You ask why he acts this way. It's merely his way of trying to control you. Control is irrational, and as ou pointed out, your flaws are laving a tea bag out and running out of milk three times this year. That doesn't sound rational does it?
Off the cuff, and knowing some of the other questions you have posted, I would have to say he feels like he's losing control. He knows through experience that if he barks, you jump. It's his last bastion of control.
You mention three years of counseling. You mention that you "know better now". You're changing, he senses this. He's obviously losing ground.
You are turning the tables on him and he doesn't know how to compensate. (Good for you!)
I'm not condoning his behavior at all, just trying to put some explanation, some sense of rational thought behind is irrational behavior.
In my experience, not all men mean bad when they do bad. Social conditioning and peer pressure when we men grow up teach us to suppress our feelings. Therefore, we never really learn to deal with them. The fault here is a fundamental view of "why men shouldn't cry" versus the real meaning of "why men shouldn't cry".
I went through some fairly extensive anger management. I lucked up with my therapist, because I really don't think the majority of therapists and counselors out there are worth $.05.
What I learned is, the trigger to my anger was the equivalent to "static". When I experienced an emotion I didn't know how to handle, the result to my brain was "static" and this static was manifested as intense anger. A short circuit if you will, or a robot saying "does not compute".
Your husband was not barking about the teabag, nor the forgotten milk. He was barking about something much more intense, something deep rooted with which he cannot, or does not know how to, come to terms.
You are taking his actions and reactions at face value and not looking at the deeper problem. The next time he reacts over a tea bag, stand up, and calmly and rationally ask him what is the matter. Explain to him that obviously the teabag isn't that big of a deal and that something much bigger must be bothering him, and it would help the both of you if he would share.
One thing that will diffuse anger is a logical and rational approach. You "jumping" when he barks enforces his use of anger, and if you were to stand up and argue for yourself at these times would only intensify his anger.
Very important to remember - you are responsible for your happiness and he is responsible for his. This is a VERY important boundary to maintain in a relationship.
Sorry for the long response, but the answer to your question goes way beyond the simple words in the question.
Don;t forget you can always write me. :)
- Response by curadvent
, A Father Figure, Male, 46-55, Who Cares?