall is like saying you're going to be struck by lightning because you saw a few drops of rain.

Watch most professional atheletes or coaches react to a bad call from a ref.

Are hockey players going home and beating their wives?

Are boxers going home and beating their wives?

Do this... both of you go to a communication class. You'll both learn a ton about how to talk to each other and work together to get what you want. If you both want to do that, he'll be a million times less frustrated and so will you, and it'll fix this.

Women have such a double standard about this stuff that it's sick... tons and tons of women slap their guy, grab him, block him into a room when they're nagging, bear-hug him, throw stuff...

Sheryl Crow wrote about "are you man enough to be my man" when she is "throwing punches in the air".

Why is that stuff ok for women to do?

Your guy is just hurting and angry. Next time you see him do that, it's the equivalent of you calling your mom, crying because he's a jerk.

He needs to get better tools to deal with this stuff and you can both do that together. That way, even if the relationship didn't work out, neither of you would take this stuff to the next relationship.

Good luck.

An again... NO, it does NOT mean he's going to hit you.

Maybe 1 out of 1,000 guys who hits a wall goes on to be abusive to his partner, and there are probably guys who DON'T hit walls that go on to abuse their partners.

Figure out why you are both frustrated and fix it.

Good luck.

- Response by wp2007, A Creative, Male, 36-45, Pittsburgh, Artist / Musician / Writer

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It sounds like expressing anger issues. I don't punch things, but I do get real quiet.

- Response by zerotohero2, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 36-45, Los Angeles, Who Cares?

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if all guys did that there would be a lot more repair men in the world, don't you think?

- Response by lmarks, A Life of the Party, Male, 29-35, Los Angeles, Who Cares?

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if he punched the wall (not you) and he didn't call you names, and he doesn't do it often... I'd say he has enough control of himself. sometimes, men get REALLY mad, it's the testostrone, i think, and that's when you can really tell the quality of a man: does he take it out on people, on things, or more constructively go somewhere alone till he's calmed down.

regardless, you two clearly have communication issues to work out.

- Response by js800, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Chicago, Student

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Time to find you a hit man!!

- Response by boxer1, A Guy Critical, Male, 46-55, Self-Employed

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Actually, it does show he has some anger issues. Better the wall than you. My boyfriend has done it and has never hit me. The thing is I told him if he didn't replace the door he punched a whole in, he wasn't going to be staying at my house anymore. A couple of hours putting up the door and like 100 bucks later, he swore he would never do that again and he hasn't. For him he said he just had a bad temper and he had been holding alot in and it just sort of came out. I know from the bottom of my heart he would never lay a hand on me, that's just something you are going to have to decide. Good luck!

Also, alot of woman don't like to admit it, but sometimes the men are provoked with the b**chin and nagging, a person can only handle so much. By no means is it ok to punch the wall but be sure he's not the only one at fault. A real woman can admit when she makes mistakes.....

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Other Profession

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Well....maybe he does have some anger issues but that doesn't mean that you're going to be next. My boyfriend did it once and I told him him that if he didn't replace the door he punched a whole in, he would not be staying the night at my house ever again. The next day he was up bright and early and a couple of hours and like $100 later, he swore he would it would never happen again and it hasn't. I'm not at all saying that this behavior is ok but I truly beleive with all my heart that my boyfriend would never lay a hand on me and that's for you to decide. Also, most woman won't own up to bitchin and nagging and if yu had someone in your face all day, it would definitly get on your nerves. This is the way I see it, before you do something like that, put yourself in the other person's shoes and see how you would feel. Anyway, I hope it all works out, best of luck!!!

- Response by crazybeautiful2508, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Other Profession

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Get away from this man if he won't seek treatment to deal with his issues. You will be next and you don't deserve it. Good luck.

- Response by sailorman, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 66 or older, Technical

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some guys have anger issues, and that`s how some handle it. but honestly i think he punched the wall so keep from hitting you.

- Response by prettysoul21, A Thinker, Female, 22-25

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Ya I would think he has some anger issues. Maybe he's reach his limit. I've punched shit because I just was so stressed out, pissed off, angry at the world and couldn't control it. Have him take a stress or anger management class. Not saying he would ever hit you, but you don't ever want it to get to that point either.

- Response by mhnsmom, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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I had a husband like that, and I was always glad it was a hole in the wall, rather than a bruise on my face. That should answer your question.

- Response by tortureu2, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Other Profession

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Yes he has anger you issues. I make him take angry mangement classes or get out of the realtionship. Don't have any children with him.

- Response by twilightzone85, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 29-35, Milwaukee, Food Service

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Not cool, he has issues.. Not normal.


- Response by easynow23, A Player, Female, 46-55, Detroit, Therapist

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yes, he has anger issues, my ex boyfriend for six years use to do that the first two years he didn't but then he started punching walls then he started punching me

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Boston, Who Cares?

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Sounds like an anger issue to me. If it were your face would it convince you?


- Response by fruit7792, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 66 or older, Miami, Retail

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na its a guy thing believe me i hang out w guys all the time they do that its all good

- Response by spices21, A Thinker, Female, 26-28, Military

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It is not good. It might be common but the next thing he might hit is you.... and I am telling you this from personal experience. So please leave now...

- Response by eiramlos, A Creative, Female, 29-35, Milwaukee, Teaching

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1. First of all it upset/scared you - it needs to stop.
2. No, hitting a wall doesn't always lead to domestic violence, but as a clinical social worker, I have counseled enough guys to know that after a certain age it means they aren't managing their issues very well. Generally, it can be written off with immaturity.
3. However, if he has never acted out in rage, or has had some really heavy stuff in his life lately, then maybe it is a once in blue moon/never regular experience..but he needs to figure out how to deal with whatever is going on.
4. Anytime a guy blames his bad behavior on's time to go.

- Response by capecod1969, A Trendsetter, Female, 46-55

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Get out.

Get out of the relationship, and far away from this guy. A man who can punch a hole in the wall is a man who can punch YOU in the face. Don't even question it. This person clearly has anger issues, and there is nothing that you can do to help him. He has to seek intensive help immediately; but in the meanwhile, don't stick around to find out what he will punch next. This violent behavior is dangerous, and you do not deserve to be his victim. This is how abusive relationships begin.

Just get out.

- Response by graceelliott, A Thinker, Female, 29-35

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Maybe you should stop your nagging. I know how much of a bitch us women can be. Sometimes it can very well irritate the shit out of a man.

- Response by nikkilovesfred27, An Alternative Girl, Female, 29-35, Retail

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Honestly that isn't a good sign. People can resolve their anger without punching holes in the wall. He really should get someone to talk to him about that because who knows if he will get tired of hitting the wall and instead bring harm to you. Even if it's a one time thing, I would still be cautious.

- Response by appberri, A Sweet Sarah, Female, 26-28, Medical / Dental

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take into consideration that most people who answered you are women... on the male POV iv punched a whole in the wall when i lost in a video game.. doest mean i have issues =D. just tell him u got scared or how ever u felt and see what he says about it. he should apologize and tell u that hell never hurt you etc.. if not. thats another story..

- Response by apocalypse, A Jock, Male, 26-28, Newark, Who Cares?

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Only immature people punch things when they are angry. He definitely has an anger issue.

- Response by tnix123, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 36-45, New York, Managerial

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my boyfriend punched a hole in our bedroom wall yesterday, because I was nagging.
I feel bad for my part but I nag because I ask nicely several times if he can do little things around the house like fill the 3 water jugs or take off the satellite on the patio fence for cable we don't have anymore that there charging us $300 for. Or please go with me to get my car smogged since he knows this machinic stuff, nope still 6 months later no smog test, but it's always my car we drive in because he has no licsense or tags!
Maybe MEN that's why we naggggg! we do a lot for you and the home and kids( if kids) and we ask for some simple help and we don't get it. So I go and do these things by myself, while he tends to his costly $1,000 fish tank that keeps soaking up money we don't have. that's the first thing he worries about when he wakes up and goes to bed. Maybe you men should act more grown instead of hitting walls then crying like he did.
My point is we nag because of a man who only cares for himself after we have put so much time and effort and sometimes get nothing in return.

- Response by A Cool Mom, Female, 36-45, Los Angeles, Fashion

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