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Friends with ex-wife? Or should I say wife?
Dating / 4:37 AM - Friday December 07, 2007

Friends with ex-wife? Or should I say wife?

ORIGINAL QUESTION

Hi everyone,

Is there any reason why someone would want to remain friends with their ex-wife when they have another girlfriend of 19 months?

I told my boyfriend I think it's inappropriate. They DO NOT have children together, nor do they have children at all.

He said to me if it's inappropriate for him and her to be friends, then I shouldn't be friends with any of my males either friends (my males are PLATONIC, always have been, and I met them at church or a church-related group meeting that I used to attend weekly).

Question 1: Is it appropriate to still be friends with an ex-wife that you have no children and no other ties to?

Question 2: Is it the same as me being friends with males whom I am platonic with (and always have been, they are NOT ex-boyfriends).

Discuss.

FOLLOW UP QUESTION

I forgot to mention, they're not even divorced yet!

I've been with him for 19 months and they're still legally married. Just for the record, they live in separate states.

I know she wants him back, she told him, and he told me. He says he can't get a divorce yet because "he can't afford it". It costs $300 AUD(approximately $257 USD). She won't get one for the reason I've already mentioned! He says it doesn't matter because they're not together anyway, and it's just a piece of paper.

He says he doesn't love her anymore. Yes, I've asked him. More than once.

I feel like an adultress, even though they had been separated years before I even met him.

I hate this.

- Asked by msunique07, A Creative, Female, 36-45, Melbourne, Administrative

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This is a tough one! Since your b/f and he wife live in separate states, I doubt they're having sex.If they were divorced, with the distance and non-sex factored in, there wouldn't be anything wrong with them being friends. In your case, there's absolutely nothing wrong with you keeping your male friends. I don't think he totally believes you that all your male friendships are really only platonic. And since he says he can't afford to file for a divorce(smells like what it sounds like)andhis wife won't give it to him, you're at an unresolable stalemate. I think it's time for you to give yourself credit for being loyal, but tell him you're not going to live in limbo anymore and move on.

- Response by drpmindmender, A Creative, Male, 56-65, Who Cares?

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goodness. It sounds real tough.
But to give you my honest opinion, "yes," I think it's okay for someone to be friends with their ex-whatevers. Because, here's the thing: break ups in relationships don't always harbor from hate. And even if it came from hate, you'd much rather have someone prefer liking you than to have perpetually hard feelings. It's nice to be liked, and to raise hell over somethings just isn't worth disturbing the potential peace. I'm not saying you're raising hell, but being friends is okay, I think. I understand that it bothers you a lot, but hey, he has you. You should trust him and believe that he's not going to do anything wrong to you. After all, he IS the man you trusted you love, right? Then trusting him would mean believing yourself, as well.
There's something wrong with not getting a divorce and going out with another girl for 19 months, knowing your wife wants you back, but ... then again, you really can't do anything about it unless you forge their signatures or something. If he really wants to start fresh, he should get a divorce ASAP -- I'm thinking it's not only the financial situation that's causing a problem. However, if they're living separately, I don't think there's nothing to really worry about. He has you, you have him (although not legally), and he loves you more than he loves his wife (right?). If you're seriously considering marrying this man, you might want to sit down and talk to him about him signing the papers, but if not, then just relax and see how it goes. Raise hell when he DOES go back to her. Worry about the relationship between you & him -- not about him and his "ex" wife. If ya'll have your relationship secured, then don't try making any problems worse. Focus on what you have in front of you, and worry about the rest when it comes up and really strikes you hard. Trust him first. :)

hope all goes well :)

- Response by sunsetorange, An Alternative Girl, Female, 22-25, Student

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Q1) Maybe the had a real good relationship and there is nothing wrong with them still being friends, kids or no kids. I know that it must drive you crazy to know that she still has feelings for him, but think about how bad it drives her crazy knowing that she can't have him because he's with you, a woman that he love more. Plus she lives in a different then the two of you...I wouldn't be that worried about it.

Q2) No it's not the same thing but something between you and one of them could possabley happen and thats the logic that your boyfriend is using..to me it's not logic but to guys it is.





- Response by delovley, A Hippie Chick, Female, 22-25, Other Profession

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If your man is going to cheat, he will, whether it's with the ex, the gal at the office, some chick online..etc. It's what you really want to know isn't it? It sounds like your guy isn't ready to quite let go after a year and a half of separation and nary a divorce proceeding in sight. If I were you, I would offer to loan him the $257 and watch his response quite closely. Piece of paper or not, a final decree is a punch in the stomach no matter how amicable and that's probably what he's afraid of. If I knew I could trust him after that, I would offer to make friends with the ex as well. If you realize that trust just isn't there..then split..otherwise it's going to eat away at you and manifest itself in other areas of your relationship seemingly unrelated. In answer to your second question, (a)friends with the ex is NOT the same as (b)just friends with a member of the opposite sex. However, it ALSO does NOT mean (a) has a bigger chance of being unfaithul than (b). That is what this all boils down to for you isn't it? Best of luck for you dear.

- Response by mikodynamite, An Alternative Girl, Female, 36-45, New York, Hospitality

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nothing wrong with being friends with his ex. it shows maturity. except there is one problem. she is not his ex yet. doesn't matter how long they have been seperated. they are still married and right now things could still go either way.

- Response by atenderheart42, A Sweet Sarah, Female, 46-55, Who Cares?

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The problems here are all yours. There is no reason to go from loving someone and wanting to spend the rest of your life with them, to suddenly not caring about them or never seeing them again.

It's great that they are still on good terms. If you want him to leave you, keep harping on it.

Either way, ditch the hypocrisy. He is right. If you think there is something wrong with them being freinds, then you should have no male friends.

The difference between you and him is that he has matured during his life, you have not. He is capable of an adult relationship. You aren't even capable of allowing someone else to have one.

- Response by angelicaam, A Sweet Sarah, Female, 36-45

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Well if they arent divorced yet, in gods eyes and the goverments eyes, he is commiting adultery. I think maybe the reason that he is still friends with her is A) she just has always been someone that was a good friend (my x and I found we make better friends that lovers) or b.) being that she was his wife, he still has feelings for her, not relationship feelings, but he still cares for her, and he always will thats something you need to learn to accept, but maybe he just can't bearing breaking ties and hurting her feelings anymore than he already has, could be another reason for not divorcing yet either (although it is pricey, i can't afford one either) However, having a friend that you were once married to, and having friends that you were never even slightly involved with is different. And I'm not just agreeing cause I'm a woman and I wanna stick with my girls..it is different. Feelings were never there, which makes there way more less of a chance that feelings will ever exist. If its causing that much of a stir that its putting a damper on the relationship, maybe you're not wife number 2, hes got to be willing to let her go, if you mean that much to him.

- Response by amongyong, A Cool Mom, Female, 29-35, Retired

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This is really a two-part issue, I think. First, you don't need to be jealous of an ex, because they are just that... ex. Second, I think it's mature for exes to remain friendly if they can, not FWB, just friends. The idea that she wants him doesn't back doesn't really impact you. Now, if he wanted her back, then it becomes an issue for you. You're swimming into deep water anyway when you try to regulate who another person can be friends with. It's not your choice.

Now, the not getting a divorce part, when you have been seeing him for 19 months is somewhat problematic. Just how long has he been separated? Sometimes a man will stay legally married to one woman to avoid being available to any other woman. Perhaps he just doesn't want to remarry. After 19 months? Sweetie!

The legal definition of adultry is having sex with another person while you are legally married. He is comitting adultry, you are fornicating. Doesn't that just paint your little wagon red!

- Response by educatedguess, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Retired

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if you are going to oppose him seeing his (wife) as a friend and they have a good communication then yes you should not see any of your male friends. It is the same situation.

- Response by pepperman46, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 46-55

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