Thank you for your many years of support. We want to share the news with you that after much consideration, will cease operations in its present format on October 15th. We appreciate your meaningful contributions over the years.
Back to Home

Active Questions

Dealing with a selfish partner in a relationship
Dating / 2:14 PM - Wednesday September 03, 2008

dealing with a selfish partner in a relationship

Hi all
I am going out with someone for the past 9 months now and it is really special that we are thinking of getting married in the future. But he is a very selfish person who is not willing to change his lazy selfish bachelor lifestyle. Basically I am wondering can you make a selfish person change or will they always stay the same. always thinking of themselves and never putting anyone else b4 themselves. I have tried talking to him explaning that if we were to get married i couldn't marry a lazy selfish person. I thought that would shock him to the core(thinking that I would leave him), but it seems that he has not tried to change his lifestyle. help please I don't know whether I should invest in this future or nor....

Update: September 03, 2008.
Thanks a million for getting back to me. u have given me a lot to think about that I need to start putting myself forward...

- Asked by Female, 36-45

Read more about the Rating System

I don't want to tell you to dump him but.... please give serious thought before you marry him. You cannot change a person. Good Luck

- Response by almostcoolmom4, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, New York, Other Profession

Rating Received:

You are asking a question I think alot of people ponder before making a serious committment. In my experience a person has to want to change inorder to make the change. I have not seen anyone successfully change someone else.

Having said that there are a few things you might try to communicate the gravity of the situation for you. Would you and/or he ever consider going to a therpaist or trusted advisor to discuss your relationship challenge? Would you ever consider taking a break to gain perspective on what your options are?

Having some time and some confidants to reflect your deepest desires may be useful as you approach your decision.

- Response by lasirenamorena, A Career Woman, Female, 36-45, Executive

Rating Received:

Nope, you shouldn't invest. He gave you his answer to your posted question when he did nothing to change his behavior. You said it, he is selfish and lazy. Why would you want someone with those characteristics for your boyfriend, let alone your husband and possible father of your children! He is more into himself than you, hon. That is it.
If he was more into you, he would be showing signs of change.
Don't waste anymore of your time, which is valuable, on this dude. Find someone who really cares for you.

- Response by bbmcgee1, A Married Girl, Female, 46-55, Los Angeles, Home Maker

Rating Received:

You can't change people, only learn how to deal with them. If he won't change now, he won't change after you're married. You have stated that you could not marry a lazy selfish person, I'd say that's your answer to your question.

- Response by A Married Girl, Female, Who Cares?, Who Cares?

Rating Received:

No, he will not change.

Why are you in a relationship with someone who is lazy and selfish? Find a man you can admire. Date him a minimum of 3 - 5 years before even remotely considering marriage.

- Response by utahmom, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Managerial

Rating Received:

Listen to me very carefully!!.....DON'T invest in the future with this guy or it'll be the biggest mistake of your life!!! Leopards don't their spots and neither will this guy change his ways!! Find someone who wants to put 100% into a committment with you and someone who's willing to compromise because he loves you!! Best of luck to you! :)

- Response by scrapper1941, A Thinker, Female, 66 or older, Retired

Rating Received:

DO NOT marry someone thinking they will change. You must love them for who they are right now! Good luck.

- Response by A Career Woman, Female, 46-55, Administrative

Rating Received:

I have been married for almost 6 years with a man who is very selfish more so narcissistic. I only knew my husband for 10 months before getting married so I did not give myself enough time to really get to know him. My life for the last 6 years has been very stressful and miserable. Love is very important but it takes much more than love to make a marriage work. Speaking from experience, my advice to you is to really consider marrying this man. What bothers you now will not get better. You must ask yourself, are you willing to deal with his selfishness, if not then you must not marry him. To begin with, marriages have their obstacles to deal with such as finance, compromise, respect and communication. Any more to add to these obstacles only makes marriage harder.

- Response by A Creative, Female, 36-45

Rating Received:

I am dating a selfish man for 7 years now, but i finally discovered i cannot take it anymore. he's trying to change, he's doing things now i couldn't even imagine he can do it for me. but, the problem is i don't trust him, i dont believe that people could really change. and, feeling that he's changing just because he was afraid to lose me, this is soo selfishness.
believe me, you will not be happy. i spent all 7 years long miserable person/

- Response by jeniferjeni86, A Hippie Chick, Female, 29-35, Consulting

Rating Received: