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Husband says hurtful things during argument
Married Life / 5:44 PM - Tuesday August 26, 2008

Husband says hurtful things during argument

This is for guys and for even women to answer if they have ever had this sort of problem in a relationship. My husband and I have been married for several years. We have a pretty good marriage although financial hardships and his hurt back condition have made it rocky at times. I have never doubted his love for me but at times he can be very difficult to understand. For instance, if we have a heated argument he can get verbally abusive toward me. Not physical, just verbal. He can say very hurtful things to me and name call. For example, he will say something like "Get your fat ass out of this room" if I go and try to talk problems over with him, etc. He has always called me beautiful and sexy, etc. and said I could be a model, etc. but then when we argue he is destructive toward me and these comments really hurt me. I have talked to him about this horrible behavior and explained to him how it hurts me and asked him if he really thinks I am fat or have a fat ass, etc.? Because it is confusing to me when just a day or so ago he called me hot and beautiful. It is very frustrating when my husband acts like this. He will reply when I ask him this and say "No, you aren't fat but your ass is" He thinks I need to lose some weight in my butt. I tend to hold some extra weight there but I do not by no means have a really big butt. He will say this over and over again in future arguments even though he knows it hurts me. I believe he does it just to "get to me" Do any of the other ladies out there have a similar problem like this? To me , it just seems very immature and verbally abusive on his part toward me. It is going to cause trust issues meaning that when he does tell me I am pretty and sexy I won't know whether to believe him or not bc of what he says when we are arguing. I never remark about his weight even though he is overweight himself. Thanks for the input.

- Asked by Female, 36-45

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Isn't it funny how people with no room to talk themselves are the ones that like to dish it out?
You have told him that this hurts you yet he uses it again and again. Now, that would make me angry enough to pack... but you're married to the man...
You could mirror everything that he says to you, "Did you say that I have a fat butt? Did you say that I need to lose weight in my butt? Is this what you choose to say?"
If he says, "Yes," let him have it.
Tell him that people in glass houses shouldn't throw rocks. If he's stupid enough to ask, "What do you mean by that?" Tell him point blank that he's a fat boy with way more to loose than you.

- Response by pookiedoo, A Creative, Female, 46-55, Who Cares?

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Insist on marriage counseling and if he won't go -- there's your answer. No person should EVER put up with verbal abuse.

- Response by utahmom, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Managerial

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O.K., I don't know you. But, listen to me. Respect is what you must always expect, and if not received then demanded....from a s/o, sibling, friend, child and especially Spouse! Verbal abuse is just that, abuse. One thing all abusers know, instinctively, is who they can abuse. When a predator goes after it's prey on the Sarenghetti, it spends a lot of it's time studying that prey before pouncing. An abuser will study the abusee for awhile before attempting to abuse. If they know they can abuse, they will. AND, and this is most important; if they abuse, and get away with it just once, it is hot wired into their brains that this abusee will allow abuse again! It is your duty to make sure that if he abuses you once, he knows he can NEVER abuse you again! You should never be treated in a marriage in any way that is demeaning. Hopefully, you have a spouse that never does treat you so. And, you won't have to say anything...but, if you ever have to, they should listen. If they don't, you have to get out. I've seen women who have taken physical abuse and women who have taken mental/emotional/verbal abuse...and, the soul of them all is the same devastation. Don't allow this. You have to stand up for you. It might be as simple as; "Honey, I'm not comfortable when you say these things." If he doesn't listen, you may have to get some outside help, because verbal abuse will wear you down, sistah!

- Response by stringjammer, A Career Man, Male, 56-65, Chicago, Self-Employed

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Tell him you won't talk to him unless he sticks to the topic at hand at stops his name calling. That is borderline verbal abuse. And very rude and inconsiderate. Disrespectful. Not to mention ridiculous, since he is apparently overweight himself. Ask him how he would feel if you pointed out his flabby gut or other flaws (Balding? Bad teeth? Big nose? Small "you know"?) during an argument.

- Response by silver75, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Stockholm, Other Profession

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So you start fights with him and don't care that you are being verbally destructive to him - It is just when he does that to you that you see it as hurtful and wrong?

Wow, he seems like a total bastard. And I don't think you are stupid or unfair or emotionally unstable.

Hey look, I make joke.

- Response by bailarenfuego, A Guy Critical, Male, 46-55, Technical

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When men are upset they do say the most hurtful things, but pick your own battles, if he is a good husband over all then let some stuff slide but if you are unhappy about your marriage because of constant verbal abuse then you need to see a marriage councelor. he should know that you work hard too for the family and you don't deserve the things he says to you, if you would never hurt him with words then he shouldn't hurt you that way no matter how upset he is.

- Response by chrisliyean, A Married Girl, Female, 29-35, Toronto, Home Maker

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I too am going through the same situation, my husband , however always compliments me and never calls me fat. But he does call me other names and makes me feel worthless. When he is mad at any given situation and I try to comfort him by talking to him he gets upset at whatever i say and goes on from there, he starts arguing with me and tells me i am retarded for thinking the way i do, im not normal, he tells me being with me is like being with an animal since they understand so little, I have been told that im not normal because i dont think or see things like he does, He is a very smart men but i ask myself if he is soo smart why cant he see what he is doing to me, to us! he has controlling issues, we live together and whenever I user the house phone and leave it around the house for whatever reasons he gets very upset when he looks for it and cant find it. He raises hell and continues yelling at me as if i were a little girl. I tell him why i left the phone elsewhere, most times is because is easier for me if im cooking , cleaning to get to it. He doesnt care to hear that, he says " You always have an excuse for everyrthing" ... I feel like this is my home, I pay rent, Bills etc just like he does and I have every right to do whatever it is I want to do in my own house ! Not to mention I feel like a little girl being yelled at by her father. Im an adult, his wife. Im very humble and i believe respect is a must , most times i dont even defend myself and I need to do just that so he can get that I will not tolerate this any longer. Im in the process of deciding wether I want to stay in this relationship or not, he is very demeaning and makes me feel like a nobody whenever he feels he needs to let go some stress and does it by insulting the only person thats been there for him through out the years , ME ! So , I wanted to say, Im with you and I know how you feel, I wont recommend you do to him as he does to you, you would only become what he is and that my friend is something you dont want. Good luck and my thought and prayers are with you. My best to you ... Sonia

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Boston, Fashion

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MY husband said a hurtful thing to me last night we were talking about looks and he told me that he saw the most beautiful person in the world and then he said i do not look half as beautiful as her. he always tells me i am beautiful and how he bought it out in me. Last night though it really hurt to hear him say that. it really crushed my thoughts. it lowered my self esteem very much. it hurt so bad. yes he did get down on his knees and apologize but i am still hurt by it. he thinks every thing is ok but its not. i a hurt really hurt. you just have to do alot of praying. sticks and stones may break your bones but words hurt too. they hurt that they stick with you all your life.

- Response by A Married Girl, Female, 36-45, Administrative

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I think you all care way too much what another person thinks. It's an opinion-and honestly, the only person you should be worries about impressing is God. You can always find bad in someone-and you can always find good. I teach little kids, reward the bad behavior it will continue. My suggestion: walk away. Who cares what they think. If they don't like you: let them leave. Not worth it. That's why women that are "biitches " are happy: they don't care what other people think. When your stupid husband calls you fat: say "that's not what the guy at the bagel shop thought" and walk away......sorry your husbands a moron. mental capacity of a two year old. And to the girl who's husband saw a beautiful women-that's just rediculious. There are beautiful people everywhere-you should of said "so ironic-I saw the most beautiful man today too" these guys your with are idiots. Sorry

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 56-65, New York

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