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Annoying Friends Phone Calls!
Friendship / 11:42 AM - Saturday April 21, 2007

Annoying Friends Phone Calls!

I have a friend that calls me sometimes several times a day. I am not a person that enjoys talking on the phone for long periods of time. This friend wants to talk for 30 minutes to an hour at a time. I tell her that I have to go, I am busy or I am spending time with my husband and she ignores me. I have even told her that I am not much of a phone person. I also have tried screening her calls and she continues to call back until I answer it. Then she says "well, you could at least call me to let me know you're Ok". I am considering ending our friendship, because it is so annoying. My stress level rises, when I see it is her calling. I am very busy with many hobbies, selling a house, remodeling another house. I also have been fighting breast cancer since June 2005. Many times I just want to relax or spend quality time with my husband. But, daily I get her annoying telephone calls that last for an hour. I have other friends and family that I would like to talk with, but I feel beat from talking with her all the time on the phone.
I am moving soon and feel like disappearing and not giving her my phone number or address. She is already planning on coming to spend the weekends with us, because it is 2.5 hours from her.
HELP! Am I being a horrible friend? Is her friendship worth the stress?

Update: April 29, 2007.
I am screening her calls now and I think that it is working well. It's been very peaceful lately. Thanks for your help everyone.

Update: April 22, 2007.
Just to update some things: I do tell this friend that I am busy and I have to go now. I tell her several times during our conversation and she just keeps talking. She even starts having a conversation with her boyfriend in the room or reads her email when I am on the phone. I tell her over and over I need to go, my husband just walked in the door, I am cooking dinner or my ear hurts from talking. I told her that am not feeling well and just need some rest time alone. It's been hard because I do not want to hurt her. Yes, I do have a best friend that I enjoy talking with. We can talk & laugh a few mintues then hang up! This girl was a friend of a friend of mine years ago. Sometimes we would end up at the same get togethers, but never called each other or built a relationship then. This past summer I ran into her at a yard sale. We talked and exchanged telephone numbers. I have only did a few social things with her since that time. But yet she calls me constantly. She appears to have many friends, does not work, does not appear to be much of a house keeper, no real hobbies that I can tell. I am not trying to cut her down, but her time appears to be spent talking on the phone. I enjoy spending quiet time by myself, doing my own things. Thank you all who have given me some great advice.

- Asked by ciscogirl, A Married Girl, Female, 46-55, Dallas, Self-Employed

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She's not a friend, she's a leech. She's sucking you dry without giving anything back. Take a deep breath and the next time she calls, say something like: "I really appreciate your friendship and your concern for me, but your constant phone calls wear me out. For the sake of our friendship, I need for you to limit your calls to once a day." If that doesn't work, call the phone company and temporarily change your phone number. And by all means, DO NOT tell her where you are moving.
This lady may be desperately lonely and has latched onto you to avoid facing how lonely and depressed she is. Is there a volunteer organization that could use her help?

- Response by sunlady120, A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Kansas City, Self-Employed

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Just tell her the truth. A friendship is like any other relationship, it has to be a two-way street. As friends, it doesn't seem like you two are meant for each other -- just my opinion -- I don't really know.

Tell her straight out that you don't like talking on the phone. If she doesn't adjust her behavior (which is what a real friend whould do to accomodate her/his friend), then she's the one not being a friend.

So far, you've only given her hints. You need to tell her the flat-out truth.

From what you wrote -- you seem to be someone more content on your own. You mentioned that you are busy with hobbies, selling a house and remodelling a house. You seem like you enjoy working rather than socializing. That's just how you are.

I can relate; I'm the same way. But, I think it's best to be upfront with your friend. You can say it diplomatically without being insulting. If she doesn't respect your needs, then I'd feel free to end the relationship. It just doesn't seem that you two are very compatible.

- Response by giddalti, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Artist / Musician / Writer

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Community Rating: Community Star

Your friend is what is called an "energy vampire". Do you feel exhausted after talking to her? Does the conversation usually revolve around her? Try to only surround yourself with people who make you feel good, you give you energy. This is especially true with your medical history. You need to stay strong, and she needs to really look at herself. She is not being a good friend. I think she would benefit from some counseling, and some space. Tell her this, if she is really your friend, she should understand.

- Response by saudades, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Medical / Dental

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She seems like a concerned friend, but maybe a little lonely too. Maybe you should sit her down 1 more time and explain to her what's going on in your life and tell her to stop calling so much, even give her days that you'll put aside for a 10 minute phone conversation with her. Tell her she's stressing the relationship with you and if she doesn't agree to this then you no longer want to be her friend. Let her know you need time for other things for your own sanity. Good luck.

- Response by scorpiorising, A Career Woman, Female, 56-65, Who Cares?

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You are definetly not a horrible person. I had the same experience and when I had to change my phone number, I didn't give it to the guy. But what I think would be a right thing to do is to say that her calling you that much is rewening your friendship with her.

- Response by ukrainian1pimp, A Life of the Party, Male, 26-28, Montreal

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No, you are NOT a horrible friend. You know who you are and who you are not. I have to tell you that I can relate completely to what you are saying. I HATE talking on the phone and only use it to make/confirm plans. If you get stressed more than enjoy her company, it's time to move on.

- Response by tobyfan, A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Who Cares?

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Oh, I know what a dilema this can be! I have been in a similar situation. I finally had to tell several friends "I do not answer calls between 9 am and 3 pm as this is our homeschool time". Then evenings, are for hubby, so about the only time I can really talk IF I have time and am not grocery shopping is between 3 and 5, but just let her know, if I do not answer it means I am busy with something else. I think you just have to be firm that you have other friends, and your husband is priority. Hopefully you have Caller ID, that you can avoid some of her calls. As far as your moving, you need to let her know first, you need time to settle in, and that at first you do not want ANY visitors. You might have to go the route of not giving her your number, at least at first, and yes it could be quite hurtful.

I am sorry too you have been going through breast cancer, so certainly your health is of importance. What if your husband answers the phone to tell her you are resting?

Hang in there. :)

Mama of a Dozen

- Response by mamaof12, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Self-Employed

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yipes! Have you tried to tell her that you are very busy and will not be able to talk to her until << >>, and that you will call her then? She sounds very selfish, and if she can't understand your priorities also immature.

I hate to see any frienship end...maybe just call it a break and see how that goes? She may have found another victim to suck the life/energy out of by then!

Good Luck!

- Response by cholynn, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Financial / Banking

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A lot of us very nice people who are good listeners and lovely friends have a great big flaw. We don't know how to set limits, and we are afraid to say "no". It is in the best interest for you, for your husband, for the rest of your family and friends, but also for this particular friend for you to sit down with her and set some limits. You can say it very kindly, and you don't have to eliminate her from your life altogether, but you need to say it very clearly. You are not a horrible friend - do you think everyone allows her to be the main priority in their life? Try this - let her know that you are busy during the daytime, but that you will make time for her telephone call for 15 minutes at a specific time of the day. If she calls you outside that time, you can choose to ignore the call, or to pick up and say, "I can't talk with you right now, please call back at (time you have agreed to)." You have a right to spend time with your husband, with your new home, with your other friends and family - and most of all in privacy, alone!!! You are not a bad friend!!! You are a codependent friend, however, if you allow her to keep abusing you. And the weekends? Tell her you want to be alone with your husband on the weekends!! And if she ignores you? Tell her she is ignoring you, and that you are hanging up the phone now, and do it. It's a simple little word - NO. And you will find it gives you your power back as soon as you use it.

- Response by lookatdemlegs, A Thinker, Female, 56-65

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dont give her ur new address- keep ur number unlisted and don't let the phone company forward ur new number...... she'll never find u out way possible! until then hide in ur dont answer the door, avoid the phone and if you (by accident) get her on the phone you simply tell her- look, my bestest friend candle takes up my time and I enjoy it, when u take up my time-I want to pull my hair out!!!:) soooo on that note say "adios penny that was my 2 cents, take it put it in the bank or throw it on the ground but make sure they land face up so that someone coming along can pick them up and have good luck!!"......

- Response by prairiegirl, A Creative, Female, 29-35, Self-Employed

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Wow, your story sounds a lot like what I was going through with an annoying friend that would call my home and cell phone, several times per day, and talk, talk, talk. She had nothing "normal" to say to me, just jibber jabber. Also, when I read that she called you to see if you're OK, that is crazy, b/c you have a husband, like me, to see if you're OK!!! It's not her job to do this! I wrote my friend a long, detailed email on May 8, 2006, explaining that I had to end our friendship, due to many reasons. I just didn't have the time it took to "coddle" her needs, wants and demands! So, that was the last time I had contact with her, and do you want to know how my life has been since then? Peaceful, quiet and lovely! It's almost been a year and I do NOT miss this woman at all.. It was the best decision I made in years! This woman sounds like she's not going away easily or quickly. Good luck.

- Response by suzyscorp, A Creative, Female, 46-55, Who Cares?

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OMG!!! she obviously as little to no social life and really does not care about your true feelings! if u dont want to be rude to her just ignore all of her calls for good. just let her know one last time that you are fed up with constant calls. Make sure u say "I AM FED UP".

- Response by cupid826, A Guy Critical, Male, 29-35, Philadelphia, Food Service

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i wouldnt consider her a friend, she doesnt respect your wishes, shes annoyung and clingy, i would definitely end the relationship!

- Response by bmwgirl817, A Trendsetter, Female, 56-65, Los Angeles, Therapist

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i guess if u really dislike her that much then ya dump her and change ur # and address...

- Response by rachele36, A Player, Female, 46-55, Los Angeles, Medical / Dental

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try saying you can't talk right now and then say goodbye,and hang the phone up. do it every time she calls for a week. don't give her the chance to keep talking just hang up. she already ignores you because you are too nice so try to take more control of your friendship with here. just like with relationships there is always someone in control. switch it around and she'll start to hear you when you say i have to go.

- Response by jbt7678, A Rebel, Male, 36-45, Cincinnati, Transportation

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When it comes right down to facts, Friendship is a fragile thing, just like it was in Jr. high school. Example: She wants to be your friend more than you want to be hers. You probably have another friend that you like better, and it doesn't raise your stress level when she calls. As a matter of fact you probably talk about the annoying friend to this 'friend'. Instead of just cutting her out of your life or telling the girl you don't like her and don't want to be her friend, you act like it's her fault that she doesn't 'get-it'.
It sounds like she thinks you are really close friends and is genuially concerned about you. I only call my Best friend of 20 yrs and my Mother on a daily basis. Where did she get the idea that you were such good friends? I also wonder how long you've been so called friends. Maybe she thought you needed as many friends as you could get while going through all your troubles. Maybe she is a person that doesn't have many friends and thats why she calls everyday. When she says, "well, you could at least call me to let me know you're Ok", she is really saying "why don't you ever call me". There's an old saying, something about; 'you might be Everything to someone and not even know it'. I think you are much more important to this person than you realize, and she believes you value her as a friend too. Friendships are critical relationships in peoples lives; in some ways, friends are as important in life as our family to us. If you don't plan on continuing the friendship, don't lead her on any longer. It's already going to be a big dissappointment, (heartbreak) to her, because she thinks you're really good friends and that you feel the same about her. She'll wonder what she's done that was so bad that you're ending the friendship over it. It's slways hard to understand why someone doesn't like you and also to realize how dumb you feel for being stupid for so long to think they did. I don't know how long you've been friends but I do know that loyal friends are hard to come by. If you don't want to be her friend then just stop. If you do, then tell her directly what the boundaries are and not to call after X:XX time because you won't be taking calls due to family time. Just be honest.

- Response by fonda42, A Cool Mom, Female, 46-55, Teaching

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The simplest way to do this is to tell her you have too much to do to talk on the phone, but if she wants to come over and help you she could clean the oven while you do the dishes and you can talk then. I bet she will not have as much time to talk very soon. If she does come over, give her the job you hate the most. If nothing else, you won't have to clean that.

- Response by btrmom11, A Career Woman, Female, 56-65, Los Angeles, Self-Employed

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This "friend" is not a friend. She is obviously someone with few friends herself - or someone who does not respect your boundaries. If she has to call you so much and want to talk - she doesn't have enough of a life herself. If she won't respond to your frankness that you are busy, or not available to talk so much - you can tell her you are limiting your phone time every day, due to your busy schedule. Otherwise, ask her to email you. But the main question remains: Why are you friends with her? If she annoys you and doesn't respect your time or wishes.... she doesn't seem much like a friend.

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 46-55

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Lady, my suggestion to you is to 'move away' and break contact with this lady. Usually you can block a phone number if you don't want to change it, you can find out from your phone company.

You did not mention if this woman is married or single because it sounds like 'she has no life at all'. Plus, I would not trust her around my husband if it was me anyway.

You need 'peace of mind' in your life, we all do. When there are relationships with people that 'enter your space' and you are highly stressed about it......then you have no choice but to cut the ties. Please do so, you won't regret it.

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 56-65, Baltimore, Administrative

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She's a freak...get rid of her. This woman has no boundaries, you don't need more worries in your life.

Just never call her back then hopefully she'll get the hint.
If she dosen't then she's a double freak.

- Response by pussycatlover, A Sweet Sarah, Female, 46-55

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I understand where you are coming from; however you may be her only friend that will listen to her; Im in a similar situation where I have lots of problems in my life BUT my good friend of 17 years is always there for me; I do give her respect knowing that she needs to spend time with her husband and family and I let her call me; but when she does call me I know I can count on her to listen to all my problems; People that are needing a friend to talk to may have a lot of problems and feel trusted in friends like you; so do what you think is best but try to hang in there as a friend to her; she may be desperatly asking for help through you.

- Response by chica38, A Cool Mom, Female, 46-55, Other Profession

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BREAST CANCER!!! Why even ask this question? Take care of yourself. Perhaps your friend means well but it has to work BOTH ways. Is she clueless? Either make her listen if you want her as a friend or break it off and take care of yourself. Luck

- Response by hankgreenberg, A Guy Critical, Male, 56-65

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Have you tried telling her -- while you are NOT on the phone -- that you're not really a phone person? I'm not crazy about phones, myself. I have had one person in my life with whom I could really enjoy a good, long phone conversation, and he's now dead. Everyone I know -- and they don't have to know me long -- knows that I'm borderline phobic about the phone. It's a source of jokes and quips and most of my friends and family get it. When they get on the phone with me, they keep it to accomplishing some goal.

It's a matter of establishing your reputation. That way, it's about you, not your friend, and a sane friend would not be offended by that.

- Response by pandorasfault, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Teaching

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First of all I want to say I am very sorry to hear you have breast cancer and I hope and pray you fight this with all you have! My father was just diagnoesd with a very rare cancer..I am feeling your pain! You sound like a very tuff girl! Your in my prayers!
Secondly..even though you have tons of responses..I want to give you mine as well! I have freinds like this.. and they never seem to hear what I am ,my hubby just got home> or I am cooking dinner>gotta go..or whatever..I dont feel good, etc..but you are just like me. you have a heart made out of pure gold and its hard for you to really tell her how you feel!
Please dont give her your number.. I know it sounds mean..but I honestly dont think she is going to go away that easily, and she is already planning visits with you!
You have enough going on in your life with your husband, your cancer, your hobbies, and like you said..having some alone time! I think she is lonely, and your a great friend for being there for her..but it has to always be 2 sided friendship..and its so obvious that its only 1 sided..she will find another friend...but you have to move on..let her go..and start new beginnings for your sake and your husbands and your have another best friend! but because I have been there and know how it feels..I also know how hard it is to say enough is enough..she should be listening to you..your the one who needs major support right now! Good luck with your move, you will have a whole new life now..start it out simple..and not tell her where you move! PLEASE!!
if you need to chat me okay!
I am here for you! Love and peace

- Response by jamiesangel777, An Engaged Girl, Female, Who Cares?, Los Angeles, Other Profession

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I enjoy my alone time too, the peace and quiet and escape from the world and all the gossip, and BS, so I hear ya! I'm not much of a 'phone person' either. Tell ya what 'I' do turn both phones OFF! I've told the people I care about that I do that too. It's hard to study (especially Psyc) when you keep getting disturbed and your attention broken. Sometimes a person has to think of themselves for a change. If we don't, who's going to? LOL If this woman, who obviously has NO life, nor does she seem to deal with her house or the life she does have...? causing you distress, or just STRESS...RUN!!!!!!! I'm a 2nd year Psyc student, and the effects that stress can have in your life are numerous, to say the least! The world is stressful enough without inviting more into your life. Me? I'd tell her to take a hike and get a life (and try to say it in a nice way). ;)

- Response by echomoonsongs, A Hippie Chick, Female, 56-65, Student

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I really know how you feel it's happened to me, and it's not worth the stress! I went through that for over 5 yrs with a "so called Friend". I found out she just used me. So What I did was get a call screening service from your telephone company. It worked for me and I don't regret a single minute for doing so. Your not being a bad friend , she isn't being considerate of your time. Let her go. You need your time too. My prayers are with you, I hope it all works out. I'm here for you if ever you need. God bless.

- Response by musicnpink4v, A Creative, Female, 46-55, Los Angeles, Other Profession

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First of all, when you say you need to go you have to mean it. Really get off the phone. Tell her you're in the middle of dinner, painting, hubby walked in or whatever the truth is & actually get off the phone. It's also ok to be honest & just say you are worn out from your treatments! Tell her you will call her back in a day or two (whatever is comfortable for you) & really call her back. Just plan on having a time limit when you call her. Do the calls on your terms. The only reason they last an hour is because you let them. She actually just sounds lonely & I wouldn't want to end a friendship over it if indeed she is really a good friend. You just need to redefine the boundries.
Peace & good luck to you,
~Cyndi~ (Hippiemom)

- Response by hippiemom, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Self-Employed

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I would say yes she does REALLY care, but may seem quite intrusive at times. Tell her that you don't like it because you do have a life as well and you do appreciate that she cares. Just talk to her kindly, and get her to appreciate your situation. I am also sorry to hear that you have Breast Cancer, and good luck to you. Just think positive as much as you can, and I believe you will fight the disease off. My Regards, Jacob

- Response by mrsexquizit, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 36-45, New York, Artist / Musician / Writer

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You're not being a terrible friend, you're being a great one, especially when you tell this person that you're busy, or that you're not a great phone person. No friend is worth having this kind of stress, and I wonder what's behind that odd query about whether you're OK--sounds like something your parents or husband would ask you, not a pain-in-the-derriere friend like this person. I'd advise you to drop this friend soon.

- Response by swillner7, A Mr. Nice Guy, Male, 56-65, Washington, DC, Political / Government

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No you are not being a horrible friend. It seems that she is lonely and has no boundaries. It sounds like you have tried to reason with her. The ball is in her court.

- Response by disabledude, A Couch Potato, Male, 46-55, Washington, DC, Who Cares?

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Your body doesn't need the stress during this time. Take this as you feel fit and do with it as you see fit. I will pray for you.

- Response by shiny, A Creative, Female, 36-45, Artist / Musician / Writer

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- Response by grey333earl, A Creative, Male, 56-65, Los Angeles, Construction

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