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Dont date a dead persons best friend!!
Dating / 8:09 PM - Sunday October 08, 2006

dont date a dead persons best friend!!

Lets say you are married to someone, you've been with them for 10 years. They pass away... then you start to date his/her best friend...

Am I the only one who finds this totally WRONG?

Update: October 08, 2006.
the ? is based on my dad... my stepmom passed away, so now he's dating her best friend. She's trying to "change" how my younger bro and sis are living. The family disagrees with it, and so do I. I was raised knowing "family comes first"

- Asked by dkmfan4life, A Rebel, Male, 29-35, Boston, Construction

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They both hook up in a time when they are both hurt & vulnerable. The best friend and widow/er feel comfortable & secure with each other. It's not like they were cheating with each other. Both start sharing stories with each other about him/her and have some laughs...it's not like it has been planned.

Hopefully..my hubby stays alive longer than 10 years after marriage..

- Response by jillopo, An Alternative Girl, Female, 29-35

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It happens more than you know. You both have that common bond of the person that passed away. It's usually a very comfortable situation. Can't say that it doesn't last all the time, but it is usually a transition type of situation. They both lost someone they loved, it's natural it would bring them together.

- Response by busyb704, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Other Profession

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I think that's a sensitive area, but really, nobody outside the individual couple should judge. If you didn't get involved with the best friend until after your spouse has passed away..and hopefully waited a reasonable period of time before even considering dating...I don't see where it should be a problem. It's not like you were cheating, and also not like the friend would prevent you from reconciling with your spouse. This seems to happen with senior citizens quite a bit. They're happily married, their spouse dies, but they don't want to be alone. Meanwhile, the friend's spouse also passes away, and they find themselves with a lot in common. It's not a betrayal. It's more like living out their remaining years with someone who understands the love they felt for their late husband or wife.


- Response by uniquelyme2, A Creative, Female, 46-55, Artist / Musician / Writer

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I don't see anything wrong with it. Since it was a best friend they probably shared a lot of commonalities. Therefore what ever the attraction was is probably the same. If I passed away and had to choose someone for my wife to hook up with after I'm gone it would probably be my best friend because I know what he's like and how he would treat her.

- Response by buzzbuzzbuzz, A Father Figure, Male, 66 or older, Los Angeles, Self-Employed

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there is nothing wrong with falling in love after one has been widowed, but i'm like you...why does it have to be so close to home?

- Response by caramelady, A Trendsetter, Female, 29-35

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I am with you.

- Response by happyjoy, A Sweet Sarah, Female, 22-25, Boston, Student

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Yes, that definetly up there w/ dating you bf/gf ex.
There are just some people you shouldn't hook up with. There are millions of people out there. Someone that is dead, you should REALLY have extra respect for. If your talking about someone you know who's doing this, I hope that dead person haunts the shit out these assholes.


-Goober

- Response by ugoob, An Alternative Girl, Female, 29-35, New York, Who Cares?

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Sometimes its any port in a storm. The vows DO say "until death".

- Response by drumboi2, A Guy Critical, Male, 56-65

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Love is love. It doesnt matter who you end up loving, in the end we are all people with the same organ beating inside of us that craves someone to love them back.

- Response by mysticqt, A Creative, Female, 26-28, Who Cares?

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i do not see anthing wrong with it. they are prolly someone you have a lot in common with and know very well. if i died and he married my best friend i would not have a problem with it....and well, i guess mainly b/c i will be dead!

- Response by gopgirl, An Alternative Girl, Female, 66 or older, Who Cares?

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youd WANT me to be dead, cos otherwise id kill you BOTH!!!!!!!!!!!

;oD

- Response by anonymouse32, An Alternative Girl, Female, 18-21

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not wrong at all...

- Response by kramer, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 46-55, Who Cares?

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My wife and I were married for 10 years. if she had a friend I liked enough to date I would have! she did not have any friends who I like enought to date but I did get closer with some of them and see nothing wrong with someone dating friends of a wife who has passed.

- Response by atoolman, A Creative, Male, 56-65, New Orleans, Political / Government

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I personally don't think it's wrong. It might look wrong, but who cares. The husband is dead, they can't say no to love just because of a dead man..Life goes on, and we each have to find our own happiness. That's what really counts..

- Response by Alma0609, A Trendsetter, Female, 46-55, New York, Self-Employed

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I think you need to cut yourself a break. You've been through a trmendous loss and if someone gives you comfort (as long as you're not causing anyone else undo pain) you both deserve the comfort.

- Response by lalala1969, A Career Woman, Female, 36-45, St.Louis, Other Profession

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Why is that wrong? They had a deal ... "Till death do us part"
They passed away ... time to move on.

- Response by karen4521, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Chicago, Who Cares?

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I don't see anything wrong with that. Losing the love of your life is devastating and nothing can ever replace your loss. When widows and widowers are moving past the grief and looking to build a new life without the person they lost, they often spend a lot of time talking about their departed spouses. It might even help them keep the memory of their loved one alive/cherised if the person the survivor ends up with afterwards had been a close friend of the couple.

- Response by A Sportif, Female, 36-45, Denver, Who Cares?

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nothing wrong with it at all. As a matter of fact, a couple years ago, before I had met mr. wonderful and was single, my very best friend said to me: "you know, if I die, you'll have to marry Rick" and in a way, I know she meant it.

- Response by makinit40, A Cool Mom, Female, 46-55, Self-Employed

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Although your feelings are rooted correctly in loyalty to your friend, they end up misplaced in the case of the friend's death. It is actually a chivalrous thing to do. In my 100 year old fraternity many brothers died in the wars. Epecially Vietnam for some reason. Leaving widows and their chidren. And some went on to remarry a different frat brother of the same class. Historicly, a brother would marry his sister in law upon his brothers death if they wanted to. Kept the family and estate intact. Still sounds weird I know. But death scares people and weirdness doesn't seem so weird any more if it becomes a feeling of safety and compaionship.

- Response by llafsroh, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 46-55, Boston, Science / Engineering

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you don'y pick love it picks you. no it's not wrong. my cousin was inlove with her boyfreind. she dies of leukemioa when she was 19. he found love with her cousin about 5 years later and now they are truly in love and going to get married in a few weeks

- Response by A Thinker, Female, 36-45, Artist / Musician / Writer

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NO!! THEY BOTH SHARE IN THE LOST...ITS SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS HOW THE OTHER FEEL..

- Response by something, A Jock, Male, 29-35, Atlanta, Other Profession

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I would guess it'd depend on how long it was after the death before he started dating again. I mean, if he asked her out at the funeral then that's wrong, but if he waited, say a year, then I feel as though that's respectable. But to change the way you guys are living is completely wrong. Even if they marry.

- Response by seductivepisces9, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Who Cares?

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I agree that dating the best friend of your dead husband/wife is just plain weird/wrong. I think your dad should have talked with you guys about what was transpiring to see how you would handle it and not 'assumed' that you would all be okay with it. It sounds like this woman couldn't have been a very good friend if she is able to step into the role that belonged to your stepmom. I agree that family comes first and from what it sounds like, she is trying to break this family up. Talk to your dad and all of you children should let him see what she is doing. I am sure that he is probably feeling lost, alone and lonely and she fills something in his life that he doesn't see as being destructive because he is so grief stricken. The same thing happened with my dad and when we talked to him, he realized that he was rushing to be with someone else only because he didn't know how to be alone. Good luck and hope things work out for your family.

- Response by fastball, A Cool Mom, Female, 36-45, Edmonton, Self-Employed

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Don't be judgemental, it does seem 'wrong', it is arguable whether it is, it's not black and white. As it is extremely normal to feel naturally ( emotionally) attracted to the person closest to your beloved that you've lost. Especially if they act like them. It is like a sad, confusing psychological state of the grief-stricken person to seek this 'replacement' in their closest friend. Have sympathy and don't judge them.

- Response by lovable077, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Who Cares?

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Not sure on this one.

It would depend on the maturity of both individuals and their relationship during the time your stepmom and dad were together.

If it was even the bit disrespectful during the time she was alive .... flirting/liking each other I wouldn't be happy with it at all.

If they were all close and now things changed and they see an a mutual bond that grew during their friendship I would be ok with that too. Also, it depends on how much time passed since the death of your step mom. If it was within 1 year I would be kinda freaked by that too.

|| DK ||

- Response by ddkk, An Intellectual Guy, Male, 36-45, Philadelphia, Political / Government

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NO i agree. ITS VERY WRONG! You always have to know that you never know what could happen. Like my hubby and i have been together for almost 6 years. If something happened to him today or tomorrow or even 5 years or more from now...I WOULD NOT REMARRY! I wouldnt date his siblings or friends. We have almost 2 kids together (i am expecting in December) and i just would not feel right remarrying and i wouldnt be happy like i am with him! Im just like that to where others feel the need to be with someone. Im the opposite. My hubby is my life, my love, my soul mate. If i lose him, i lose everything thats important to me other than my kids! I'll date or go out but i wont remarry and sex is not an issue with me. I dont need it to survive!

- Response by spicy25, A Married Girl, Female, 29-35, Home Maker

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I would mind my own business. Sometimes best friends are people who are similiar to the choice of mate. I think you should accept your dad's choice as he is an adult. Rosey

- Response by roseytalks, A Thinker, Female, Who Cares?, Tampa, Who Cares?

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not alone...'don't date a dead persons best friend!!!'...

- Response by A Creative, Male, 29-35, Johannesburg, Internet / New Media

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Sorry but, at your dad's age and IF he is happy, why in the world would you try to thwart that? pEOPLE IN GENERAL AND families IN particular....need to mind their own business and relationship and stay the hell out of other family member's lives. They are the ones that cause 50%+ OF PROBLEMS AND DIVORCES.

I "used" to agree with you that family comes first, but experience has taught me that many have only their own interests at heart and really don't realize the inevitable dissention in other family's realationships by "NOT MINDING THEIR OWN DAMN BUSINESS"

- Response by txsophisticate, A Career Woman, Female, 36-45, Houston

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Well as long as the relationship was not going on BEFORE your stepmom passed I would say the relationship is ok, I mean with such a horrible tragic thing happening to your father, it seems he deserves some happiness....

HOWEVER, I agree with you when the new women in your father's life is trying to change your lifestyle. In my opinion, she has overstepped her boundaries and your father should recognize how unhappy she is making you and your brother and either have a talk with her about it or perhaps end the relationship, because YES blood is thicker than water.

- Response by nyc10029, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, New York, Who Cares?

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Dating the best friend would not be a issue for me. But the fact that she is trying to "change" your younger sibblings would really bother me.

- Response by MaryAnne, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Regina, Managerial

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I think it's wrong. I mean, they say dead people want you to move on and be happy again..but I don't think they'd want you to jump in the arms of their best friend because it's almost like they couldn't wait until you were gone.

- Response by luckyinkentucky, A Cool Mom, Female, 29-35, Who Cares?

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well now that changes everything! can you say sabotage?

- Response by rebelparadigm, A Rebel, Male, 26-28, Los Angeles, Student

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yes i think it's wrong.my mom's close friend died and within a year my mother was having the hots for her husband.myself and my brothersthought it was wrong and talked against it.also we told her we didn't approve and she considered our feelings and changed her tune.

- Response by phenomenal1woman, A Thinker, Female, 46-55, Chicago

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It all depends. If this best friend is coming in and trying to change how your stepmom did things, that is not quite right. Family does come first. If he likes her, there may be a connectiont that he sees to his late wife to her. Yet, she should know her place and know that she is on hostile ground and try to be as accomodating as possible. She is in a way destroying the foundation that was set by her best friend by trying to make drastic changes. As people get older, changes becomes a lot more harder. She should try herself to conform within her limits to the way your siblings are living if she is trying to become part of the family.

- Response by y2kat2003, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Financial / Banking

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Well its not necessarily wrong. It really depends on how much time has passed. Your dad and the stepmom's best friend are probably supporting each other becuase they both lost someone important. But I know why you would feel that way... it is hard when you lose someone so important to feel that they've been replaced. But your stepmom has not been replaced. I am sure both of them loved her very much... there just trying to cope. I'd say let them be.


Although I don't think she should be trying to change how your siblings are living.

- Response by lily23, A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Ottawa, Student

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It's easy to say what you would or would not do when you lose a spouse. My husband died 9 years ago and for 4 years I said I could never be with another man. Some people DON'T ever hook up with anyone else their whole lives. But, it was like I woke up one day and realized I didn't want to be alone anymore. A guy that we used to be friends with when we first got married, called me shortly after he died. I thought he was just expressing his sympathy, but he started talking about hanging out, etc. I wondered why he waited until he died to want to become friendly again, when we hadn't seen him in years. It gave me a creepy feeling because I didn't think my husband would have approved. I thanked him for calling, but I didn't take him up on his offer.

- Response by chickymama46, A Life of the Party, Female, 56-65, New Orleans, Medical / Dental

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Okay, now that all your stars have been given away I will answer this question...it seems when I have something to say I am a day late and a dollar short...LOL.

First of all and I'm sure many answerology members have read this before about me but I lost my husband. This Halloween will mark the 4th year since his death. Yes, he died on Halloween. It's not one of my most favorite holidays anymore but I put on a good face for my girls because one is only 3 and wasn't born before her daddy died and is really into Trick Or Treating and my 12 year old just got back into it last year...and my son is now 18 and is going to school back east. My husband and I were together for over 18 years, married for over 15 1/2 and I knew him for over 20 years. He WAS my soul mate. There will never be another "HIM". I know this and I accept it. His death was devastating to me and our two children and to add insult to injury I was 6 months pregnant with our 3rd child at the time of his death. Suffice to say his death didn't have to happen. His death was CLEARLY the result of gross negligence by our HMO...but whatever...we were proactive in his treatment and they failed us and then lied about it afterwards and found a judge willing to take their side when we had everything in writing as to their wrongdoings AND so that made his death even harder to handle. To us, he was murdered.

Now...would I go out and date his best friend? No. I do think the world of his best friend. My late husband even donated a unit of blood for his best friends' father when he had his esophagus removed about 8 years ago so we are all a close knit group of friends. We always have been. My husband lives on in his best friends father and two other people that he donated blood for.

I will say however that after my own father died (right before my 5th birthday) my mom remarried 6 months later...(yes, I said SIX months later) to a man that was in their mutual circle of friends. My father was an attorney, my step-father was an attorney (recently divorced)...I guess they sort of needed each other...well, that and my mom is the kind of woman that cannot live without a man in her life...(thank God I was adopted...). Then my step-father divorced her 6 years later and within two years she was once again remarried to my second step-father (whom she met through mutual friends...but he never knew my father nor my step-father. Confused yet? I hope not. I guess what I'm getting at is that some people find that common bond when someone dies. For me I am truly blessed to have such a wonderful group of friends, but I needed time to heal and so I didn't start to date until almost 3 years had passed. Time does ease the pain but it will never completely be gone from me. I feel betrayed by our healthcare system, let down by our California judicial system and all the plans that my husband and I had for our life are gone and I am here alone to pick up the pieces and try to keep our children happy and living their lives as best as they can with what little I have left.

So I guess to get back to your original question...for me, my family comes first. They are my main focus and source of my strength each day. I do feel that since losing him so young I do know how very short life is, but I'm not about to rush into a relationship with someone that my husband may have been friends with just to avoid looking for love again. Of course your dad and your step-mom's best friend have a lot in common and it must make it easier for them to handle and also they might be feeling their own mortality/ies.

I wish you well in dealing with this. I don't think I would be happy, but in my situation, my mom married a man that may have known my father back in 1970, but I was too young to know that at the time and that man turned out to be the best father figure I could have ever asked for. Good luck...sorry for my ramblings...I type very fast and I tend to go off on tangents. It was actually one of the things my husband admired about me...although some answerology people make think that's what killed him.

Take care.

~Radiant

- Response by radiantnred, A Sweet Sarah, Female, 46-55, Los Angeles, Who Cares?

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i say its fair game

- Response by rebelparadigm, A Rebel, Male, 26-28, Los Angeles, Student

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