Back to Search

Uncensored Responses

She's my wife dammit...she will be there....
She's my wife dammit...she will be there.... / Family & Parenting / 6:26 PM - Monday May 12, 2008
E-Mail Me
A Married Girl (Female, 29-35, Administrative) asked:


A man is remarried...his oldest daughter will be graduating...but the ex wife (daughter's mother) does not want the new wife to attend the graduation. What would you do? Still go?

Update: May 12, 2008.
The deal is.....I am the new wife...stepdaughter will be graduating in 2010....I am a thinker...an over thinker....I know I could just ask my husband this...but I was wondering what you all thought...I know that the ex wife would not want me to come...but it would be up to the daughter to decide right? But just say...hypothetically... what if she doesn't want me to come...and just wants her daddy there? If you were him....would you still go? Or would you go only if your wife accompanies you? Thanks to all... they have been divorced for over 9years...so I am not the cause of their divorce...he left her because she cheated on him...she has broken up every relationship he has had...except ours...but she is just mean...that is why I know she wouldn't want me there....


READ MORE ABOUT THE RATING SYSTEM


E-Mail Me

An Alternative Girl (Female, 29-35, Financial / Banking) answered:

Screenname: stuckinthe80s


definitely go!! if you and your step-daughter have a good relationship, and you are a part of her life, i would think she would want you there. just because her mother is being immature does not mean you should not share in that milestone with her.

i come from a divorced family, and never did one of my parents say they did not want one of my step-parents at an event. All four of my parents have been at all the important events in my life.

Rating Received:


E-Mail Me

A Creative (Female, 22-25, Other Profession) answered:

Screenname: leebee


I think if the new wife is involved as a step mother then yes she should be there.
If she would be going just to bug the mom, and has no relationship with the child, then she needs to step down and not go for the sake of the child.
Kids don't need that sort of drama surrounding them.
I think in general adults need to start acting like adults.
The former wife should get over it, and the new wife should know when to step down for the sake of the daughter.

Rating Received:

Community Rating: Community Star

E-Mail Me

A Life of the Party (Female, Indianapolis, 46-55, Administrative) answered:

Screenname: kmf1


I would go and sit next to my husband and she could kiss my ass if she didn't like it.....

Rating Received:


E-Mail Me

A Creative (Female, Vancouver, 22-25, Student) answered:

Screenname: angeluscado


What is the stepdaughter's opinion on the matter? It's her day, after all, and if she wants her parents and stepmother to be there, there's nothing the mother can really do.

Rating Received:


E-Mail Me

A Rebel (Male, Who Cares?) answered:

Screenname: chilledoutboy


if i had an ex wife i would care what she thought
if it was the other way round it would be more complex

Rating Received:


E-Mail Me

A Mr. Nice Guy (Male, Phoenix, 46-55, Self-Employed) answered:

Screenname: rbinaz


My ex-wife would not get to make that decision for me. I would go and so would my new wife. I would not miss my daughters graduation.

Rating Received:


E-Mail Me

A Career Woman (Female, 46-55, Who Cares?) answered:

Screenname: baddgirl


I don't care what the ex-wife wants. I would honor what the graduating daughter wants. If she would be more comfortable with you not attending, then perhaps you can make alternate plans to celebrate with her (like a dinner or cake celebration at your home).

Rating Received:


E-Mail Me

A Rebel (Male, New York, 29-35, Who Cares?) answered:

Screenname: troubledsoul


No.. i wouldnt go! There is a bad feeling i get about this, i hope he is not lying to you!

Rating Received:


E-Mail Me
A Thinker (Female, Washington, DC, 22-25, Financial / Banking) answered:


Hell yeah I'd still go, its not for the mother, its for the daugter, and the daughter is part of the father's life, which is a part of the new wife's life also... The ex wife needs to grow up and quit acting so selfish about this day... its not about her, its about the daughter.

Rating Received:


E-Mail Me

An Engaged Girl (Female, Cleveland, 26-28, Who Cares?) answered:

Screenname: carriesueud


What??? That's absurd. Step mom has had an impact on the child's life as well. And if you have a good relationship with step daughter, SHE probably wants you there. It's not about what the ex wife wants, it's about the daughter. Screw the ex, go to the graduation! She doesn't have the final say.

Rating Received:


E-Mail Me

A Life of the Party (Male, 56-65, Who Cares?) answered:

Screenname: poolfish2


I'd ask the daughter and him if they wanted you there or if it would cause difficulty for either of them. If it causes difficulty, don't go. If they both want you there, go.

Rating Received:


E-Mail Me

A Rebel (Male, San Jose, 22-25, Internet / New Media) answered:

Screenname: chavis


its a lose/lose

so its all about weighing his losses.... who bites harder? the new wife, or the old one lol

either way... his ass is getting bitten lol....

Rating Received:


E-Mail Me

An Intellectual Guy (Male, 46-55, Lawyer) answered:

Screenname: tiddler


I think the most important person in this is the daughter whose big day it is.Would she want the step mother to attend or would her feelings about her own mothers reaction /feelings to the attendnce of the step mom spoil her day with worry?

Rating Received:


E-Mail Me

A Hip-Hop Guy (Male, 36-45, Celebrity) answered:

Screenname: kramer


if i were the new wife, the po'ed ex would be the least of my problems...

Rating Received:


E-Mail Me

A Mr. Nice Guy (Male, Boston, Who Cares?, Body Work) answered:

Screenname: rafiki910


Tell her if SHE wants to come - mind her own damn business!

Rating Received:


E-Mail Me

A Jock (Male, Las Vegas, 29-35, Transportation) answered:

Screenname: newdad


If I'm the father, I would ask the daughter what SHE wants. Since it's her day, I wouldn't see it as neither my place or her mother's to decide who comes and who doesn't.

Rating Received:


E-Mail Me

A Thinker (Female, 22-25, Student) answered:

Screenname: burntsmurf2000


Sounds like my family... Oy ve... I think the new wife should respect the ex wife OR the husband and new wife can sit separately from the ex wife and her family. That's how we do it in my family. When I graduated from college a few weekends ago, my mom and sister sat someplace and my dad and his girlfriend sat somewhere else. My parents already have a strained relationship, so my dad does the best he can to accomodate my mom.

Rating Received:


E-Mail Me

A Hippie Chick (Female, San Francisco, 36-45) answered:

Screenname: lavender


It's not up to the ex wife to decide, so I would still go if I were the new wife....unless, the ex wife was notorious for causing a scene, which would only stress the graduate out and embarrass her.

Rating Received:


E-Mail Me

A Rebel (Male, Los Angeles, 46-55, Consulting) answered:

Screenname: kravjar666


It's totally the daughter's decision. I'd talk to her and ask if she wanted stepmom to attend while acknowledging the pressure from bio-Mom.

Good luck and God bless

Rating Received:


E-Mail Me

A Creative (Female, 36-45, Who Cares?) answered:

Screenname: pookiedoo


Ohhhh sorry, but this could cause an uncomfortable scene for the daughter. If the new wife goes, it should be only after talking with the daughter to make sure she wants her to be there. And, the mother needs to be talked to by the daughter or the father to make sure that she creates no conflict during her daughter's graduation. It needs to be remembered that it's the daughter's day, not the mother's, not the father's and not the new wife's.

Rating Received:


E-Mail Me

A Thinker (Female, 66 or older, Retired) answered:

Screenname: scrapper1941


I would ask the daughter that's graduating. If she and her step mom have a good relationship and she wants her to attend, then I'd say the hell with the ex! If the daughter would prefer she NOT attend because of the problems it may cause, then the step mom should abide by her wishes and not go. Good luck! :)

Rating Received:


E-Mail Me

A Mr. Nice Guy (Male, 46-55) answered:

Screenname: pepperman46


Yes the new mother should go.

Rating Received:


E-Mail Me

An Intellectual Guy (Male, Houston, 36-45, Veterinary) answered:

Screenname: singledad281



X's are usually a pain anyway. Talk to dad and the daughter and make the decision that way. No one said everybody has to sit together anyway. I made sure to sit away from my X just BC I hate her.

Rating Received:


E-Mail Me
A Thinker (Female, New York, 29-35, Who Cares?) answered:


You should respect the daughter's wishes - it's her day. Find out how the daughter feels about it. I am very loyal to my mother and I would not want my dad's new wife to encroach on MY day that MY mother made possible.

Rating Received:


E-Mail Me
A Thinker (Female, New York, 56-65, Civil Service) answered:


Unless the bio mother gave up all rights to her child, she should have the right to this decision.

However, if the stepmother was the one who raised the daughter from an early age, then she should be included.

Ultimately, the duaghter herself should be consulted.
No one has the right to rain on HER parade!!!

Rating Received:


E-Mail Me

A Cool Mom (Female, Philadelphia, 36-45, Home Maker) answered:

Screenname: mburgos


hell with that , that's his new wife now, what is the ex gone to run their lives, i'm sure if she is dating she will bring her boyfriend,.. the ex has to get over it, she is being immature and the one going to rain on her daughters parade.
the husband doesn't have to answer to her no more, if she is acting like that now we can all see why she is a ex...

Rating Received:


E-Mail Me

A Married Girl (Female, 36-45, Financial / Banking) answered:

Screenname: afriend22


He was her father before he was your husband. For the sake of their "family" the one that the daughter lost out on; do what keeps the peace.

Rating Received:


E-Mail Me

A Thinker (Female, Who Cares?, Other Profession) answered:

Screenname: ladywisteria


They are divorced, he is with you. The ex is a part of your husband’s life only due to THEIR daughter and it is a special occasion where they both wish to attend for their. What if the daughter were to get married? This may happen some day. The same thing would happen, right? Keep in mind, he is YOUR husband and she is his EX, he comes home to you at night and sleeps in YOUR bed together. I know all about this, I too am in the same situation for the last 17 years of my life. It is not easy but do keep in mind YOU are the wife and she is the EX.

HUGS*
Lady W*



Rating Received:


E-Mail Me

A Sportif (Female, Vancouver, 36-45, Medical / Dental) answered:

Screenname: vwgirl


It is his daughters decision, not the ex's.

Rating Received:


E-Mail Me

A Mr. Nice Guy (Male, Sacramento, 46-55, Other Profession) answered:

Screenname: rhunt0210


With your updated explanation, you should go. My first reaction would not to interfere with his daughter's happiness. If her mother would be irritated and she wouldn't want you to attend, then her father should go the function alone, but bring you along to a reception afterwards.

Your husband is her father and he has the right to bring anyone that he pleases, as long as it doesn't upset his daughter. You didn't say how well you get along with his daughter, only his ex-wife. If his daughter is supportive or just not repulse by your being with her dad, then you should go, if not only to join her for dinner. Unfortunately, this scene will be repeated when she has other milestones.

Rating Received:


E-Mail Me

A Thinker (Female, 29-35) answered:

Screenname: milla


I think the answer would depend on my relationship with the step daughter, how the step daughter feels about the divorce and if she personally asked me to go.

If she personally asked you to attend, by all means go. It is a day about her and her wishes, not about you-your relationship with your husband or his exes problems.

I would expect the husband to go to his daughters graduation regardless of if his new wife went. If his daughter would feel more comfortable respecting her mothers wishes on that day, you have to remember that it is her day and her choice likely has little to do with how she feels about you, but rather is likely based on keeping the peace with her mom (and possibly preventing a scene in front of her friends).

Remember, you will not win her love by forcing her affection. Give it time though, she may very well invite you herself.

Good luck! I know it must be a tough situation. Even if she doesn't invite you, go out and have a great day-go to a spa-and send her some sort of a personal present (not cash) that she is likely to cherish.

Rating Received:


E-Mail Me

A Sportif (Female, New York, 29-35, Other Profession) answered:

Screenname: liltalian


Honestly, I don't think you really have much to worry about. You didn't have anything to do with their break up. And the graduation is also 2 years away. You never ever know what can happen in 2 years. Do you get along with the daughter?

I think if it came down to it though and she didn't want you there it really wouldn't be her choice would it?? It would be yours, the daughter's, and your husband's.

I know where you're coming from though, I am an over thinker too. Just don't worry about it right now. If you really have some concerns say something to your husband and see what he says. Just like most of us overthinkers you may just need a little reassurance :)

Rating Received:


E-Mail Me

A Thinker (Female, Cleveland, 29-35, Student) answered:

Screenname: seductivepisces9


I'd go, she is not one to tell you what to do and what not to do.

Rating Received:


E-Mail Me

A Father Figure (Male, New Orleans, 56-65, Transportation) answered:

Screenname: hotair


i had that problem, and my s/o decided it was my daughters "call", both decided that they wanted my s/o to attend, it pissed the mom off but tuff. and thats not where it stops, this will happen for the rest of your life, so get use to it. weddings, babies being born, family funerals, my ex still has her face show up at all these things....and i'm divorced over 30 years

Rating Received:


E-Mail Me

A Married Girl (Female, Miami, 29-35, Home Maker) answered:

Screenname: anonymouse32


my mother tried that - i told her if SHE had a problem then SHE neednt come!!

:o)

Rating Received:


E-Mail Me

A Creative (Female, 36-45, Managerial) answered:

Screenname: eclectic


Try not to put your stepdaughter in the middle. You have every right to be there and should be there to celebrate. Who cares what the ex wife wants! Just go and enjoy yourself and be very proud.

The only logistics you should work out with your stepdaughter is on the graduation parties...if your party isn't the day of or the weekend of graduation...just have it later...I wouldn't get into a tug-of-war with the ex about a party...

Rating Received:


E-Mail Me

A Cool Mom (Female, Los Angeles, 46-55, Self-Employed) answered:

Screenname: momharleyxl


I wouldn't miss my child's graduation, but I would also expect and plan on attending with my spouse or S/O. The daughter will be down on the field anyway and won't have much interaction with those in attendance. The ex can come and bring who ever she wants to- there is usually enough places to sit and enough people in attendance that everyone can have plenty of their own space.
If the daughter knows you want to go- to celebrate HER graduation, not make any sort of statement, that you are there for HER- that's what the focus should be- none of the other garbage.
I would just plan on attending, and not 'ASK' anyone, myself. It's a celebration, not a social event.

Rating Received:


E-Mail Me

A Thinker (Female, 29-35, Medical / Dental) answered:

Screenname: steff1973


hoestly by then I think you will have enough of a relationship to not have aproblem, by then it should be expectedyou will attend. First off , dont ask her, ask the daughter. but dont let he be in the middle. There is nothing worse than having your big day ruined by people wh put their own petty problems in front of your happiness. If the mother and you cant get along, then do not attend for her sake. Noone should have to cry on the day they graduate!! The father must attent no matter what is decided about you, and dont feel as if he is choosing anyones side but his daughters. It is not a reflection on how he feels about you but on how he feels about his daughter....

Rating Received:


E-Mail Me

A Thinker (Female, 46-55, Other Profession) answered:

Screenname: periwinkle


Who is hosting (i.e. Paying for ) the party?
The host should include the graduate's preferences.

Rating Received:


E-Mail Me

A Married Girl (Female, Dallas, 36-45, Home Maker) answered:

Screenname: olgalomas


It's not about her its about the step-daughter. If she wants you there then sit there and support her, forget the mom she'll just have to get over herself.

Rating Received:


E-Mail Me

A Thinker (Female, St.Louis, 29-35, Other Profession) answered:

Screenname: michellekia


The ex-wife may not like it..but there really is nothing that she can do..I assume that the child is either 18 or about to turn 18..and is old enough to say that her father can oome and invite guests. She needs to chuck it up and act as sweetly as she can..I wouldn't want anyone to know how bitter I am.

Rating Received:


E-Mail Me

An Intellectual Guy (Male, Washington, DC, 36-45, Technical) answered:

Screenname: jjcabin


You have plenty of time but basically ask the daughter, and how many tickets are there. I know some graduations around here only give 2 tickets, some give 4. but short answer is it is 3 hours that you can't see anything she can't see you. So it really doesn't matter much anyway.


Rating Received:


E-Mail Me

A Thinker (Female, 66 or older, Retired) answered:

Screenname: shrinkess


Why don't you ask the daughter what she wants? It's her party, after all.

Rating Received:


E-Mail Me

A Mr. Nice Guy (Male, 36-45) answered:

Screenname: headscratching


she cannot dictate where you go. ...hypothetically... what if the daughter gets puzzled/hurt if you don't show up? you can go wherever your heart tells you to go,the ex can't say a thing about it.

Rating Received:


E-Mail Me

A Life of the Party (Female, 26-28, Executive) answered:

Screenname: annothergirl


Hi, I have been in this situation except as the daughter. If she invites you, go. it's really that simple. If she doesn't invite you, then don't take it personally. It might just be because she has very few tickets to give out or it might be because she doesn't want to deal with the family dynamics of having you there. Not that you are the problem!! but most likely, she isn't going to leave her own mother out of this day, no matter how horrible everyone else thinks she is.



Rating Received:


E-Mail Me

A Life of the Party (Female, 18-21, Student) answered:

Screenname: samara87


okay 2010?
Long time from now!
Apart from that, mother and father have priority to go.
If the mother doesnt want you around, thats too bad, you have your own kids' graduation to go to one day.
And this day is about the daughter, its her moment she should be able to enjoy it in peace without people fighting about who should/ shouldnt come, and who should ditch because someone is not coming, you can make problems about stuff like that in other situtations not this one.
And thats your husband's daughter, she doesnt graduate everyday, you can expect him to not show up because you cant come, basically you gracing some ceremony is more important than his child graduating?
come on!
and i still cnat get over, you're talking about something that'll happen in 2010!!

Rating Received:


E-Mail Me

A Sportif (Female, 29-35, Medical / Dental) answered:

Screenname: manlover


I am in a similar predicament. My bf's son is graduating preschool in a few wks and he and his father want me to come. He and his ex were divorced a long time before I came in the picture. She has not said anything yet but I'm sure she would like me not to come. But their son asked me to and he is the one that matters the most. If your step daughter wants you there, go and be friendly. If a situation arises, be the better women and tell her this is not the place or time and walk away.

Rating Received:


E-Mail Me

A Thinker (Female, 46-55) answered:

Screenname: ldykarla


Tell your husband he can go alone if he wants, but you would be willing to attend. This really is not about the wife, your husband, or surprisingly, you. It is about the daughter. Why risk ruining her day because of the mother. Afterward, regardless of if you go or not, do something special for her, with your husband and yourself sponsering it.

I rented a condo at the beach and took my step daughter and five of her friends for a week.

Rating Received:


E-Mail Me

A Guy Critical (Male, 36-45, Teaching) answered:

Screenname: rockla1972


Leave it up to the girl. If your husband goes without you, don't be upset with him. He's got to deal with three women, not just one. Lord knows it's hard enough to keep just one happy!!! lol What happens happens....besides graduations are long and boring. :) You'll do the right thing!!!

Rating Received:


E-Mail Me

A Career Woman (Female, New South Wales, 46-55) answered:

Screenname: berri


It is the daughters day after all. She has the right to choose who she would like there.Hope it is not to difficult for her as she will feel in the middle Hope u and the daughter get along also who is the daughter living with ? does she get along with her Mother? The Mother sounds controlling. If she cant except her faults and that the relationship is over and that u are the new wife thats her problem not yours.. Dont let her get to u . if u let ex wife get to u she will continue every which way she can. There will be other events to go to involving the daughter/kids also that involve the ex wife and u and hubby. something all of u have to get used to especially the ex wife. Mention this convo to hubby and see what he thinks. I wish u all luv and peace.

Rating Received:


E-Mail Me

A Thinker (Female, New York, 46-55, Artist / Musician / Writer) answered:

Screenname: bnotafraid


IMHO I would definately go with your husband no matter who does or doesn't want you there. His daughter is now your step daughter. She can't call the shots on invities when it comes to a big event like this. You and your husband made vows to eachother to remain together through everything, and no one can separate you from the other. Remind him of that if he suddenly starts telling you that you need to stay home.
If this is the biggest hurdle you have to get over in your marriage you are doing well. I am a new stepmother too. I haven't had a chance really to get to know my stepdaughter much. I know my two stepsons more than I know about her. But I would be besides myself if she got married and wouldn't invite me to the wedding. I would insist that my husband stand up to the plate for me on that and make sure it's clear that we are ONE not ONE plus ONE. I'm not his guest, I'm his wife. Remember that applies to you and your husband as well.

Rating Received:


E-Mail Me

A Guy Critical (Male, 36-45, Retail) answered:

Screenname: mrd965


It is not the mothers choice. It is the daughters choice. If she wants you to attend the ceremony...Go and have a good time.

And tell the biotch ( EX ) I said .....STFU

Rating Received:

Back to Active Questions