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How can I convince my husband to have a baby
Family & Parenting / 11:31 AM - Sunday January 27, 2008

how can I convince my husband to have a baby

I am happily married women age 33 with 3 beautiful children. I really want a forth child but my husband really does not want .
I had a similar issue for my third but after alot of convincing he agreed and is happier than ever with our child. But keep reminding me that no more kids. No way of pursuing him he has so much control I am against fooling him into it.
I tried talking and expressing myself how i would really want another child but he is stubborn and does not want to budge at all how else can I get him to change his mind? Any suggestions

- Asked by Female, 36-45

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You have a lot to be thankful for. You're 33, happily married, you have 3 healthy beautiful kids. You can stay at home and raise them as a choice.

You twisted his arm to have the third child and he probably agreed on the condition that it would be the last one.

Of course he isn't going to hate your third child or treat them less lovingly! But don't use that as some bad logic to say that he'd be even happier with a fourth child.

If your logic is right, he'd be happiest if you had 1,000 children, because he'd be "happier than ever" each time.

If he asked you to stop after 3, after agreeing to the third one, maybe you should remember those conversations. Did you ever say, "Ok, if we have a third one, we don't have to have another one after that if you don't want to." Or ANYTHING like that?

I'd be good money that you re-assured him that he could quit after three, if that's what he wanted.

If you did decide to fool him into it (which I'm glad you are against), please know that you could ruin the things that you have to be thankful for. You may no longer have a happy marriage, and your kids would all suffer as a result.

Can you not be thankful and happy for all the blessings you have now and let your poor husband relax? If you have extra time and energy, why not put it into him? Give him some peace when he walks in the door if you can, or save some money that you're not spending on a 4th kid, put your kids with your parents, and take a getaway weekend with your husband.

Heck, maybe get a sitter and take him to a sporting event.

Stop driving him nuts asking for a forth kid.

This is NOT a control issue on his part as he agreed to a third child when he didn't even want three kids. He's already given into you when you pushed him, and you're lucky that he is not bitter about it. Stop. Enjoy what you have and stop pushing it.

- Response by wp2007, A Creative, Male, 36-45, Pittsburgh, Artist / Musician / Writer

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Unfortunatly... have children is something that you really have to find common ground on. It sounds like you already pushed and talked him into having your 3rd. So it sounds like he gave into you on that.... now it looks like you should respect that he's done.

- Response by A Trendsetter, Female, 26-28, Los Angeles, Other Profession

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Why don't you respect his wishes and get over it? If I was your husband I'd get a vasectomy.

- Response by A Trendsetter, Female, 22-25

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He's probably thinking the exact same about you "how to I get her to budge and stop being stubborn and change her mind"

The two of you need to sit down and both say exactly what you want and why, and then weigh up the pro's and cons of having another baby, he may have very good reason for not wanting another child like the cost or something, try asking him why he's so against it instead of just nagging.

- Response by psychoticbabe1, A Thinker, Female, 26-28, Other Profession

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lets be fair here.. my guess is your a stay at home mom which is wonderful but if he is the primary breadwinner this is alot of pressure.. three is a great number four, well its alot and more pressure in this day and age to provide basic necessities and education. For you it sounds emotional for him I it seems more fiscal and part of him may just want his wife back.. not just mom.. he conceded on baby 3 maybe you should compromise on baby 4 and tricking him.. well thats good you are NOT going that route...I think you are asking for too much

- Response by smartblond, A Sweet Sarah, Female, Who Cares?, Charlotte, Self-Employed

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I think you two need to discuss this issue more, both of you need to state your reasons as to why you feel this way. Do you miss having little ones around? Does he think it will cost too much to raise another child? Is he feeling like he won't be able to parent another one as well as he did with the first three?

He may have a very good reason as to why he doesn't want to have another child. I think you need to talk with him because the last thing you want is to end up wrecking the beautiful family you already have because you can't agree on another child. Besides, fooling him into having another child is a surefire way to push him further away than he already seems--even out of the house.

Remember, that no one can change another person's mind unless they want to be convinced. Think of how much you want this fourth child, and realize that he probably feels just as strongly against it.

- Response by lioness21, A Player, Female, 29-35, Consulting

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Well, you've got three kids already....another should be very much wanted by BOTH of you, so I'd side with him on this one. Men are much more worried about financially supporting children (college, etc) and getting back to their hobbies, etc., when children are grown than women are.

Have you thought about why you're so eager to have a fourth child? If you had the fourth, how do you know that same driving force wouldn't influence you to want to have yet another? Sometimes women feel sad when their kids are growing up and always want a younger one around, to feel needed and loved...is it possible that that's what you're feeling? Do some soul searching on this one.

- Response by lifeisbutadream, A Career Woman, Female, 56-65, New York, Medical / Dental

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What is it about having baby #4 that is so important to you?
Children are a wonderful gift & you have been blessed 3 times. Your husband may have anxiety about financially supporting a family of 6. The family dynamics change as the children get older & more independant. The baby thing is really hard work with the late night feeding & the limitations it puts on what you can do as a family, getting a babysitter for a newborn plus 3 kids is tough & expensive.
Maybe hubby is ready to have is wife back & enjoy the stuff you can do as the kids get older. A family vacation is not that fun with a baby!
I'm not sure if you will change his mind, but maybe you should discuss with him why you want more & listen to why he doesn't want any more.

- Response by fbomb101, A Life of the Party, Female, 36-45, Boston, Managerial

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I feel that being you had to convince him about your third child and he agreed then I think it is now your turn to agree with him not to have another child. When all is said and done it is really between the two of you, but I just feel if he said yes to you about something that was initaily know to him, then it would only seem fair to me that you know would do the same and accept his no this time around.

- Response by lawrie, A Career Woman, Female, 36-45, Administrative

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The issue to consider is "what does having a baby in the house mean to me?" because that is the key point of contention here.

Do you somehow feel more needed when you have an infant? You have more to do? Do you miss the 100% dependency on you that a baby has, vs. your older children that can do more for themselves? Do you miss the attention you get from strangers and family having a small child that they coo and goo over? Do you feel less of a woman if you aren't holding a helpless infant in your arms? Or is it that you are forced to face other issues in your relationship that you can ignore or push aside "because I am pregnant" or "because the baby is crying and needs me."

There is a problem with your definition of who you are and your value aside from pushing out and caring for babies. Who are you - the woman, not the Mom? Do you know?

- Response by msheartbeat, A Trendsetter, Female, 46-55, San Francisco, Self-Employed

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You should feel blessed that you have 3 beautiful children and a happy marriage, but the more you try to "talk " him into a child, the more annoyed he's probably going to get and that will put a strain on your happy marriage. Enjoy what you have and maybe to satisfy this craving for another baby why don't you think about getting a dog or a cat instead? I'm serious- sometimes pets can fulfill a desire to have something around that needs to be cared for and will make your husband happy at the same time! That is providing that you both like animals!

- Response by dolphingirl44, A Sweet Sarah, Female, 36-45, Tampa, Veterinary

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babies are a joy but you have 3 wonderful children and a wonderful marriage.....I personally think you two need to sit down and talk to each other about why you want to have this baby, and why he doesn't and I suggest letting him really express him self on this, and for your marriage sake if he has a good point you might think of being the that compromises this time beings he did on the third child. Or maybe he will finally see why a fourth child would be good for the five of you because after all the children should have a bit of a say in it too. But you know I feel that you should just be happy that you are so blessed with three healthy children and a wonderful marriage and save the money that would be spent on a fourth child for and amazing family getaway, or just the two of you, and who knows maybe then you guys will.....conceive a fourth child! Sometimes me work best under no pressure if you know what I mean.
good luck, and best of wishes to you and your family
hope everything works out for you

- Response by vanah87, A Life of the Party, Female, 26-28, Financial / Banking

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I am in the same boat. But I want a third child. This has to be one of the toughest issues out there. There is no win-win. And I am sick of people saying you should just be thankful for what you have. Believe me, those that say that are the same ones that would be hankering for $2 million dollars when they only have $1 million.

Here is the other side of it. Is there a good reason not to have the fourth? It probably won't kill you financially. Your current childern will benefit from having another sibling. One more is not going to bring the house down. And the world won't come to an end.

I don't think prior generations had this issue. Since things were not so "controlled" the decision was not so difficult. My husband was an oops. His father did not talk to his mother for a year after finding out she was expecting. But in the end, they were glad they had him (child #2 15 years apart - the only boy).

My advice is keep having frank discussions about it. Evaluate how you are controlling your fertility. This does take two. If you have something that is semi-permanent, can you change it? I'm not saying to trick him. But if your fertility is left to its own devices (and he is aware of it) and you have an active sex life, this is a normal consequence of the way it is supposed to be...maybe. There is no guarantee you will get pregnant again.

Best.

- Response by mmom, A Thinker, Female, 46-55

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I'm in your position exactly. The reasons I want a fourth have nothing to do with some deep emotional need to be a mother of a baby, as other writers imply. Simply put, I always wanted a big family. My husband has one sister who will never have children so my children will never have cousins on his side and they only have two cousins on my side. I had 28 cousins growing up! It was so much fun! My children would love to have more cousins but that's not possible so I think they neeed another sibling. My husband never saw his cousins growing up so he has no idea how much fun it can be. My husband only had the one sister who was far apart in age from him so he does not understand the joy of having siblings. I think he's more spoiled because he came from two rather than three or more.

I also have three boys and would like to have a girl. My husband has his boys and I would like to try one more time for a girl. I can probably have only one more because I'm 45.

If we have another boy, then they will have even numbers to play sports. I would also like to have an even number. I grew up in a family of three children and I know firsthand there is always an odd man out.

My husband's main concern is money. He said he wants to be able to fly first class not coach! He's digging his heels in. I would love to know how to convince him to have the fourth!

Finally, I just don't feel done. I know I will resaent him for life if we don't try. However, if it's my body that can't have another baby, I wouldn't resent him but we have to start now before I get any older. Each month counts. Help!



- Response by A Thinker, Female, 46-55

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I am in a similar situation... I too have three beautiful Children and we have an awesome marriage. We have two boys ages 9 & 7 and a little girl 4. I never wanted to wait this long to have another baby, but time just gets away from you and before you know it, its been 4years. I have been ready to try for over a year now, but just cant seem to convince him. The thing is, my husband says that he does want another baby. He says that it would be nice to have a baby around again, but then he just wont do anything about it. I know that things are so different for men then for women with the whole finantial aspect of having children, but if we wait I dont see how it will help anything! We have a rental property and a home morgage and he said today when I asked him what it would take--he said that we needed to get both of them paid off before he would feel ready! That pretty much means that we wont ever have another one. I know that I am still pretty young, I'll be 29 in January, but I dont want to be getting up there in age and still be having babies. I've always told my husband that after I was 30 I was done no matter what. My parents had children up in the years and they just didnt have the stamina or the health to keep up with all of us, I dont want that to be the case in my family. I just dont understand, If he wants another baby too, then what is stopping us from trying!!! I know that he stresses over the finances, but I cant see waiting 4 or 5 more years until we get some bill paid off before having another one. That just puts too big of a gap between my daughter and the next baby! I just think that the benefits of having another baby now, outweighs waiting for a later time. He just says that he doesnt feel that its the right time, i guess i should just respect his decision, but it always just feels like one of us is loosing. If he says yes when he really isnt ready, he may resent me and him saying not right now makes me feel like Im on the loosing end... I dont know, I guess there isnt an easy answer. I am finding that there will be no convincing, either God will have to speak to his heart on my behalf or it just wont happen! The only thing that I guess that I can offer you is a sincere prayer for your husband to come into agreement with you if it is the Lords will for you to have baby #4 and I will continue to do likewise for my own husband. Sorry for rambling, just needed to get all that off my chest!

- Response by journigirl04, A Creative, Female, 29-35, Home Maker

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My wife and I have 3 beautiful boys, as ell as another boy from a previous relationship, and I am very grateful for all of them. After the third, we both decided that I should get a vasectomy. Now, our youngest is 2 and my wife is having second thoughts and wants me to reverse it. I am against this for the following reasons:

1) My wife has obsessive compulsive disorder and this I feel plays a part in her feelings about the situation. Here sister has just become pregnant and other women in our neighborhood are pregnant.

2) After becoming pregnant with each of our three sons, she became obsessed with the fear that something was going to be wrong with each of them while she was pregnant. She would become severely depressed.

3) We are in a mountain of debt, that we need to address. Having a reverse vasectomy would cost anywhere from 6000 to 15000 to perform without the guarantee of success. This would just add to the stress of myself having to worry about how to support our family.

4) Emotionally, I feel like I cannot be there for another child. There are limits for everyone on how much someone can handle. It takes a lot of work to be there emotionally for each child and I look at it as not having enough time to be there for each one of them.

She has threatened to leave me over this and I am confused as to how to handle the situation. I love her very much, but feel as I am being given an ultimatum. This is a no win for either of us because there is no compromise. I know our marriage is the most important, but also can't help thinking of how best to take care of my family especially during these hard economic times.


- Response by A Guy Critical, Male, 36-45

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