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Why does she treat me like this?
Married Life / 4:30 PM - Sunday January 20, 2008

Why does she treat me like this?

My wife treats me like a subordinate instead of an equal. She will say things to me in front of other people that I would never say to her in the same situation. And it seems that she believes that between the two of us she is the only one capable of using her brain. Why do women do this?

- Asked by A Rebel, Male, 46-55, Consulting

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I would imagine she is doing this because you are not giving her something she wants, like support or affection, etc, and it is her way of lashing out to make you feel back like she is feeling. I would talk it over with her, I think this can be solved, patience, and honesty. Good luck.

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 36-45

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BOTH men and women do this ONLY when their partners allow it. Food for thought.

- Response by nowornever, A Thinker, Female, 66 or older, Financial / Banking

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Community Rating: Community Star

Women are not the only ones who do this. MY ex did this to me.
This is emotional abuse. If you slap the shit out of her that is physical abuse- so you can't do that. Your remedy is to dress her down in public - but do this very calmly and be sure you are right and you know what you are talking about- then divorce her ass. There are a lot of good women out there, who won't treat you this way.

One thing to remember: you are being abused and the people who do see her do this do not think better of her. She is making a fool out of herself.

Consult a lawyer. Seriously. No one should be mistreated.

- Response by trekker2, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Consulting

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Not all women do that, I think you just got a bitch

- Response by psychoticbabe1, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Other Profession

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It's a mean-spirited thing to do to anyone, particularly a spouse. The bottomline to most of this type of behavior is that it "builds them up" to "tear you down."

There is no other excuse for that kind of behavior that I know about. It's embarrassing and humiliating. Perhaps you need to talk to her about it.

- Response by pushkins, A Thinker, Female, 66 or older, Miami, Who Cares?

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"women" don't do this. Husbands or wives who are unhappy in the marriage, will treat the other one like this, if they can get away with it

- Response by cuisineart, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 56-65, Food Service

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Living the life too I see!!! My wife does the same thing...and when I say something to her she gets all pissed. I have asked similar questions on this forum and keep being told to sit down and talk to her (which doesn't do any good) and to seek counceling. Brother....the only thing I can say is surround yourself by people who truly make you feel good about yourself as much as possible. Either that or find yourself a hot M.I.L.F. on the side!!! lol

- Response by rockla1972, A Guy Critical, Male, 36-45, Teaching

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this is what controlling people do... no matter men or women. My husband does is all the time.

- Response by sweetimes, A Creative, Female, 36-45, Consulting

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It isn't only women who do that. I've seen men put their wives down in the same way. It is their own insecurities shining through, and in the end, they are the ones that look like they need to be using their brains. Try to speak to her and tell her how you feel, if not, ignore it. She will come off as the bad guy, not you!

- Response by sexybroad, An Alternative Girl, Female, 29-35

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"Women" don't do this. Some women, and some men, may do this. Sometimes I'm pissed off with my guy, but I don't assume all men are like him.

Your wife has issues with being put in her place, and hates it. Or, was bossed around a LOT when growing up. (Is she a youngest born?) Or, she is angry with you for not being supportive of her in other ways...and is taking it out on you by being bossy in public. She must also be very angry with you by implying your brain isn't good enough.

It may be a combo of the above. Talk to her. Don't come at her, guns blazing....just ask her why she is angry, and where it comes from. Marital counselling may reveal a great deal, too.

Do talk to her and approach this as a team, something you both solve....not just "her" problem. It's yours, too, obviously - it's affecting the both of you.

Good luck - I do hope you solve this.

- Response by sakura1, A Player, Female, Who Cares?, Who Cares?

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Women don't do that. YOUR woman does that. I suggest you seek counseling. Absent that read her the riot act in front of the other people the next time she disrespects you.

Don't hit her. Yet.

- Response by llafsroh, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 46-55, Boston, Science / Engineering

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First thing to understand is that not all women do this. Don't blame the gender. This is a function of her personality, your personality, and your interaction. She might have been like this before you knew her, maybe not. She somehow learned that the way she treats you is okay... she gets what she wants... it works for her. And somewhere in this, you let it happen. So don't let it happen any more. Starting now. Either by words or by actions (which speak louder than words) you have to show that the rules have changed. Tell her no. Walk away. Don't give in. This may feel strange, maybe empowering, maybe painful. If she can't deal with the new you, then you'll have a new set of issues to deal with, my friend. Good luck.

- Response by anteus, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 46-55, Teaching

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I don't think all women do that. I know men that do that also. It's proably part of there personality.Also some people need that feeling of superiority to hide there insecurity.

- Response by roanna, A Hippie Chick, Female, 56-65, Self-Employed

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Certainly not all women do. I have seen it and it embarrassed me to even be in the same room while it was happening.

Sometimes it's a matter of a person not understanding the hurt it causes. Or it's a "dissing" thing. Either way, you can certainly assert yourself by explaining how that makes you feel. But don't do it in public. Wait for 1:1 so you aren't guilty of the same thing.

- Response by mjlehner, A Life of the Party, Male, 66 or older, Managerial

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It isn't just women who do this. It is an indication of a "Type A" personality. At times my wife tries this. I remind her that I am not one of her children or students and I will not be treated this way at home or in public. When she says something subordinate in front of other people I let her know right then and there this is unacceptable and walk away. We each have certain responsibilities in the house we reserve for ourselves. As far as my responsibilities, I let her know her input is always welcome but I reserve the final decision regardless of what she says or thinks and post negative feed-back is not an option. I remind her we are a "team", "two equals" and if she cannot understand that concept then some serious changes around the house can easily be made. Good Luck!

- Response by bigdog52, A Father Figure, Male, 56-65, Oklahoma City, Science / Engineering

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SOME women do it. Not all. My stepmother is like that with my father and we really hate to hear that. I think you need to talk to her about it and ask her NOT to do that to you, as you do not and would not do it to her. See if telling her sincerely and honestly how that hurts and makes you feel stupid in front of people maybe she will think twice. One of my son't has that problem also. He is not dumb (he's in college) by any means but she does this in front of everyone. I think the women that do this have low self esteem and use you to boost their egos. They seem confident but really are not. The two women above I mentioned both seem very confident, but are not and just hide it well. Both of them feel they have to prove themselves, and knowing you love them, they feel more secure doing that to you than anyone else. Communicate your feelings and call it to her attention. Don't let it keep making you feel badly about yourself and destroying your self esteem. You deserve to be treated as well as you treat her. Tell her that.

- Response by goldenoldie, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Self-Employed

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Let her know that what she is doing is 'abuse', plain and simple and you don't deserve that kind of treatment from someone who is 'supposed' to love deserve someone who will treat you with the same respect and consideration that you treat her...this is totally unacceptable and you deserve better...:D

- Response by fastball, A Cool Mom, Female, 36-45, Edmonton, Self-Employed

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Hi Anonymous:

My advice to you is to speak to her about this as soon as possible. Condescending to you infront of others, or at all, is extremely rude on her part. In your conversation, mark specific instances in which she has treated you badly. Tell her how it makes you feel.

To my mind, gender doesn't dictate ones capacity for rudeness. The fact your wife is acting this way has nothing to do with her being female.


- Response by rougemarie, A Thinker, Female, 36-45

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She'sprbably doing all this out of guilt, start to watch for signs!!!!

- Response by curiousc, An Alternative Girl, Female, 36-45, Other Profession

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My mom does this to my dad, and they've been married for 45 years. It really bothers me and my sister when we see her do this. She has a doctorate degree, and he had to leave primary school to work in a shipyard when he was 14, so their education varies greatly. But that doesn't make her superior!

My dad is awesome, he can fix ANYTHING, even a TV, whereas my mother can't even drive a stick shift.

My dad gets back at her in little ways though. He gives her the silent treatment, which drives her crazy. Or if she's being particularly obnoxious at a gathering with other people, he won't eat anything and he pretends not to hear anyone when they talk to him.

- Response by jeezydeezy22, A Sweet Sarah, Female, 36-45, Los Angeles, Consulting

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She's taunting you into hitting her so that she can play the victim.

- Response by A Life of the Party, Male, 46-55

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She does this because she doesn't respect you. Speak up and put her in her place, don't tolerate this behaviour any longer.

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Los Angeles, Other Profession

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There are also men who do this.

All you can do about it is walk away (for good).

Oh by the way, the people who witness this know she is just a royal bitch, so don't worry about defending yourself. They already know.

- Response by suess, An Alternative Girl, Female, 46-55

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I read an article recently about an ongoing trend of women who talk down to their men, especially with other women. They talk about how their men are incompetent, the mistakes they make, their shortcomings. It is almost like a bonding thing with these women, and many women are very open about their private lives, and enjoying talking about their man, regardless of whether the things they are saying are hurtful. It creates an image of who this man is to them, and this is what they associate him with.

No one should talk about their significant other like that, or say things like that to their s/o's face, except for maybe in a light, joking, "but I love you anyway!" manner. And not all women do this, so please don't generalize. I'm sure your wife will react if you tell her how this makes you feel... I'm sure in a reverse situation, she would be very verbal about how she felt about you treating her like a subordinate.

- Response by ladypolish, A Sweet Sarah, Female, 29-35, Montreal, Hospitality

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Sounds like she is insecure so trys to make herself look superior. I would be concerned that it shows a lack of respect for you and a basic missing ingredient in your relationship. Whenever you feel you are pulling the bulk of the weight in the relationship and things are off center it is not good for your well being and self esteem. Counseling might help but if she refuses to admit to change then a lack of willingness shows she wants your relationship to remain the same. Then it is up to you whether it is worth it to you to stay. Smiles.

- Response by dreamdancer, A Creative, Female, 36-45, Houston, Other Profession

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That's emotionally abusive. Don't take that kind of treatment. Sit her down and talk to her about it and DEMAND tat she changes or her behavior - or else. I would personally leave if someone acted condescending like that towards me.

- Response by silver75, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Stockholm, Other Profession

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All relationships balance on the worth of the two people on the dating market. You let your value drop and she is acting accordingly. Your ticket to getting a decent woman involves you investing effort in boosting your value. Until those decisions bear fruit is staying really preferable to what life would be like living on your own?

- Response by bailarenfuego, A Guy Critical, Male, 46-55, Technical

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Disrespect is disrespect.

I had a boss once that said "The more you let yourself be kicked, the more you will be kicked."

It's true. What you can do is confront her on the issue at home. Let her know you won't accept this in the future.

The next time you two are in public and she starts, then quietly get up and leave. It won't take too many of those events before she starts thinking twice about embarrassing you in public. And your acquaintences will respect you for your polite method for handling it.

Because when someone treats their spouse like this in public, all the couples feel uncomfortable.

Good luck and God bless

- Response by kravjar666, A Father Figure, Male, 46-55, Los Angeles, Consulting

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Man you just need to give her the Beaacchh Slap...... Keep your Pimp hand strong!!! Just kidding but a word of warning .... If you let her treat you that way she will. She may be mad at you , but more than likely she thinks she's better than you , and she's really mad at herself for settling. Trust me ...I am in that situation now, over the years it has gotten worse, when you stand up for yourself it only makes her madder. Eventually , you start to ignore it and soon after that you ignore each other completly. Then your just waiting on the divorce papers like myself. Maybe counseling will help, tell her you feel bad when she does it and watch how much more of it you get. If she starts witholding sexx..... dont waste time Run!!!!

- Response by boxer1, A Guy Critical, Male, 46-55, Self-Employed

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It seems like she has lost respect for you. When she behaves in this manner in front of stranger, family, friends, let her know that this behavior is unacceptable. Period And if she believes she is the only one with a brain, then she can find someone else to think for,but it won't be you. Most women don't behave in this manner,I don't think she is aware of her behavior and unless you tell her she will never know.

- Response by loislane69, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, New York, Self-Employed

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It seems that she does'nt respect you all that much she humiliates you infront of people like your some big joke to her disregarding your feelings The sad thing is your her husband and she represents you if she feel this much lack for you she must don't like herself much either because to downgrade you is really downgrading and disrespecting herself afterall she said yes t the marriage

- Response by sexucure, A Life of the Party, Female, 22-25, Philadelphia

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So every woman you meet treats you thusly? Or is it just your wife? And how many times have you screwed things up and left someone else, usually your wife, to clean up the mess? And soothe hurt feelings? Agreed her words and actions may show a lack of respect, but did you not bring this on yourself? And maybe in the past you have not exercised wise judgement. How is she to know you have matured to wisdom if you do not practice same?

- Response by iamasamos, A Thinker, Female, 66 or older

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It is funny, but I find the situation similar to someone who keeps a manual record for tax purposes rather than using a computer. Maybe they are intimidated by superiority?


- Response by rekkonball, A Guy Critical, Male, 66 or older, Retired

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whats taking you so long to straighten her out

- Response by concord22, A Rebel, Male, Who Cares?, New York, Who Cares?

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women do not all act this way. certain overbearing women and men do and they need to learn to change their ways or find someone who will tolerate it as you have.

- Response by cmama23, A Hip Hop Girl, Female, 29-35, Teaching

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Allow me to play a little devils advocate with you. I agree with you 100% that it is never right for someone to disrespect you in public by making comments that belittle and demean you.
And while I agree that in some instances this can be a sign of someone with control issues there is another story that often doesn't get told.
On occasion a woman of intelligence who has unwittingly found herself with a partner of less intellectual functioning who are a myriad of occasions demonstrated that his ability to make accurate assessments of situations and then act on information gathered has left alot to be desired. If it were a business relationship as opposed to a marital one he would have long since been fired.
There are men who repeatedly drop the ball and make huge messes of every kind and description that then makes it impossible for his partner to function within the relationship without fixing what he has broken and has not skill base or knowledge base to undo.
This is why people in general fall into the abhorent behavior you described above.

- Response by joybird, A Creative, Female, Who Cares?, Therapist

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Can I say grow some nuts?

I try not to condone unnecessary confrontation.... but she needs some "attitudinal adjustin'" REALLY quick. The longer she gets away with this, the worse it'll be for you.

- Response by king313, A Rebel, Male, 29-35, Detroit, Technical

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Sorry, not all women are like that!!

- Response by loveangel, A Career Woman, Female, 46-55, Philadelphia, Who Cares?

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what about men? why do they do that too?

- Response by shalimar, A Thinker, Female, 46-55

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yeah, so whats the question?

- Response by arewethereyet, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 56-65, Political / Government

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women dont do this, see what is in u that make her do it.

- Response by sandysh, A Thinker, Female, 26-28, Student

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