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What to do about an jerk son-in-law????
Married Life / 5:33 PM - Sunday November 18, 2007

What to do about an jerk son-in-law????

Help! My daughter is 21. Last December she married a guy 34. Yes she was pregnant. The baby came about a month later. The biggest problem is that he is a male chauvnist pig. She doesnt know how to handle him. Like for instance this happened today. He was working came home early. She was with her cousin. They had gone to church this morning and just hung out for the day. When he called he demanded that she come home. she told him she was on the way. He told her to stop "shit talking him in front of her family". She told me on the phone she is sooooo sick of him she doesnt know what to do. What can we do to help her?? What can we do to him to make him see what a shit he is????

- Asked by terror820, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Self-Employed

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Help her do what? That's the big question. What can you do to help her???? What?? What does she want as an "end"result in all of this?

If she can answer that question for you, then we have a place to go. If we have a place to go, then finding a map on how to get there is a breeze right?

Can't help you decide where to go if you don't already know right?

And when your that young and in your first marriage, the chances on knowing what is right and making a firm decision that you stick to are pretty slim.

You say she does not know how to handle him? What exactly do you mean? She doesn't know how to make him stop ordering her around? If thats the destination, I have a map for you!

If you don't want someone to order you around, you simply stop responding to commands. For someone to be controlled, there has to be a Controller and a Controllee. Subtract one, and the problem no longer exsists.

However, this is a serious problem that needs to be monitored by a professional. You never know how far that guy will go, or what he will do if and when his world comes crashing down on him.

If she does not want to be controlled, then stop responding to commands. EVERY time he shouts a command, she has to go out of her way to ignore it. NOT fight him about it. NOT take a stand verbally. NOT put him on display in front of the public or family for all to see as a matytr either.

Make sure she is not doing what she thinks her family expects of her or else you have a pretend battle and actors instead of victims here.

That means that everytime he tells her to do something as a command, she has to stop and ignore it. That means be consistent and its gonna be work at times.

Each time she ignores a command, he will escalate to another a little more threatening. He should get to his "worst" fairly quickly but he may not believe that she is serious and he may attempt to test her with going full scale a few times before he believes she is serious and will follow through the same way each time.

When it becomes apparent that commanding does not work but getting her to react verbally or by actions of doing whats shouted at her etc. Then he is either gonna move on to violence and try intimidating and abuse to sustain her, or he will crumble and fold if its just a front.

See what I mean about having someone monitore this that is a professional?

Any guy who preys on babies of 21 years old at his age, either cant compete with girls his own age OR is a loser who is hunting for an inexperienced girl to take advantage of.

How would I know?

Well, I am that baby girl who at 14 1/2 met her Husband to be who was 21 years old at the time and married him when she was 20 years old.

I was the baby who fought her parents to allow the relationship to continue and SWORE that they were all wrong about him!

Blah blah blah!

HIndsight is 20 20.

And you can never make him see what a shit he is.

He cant be wounded cause he's got no heart.

- Response by mrssomebody2u, A Creative, Female, 46-55, Los Angeles, Managerial

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shes going to have to see it for herself, and get tired of it herself, and make her own decisons. Their married, she made that choice. She has a baby. Now all we can do is listen when she wants to talk, expect respect from him in your presences, but she has to be the one to decide what and how much shes going to take. Its hard for us who love our kids to sit by and watch, but we have to wait and let them learn from their mistakes. But let them know, we love them and will help if needed.

- Response by carolynspoonire, A Rebel, Female, 56-65, Philadelphia, Medical / Dental

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Community Rating: Community Star

Go over there and check his ass. Take charge, your daughter is grown but to bad. I would go there and drag her ass out of there and put that ass in his place. Men like that make me sick.

- Response by onlyme52402, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Technical

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You could always point out that this is what happens to 80% of all fathers in our country:

Upon being divorced, he gives her half of what he owns. If it's a house, she gets it or he sells it even if it's been in his family for generations.

He pays a significant portion of his income (25-33%) BEFORE taxes in child support, under the threat of jail time and losing his license if he doesn't pay. She does not have to claim it on her taxes, is allowed many tax benefits, but IS allowed to claim it on income should she need credit for a car or house.

His child will grow up knowing him only as a visitor. He will have very little say in where his child goes to school, how often he will see his child, if his child is sick he won't see him/her.. essentially, he will lose his child in all sense and purposes.

If things get a little worse, she can file for a restraining order, real or not, and get one and then she can simply make a fake call to the police saying that he was there on her porch yelling at her and he will go to jail.

Eventually, these two will split up. I guess the question is, how many years of your daughter's life will be wasted with this a'hole?

- Response by bntherehaveshirt, A Creative, Male, 46-55, Boston, Other Profession

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She needs to tell that to her attorney. He will tell the jerk of a husband how much she is sick of him and wants to be rid of him! She is too young to waste her life on a caveman personality jerk of a husband!

- Response by lacey07, A Life of the Party, Female, Who Cares?, Other Profession

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She made the decision to marry him and after all, she is an adult. I would stay out of it unless she asks you for advice. They need to have better communication for one and she shouldn't have to put up with the way he is treating her.

- Response by hulagirl55, A Sportif, Female, Who Cares?, Who Cares?

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She has to do this on her own. Stay out of her love life no matter how tempting it may be, it is just wrong to get involved with your kids relationships

- Response by kevink76, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 36-45, Science / Engineering

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