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Active Questions

Controlling man
Dating / 7:07 PM - Sunday November 11, 2007

Controlling man

Can a relationship ever work with a man who is controlling towards you?

I really do love him, but he tries to control me and is emotionally manipulative at times.

Should I just give up?

- Asked by sunset77, A Sweet Sarah, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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I have been thru a relationship just like this-and I have to tell u that this person will not change without wanting to. there are three types of men: those that can change, those that will change, and those that won't change at all nomatter how hard u try.
Controlling someone emotionally or physically isn't true love-period. If you cant feel/be yourself around a person without feeling like u have to walk on eggshells or keep quiet-u don't need him or her. you may love this guy, but he doesn't love you if he's allowing himself to make you cry or feel unhappy. A man that loves u will not control you or manipulate you-and a man that does this has self-esteem issues and needs help;but until he gets this help, things will only get worse. I suggest you leave this guy, get yourself together and live your life to the fullest-a nice guy will come along and treat you with respect and give u the love you desire-w/o u trying to beg for it or go after it. Trust me, I've been thru this, and in the end, u'll be the one that's unhappy-so before things get worse, please leave while your esteem and personality is still intact. Make sure that you talk to a counselor or a pastor to help you get thru your feelings. I know that this time will be hard for you (u may be thinking like ur not beautiful enough, or not good enough, or that noone will want u, but that's because of all the manipulation) and if u havent gone thru this yet-U soon will. be blessed and I am praying for u

- Response by princesslove, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Student

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How does he try to control you? There's not much there to go on.

As far as emotionally manipulative, I think you could put that label on just about anyone on earth... but, it's more common in women who will sometimes put on an act to get what they want from a guy.

It's hard to tell what he's even doing.

I'm thinking, if we can't tell, by your post, what is going on... your man has no idea. He has no idea you are even thinking about giving up on him.

9 out of 10 times, a post like this indicates that neither of you is communicating clearly to the other person.

I'd suggest trying to work though it, clearly express your concerns, tell him you can't be with him if he is... for example... giving you a curfew or some stupid crap.

Whatever it is, you should talk to him about it.

- Response by wp2007, A Creative, Male, 36-45, Pittsburgh, Artist / Musician / Writer

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Community Rating: Community Star

You're relationship is going're not living your life as you's being controled by someone else. Next thing you know, he will select your friends, who you're to see and talk with, questions where you been and who you been with. He'll not want you around people who stand up to him and tell him to his face....just how much of an ass he is by controling you....then he'll not want you to associate with then in fear he'll lose control. How can you really love someone who wants total power over your life....your life, and not just his own. I'm not you....but I would have told him a while back....take a hike, I don't need you to run my life. You can do better.....and you can take care of yourself....and you can have patience to wait for that someone who is the right person for you. A good Christian man is a good man.....and he'll love you like no other, and treat you with respect and dignity and gentleman ways. Suggestion: get involved with a church, into a singles group, mingle and never's a shot in the dark.....

- Response by richard77, A Creative, Male, Who Cares?

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I don't know your whole story, but in one word...uh.....NO!

There are things in relationships called boundaries. Basically what you will and will not tolerate in a relationship. Boundaries make sure that each person takes responsibility for their own stuff, and also that each person has freedom to be who they are within the relationship. As opposed, to being something the other person wants them to be. Which is why people control. They want you to be like them, or think like they do, because they have issues with having someone around who has a different way of doing things, or a different opinion. Their self esteem cannot take someone who disagrees or thinks differently than they do.

In a healthy relationship, both sides should have the ability to say "okay, we agree to disagree, we are staying together, and moving forward with the relationship". Controlling people can't do that.

I was once in your situation. I was in a controlling relationship where I was emotionally manipulated. And after a while, I started to lose myself. People around me noticed that I lost my sense of humor, and being the gregarious, social person that I am.

My best advice? Draw a boundary with his behavior. Tell him: "When you try to control me, I am angry and frustrated, and what I want is fo you to stop this behavior. When it happens again, I will walk away, and if it continues, then I will leave the relationship". If you set a boundary, he will either change, or you will be moving on hopefully to something better. Who knows, he might change, and that would be a good thing.

- Response by hinderloppet, A Creative, Male, 36-45, San Francisco, Consulting

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If you are feeling this "sort of trapped," you need to re-think this relationship NOW, before it progresses to even more destructive control. "LOVE" is what keeps people in abusive are not your are your decisions, and you wouldn't be asking this question unless something were really bothering you about this, and probably scaring you.

- Response by An Intellectual Guy, Male, 36-45, Other Profession

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I could never stay with a man who assumes he can control me...heck's 50/50 if NOT Then run dolly and save yourself OR you can sit him down and talk to him about it and tell him how it makes you feel...only pets are the ones we people are allowed to control...good luck doll...*wink*

- Response by dolphace, A Hippie Chick, Female, 46-55

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Give it up. He feels the need to be "large & in charge", and you feel the need be yourself. The two don't mix. If you stay you'll only be hurt worse later.

- Response by bookman, A Guy Critical, Male, 56-65, Who Cares?

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it can work if u like being controlled.but if u r the type of person who likes to think for yourself and doesn't like to be manipulated the whole encounter could be filled with drama.

- Response by phenomenal1woman, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Chicago

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Giving up depends on you. If he is trying to control you tell him that it isnt going to happen. If he is trying to get you to compromise on something then talk to him about it and see what the problem is. You have to do what is healthy for you. Dont let him take over your life but let him be a part of it. Good luck.


- Response by inkeddreams, A Creative, Male, 46-55, Other Profession

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If your gut feeling is sending off red flags....and you are not the type to "like" being controlled....even a little bit, run now before it is too late. But some people don't mind a little bit of a controlling aspect, I actually just heard a story (gossip) about a gal who is leaving her nice, non controlling man for an evil manipulative ex. To each their own I guess.

- Response by witchyamelia1, A Creative, Female, 36-45, Medical / Dental

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This is just the beginning, it will get worse & develop into physical abuse. Don't believe me? Guys like him need to be in control and will do whatever they can to keep a woman under their control, including hitting them.

- Response by italiangypsy, A Thinker, Female, Who Cares?, Philadelphia, Managerial

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I've seen quite a few similar questions today about the same thing... Let me give you this website and perhaps it will help you to make the right decision. What you are talking about is THE reason for divorce and not for marriage.

- Response by wintercherry, A Thinker, Female, 36-45

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I have an idea, talk to him about it. He may not have any idea he is doing it. It could be that simple. If you love this man, give him a chance. I don't agree with many of the posts to say to get rid of him. It's too easy to get rid of someone, then the new one falls into the same trap. So, why don't you work on fixing it rather than putting a band-aid on it?

- Response by sluggo, A Rebel, Male, 46-55, Denver

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I dated a guy like that and finally ended it, telling him we both need to simply move on. It wasn't that I didn't care about him, and I enjoyed the time we spent together. The problem was that he wanted ALL of my time and attention, and if he got anything less than that he would try to make me feel guilty about it. I felt smothered, but for a while I did feel kind of guilty.

Then I just got tired of him making me feel like I was doing something wrong by not giving up EVERYTHING I enjoyed, while he wasted away his weekends watching TV. His excuse was that he had no one to do anything with. He would call me or text me in early morning hours to complain that he was bored and couldn't sleep. Maybe he thought girls found that kind of thing endearing, and maybe some girls do: I was just irritated by it.

Anyway, I have felt such freedom since ending that relationship.

- Response by saucywench, A Creative, Female, 36-45, Cincinnati, Other Profession

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If you feel that you should give up, it might be time to give up..but if you have an inkling that things could possibly work out for the best with some counselling or some sort of 'help'...there is every possibility that it all depends on how much effort you are both willing to put into the relationship and if he isn't willing, then it probably won't work...:)

- Response by fastball, A Cool Mom, Female, 36-45, Edmonton, Self-Employed

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Been there, done that, and now I live happily divorced!

Let me tell you, it doesn't change, in fact it gets worse once you get married. Everything is fine, as long as you are doing what they want you to do and saying yes, yes, yes, to everything.

My advice to you is RUN! And, run as fast as you can. I does not change.

Make sure you don't find someone JUST like him. We have a tendancy to gravitate towards the same types of people.

You must be a very nice, wonderful, giving person. Try and find someone else who is a giver.

Best of luck,

- Response by lauramet, A Creative, Female, 56-65, Miami, Executive

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Listen to all these good people who are telling you that it doesn't change. It doesn't and I've given it a looooong time. You will have to choose between being controlled or living in a battle zone. I've done it both ways. Being controlled makes ONE of you happy - and it ain't you! Fighting for your independence makes both of you, any children, extended family, visitors, co-workers and everyone with whom you come in contact utterly miserable. And as a result of THAT, you'll end up alone with him. So in order to have other people in your life, you will find yourself being controlled again just to keep the peace. It's a vicious cycle without end. Get the heck out of Dodge and don't look back.

- Response by gavelhand, A Creative, Female, 46-55, Other Profession

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For some reason my marriage and most of my BFs since my divorce over 9 years ago have been men with 'controlling' attitudes that "thought" that they could control must be something in my 'karma'??

Anyway, please do not stay with anyone that you 'know' off the bat is 'controlling and emotionally manipulative', it will only make your life miserable.

- Response by jpm51, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Baltimore, Administrative

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I would never put up with it. I feel as though if a man needs to be controlling and manipulative, then he does not deserve to be with anything other than a computer.

I'd get out now, because once he has your self confidence and self esteem lower than the Mariana Trench, then he will start other forms of abuse.

- Response by seductivepisces9, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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I would walk away, the present behavior could indicate worse things down the road if you do stay.

- Response by happygolcky, A Sweet Sarah, Female, 36-45, Chicago, Medical / Dental

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Outside of the bedroom, where it might be fun, this would not work with me. I would be angry and resentful and it would show. I couldn't stay after about--uhm--maybe five minutes.

Seriously, the people who are saying "what does "being controlling" mean?" either have control issues or somehow feel that it's okay for men to be bullies or chauvinist pigs on some level. It's not okay. No relationship is really a relationship when a guy acts like this--it's a subtle (or not so subtle) terrorist trap.

Give him an ultimatum--tell him what is not acceptable behavior and tell him that if he doesn't change his manipulative behavior you are out of there. Do this for yourself. Good luck. I'm here if you want to talk.

- Response by electragold21, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, New York, Teaching

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I don't think so because eventually you will feel smothered with ex was very controlling and the sec it deviated from what he wanted he had a fit like a kid..didn't talk to me for weeks then eventually let it go but that led to him breaking up with me anyways cause I would leave him alone and expected him to be a Man and not a little boy...I did everything he said and busted my ass to hold on to him....control should be limited to 50/50 and beable to compromise..if he can't compromise you are not gonna be happy, it will just break your heart over and over...good luck

- Response by debski, A Career Woman, Female, 36-45, Detroit, Science / Engineering

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i think that if you have the personality where you can tolerate being treated like that because he loves you, then stay with him. to me though, i wouldn't be in a relationship where it would take me giving up certain things (control) for it to work. you say that you really love him, but does he love you? why does he feel like he needs to control you? is he over protective or he just wants to control you because it makes him feel better. you need to know what you are willing to put up with and what you are willing to live with to see if the situation is worth it.

- Response by 1girl, A Creative, Female, 36-45, Dallas, Medical / Dental

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It is hard to believe that a woman is actually asking these questions. Imagine saying this to your daughter, "Sweetheart, when you grow up you will meet the man of your dreams. He will be intelligent, attractive, controlling and emotionally controlling at times. Don't just give up. Accept it. This is what women accept and live with. Have a great day in school..." I hope this answers your question.

- Response by looloo12, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Kansas City, Internet / New Media

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I have had many women try to manipulate me and succeed, dont fall for it. trust me, users are the people whom you must watch out for yourself

- Response by dudebrah, A Life of the Party, Male, 26-28

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