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Urgent help dealing w/a mentally unstable person
Sex & Intimacy / 12:15 PM - Tuesday December 20, 2005

Urgent help dealing w/a mentally unstable person

My ex is mentally unhealthy and I don’t know what to do. I’m sorry this is long, but I don’t know how else to explain this situation- I’m sure everyone will be just get the hell away from him, but unfortunately, its not that easy. We dated for 6 yrs. – 4 of those yrs spent living together. In the course of our dating, we started a (very successful) business together- where I still work and I am still 50% shareholder. I need this job, and had also invested a great deal of my own money into starting. I knew he had something of a “past” which he was up-front and honest about from day one (drugs/closing of his lucrative business- that he had for years) both of which he claimed this to be the result of a painful divorce he had gone through (and I thought this was believable). He was also not from the area, so there wasn’t even anyone I could talk to so I could get background info. he was charming, extremely confident and an incredible businessman…. And I guess he suckered me in- as I had found out he is FAR from stupid- actually shrewd and manipulative is a better description. About 2 yrs ago the real him came out- while living with him. It became apparent that he had problems with every person in his life, displayed unbelievably controlling behavior and was manic most of the time- claiming no one had the problems he had to deal with, no one could handle everything he has to handle, everyone wants what he has, etc etc etc. . I said I was going to leave him if things didn’t shape up, and he said he would and always did for a while. I should have just left – but like an ass I didn’t. he had a good line of shit and I always fell for it. The “rollercoaster” ended this past summer- he told me (very bluntly) he was having an affair with a homosexual man and he wanted to be with him. I could stay living in our house if I wanted, but I would have to accept that his lover would be there too. I left. I had to find a place to live, remove my name from all of the financial crap I could. I had to deal w/him at work with the bf calling and knowing that this “man” was living in my house & so on. I was upset and he could have really given a shit. And the list of crap goes on and on and on. He is now going through some sort of shit where he isn’t sure about his sexuality anymore, and is trying to make me get back with him and make ME feel guilty for not understanding him. He has even tried to re-claim custody of my (our) dog- just because he can and wants to hurt me because he knows I love the dog. He says I am “punishing” him for what he did by not taking him back and every single day at work he just complains for HOURS about how horrible his life is. He will ask me to do something with him after work, I will say I make plans then he will say, “see how cold you are to me”- meanwhile, he only asks me when he cant get anyone else to be with. He never thinks about what his actions had done to me. He is severely depressed- talks about killing himself constantly. I don’t know what to do but I know I cant take it much longer. I haven’t dated anyone since- because I feel like if I got hooked up with this freak I really need to reassess my needs in a man. Any advise would be appreciated, please only reply if you have any idea how to deal with such an unstable person. I am ready to have him committed.

- Asked by A Thinker, Female, 29-35, Rochester, Who Cares?

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what is stopping you?? from having him committed?? if he has threaten to kill himself, those are grounds right there

looks like you might need a lawyer - talk to one about getting yourself out of this business with your money...there has got to be a way

then move - far away of possible and set yourself up in business again or go back to school...

you need to get away...his mental state is starting to effect yours - not dating? come on - get away from him...

- Response by azgoddess, A Hippie Chick, Female, 46-55, Artist / Musician / Writer

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Even if you think having him committed sounds harsh, you'd be hurting him more if you didn't do anything about his problem. The mental hospital might not take him. Start with your doctor, or a pysch doc. Get him out of your life, where he can hurt you.

- Response by mickjam, A Guy Critical, Male, 36-45, Salt Lake City, Body Work

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I'd watch out if I were you, these situations never end up great.
It seems like he really needs professional help.
And from what I've read his attitude it rubbing off on you in a negative way. You are very smart, find a way to get out of the partnership because if you don't this might tarnish your reputation at the same time.
It's time to leave this black hole and find yourself something new and refreshing.

I wish you the best that's for sure.

- Response by ygoose, A Life of the Party, Male, 22-25, Ottawa, Science / Engineering

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I would suggest he buy out your interest in the company and you create your own business. Personally, I don't think business and pleasure always works well together. In addition, make him an appointment for some counseling to deal with his mental health.

Don't let him play on your mental health! Because befor you know it you will become equally unstable. Whatever you do, you should never allow anyone to take your SANITY! Once it's gone, it's very difficult to regain. Don't go out like a SUCKER! Kick his ass to the curb and move on!

- Response by grownandsexy69, A Hip Hop Girl, Female, 36-45, Washington, DC, Student

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Well I think you learned a lot of lessons here.

1. Separate business relationship with personal relationships. If the business fails, it causes conflicts, or if the couple breaks up, they still have to work together which causes conflicts.
2. Don't commit to a man you are unsure about. You clearly had some doubts at the beginning, because you knew he had a shady past, but you still committed to him. A shady past should be a red flag to an emotionally disturbed person. You could have hired a private investigator to look into his past.
3. Don't assume you can change someone. You probably dated him because you liked the idea of changing him and playing the role of the therapist. Well that doesn't work, because people like him need professional help, and you're not a professional.
4. Make sure a potential lover isn't gay.
5. How did your daddy treat you growing up? I assume he treated you terribly and that is why you enter this unhealthy relationship.

- Response by lmarks, A Life of the Party, Male, 29-35, Los Angeles, Who Cares?

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