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Ten Rules from a Waitress
Sex & Intimacy / 1:09 AM - Saturday February 09, 2008

Ten Rules from a Waitress

This isn’t really a question, just some whining after quite a few years as a waitress. Now, I hate to brag, but I AM a good waitress. I’m genuinely happy, I’m sociable if I have to be, I put up with a lot of things most girls wouldn’t. I’ll occasionally even give people who have been great customers discounts(with coupons that we keep in the waitress station, of course) on their bills, even if it only saves them a few bucks. However, I have a few things that I think customers should note, because I’m fucking sick of morons yelling at me, and having to tell my manager who finds my exasperation nothing more than a funny story. Sorry this is long!

1)I am going to check your ID, it’s the law. I don’t care if you left it in the car and no, I’m not going to trust you if your age is questionable. I’ll use my common sense if you look over 40, but don’t bitch at me if you forgot it when you are knowingly going to a bar to order booze.

2)I don’t make minimum wage in my state as a waitress. If I’ve given you good service, 10% is not much to ask for a tip. In fact, most places, 10% is considered kind of an insult. I live off tips. Leaving me $1.00 on the table on a $20 bill and acting like you’ve given me gold doesn’t cut it. I’ll smile, but please know inside I’m damning your cheap ass to the circle of hell reserved for you.

3)On the subject of tipping (and this is mostly reserved for college students), I don’t care how broke you are. I’m broke too, that’s why I’m a waitress. If you can’t tip me well because of financial reasons, don’t eat where I work. Go to McDonalds. I’m sick of seeing people ordering Shrimp Alfredo or a Full Rack of Ribs and then leaving me paltry tips. If you can’t afford the bill and tip, don’t eat expensive food or don’t go there, period. Telling me I was a good waitress doesn’t cut it anymore, money really does make the world go around.

4)Oh, and if I know you’re loaded because you’ve ordered well over $100 to $200 dollars worth of food, don’t bitch about the 18% automatic gratuity on tables of 8 or more (at least where I work, most places have different percentages/ppl numbers, though similar policies). I’ve had professional football players balk at that after taking up the restaurant, slapping my ass, getting drunk; and then not wanting to tip me what I’m due over stupid reasons like they can’t remember what my name is (when it’s written on the top of the bill). You have a million dollar contract...you can afford to give me $20 that is due to me as a tip.

5)Don’t slap my ass. Don’t run your hand up my back. Don’t touch me. I’m a waitress, not a whore. And even if you’re an old man, I don’t find it cute and age will not allow you to get away with it.

6)Look around you when you walk in the restaurant. If you can see we’re busy, and if you can see I’m the only waitress in the place, do NOT whine and gripe if you don’t get your food in 10 minutes. We are not a fast-food joint. Again, if you want that, go to McDonalds. The cooks are often doing the best they can, as am I. I can and will get to you when I’m able…maybe when I stop running around getting everyone their basic restaurant needs. If you cannot wait another 30 seconds for a re-fill of soda or coffee, please shut up and don’t stop me in the middle of taking care of someone else. Also, don’t penalize me because you can’t look around you. Every time I get busy, there is always one table who gets huffy, mean, and leaves me a shitty tip because they didn’t look around them to see I had 10 other tables I was waiting on so they got napkins 30 seconds after they asked for them instead of 3. Don’t be that table.

7)Don’t ask me a zillion fucking stupid questions that would be easily answered if you open your eyes. It says “Smoke-Free” on our billboard outside. Don’t walk in and ask me if we are. If the menu says that a burger is made with “Angus Beef,” no, it is not vegetarian. If it says we have Coke products, don’t get angry when I tell you we don’t have Mountain Dew. If you ask stupid questions, I will treat you like a retard.

8)I cannot control the atmosphere of the restaurant entirely. That’s the manager’s job. I recently had an old man yell at me because someone on the TV had said “the A-S-S” word and he thought it was vulgar (that’s what he said, like a kindergartner, really). I am not going to walk around censoring all the cursing that happens in our restaurant, unless I’m allowed an air horn to blow into your ears, permanently deafening you to anything that might offend your overly protective/PC ears. On the plus side, you won't hear cursing ever again! I have had parents tell me they’re upset because some drunk by the bar gets loud and cusses. It’s a Sports BAR and grill. We have family things, but we aren’t exactly geared towards the whole family thing. It honestly doesn’t happen that often to be an issue. I don’t curse at customers…unless they’re out the door. If you feel that one little slip of someone’s tongue is going to scar you or your kid for life, don’t come in.

9)Threatening that my restaurant is going to lose you as a customer when you’ve only come in one time to make my day hell doesn’t bother me. We don’t want you in our restaurant anyway.

10) I guess the golden rule applies as number ten: do unto others as you would have done to you. If you are going to yell at me if you don’t get your food as fast as you’d like, or if the cooks forgot to put a side on your dish, or simply because you don’t like the prices, and yet you continue to sit at my table and stress me out because I can’t cure your issues, I will be a bitch back. Yes, I live off tips, but every minute you stand in that restaurant yelling at me because I bent over backwards and did cartwheels for you and it still wasn’t enough, all my other tables are feeling sorry for me and my tips from them are going up. And I don’t have issues pointing out in front of everyone how stupid you are. I recently had a table of 9 come in when we were exceedingly busy, to the point where one of our waitresses hyperventilated. My shift was over, but I stayed an extra hour to help out. The cooks messed up their order, and while I tried to make things better all they did was yell in my face and make insane demands. It was a table of 9, so they had to pay 18% gratuity whether they liked it or not, and one woman tried to slap me over it, until my manager threw them out. Their yelling caused three tables to apologize and make up for it by giving almost the entire amount of their bill in tips. So, no…I don’t have to be nice. If you’re going to be a horrible customer, I will be a horrible waitress. If you are a good customer, I’ll do everything I can to make it a nice experience for you so you come back. You give and you get!


Update: February 09, 2008.
Lol, I'm glad you all enjoyed or agreed with my rant. I had to remain anonymous at first because my manager is a chronic web surfer and I didn't want her to find it and be angry I posted this. However, she found it great and I'm allowed to print off copies to display at least in the server station of my workplace! She won't let me roll it up and hit people over the head with it, though...too bad.

- Asked by Female, 29-35

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nice posts! it's all very true. i've never been a server, but worked as a cook from 14-21 at various restaurants... bottomline is, servers are people...not slaves as the shitty customers would like to think.


- Response by kungfudewd, A Career Man, Male, 36-45, Who Cares?

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can i get that to go?

- Response by drunkinjun, A Father Figure, Male, 46-55, Portland, Artist / Musician / Writer

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Community Rating: Community Star


......I will defend you on this against anyone. I eat out a lot and there is nothing more important to me than a server who knows their job, and takes care of me. I ask for nothing special but I tip heavy to those who are good, so I normally have a few select servers whose section i will sit at the places i go.

....There are people who do a crummy job in every profession and yours is a difficult one. I respect the good ones, reward them well as they take care of me, and i have even been known to complain to managers when customers are bullying a server. That shit pisses me off because the customer isn't always right, especially when some clown who has no clue about etiquette goes out to eat once a year and thinks this is his opportunity to push someone around.

- Response by buffer, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 56-65, Los Angeles, Retired

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My respects to all those good servers out there....thank you for all your great service... :)

- Response by jessiesgirl491, A Creative, Female, 29-35, Administrative

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Hahahaha!! Feel better? I agree with you! And I'm telling you, as much as some of that stuff irritates you.. it irritates ME, too!

Especially complaining, in a busy place? I HATE if I'm out with friends, and they start whining. They embarrass the hell out of me, and I will join you in slapping the taste out of their mouth. I have no problem being patient, if a place is busy. If I really can't wait.. I leave. I don't bitch about it. Whiners SUCK!

Tips? Wait staff are on their feet, nearly the entire shift, and often work 12 hour or double-shifts. 20% is a minimum tip, and I can afford it. I've been with friends that make as much as, or more than me.. and are HORRID tippers! I avoid eating with them, because they too, embarrass me.

I crack up about people asking tons of questions. There's a menu. If it's on the menu, you can order it. If it's not.. you can't! What's not to understand?

Can you tell.. that I often end up going to restaurants by myself? Because I don't like dining with whiners, any more than you like serving them!


- Response by steve67, A Rebel, Male, Who Cares?

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I have NEVER thought that being a waitress was an easy job. I will just say that if I see you putting forth the effort to do a good job, even if there are some minor mistakes, you will get 20% from me.

- Response by awsum1, A Life of the Party, Male, Who Cares?, Chicago

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Wow!! Having been a cocktail waitress myself, I say to you....Right fucking on!! You wrote almost exactly what I have said(and lived) and I hope that others will take notice of it!!

- Response by fizducus, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Los Angeles, Other Profession

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thats the difference between europeans and americans, in europe waiter(waitress) have a salary, and thats for the service that provide to the guest, now if the guest wants to leave something extra on the table because he wants too, thats fine, i do that too, but when i was in New york i realise that the salary there is nearly to nothing ,they depend on tips, it should be ilegal to pay under min salaries the waiters, just because they make tips, then they should not work under any bosses condition if the guests are the ones they pay the salary, its very simple. now on the comment posted on top, that you meantion that if you broke go to mc donalds, well, honesty , thank god you dont work for me, your type of waiter that gives a fake smille in expetation of a tip are people that shoulw not ever do this job, you love money more than what you do, maybe instead of people changing restaurants when they pay for food, you the one should change your job into real estate or selling bons on wall street, i think that would make you happy,let me see, in a way you are asking me to go to other restaurant because i manage to pay my bill but i did not pay you extra when you already getting paid for that. honestly, all of your rules sucked big time, and you are lame. end of story

- Response by A Guy Critical, Male, 36-45

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thats the difference between europeans and americans, in europe waiter(waitress) have a salary, and thats for the service that provide to the guest, now if the guest wants to leave something extra on the table because he wants too, thats fine, i do that too, but when i was in New york i realise that the salary there is nearly to nothing ,they depend on tips, it should be ilegal to pay under min salaries the waiters, just because they make tips, then they should not work under any bosses condition if the guests are the ones they pay the salary, its very simple. now on the comment posted on top, that you meantion that if you broke go to mc donalds, well, honesty , thank god you dont work for me, your type of waiter that gives a fake smille in expetation of a tip are people that shoulw not ever do this job, you love money more than what you do, maybe instead of people changing restaurants when they pay for food, you the one should change your job into real estate or selling bons on wall street, i think that would make you happy,let me see, in a way you are asking me to go to other restaurant because i manage to pay my bill but i did not pay you extra when you already getting paid for that. honestly, all of your rules sucked big time, and you are lame. end of story

- Response by A Guy Critical, Male, 36-45

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