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Active Questions

Why am I so vindictive?
Sex & Intimacy / 12:11 PM - Saturday December 22, 2007

Why am I so vindictive?

I have this problem
when I feel rejected by a man, like if he chooses someone else other than me, or ends it, I feel so hopeless and helpless and unwanted, and I want to lash out and hurt him in any way I can. I would never do anything violent because I'm not a violent person, but I start getting these ideas in my head like I want revenge, and I want to spread rumors about him and destroy his relationships with other women, by telling them how small his dick is, etc...I want to email girls he's talking to on myspace and tell them that we've been together recently so they'll dump him...things like that. I KNOW stuff like that doesn't really WORK ....I really DON'T want to be like this, it's almost like my emotions are SO STRONG and it's hard for me to get past it, it's like I can't feel any relief until he hurts like I hurt, and feels that sense of loss and being screwed over like I feel. Why do I keep thinking like this, and how can I stop it? Thanks.

- Asked by Female, 29-35

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it happens to the best of us. I getthe way sometimes. My recent relationship the guy left me to go back to his ex (without telling me!)

I wanted to make is life miserable and i had the evil thoughts in my head and whatnot.

Its a way that we can cope with the rejection/anger/hurt. And it will take time for you to heal. As long as you are not following through with the ideas then you are ok! and when you look back on this a month or even a year from now.. you are going to laugh because they were never worth it in the first place!

Cheer up sunshine =)

- Response by lunablossum, An Alternative Girl, Female, 29-35, New York, Medical / Dental

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No one can successfully enter into an adult loving relationship unless he is emtionally whole and complete of himself to begin with. Anything other than that, and you are going to have two emotionally fractured people who are not going to add up to two emotionally whole people, or at the most, one emotionally complete person and one fractured and emotionally needy person depending on the other to make him or her a complete emotional whole.

My suspicion here is that you get involved with men not because they really interest or excite you or are even worth you, but because you are emotionally needy and dependent on them to make you emotionally whole. Thus, when your relationships end or they reject you, you are thrown back into the position of complete emotional fracture and insecurity and you thus want to lash out, hurt and get revenge on them for having "rendered you HAPLESS, HELPLESS, HOPELESS, HORRENDOUSLY HORRIFIED and HURT"--how could they do all that to you! And I say that because were you an emotionally whole woman to begin with, as soon as the first jerk dumped, left or rejected you, you would show your strength by saying to him and yourself: "DUCKPLUCKER WAS NOT WORTH ME IN THE FIRST PLACE--WASTED ALL THESE MONTHS OF MY TIME--GOOD RIDDANCE TO YOU, AND DON'T EVER COME BACK!" and you would have moved on to the next man, along with the certainty that you weren't going to take any mess off of him, either. Instead, you have taken the rejection of the men you've met as a statement to you that you're not worth it, and you think crying and taking revenge on them is going to substitute for the emotional strength you already lackedf.

Perhaps the reason all your men reject you in the first place is that they sense your lack of sincerity and genuine interest in them in your emotional neediness from the beginning and ultimately use it to end your relationships after you have smothered them with it.

You say you really DON'T want to be this way, but your EMOTIONS are so STRONG it's hard to get past the hurt and betrayal you feel and you want them to feel the same SENSE OF SELF-LOSS and being screwed over that you do. Well, in order for you to change all that, you must change your thinking by TAKING THE WORD "STRONG" away from your emotions and APPLYING IT to your SENSE OF SELF-WORTH by learning who you are, and then you not only won't feel so martyred after a man rejects you, but you will be better able to perceive the ones right for you from the beginning so as not to get screwed over by the wrong ones that aren't worth it to you. More POWER to the defenseless all the time!

- Response by thedaimler2006, An Alternative Girl, Female, 56-65, Atlanta, Self-Employed

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Community Rating: Community Star

If I am rejected, and it happens to all of us, I might hope his new relationship doesn't work, but it wouldn't go beyond that. and I would usually rethink it over time, and think hey, if he isn't happy with me, then it wasn't meant to be, and better to find out as early as possible.

I think your reactions are rather strong for the situation, and I think a support group or counseling might help you work through it. I would think it would be hard to have to go through that much agony in addition to getting hurt.

- Response by lasuz, A Thinker, Female, Who Cares?, Los Angeles, Retired

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rejection is hard and you just have to learn to control your anger. we can't control our thoughts but we can control our action. Take a kick boxing class go running or buy a punching bag anything to relieve you anger.
You will find another man. God Bless.

- Response by tleeb, A Guy Critical, Male, Who Cares?, Dallas, Other Profession

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Here is the reality. We all get rejected at some time or another by someone whom we are attracted to, life is like that. Most of us hurt a bit from it, pick ourselves up and move on. You on the other hand have carried vindictiveness to an extreme. I have little doubt that there have been other areas in your life and in your past where you have not rested until you exacted your pound of flesh. In time such activities poison all of our relationships. It can be said that such negativity stems from internal anger whose etiology is self hate and self destructiveness. I wish to suggest that your vindictive reputation and nature has preceded you and that is why you were rejected in the first place. One of these days if you are not careful, you will act out one of your revenge tactics and it is going to blow up in your face and then you will have real troubles.

- Response by gilpill, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 46-55, Chicago, Internet / New Media

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I've felt this way a time or two when a guy hurt me so badly that I just wanted to lash out at him...the reality with this is that you can't really hurt someone unless they 'allow' you to hurt them and even though 'revenge' could be sweet, it most often always brings more hurt and pain to both people...the way that I deal with it is to write down my feelings in a journal and/or write poetry about what I am feeling and I will also talk to someone I trust who can listen and not judge my actions/ of the best ways I've found to work through these kinds of feelings is to go for a walk and think about how you are feeling and if those feelings are coming from my own thoughts/opinions or from the things he said/ helps because it takes the focus off what I am feeling and helps me find different ways to deal with it all...:D

- Response by fastball, A Cool Mom, Female, 36-45, Edmonton, Self-Employed

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