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Dealing with a selfish partner in a relationship
Dating / 2:14 PM - Wednesday September 03, 2008

dealing with a selfish partner in a relationship

Hi all
I am going out with someone for the past 9 months now and it is really special that we are thinking of getting married in the future. But he is a very selfish person who is not willing to change his lazy selfish bachelor lifestyle. Basically I am wondering can you make a selfish person change or will they always stay the same. always thinking of themselves and never putting anyone else b4 themselves. I have tried talking to him explaning that if we were to get married i couldn't marry a lazy selfish person. I thought that would shock him to the core(thinking that I would leave him), but it seems that he has not tried to change his lifestyle. help please I don't know whether I should invest in this future or nor....

Update: September 03, 2008.
Thanks a million for getting back to me. u have given me a lot to think about that I need to start putting myself forward...

- Asked by Female, 36-45

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I don't want to tell you to dump him but.... please give serious thought before you marry him. You cannot change a person. Good Luck

- Response by almostcoolmom4, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, New York, Other Profession

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You are asking a question I think alot of people ponder before making a serious committment. In my experience a person has to want to change inorder to make the change. I have not seen anyone successfully change someone else.

Having said that there are a few things you might try to communicate the gravity of the situation for you. Would you and/or he ever consider going to a therpaist or trusted advisor to discuss your relationship challenge? Would you ever consider taking a break to gain perspective on what your options are?

Having some time and some confidants to reflect your deepest desires may be useful as you approach your decision.

- Response by lasirenamorena, A Career Woman, Female, 36-45, Executive

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Nope, you shouldn't invest. He gave you his answer to your posted question when he did nothing to change his behavior. You said it, he is selfish and lazy. Why would you want someone with those characteristics for your boyfriend, let alone your husband and possible father of your children! He is more into himself than you, hon. That is it.
If he was more into you, he would be showing signs of change.
Don't waste anymore of your time, which is valuable, on this dude. Find someone who really cares for you.

- Response by bbmcgee1, A Married Girl, Female, 46-55, Los Angeles, Home Maker

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You can't change people, only learn how to deal with them. If he won't change now, he won't change after you're married. You have stated that you could not marry a lazy selfish person, I'd say that's your answer to your question.

- Response by A Married Girl, Female, Who Cares?, Who Cares?

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No, he will not change.

Why are you in a relationship with someone who is lazy and selfish? Find a man you can admire. Date him a minimum of 3 - 5 years before even remotely considering marriage.

- Response by utahmom, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Managerial

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Listen to me very carefully!!.....DON'T invest in the future with this guy or it'll be the biggest mistake of your life!!! Leopards don't their spots and neither will this guy change his ways!! Find someone who wants to put 100% into a committment with you and someone who's willing to compromise because he loves you!! Best of luck to you! :)

- Response by scrapper1941, A Thinker, Female, 66 or older, Retired

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How can a man that is "very selfish, not willing to change, and is lazy," be a special relationship? Why would you even consider marrying a man that you're already asking whether or not you can change? "He thinks of no one but himself?" Why are you with this man? Right now, he should be enjoying his bachelor lifestyle, because he is one. He's not married to you yet. You've been going out for 9 months and behaving "like" you're married. But, the truth is, right now, you're not. That's why it's special to him. Because, if he's all you say he is. Can you really trust that this man considers you anymore than a FWB's? You can get mad at what I'm saying if you want to. But, what you're saying contradicts the "specialness" you feel. You're already having to have "talks" with this man about how he is. Let me tell you this, who you see now, is who you'll be married to later. If that's not what you want, move on.

Because, with all of the time invested, all of the specialness, and all of the "thinking of getting married," he still cares, according to you; only about himself. I'm confused, "if we get married, I couldn't marry a lazy selfish person." Well, as it stands you've been happy going out with this person for 9 months, and you call the relationship special, and you want to marry this man. Now, you need to realize and accept the man he is. Or, you need to move on. You've already invested 9 months in this person, believe it or not, each day, IS YOUR FUTURE, that's life going by. He doesn't seem to be investing much. You need to ask yourself, "Is this man, how he is today, the man I want to spend the rest of my life with?" Imagine that he will not change. Please don't settle. I know you love him, even if I don't understand exactly what it is you love about him? But, you have to know you deserve better. There are plenty of men out there who would love you and not be selfish or self-centered. He'll care about what's best for you, instead of just pleasing himself. Don't miss out, wanting someone you don't really want, but hoping he'll change. The risk isn't worth it.

- Response by thelovedovefor1, A Creative, Female, 46-55, Atlanta, Who Cares?

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DO NOT marry someone thinking they will change. You must love them for who they are right now! Good luck.

- Response by A Career Woman, Female, 46-55, Administrative

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I have been married for almost 6 years with a man who is very selfish more so narcissistic. I only knew my husband for 10 months before getting married so I did not give myself enough time to really get to know him. My life for the last 6 years has been very stressful and miserable. Love is very important but it takes much more than love to make a marriage work. Speaking from experience, my advice to you is to really consider marrying this man. What bothers you now will not get better. You must ask yourself, are you willing to deal with his selfishness, if not then you must not marry him. To begin with, marriages have their obstacles to deal with such as finance, compromise, respect and communication. Any more to add to these obstacles only makes marriage harder.

- Response by A Creative, Female, 36-45

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I am dating a selfish man for 7 years now, but i finally discovered i cannot take it anymore. he's trying to change, he's doing things now i couldn't even imagine he can do it for me. but, the problem is i don't trust him, i dont believe that people could really change. and, feeling that he's changing just because he was afraid to lose me, this is soo selfishness.
believe me, you will not be happy. i spent all 7 years long miserable person/

- Response by jeniferjeni86, A Hippie Chick, Female, 29-35, Consulting

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