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Active Questions

Wives with no interest in sex anymore
Sex & Intimacy / 1:04 AM - Thursday May 08, 2008

wives with no interest in sex anymore

Why do a lot of wives stop wanting to have sex after marriage? I am a (FEMALE) counselor and I hear this problem over and over again when dealing with mainly over 40 longtime married male clients in my practice. I personally as well as my girlfriends have quite a high sex drive, especially in a committed relationship, so I can't see why this happens to so many women time and time again. They stop wanting or needing sex and the men get miserable from lack of it, and that leads the men to cheat and other things. But WHY do so many women get this way after a few years of marriage - or sooner? I cannot relate at all. And most of these husbands are very attractive, have money, good jobs, are responsible, good dads, etc.

- Asked by vegasdreamr0406, An Alternative Girl, Female, 36-45, Las Vegas, Self-Employed

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Could it have something to do with boredom? I know my wife and I were hot and heavy while dating and when we had only been married a short time. Now at 20+ years, she knows my every move. She knows what comes next. And if I change up, she wants to know who else I've been with. (change up is not happening very often.)
I've wanted to change, but she is very conservative and I don't think she'd go along. I find myself wanting Strange situations and She wants the same old thing, but she wants it to be different. Lord, save us. The same rabbit comes out of the same hat.

- Response by poolfish2, A Career Man, Male, 66 or older, Who Cares?

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Maybe it is bc while they keep up that powerful, charming, handsome facade to the world, they no longer appear that way to their wives bc they have stopped trying to impress them like they did while they were dating / pursuing them.

Now they just take them for granted and are bored with/by them (men need new visual stimulation, we get bored easy, sadly we're not so good at returning favours)

Personally, i think most of your men clients are either lying - blaming the wives for their own cheating), or in total denial of their own responsibility for their behaviours :)

- Response by springbreaker, A Father Figure, Male, 46-55, Toronto, Self-Employed

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I think there are a variety of reasons. Children, hormonal changes, falling out of love, no longer physically attractive, boredom, etc etc etc.

But I also think that when couples truly love each other, they share a desire to maintain intimacy and passion in their relationship. I honestly believe that many couples really don't love each other enough to put forth the effort.

I don't think its necessarily the women or the men that are to blame for diminished passion and romance - both tend to change their behavior in ways that make it difficult to keep the passion alive. How many married couples go to bed early together so they have more intimate time together? How many married couples sleep naked in each other's arms every night?

- Response by baddgirl, A Career Woman, Female, 46-55, Who Cares?

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I have a high sex drive and I think there are probably zillions of reasons couples let the sizzle fizzle. Anything from growing apart, hormones, being overworked, lack of communication, sexual incompatability to who knows.
Some say sex isn't everything, but damn it sure does fix alot of stuff. Sometimes either me or my s/o can will be totally outraged at the other, it's amazing how sex can dissipate even the wickedest of arguments.
I really don't get losing interest, aftet 8 years I have never once turned him down.

- Response by jezmebaby, A Hippie Chick, Female, 46-55, Los Angeles, Self-Employed

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We men have been asking that for years.And we get .. if you don't know we won't tell you.

- Response by pepperman46, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 46-55

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..Well why don't you ask the wife's that question..

..Just cause there husband's are attractive, have money don't make them a caring skilled lover..

..Wife's are just like any other woman and they want to feel loved and be made love to not just have sex and many husband's have forgot how to make love to there wife's..How to make her feel young to touch her heart..

..Many husband's have forgot how to make there wife's feel sexy and like she felt when they first fell in love..

..I have never even been married but have figured that guess cause women find me easy to talk to..cause I am a very good

..So counselor by your question guess you never been married..

- Response by mauddeep, An Intellectual Guy, Male, Who Cares?, New York, Science / Engineering

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It's a known fact that a woman's libido is in her ring finger. Once you put on that wedding ring, her libido is cut off.

Seriously, have you read Anatomy Of Love by Helen Fisher, Ph.D.? I'm getting close to finishing it. She takes an anthropological look at why we marry, lust, cheat and divorce. It's her theory that it's in our genes to be what she calls Serial Monogamists. Humans are condition through evolution to find a new partner after 4 years. Which is about the time it takes to raise a human baby. I would recomend it.

- Response by cosmicdog0, A Guy Critical, Male, 56-65, Denver, Science / Engineering

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Oh my God!

There is a statement: women give sex to get love, and men give love to get sex. It's pretty much true.

I've lived this, and, more importantly, fixed this in my life.

I've found the following two books to be key in understanding this phenomena:

His Needs, Her Needs: How to affair-proof you marriage. (Hartley?)

The Five Love Languages

The first book describes the quenching of the love between partners and the slipperly slope toward an affair. I walked (and slipped) down this pathway.

In short, love happens, then life happens, then mundanity gets in the way of passion, then communication differences happen, then the love tank is emptied, then someone starts getting love tank fillage outside (verbally!) which finally results in an affair.

The second book describes how people don't really know how to talk to each other. Basically, we each want something, but our spouse doesn't know what that is and how to give it. For example, my wife loves verbal affirmation, and I like physical touch. I'd try to give her physical touch to show my love, and she'd try to give me verbal affirmation. Worse, when I got frustrated at the talk coming my way (in lieu of physical touch) I used verbal defamation.

Lastly, we both had to get over personal stuff. For me that took al anon. For my wife that took medical help for hormonal problems, al anon, and personal therapy. (God bless the 12 steps.) After some good work, we were ready for couples counseling.

Amazingly, after 20+ years of misunderstanding, we're really really happy now.

Thank God.

p.s. talk back if you need further details.

Good luck and God bless

- Response by kravjar666, A Father Figure, Male, 46-55, Los Angeles, Consulting

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When he has lost the ability to perform. I have lost the want. I am not there only to get him off. He is and should be there for me also. After so many years we just don't meld. So yes I have stopped wanting sex from my husband, as I know it ain't worth it! I don't owe him!

- Response by An Alternative Girl, Female, 46-55, Minneapolis, Who Cares?

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I began following the offerings from the dating gurus and pickup artists a few years ago, and what they try to teach men about dating is precisely what it takes to keep the attraction going in marriage. Too bad, many men stop doing the things that made them attractive in the beginning-- often, things that gave them identity, but their spouses felt *threatened* by. These men wind up being hollow shells, or close to it. How romantic. The women make them give up the things that are important to them, and the reward is to get cut off for sex.
Men think that marriage means no more sh!t-testing from women, but that's not true; it just raises the testing to a new level. This is crazy, because marriage requires a full-time team effort from both partners. When the wives suddenly turn their husbands into opponents, just to see if they still have what it takes to play, all hell breaks loose.
I finished reading Dr Robert Glover's "No More Mr Nice Guy!", and I'm willing to bet, the Nice Guy Syndrome is certainly the leading cause of women refusing sex, and for subsequent divorces. Nice Guys are submissive and supplicating, which goes totally against evolutionary psychology.
Those lists we read on here, of things that kill a woman's romantic feelings, are a load of cr*p. If two people genuinely want sex, they'll find a way.

- Response by chesterdad, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 66 or older, San Francisco

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I used to be one of those women over 5 years ago, going through perimenopause, weight gain, on birth control pills so I had no libido. Then I got off the pill, got on an exercise and diet regiment and now my libido is back. Maybe things have gotten routine in these women's lives, the spice is gone and the men and women need to work together to spice things up. Or perhaps the women don't feel appreciated. Have you talked to any of the wives to work things out with their husbands?

- Response by hulagirl55, A Sportif, Female, Who Cares?, Who Cares?

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Men who constantly ask women for sex are going to put women off it. They should stop thinking about their nether regions and start doing the dishes and hanging out the washing for free. For free means without pressuring women to reward them with sex if they do it for them. Men have got to stop being selfish. That is their problem you know. Women can get very busy in birth to kids tear up their private parts so that in itself is pretty traumatic - a bit like rape for a woman on legally and culturally accepted terms really. Nobody wants sex when they have the memory of their hidden zone all exposed and torn up in front of doctors etc. And women were not designed to be eternally fornicating creatures either and there is nothing worse than having a man pestering you for sex when you are focussed on your favourite book, important jobs, housework or something Left-brain consuming like the phone account or study. Women have brains especially intellectual women. Sex for a woman uses up her whole brain's strength so if she is doing intensive study she just won't have any mental energy for sexual thoughts that would normally stimulate her. Men cannot stimulate an intellectual woman's brain for sex either . It just won't happen. Tiredness is the key turn-off too. Sex is a brain thing for most women - maybe there are some women who are just like men and can turn on like a tap - but most women have to feel as if they are in charge when it comes to sex or it just will not happen. They also need the natural set of patterns about sex respected. If a man looks at porn for example and his woman hates that sort of thing...he'll never get sex out of her again if she finds out. Chances are the marriage will bust up on a thing like that. Internet pornography photos of women's private parts leaking fluids is often viewed as obscene and off-putting by a monogamous woman. Men who download that sort of stuff and justify it as normal will damage their wife or partner permanently. Porn makes a woman feel ashamed about her body image. It makes her feel as if her style of natural sex is the same as what the porn chick does and that thought arouses revulsion in her mind about having sex because it looks so gross to her. So a woman who might have loved sex can be put off merely by seeing something that makes her feel disgusting about herself. I am speaking from personal experience. I used to like sex but my partner looked at porn and I found the stuff. Sex with me was not good enough. He wanted to look at women's genitals and videos of people having group sex. He cannot understand why I can't get physically aroused anymore by him although I have told him why. My body shut down overnight. My body dislikes porn as does my brain. Nothing will turn me on at all now. He's too stupid to understand me too. He was warned several times to quit looking at the stuff or else I would want to vomit. Stupid dickhead - his brain is a gumboot. Maybe these men who come to see you Ms counsellor are doing this to their wives and they have not told you about it!

- Response by sensitivelady2, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Christchurch, Artist / Musician / Writer

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There is no any sex life after marriage :)

- Response by aimisha, A Thinker, Female, 36-45

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