5 Secrets for Making Love Last - Good Advice

5 Secrets for Making Love Last
By Jennifer Gruenemay, LifeScript Staff Writer

Valentine’s Day shouldn't be the only occasion you go the extra mile for your better half. After all, flowers, candy and diamonds won’t make up for being a louse the rest of the year. Letting your partner know how much you love him or her is accomplished not with gifts, but rather the little things you do every day. Have you been neglecting these five basic relationship needs?


1. Touch Each Other

It is easy to forget about the little things that make such a huge difference in a relationship, such as touch. A brush of the hand against her cheek, rubbing his shoulders after a hard day’s work, touching his arm while you have a conversation. These gestures may seem trivial, but they speak volumes about how much you care.

It’s no coincidence that the simple act of touching your mate has such a powerful effect. There’s actually a biological explanation for why touch feels so good.


A 2005 study by researchers at the University of North Carolina showed that the warm touch of a spouse or partner raised oxytocin levels in both men and women. Oxytocin, better known as the “cuddle” hormone, interacts with dopamine, the feel-good hormone, and reduces levels of cortisol, the stress hormone. In effect, you feel happier, calmer and less stressed after being touched. (See related article: Knead to Relax? Give Yourself a Foot Massage)

Another 2005 study, from the University of Zurich, found that exposure to oxytocin increases trust among humans. A quick squeeze, hug or holding hands during an argument may help increase your partner’s trust in what you’re saying. Who knows, maybe it will even get him to agree with you.

We crave touch from the minute we’re born. Research shows the importance of placing a naked newborn infant on her mother’s bare chest directly after birth. A baby who is allowed this skin-to-skin contact recognizes and bonds with her mother faster, cries less, breastfeeds sooner, and stays warmer than newborns who are wrapped in blankets and placed in incubators.


Consider the story of twin preemie infants who were being cared for in separate incubators, the smaller of whom was fighting for his life. It wasn’t until a nurse broke the hospital rules and put the babies in the same incubator that the smaller twin’s health improved enough to allow him to go home with his brother.

The same concept could be applied to a withering relationship where both partners are suffering alone. Look your mate in the eye, hold him tight and let your actions say just how much you love him. Hug, squeeze, kiss, and hold each other every day. Above all, never underestimate the power of touch.


2. Laugh Together

Whether it’s a modest giggle or a hearty guffaw, laughter really is the best medicine, even if it’s just your relationship that needs bandaging. A number of studies have linked laughter to a healthier heart, reduced stress levels and improved immune function.

It’s not just your physical heart that benefits from laughter. A good sense of humor can bring couples closer together. It’s like a second language shared between the two of you, which strengthens your bond. It’s why seeing a particular object can bring some couples to their knees in a fit of laughter, while bystanders have no clue what’s so funny.


Laughter can also help you through tough times. And we all know that relationships weather multiple storms – big and small. Yes, the pipes burst under the sink creating a mini flood in the kitchen; but no, it’s not the end of the world. What seems at first glance like a complete disaster becomes manageable if only you can laugh it off.

If humor doesn’t come naturally to you, learn a funny joke and tell it to your partner. Even if you mess up the delivery, you’re sure to get a good laugh. Buy a telescopic fork, and when he’s not looking, reach over in the middle of dinner and steal some of his food. (This is also hilarious at family gatherings.) Play silly board games together. Rent a comedy, and share some belly laughs. Whatever it is that makes your partner shake with laughter, do it often.


3. Give a Self-Esteem Boost

Who doesn't want to feel good about themselves? As selfish as it may seem, everyone wants positive attention and reassurance that they are loved. Tell your partner how proud you are of him. Give specific examples to boost his or her self-confidence.


Whether you admire how hard he works, the way she handled a sticky situation with the neighbor or even how great he’s doing following a new diet plan, don’t keep it to yourself.

Tell your man he looks sexy mowing the lawn in his boxer shorts. Tell your wife how beautiful she is without any makeup. Boosting each other's self-confidence will not only add security to your relationship, but it will also nurture each person’s ability to become the success they were meant to be.


4. Disagree When it Counts

If you think happy couples didn’t argue, think again. According to researchers at Boston University and Eaker Epidemiology Enterprises in Gaithersburg, Maryland, women who bit their tongues during marital conflict were four times more likely to die within the 10-year follow-up period than wives who weren’t afraid to speak up. And it didn’t matter whether these women described their marriage as happy or unhappy – the simple act of holding back during arguments is what mattered most.

When you bottle up your frustrations, you’re headed straight for an angry explosion. Don’t let things build up! Tell your partner exactly what’s bothering you. And encourage him to do the same.


There’s no rule that says couples have to agree on everything. Likewise, being in a committed relationship doesn’t mean you have to become clones of one another. You both entered the relationship as unique individuals, and it should stay that way. That’s not to say you shouldn't ever compromise, but you shouldn’t sacrifice what makes you you.

Remember, happy couples do fight. Be honest about how you feel, know when to compromise and never give up your personal identity or expect your spouse to do so.


5. Dream Together

What’s the point of committing to someone unless you have high hopes for your future together? If you’re stuck in a relationship rut, just going through the day-to-day motions, you may have lost sight of what it means to be a couple.

It’s important that you not only plan for the basics – the house, the kids, the 401(k) – but also for your individual and joint dreams and aspirations.


As a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up? Envisioning your future, with all its possibilities, is what made each day exciting. Dreams are where the impossible becomes possible, fear of failure is obsolete and success is inevitable. When you dream, you put all the restrictions of reality behind you. You become filled with a sense of unstoppable exhilaration that can actually propel you to make positive choices for your future.

Nurture these dreams both for yourself and your partner. Having something to aim for keeps you moving forward and gives you a break from the everyday monotony of work, eat, sleep. A relationship is a journey – where do you want it to take you?